Discussion Does anyone actually want to die or is it impossible to fix your problems and you think that not existing is better than a life in pain?

[HopefulSleep]

I don't want to die, in the past I was very scared to never exist but I have some problems that are not possible to fix and I prefer to not exist than to feel the pain.
What about you, do some of you just don't want to exist or do you feel like me?
I am still very scared of death but choosing between life and death is just pick a poison and I think I will do the right thing.

 

[endless_pain]

I feel quite the same, on the fence suffering every day, maybe I am so addicted to pain that I do not see how it could get better from my bad position I am currently.
I don't know but if there would be something fast and easy to ctb I would be already gone, unfortunately it needs to be planned and now it is even getting more difficult to do it peacefully.
In the meantime I try my best to improve my situation but sometimes the sufference is unbearable.

 

[Darkover]

no i wouldnt want to die but my dream life isn't anywhere near poissibe in this slow universe
given the choice between existing in this universe or not at all i choose to never exist at all

 

[Jezzibell]

Its the latter for me

 

[Disaster]

Kinda both. I enjoy some aspects, like good food, but I never consented to being a sentient being, and I absolutely wouldn't.

 

[FuneralCry]

Of course I only wish for death, the thought of not existing forever is so incredibly beautiful to me, I could never be delusional enough to wish to endure this futile process as I have awareness that existing is just an unnecessary harm that is repulsive and tedious.

Even if there was no extreme suffering in this world still the emptiness and dissatisfaction would remain, I have no interest in being trapped inside a decaying flesh prison which is destined to deteriorate from age and cause a great deal of suffering in the process. Life is the true problem and is such an undeserved punishment to me, I don't get why anyone would wish to delay their inevitable fate and risk ending up in a situation of even worse torture. There is too much suffering in existence so of course the only beauty lies in permanent nothingness where everything is forgotten about. Existence is a tragedy, it's a cruel mistake, it's something completely hopeless where we are destined for nothing other than loss and decay.

 

[Huntfish34]

Ehhh..... I'd rather live, I am Very much afraid of death and everything it entails. Sadly, I believe that I'm just Done. Done with EverymotherFckn thing and everybody around me.

Maybe this whole world could be done a favor if I were just dead and Gone? Booom.... Done. Gone. Fml. -

 

[WorthlessTrash]

The latter. I don't think anyone actually wants to die. It's just preferable to existing in a mediocre life.

 

[StolenLife]

I don't want to die but I feel like I have no choice, there's way too much suffering and I can't handle my trauma and the future looks bad. So I'm choosing to end it while I still can.

 

[DazaiKinnie]

I don't want to die, in the past I was very scared to never exist but I have some problems that are not possible to fix and I prefer to not exist than to feel the pain.
What about you, do some of you just don't want to exist or do you feel like me?
I am still very scared of death but choosing between life and death is just pick a poison and I think I will do the right thing.

I actually do want to die, life isn't suitable for me, plus I am tired of it. There are many reasons why I want to check out.

 

[warriorofeld]

I don't wanna die but my problem will not resolve itself in a positive way and the pain that will come after is what I seek to avoid by ctb.

 

[outrider567]

Can't bring back the dead so yeah 'impossible to fix things'

 

[notwhereIbelong]

Similar situation to you, for so long now I've been in a limbo of wanting to escape through death, because I've been, and still am, incapable of fixing my life and making any meaningful changes (or I've failed when I've tried), but fear of death prevents me from taking any real action to ctb, so I'm stuck in this state of stasis

 

[expiredfckmeat]

I don't wanna die but I don't belong anywhere and I can't live feeling like this.

 

[Dreadle]

For me it wasn't a knee-jerk decision I made on the fly. I thought about it long and hard and considered the future. When I decided I wanted to die, I actually felt relieved, happy even.

I'm on my 30's and if I've had 25 years of traumas ranging from molestation/rape down to being ghosted by my ex of 3 years without any explanation. If 25 years are going to be like this, I'm going to have to carry this for the next 25 years with additional traumas on top. The quality of life severely disintegrates and I don't want to go through it.

 

[unsaiddes]

I do want to die, I'm just not strong enough to go through with it. My life has no purpose and I'm an awful person in an awful world, I see no reason to live as everything's temporary.

I hope that people who really don't want to die can find recovery one day.

 

[Dot]

Similar situation to you, for so long now I've been in a limbo of wanting to escape through death, because I've been, and still am, incapable of fixing my life and making any meaningful changes (or I've failed when I've tried), but fear of death prevents me from taking any real action to ctb, so I'm stuck in this state of stasis

Sme - purgtry

 

[infinitedaydream]

I truely do want to sleep forever. But I believe in just bearing the pain until my time comes. It's excruciating being suicidal and not actually planning on ever committing, but that's what I've chosen and I'll just have to make do. Maybe something good will happen, anything is possible.

 

[altoids]

I'd say the latter. Death scares me, and I'd love to live a good normal life if I really had the chance, but I've come to terms with the fact that it's just not possible.

 

[AerialBoundaries]

I don't want to die. I want the pain to stop.

I want to experience a normal life, but it's too late for me to turn it around now. I always wonder where I would've ended up had I not been in free fall mental decline since I was 14. Even though I'm on the spectrum, I did have things going for me before my anxiety, depression and agoraphobia kicked in. I was a very good athlete, academically bright and had good people around me. I slowly lost it all as my mental health worsened.

 

[unnormal9]

I do in fact want to die, because I know now it is impossible to fix my pain, and also not achieve my desire to make great things for others.

 

[Dolphin55]

I don't want to die. I want the pain to stop.

I want to experience a normal life, but it's too late for me to turn it around now. I always wonder where I would've ended up had I not been in free fall mental decline since I was 14. Even though I'm on the spectrum, I did have things going for me before my anxiety, depression and agoraphobia kicked in. I was a very good athlete, academically bright and had good people around me. I slowly lost it all as my mental health worsened.

I feel pretty much the same. I would love to experience a normal life. I want to write stories and make art and have pets and fall in love. I want to have friends and do crazy shit and go explore the world.
but it just doesn't seem possible for me. I'm too far behind everyone else. My mental health is so terrible now I really doubt my capabilities for changing anything.
I'm so depressed and socially anxious and avoidant, I'm just trapped at home with my parents like I have been all my life. I feel like I already died here some time ago, at least the part of me that mattered.

 

[Ayloy]

I don't actually have a fear of death anymore. That used to be my one fear, but depression can easily take away that fear. In a vacuum I don't personally see an issue with me dieing. I'm agnostic, but I'm really hoping atheism is correct. I just want to not exist & ending my life has the potential to do that. I'm more scared of an after life where I'm still tired & fighting than anything else. The biggest issue I have with ending my existence is how it would make the few people who actually care about me feel & not being able to support them through it all.

 

[AerialBoundaries]

I feel pretty much the same. I would love to experience a normal life. I want to write stories and make art and have pets and fall in love. I want to have friends and do crazy shit and go explore the world.
but it just doesn't seem possible for me. I'm too far behind everyone else. My mental health is so terrible now I really doubt my capabilities for changing anything.
I'm so depressed and socially anxious and avoidant, I'm just trapped at home with my parents like I have been all my life. I feel like I already died here some time ago, at least the part of me that mattered.

Yeah, I understand completely. I died in 2005. That generally happy kid that had things to look forward to in life, is long gone.

I moved out of home as soon as I could, thinking independence would help me and force me to lead a semblance of a normal life, but I actually got worse. At least when I was at home, I had people to talk to. I wanted to devote myself to making music, getting back into sports, having a decent career and hopefully one day, settling down with someone. I genuinely believed that I would improve and things would start looking up for me. What a fool I was. I already had drinking problems when living at home, but it got dangerously bad once I moved out. Living alone, I had nobody to tell me when to stop, so I'd just keep going. I have liver damage at 31 years old.

I've said it many times, but some people just don't make it. I'm one of those people.

 

[Depression]

There are times when I see my kids and think maybe I can make it through this. Then I have to leave or they leave and since I can't sleep at night my mind wanders and all the pain rushes back. I definitely wanna die.

 

[tweaka2x]

I guess I dont actually want to die but I have many great problems that are too overwhelming I can not deal with what I will have to deal with later in life these thoughts take up every second of my day. i try to just live in the moment but I know I am just getting closer and closer to the dates of my problems

 

[ChromeCake]

I have an unfixable problem that is sucking the joy out of life. If it could go away I would certainly choose to keep living.

Out of curiosity, what are your unfixable problems? I've noticed you have been quite active on these forums recently.

 

[unrest]

im a little bit of both. i know there is a possibility that things could be better, that this suffering that has occured since i was born will be worth something. so many things to try and experience, the other people i could meet. but then im also thinking, how much more of this can i take? how many more relapses? how much money spent on drugs and food? there's no doubt that my brain is altered from all the trauma, but will there every be a chance of normalcy for somebody like me? that's when the though of acting on ctb and the effort being put in it makes me just want to experience of being absolutely nothing but a soul.

 

[SamTam33]

I absolutely want to die because that's the only way to permanently "fix your problems."

You can fix one set of problems, but others will always arise because you are alive.

There will always be something to endure or overcome. Always.

I wouldn't mind living for a while in my ideal scenario (wealthy, beautiful, healthy, loved), but it's not like being those things can prevent constipation, IRS audits or allergies.

Being beautiful doesn't negate illness. Being rich doesn't keep you from becoming paralyzed. Being healthy doesn't mean you won't ever feel pain. Being loved doesn't mean the ones who love you won't die.

It's always something.

I'd much rather eliminate the 'something' altogether, than set out on a never-ending mission to fix the somethings.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Yey, my problem could be fixed. But I don't know how and I don't have an idea and I don't have the energy and lost motivation. I can't fix it alone any more. Unfortunately a therapy and/or meds cannot fix it, my problem needs to be fixed first, then other measures can be tried to get me fully back on track. However CTB was always and will always be a legal option for me under certain circumstances.