Venting Does anybody want to vent and share their story?

[RJLearns]

If anyone wants to share their story, I'd be glad to listen. I'm new here and am not currently suicidal, but I have been in the past and wish to understand the different feelings of others and find what's right to me morally. I feel I'd learn by listening to those with first-hand experience.

Note, I am a hopeful person who wishes the best for people, preferably ways for them to live. If you don't want supportive words please put DNS (Do Not Support) in the beginning of your thread. Thank you for your time, friends.

 

[jodes2]

I've been suicidal on and off since I was 20,22 years ago. Although I had my first thought of wanting to die when I was 6. I've had 7 hospital stays, been on about 15 antidepressants and had a lot of therapy. The only thing that stopped suicidal thoughts dead in their tracks was when I met my gf in hospital. We were both in a bad place but just clicked. Unfortunately we were separated, and I got psychosis so we were apart for a year during which I had more attempts but she texted me out of the blue and we got back together. I have been suicidal a few times while with her, the arguments haven't helped. And although I ordered SN, I realised I can't do it to her, I'm all she has really. Life would be better for me if I didn't exist. But I guess I need to make the most of it since I'm probably not going to CTB any time soon.What bugs me these days are three or four things. Boredom, inability to enjoy things. I just waste time on social media. But Reddit is a fucking shithole, the mods are power abusing fucking cunts and Reddit does absolutely nothing about their abuses. And Redditors are largely cold, uncaring assholes happy to downvote people into oblivion. So my time there is pretty miserable. I like going to raves and I'm trying to host my own club night in a few months but money is a big problem. Drinks are bloody expensive, tickets are expensive, travel is expensive. Hiring a venue and DJs is expensive, advertising is expensive. I don't think I'm going to break even and my money is really dwindling. I can only afford to go out once every 3 months or so. Unfortunately my therapy cost me quite a bit too, and it's turned out to be pretty useless. So I spend a lot of time here. Unfortunately half the time I try to help people, I get negative reactions from someone. People here tend not to like any positivity. It's a bit of a cult here. But at least some people do appreciate it. Otherwise I'd be completely lost. I can't just be an ushered of death. It's immoral and illegal. I'll help people die if I think they don't have good hope for recovery. But not someone who's young and has barely explored recovery. I have to stick by my ethics. I understand what it's like to be suicidal and just want to go, I really do. But I also understand that some people sometimes just need nudges towards recovery to avoid a deep tragedy. I wish this place wasn't so cultist at times and was more balanced. Pro-choice seems to have very different meaning to different people. Unfortunately this place earns its stigma and criticisms at times. But nevertheless it is quite a supportive and caring community and is otherwise accepting of quite a lot. I wonder if it should split into two, one being pro-death where suggestions of recovery are explicitly banned, and another where it's ok to want to die and have suicidal thoughts, but suggestions for recovery are also expected and appreciated. It would remove the conflict and the cultists can do what they please in peace, while what I see as they true pro-lifers can have the best of both worlds and not be a toxic echochamber where people delude themselves that no-one ever has any hope and the definition of life is meaninglessness.

Vent over, thanks for listening. How about you my friend? Anything you'd like to get off your chest? I hope you're doing well

 

[Lonerzepam]

I have a whole thread about my story you can check it out here if you want :)
Thread 'Why tf am I still here' https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/why-tf-am-i-still-here.102360/

 

[LocalAngel]

Ngl idk where to even begin. Abridged version of my life:
Childhood truama. abusive dad, autism and school didnt mix either. at 13 i abandoned him and never saw him again. 14 and i had a bunch of CSA trauma. Easily over... 20+ people? also almost got kidnapped 3 times. got bullied in high school also.

At 16 i got with a 29 year old in a "relationship" and no one seemed to care about the age difference. She taught me about self harm. stealing. etc. thankfully I haven't done anything illegal but. yeah. i was very suicidal at 17. i found the PPH, made plans, didnt do anything, and left her at 18 due to some... abusive tendencies she had.

19, joined a cult. left the same year. got into awful relationships. got cheated on twice. one behind my back for 3m, one for 2y. got a stalker at 21. and inbetween all of this, i was actively, intentionally making my mental health worse to try and feel better somehow. december of 2021 started to finally heal, got knocked down by the pandemic hitting where i live and sending me to be stuck inside out of fear. and now i have a wonderful partner who i, currently, am trying to be alive for.

But its this constant conflict. I only want to be alive for their sake, not my own. and... that's only become a recent thing. i was healing. I'm not anymore. I actively want to get worse to push myself over the edge, and yet, I don't tip over for their sake.


This is only scratching the surface of course. these are just the main things that come to mind. is it any fucking wonder that i want to CTB? I've been failed in so, so so so so many aspects of my life.

 

[ilovecats]

I really wish I had another way of thinking so I wouldn't see the world as I do now. We live to reproduce, just as any other being on this planet. That's how life works and there's no other meaning even if you wanted to make one yourself. Then we die, the world would be as if we never existed and the ones that mourned us will die too, deleting every memory of us. And even if by pure luck/hardwork you manage to get into the history books, the humanity will end someday. There's no escape from being completely forgotten. Every memory of us, every thing we achieved, every trace of our existence will be wiped out of reality no matter what. I hoped I could've found a way to live my life to the fullest, set my own personal goals and just be happy during the short time I have on this planet so at least I make something out of what the universe gave me, but I just can't. I lost people I loved, I have a horrible abusive father that beat me up for the smallest things that also fought with my mother continuously, but for f knows reason they wouldn't divorce. He couldn't stop saying how much of a failure I am even though he was and still is working illegally for 200$ a month, beat me up countless times, sending me to the clinic, and one time even tried to drag me to do a DNA test to prove that I'm not his son. The worst part is that I still have some good memories with him and I don't know how to feel towards him. The person I care about the most, my mother, is working in another country for financial reasons and didn't see her for over 6 years. The only way I contact her is through the phone and I hate it. I want to hug her so bad. I also have no friends, I'm poor, went from top students in my city to the lower end and other things that I'm not comfortable to talk about. I know my situation is nothing compared to what others go through but because of all this, my mental health suffered. Already tried 2 times to end myself with well set up methods, but I was too much of a coward to get the job done. Currently, my only way to cope is through the gym and alcohol. I have nobody to talk to about my problems, so I came here with the hope of finding a way to kill myself while being at ease with death, to which I tend to, or at least live a decent life. In other words, to find my path.



Also, I would like to mention that you seem like a very happy and optimistic person. Please never change!

 

[FieldsofLavender]

I first kind of knew I wasn't normal around when I was 10, but I really started to want to ctb when I was 11 or 12, when I realized I was LGBT and that my highly religious, conservative area and family wouldn't be accepting of it... I had my first attempt around then, and things kind of spiraled from there, ehehe. I gained a SH addiction I can't live without, I discovered I was just one of the alters in a system rather than being the singular person in this body, I became bulimic to try to control my weight, I had a psychotic break in highschool that led to me being seen as a freak once people found out about it and my SH addiction. I was told I was a monster, a freak, and some other names that I really don't want to repeat because they're just really, really upsetting... People started avoiding me, and I lost all of my irl friends... Once highschool ended I just got worse and worse, developing an intense agoraphobia and a hatred of people looking at me... I'm really only still alive because my online friends and the family I live with want me alive, and I'd be traumatizing them if I ever did ctb... I still really hope to one day, but... For now I exist for their comfort, ehehe.

 

[FuneralCry]

By the way OP, there is a "recovery" section on here which is to support people who are trying to improve their lives and see potential for that to happen. I think the hopeful words to carry on living belong in there, as that type of thing can be very invalidating and dismissive to those who are seriously considering suicide. I believe that in the suicide discussion people wish to have their feelings validated and have their decisions supported and maybe communicate with like minded people. Some people just want a place to vent as well, and discuss the subject of suicide which they cannot do elsewhere. This is the only place where we can be open about our wish to die, and I think that if people wanted invalidating platitudes encouraging them to carry on living then they would go anywhere else, as they will receive that pretty much anywhere in this pro life society. In the suicide discussion the focus is on respecting people's decisions and not pushing life valuing statements onto people. Not everyone values life and I believe that so many of us come here for somewhere to be honest about how much we hate existing without all of the forced positivity and disrespectful unsolicited "advice".

Anyway, in my case there really isn't much of a "story", basically I despise the very nature of existence and I've never wished to be here but sadly I still am. I believe that existence is absolutely not worth enduring and I don't wish to suffer in any way, so therefore as a result of this I am suicidal. The only thing that comforts me is the thought of permanent non existence, where I will finally be free from this hellish world. I believe that those who die are very fortunate.

 

[RJLearns]

I've been suicidal on and off since I was 20,22 years ago. Although I had my first thought of wanting to die when I was 6. I've had 7 hospital stays, been on about 15 antidepressants and had a lot of therapy. The only thing that stopped suicidal thoughts dead in their tracks was when I met my gf in hospital. We were both in a bad place but just clicked. Unfortunately we were separated, and I got psychosis so we were apart for a year during which I had more attempts but she texted me out of the blue and we got back together. I have been suicidal a few times while with her, the arguments haven't helped. And although I ordered SN, I realised I can't do it to her, I'm all she has really. Life would be better for me if I didn't exist. But I guess I need to make the most of it since I'm probably not going to CTB any time soon.What bugs me these days are three or four things. Boredom, inability to enjoy things. I just waste time on social media. But Reddit is a fucking shithole, the mods are power abusing fucking cunts and Reddit does absolutely nothing about their abuses. And Redditors are largely cold, uncaring assholes happy to downvote people into oblivion. So my time there is pretty miserable. I like going to raves and I'm trying to host my own club night in a few months but money is a big problem. Drinks are bloody expensive, tickets are expensive, travel is expensive. Hiring a venue and DJs is expensive, advertising is expensive. I don't think I'm going to break even and my money is really dwindling. I can only afford to go out once every 3 months or so. Unfortunately my therapy cost me quite a bit too, and it's turned out to be pretty useless. So I spend a lot of time here. Unfortunately half the time I try to help people, I get negative reactions from someone. People here tend not to like any positivity. It's a bit of a cult here. But at least some people do appreciate it. Otherwise I'd be completely lost. I can't just be an ushered of death. It's immoral and illegal. I'll help people die if I think they don't have good hope for recovery. But not someone who's young and has barely explored recovery. I have to stick by my ethics. I understand what it's like to be suicidal and just want to go, I really do. But I also understand that some people sometimes just need nudges towards recovery to avoid a deep tragedy. I wish this place wasn't so cultist at times and was more balanced. Pro-choice seems to have very different meaning to different people. Unfortunately this place earns its stigma and criticisms at times. But nevertheless it is quite a supportive and caring community and is otherwise accepting of quite a lot. I wonder if it should split into two, one being pro-death where suggestions of recovery are explicitly banned, and another where it's ok to want to die and have suicidal thoughts, but suggestions for recovery are also expected and appreciated. It would remove the conflict and the cultists can do what they please in peace, while what I see as they true pro-lifers can have the best of both worlds and not be a toxic echochamber where people delude themselves that no-one ever has any hope and the definition of life is meaninglessness.

Vent over, thanks for listening. How about you my friend? Anything you'd like to get off your chest? I hope you're doing well

Thank you for sharing, jodes. I'm glad that you told me about your experiences. I don't mean to be assumptive, but by the sound of what you said in the beginning your depression is clinical. Normally I'd give something like the traditional 'therapy & look into antidepressants' advice, but that hasn't seemed to be as effective for you as you would like it to be. That being said, the fact that you are not C(ing)TB due to the existence of your girlfriend is a good sign. At least partial recovery is much more possible than people think, no matter how much failed treatment they receive.

Trying to host a rave is also a very interesting goal of yours! I haven't met anybody else who's wanted to do such a thing… Or, at least, admitted it. At the very least, hobbies are important for everyone to have no matter how meaningless to society it appears to be. As long as it holds inherent value towards the individual, it will become a reason to live. This isn't exclusive to hobbies, either. Love in all forms is a reason itself to live. I know you've been having this issue for a long time, but I don't think it 'too late' for you to get better mentally.

I trust you when you say you're not really going to bite the bullet any time soon, so I'm happy to tell you that your life will become better once you achieve your goal. I'm nearly certain of it. Thank you again for telling me, and I hope I didn't say anything that hurt you.

 

[RJLearns]

By the way OP, there is a "recovery" section on here which is to support people who are trying to improve their lives and see potential for that to happen. I think the hopeful words to carry on living belong in there, as that type of thing can be very invalidating and dismissive to those who are seriously considering suicide. I believe that in the suicide discussion people wish to have their feelings validated and have their decisions supported and maybe communicate with like minded people. Some people just want a place to vent as well, and discuss the subject of suicide which they cannot do elsewhere. This is the only place where we can be open about our wish to die, and I think that if people wanted invalidating platitudes encouraging them to carry on living then they would go anywhere else, as they will receive that pretty much anywhere in this pro life society. In the suicide discussion the focus is on respecting people's decisions and not pushing life valuing statements onto people. Not everyone values life and I believe that so many of us come here for somewhere to be honest about how much we hate existing without all of the forced positivity and disrespectful unsolicited "advice".

Anyway, in my case there really isn't much of a "story", basically I despise the very nature of existence and I've never wished to be here but sadly I still am. I believe that existence is absolutely not worth enduring and I don't wish to suffer in any way, so therefore as a result of this I am suicidal. The only thing that comforts me is the thought of permanent non existence, where I will finally be free from this hellish world. I believe that those who die are very fortunate.

Judging by your first paragraph, I'm going to go the safe route and say you are DNS. I apologize if I said anything wrong, but I don't think I did. I just want to learn peoples' stories and become better because of it. As for not putting this in Recovery, you are absolutely right. I could have done that instead, I suppose.

But I feel like in this section of the forum people would typically be more pessimistic about their outlook and some even having too much self hatred to actively seek out an attempt at recovery even when the possibilities are right there. There is always the chance of reconsideration; and there are escapes that don't resort to suicide.

If you put DNS in front of your post I won't give you words of support or advice. I already have some posts here that appreciate my positivity, too! That makes me happy, truly. I don't consider this platitudes or 'toxic positivity'. I just want to learn whilst also being supportive of an individual's choice. I don't like the bipartisan thought process of "put pro-life positivity and pro-choice positivity in separate sections". All it takes is thoughtful, honest discussion. Thank you for telling me how this part of the forum works. I appreciate it.

I really wish I had another way of thinking so I wouldn't see the world as I do now. We live to reproduce, just as any other being on this planet. That's how life works and there's no other meaning even if you wanted to make one yourself. Then we die, the world would be as if we never existed and the ones that mourned us will die too, deleting every memory of us. And even if by pure luck/hardwork you manage to get into the history books, the humanity will end someday. There's no escape from being completely forgotten. Every memory of us, every thing we achieved, every trace of our existence will be wiped out of reality no matter what. I hoped I could've found a way to live my life to the fullest, set my own personal goals and just be happy during the short time I have on this planet so at least I make something out of what the universe gave me, but I just can't. I lost people I loved, I have a horrible abusive father that beat me up for the smallest things that also fought with my mother continuously, but for f knows reason they wouldn't divorce. He couldn't stop saying how much of a failure I am even though he was and still is working illegally for 200$ a month, beat me up countless times, sending me to the clinic, and one time even tried to drag me to do a DNA test to prove that I'm not his son. The worst part is that I still have some good memories with him and I don't know how to feel towards him. The person I care about the most, my mother, is working in another country for financial reasons and didn't see her for over 6 years. The only way I contact her is through the phone and I hate it. I want to hug her so bad. I also have no friends, I'm poor, went from top students in my city to the lower end and other things that I'm not comfortable to talk about. I know my situation is nothing compared to what others go through but because of all this, my mental health suffered. Already tried 2 times to end myself with well set up methods, but I was too much of a coward to get the job done. Currently, my only way to cope is through the gym and alcohol. I have nobody to talk to about my problems, so I came here with the hope of finding a way to kill myself while being at ease with death, to which I tend to, or at least live a decent life. In other words, to find my path.



Also, I would like to mention that you seem like a very happy and optimistic person. Please never change!

First of all, thank you for telling me about yourself. I'm glad that you told me. Judging by what you said, you are afraid of true death. I don't want to sound too philosophical or 'wise' or anything, but to summarize that concept there is a saying:

"There are two deaths. One where your heart stops beating, and one where you are thought of for the last time."

At least, I think that's how it goes. It's not exactly verbatim. Regardless, I understand what you are trying to say. We're going to inevitably die, and that includes our loved ones. Nothing can change this. Dealing with our mortality is something that all of us will eventually have to come to terms with. Going your own way and C(ing)TB certainly gives you that freedom of choice. The freedom to choose is a needed one. That being said, coming from a son that went through abuse from their father myself, the things you said made me hurt. Not you, but like, it's just painful to go through that experience and sometimes it's just as painful remembering, if not worse. You fill yourself with regret that drives you to the breaking point, and the further you down-spiral the further you take drastic measures. It happened with my Aunt when she couldn't pay off her credit card debt, and it happened with my one of my best friends when a friend of her own died, several years ago. I have regrets, too. I could have done better, but it's impossible to know for sure when someone you care about is going to die.

With all of that said, I want to tell you how important it is to cherish those you care about, because like you said, they won't be around forever. And neither will you. Leaving your mark on the world is easier than you think, you just have to have the right mindset to understand that. Not to say that the things you are saying are wrong, but wouldn't it be true to say that public servants make a lasting effect on this world? Being remembered for decades to come is another goal altogether. Lots of us fantasize about being famous. Regrettably, some even fantasize about being infamous. Regardless of which path someone takes, 99 times out of 100 they chose that path.

I hope I'm not being overzealous or giving you 'toxic positivity', but I'm certain that you can become better with just some time and effort. Making friends is a key part of that, too. Do you maybe want to share discord tags, if you have discord? I would like to be one of your friends if that isn't too much to put on you. I don't know how PMing works but I should certainly look into that, haha.

I don't mean to sound like a typical therapist with the things I'm saying, since I know most people here don't care for that. I'm just a guy that wants to help. If I make things worse for you, please tell me. In the end it is your choice, but there are some choices people can't take back. I hope you take these words to heart, because I think your life can and will improve with time. Thank you for talking to me, Funeral.

I first kind of knew I wasn't normal around when I was 10, but I really started to want to ctb when I was 11 or 12, when I realized I was LGBT and that my highly religious, conservative area and family wouldn't be accepting of it... I had my first attempt around then, and things kind of spiraled from there, ehehe. I gained a SH addiction I can't live without, I discovered I was just one of the alters in a system rather than being the singular person in this body, I became bulimic to try to control my weight, I had a psychotic break in highschool that led to me being seen as a freak once people found out about it and my SH addiction. I was told I was a monster, a freak, and some other names that I really don't want to repeat because they're just really, really upsetting... People started avoiding me, and I lost all of my irl friends... Once highschool ended I just got worse and worse, developing an intense agoraphobia and a hatred of people looking at me... I'm really only still alive because my online friends and the family I live with want me alive, and I'd be traumatizing them if I ever did ctb... I still really hope to one day, but... For now I exist for their comfort, ehehe.

I'm glad you aren't ending your life right away, and it makes me happy that you thought about those you care about before C(ing)TB. Thank you for telling me your story. Living with hateful parents certainly is a fucking pain, right? I'm a closeted bisexual even today; I could never tell anybody. Not because I'm necessarily uncomfortable with the coming out part, but more-so the sexuality part. It just doesn't seem appropriate for me to talk about my sexuality like that. I can just live my life without caring for coming out, and if they find out they find out. Also, a secret between you and me, I actually haven't had an IRL friend since the 1st grade. Crazy, right? It's been more than a decade since then.

As for you being one of your alters, I have lots of experience with people with DID! In fact, my girlfriend has DID! For privacy I won't speak of her real names but rather her initials. She has a high amount of control, but sometimes can't help but space out and disassociate. Mostly she's K but sometimes she's W, R, L, and several more, although they typically don't take control often. I was also a volunteer counselor for a time and talked to several people with DID, so I'd like to think I have some good second and third hand experience.

Enough about me, though. Some people in society, and I assume this includes your parents, don't believe in the concept of 'online friends'. You should be prepared for people to not understand. It's been hard for you, I can see that. I wish I could give you a hug through this screen.

Being deprived of love is the fucking worst. Most of my suicidal experiences have been because of the loss of a loved one in one way shape or form, so I have first hand experience. That being said, I wouldn't mind being your friend. I limit who I say this to because I believe in quality over quantity, meaning I can't just make 70 friends and expect to be able to have quality relationships with them when I barely would have time to talk to most of them.

And if you don't want to be friends, that's okay too! I'm glad you even told me about yourself. I appreciate what you told me. Thank you for taking your time to talk to a stranger like me. I'd love to talk more!

Ngl idk where to even begin. Abridged version of my life:
Childhood truama. abusive dad, autism and school didnt mix either. at 13 i abandoned him and never saw him again. 14 and i had a bunch of CSA trauma. Easily over... 20+ people? also almost got kidnapped 3 times. got bullied in high school also.

At 16 i got with a 29 year old in a "relationship" and no one seemed to care about the age difference. She taught me about self harm. stealing. etc. thankfully I haven't done anything illegal but. yeah. i was very suicidal at 17. i found the PPH, made plans, didnt do anything, and left her at 18 due to some... abusive tendencies she had.

19, joined a cult. left the same year. got into awful relationships. got cheated on twice. one behind my back for 3m, one for 2y. got a stalker at 21. and inbetween all of this, i was actively, intentionally making my mental health worse to try and feel better somehow. december of 2021 started to finally heal, got knocked down by the pandemic hitting where i live and sending me to be stuck inside out of fear. and now i have a wonderful partner who i, currently, am trying to be alive for.

But its this constant conflict. I only want to be alive for their sake, not my own. and... that's only become a recent thing. i was healing. I'm not anymore. I actively want to get worse to push myself over the edge, and yet, I don't tip over for their sake.


This is only scratching the surface of course. these are just the main things that come to mind. is it any fucking wonder that i want to CTB? I've been failed in so, so so so so many aspects of my life.

Thank you for telling me about yourself. It's normal to live for others. In fact, that's one of the most common reasons for living on in today's world. We have people we care about, and more often than not those people are others, and sadly that sometimes doesn't include ourselves.

Being given failure throughout life is bound to make anyone feel this way. You're not alone in that thought process; I've made so many mistakes that I can't take back. I wasn't the best person in my past. I cheated on my previous SO because of some stupid reason like 'they weren't giving me enough attention'. I paid the price for it. I also drove friends away for a time, secretly wanting to be some sort of prince in distress. I hoped they would stay anyway and tell me they care, but in the end it was just me being greedy for attention. I can't take those mistakes back because they're long gone. And the worst part is, for me, that I deserve those failures. Knowing I was the one in the wrong made me constantly regret my choices. Even today. A day doesn't go by where I have a regret weighing on me.

What's unjust is the fact that your failures were given to you time and time again. It bombards your self esteem and makes you start to overthink. On one hand, it wasn't right for you to be let down several times like that. You did nothing wrong, as far as I am aware. On the other hand, I want you to know that you should at least take some comfort in the fact that you are not to blame. It's not your fault, and thinking it is when you were the one who was wronged is common with victims. There are ups and downs, but I hope you take some positivity out of your life, even when there are things that go wrong.

I don't know if you told your partner about all of the things you've told me here, but it seems like they care about you judging by how to describe them. That constant conflict of feeling like you're shallow for living for them is something I've felt for a while too. I live for my partner, and I'd die for her too. Your partner is someone worth protecting. Worth loving. I'm glad you have them in your life, and I'd love to hear more about why you love them!

I have a whole thread about my story you can check it out here if you want :)
Thread 'Why tf am I still here' https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/why-tf-am-i-still-here.102360/

Thanks! I'll take a look.
I believe I've replied to everyone here. If I didn't, it's because I'm waiting for moderator approval of my message.

 

[Navi]

Something is wrong with me. I know that much. I don't know exactly what but I just know that something is wrong. My ability to feel emotion is pretty limited. Its hard for me to feel happy or excited. Its also pretty hard for me to feel sad or upset too. I can take a flurry of insults very easily. The death of someone close or a tragedy that has happened to someone doesn't urk me. The only thing I can def feel is anger. Pure unbridled hate. I hate when people treat me like a person. I hate when people try to support me. I hate how they always sound so patrionizing. The only thing that managees to calm me down is absorbing myself in a feeling I can't describe. Despair? Hopelessness? Gloom? Peace? I don't know what it is nor can I describe it. The only thing that can take me remotely close to that feeling is music but even thats starting to fail me now. I still want to tell someone. I still want to let someone know because if I bottle it up I feel like it will eat me alive. I guess I don't want consolation, but a solution. I want to be happy just like I was all those years ago. I want to be able to see life with colors again. Sadly I don't think it will be possible. I'm beyond saving.

I am someone with no talent. Everything I do comes out mediocre at best. I can never fully master anything. People tell me to not compare myself. That one day i will find something or that I just have to discipline myself. Bullshit. It's all bullshit. What do they know? What do they know about having nothing to be proud of? Nothing to show? People with no talent, people like me, have to work extra hard just to get by and even then we're left eating dust. It's not fair. It's just not fair.

Every so often I have the urge to hurt and leave my friends. They are just so vunerable I can't help but just want to hurt them. Whenever they vent their sadness or frustrations, I understand but I can't help to care. I kinda like seeing them in pain. It kinda feels like they deserve it. Sometimes I make them feel guilty for feling bad for me or I make a fake situation so they can feel guity over something they really should'nt be over. It feels like some sort or revenge. I like manipulating people to doing what I want. I always find a way to get what I want. Right now I'm working on hurting them badly and then leaving. I want to show them what happens when they help someone like me. It's what they get for hurting me and trying to make me become someone I'm not. I warned them so many times that I'm not a good person and that I am a liar but they just thought I was self deprecating. It's terrible but after being called "selfish" and "horrible" or something along those lines by just about everyone I know I just got used to being the bad person in life. No matter how much good I want to do there will always be someone I hurt or that takes offense in what I do. I don't care anymore.

The only reason I didn't put DNS is because I would like to know what exactly is wrong with me. I don't care about fixing it but I guess I just wanna fill in that puzzle piece of myself. Don't console me. Just take a guess. Ignore if you want because in all honesty I wouldn't blame you.

 

[jodes2]

Thank you for sharing, jodes. I'm glad that you told me about your experiences. I don't mean to be assumptive, but by the sound of what you said in the beginning your depression is clinical. Normally I'd give something like the traditional 'therapy & look into antidepressants' advice, but that hasn't seemed to be as effective for you as you would like it to be. That being said, the fact that you are not C(ing)TB due to the existence of your girlfriend is a good sign. At least partial recovery is much more possible than people think, no matter how much failed treatment they receive.

Trying to host a rave is also a very interesting goal of yours! I haven't met anybody else who's wanted to do such a thing… Or, at least, admitted it. At the very least, hobbies are important for everyone to have no matter how meaningless to society it appears to be. As long as it holds inherent value towards the individual, it will become a reason to live. This isn't exclusive to hobbies, either. Love in all forms is a reason itself to live. I know you've been having this issue for a long time, but I don't think it 'too late' for you to get better mentally.

I trust you when you say you're not really going to bite the bullet any time soon, so I'm happy to tell you that your life will become better once you achieve your goal. I'm nearly certain of it. Thank you again for telling me, and I hope I didn't say anything that hurt you.

Thank you for your lovely response and compliments it brought me a smile :) I like having uplifting chats on here with people yes things could be worse, they could be better, but it's comportant to hold onto what one has and practice gratefulness. A lot of us can only hope that life is tolerable, and try to enjoy the precious few moments of joy that life brings us. I hope you're doing ok

 

[Citruscine]

May not seem like much compared to others. No big T trauma, but smaller things like bullying, being gay and closeted, and growing up with emotionally manipulative / distant parents and a sibling with anger issues. School was/is rough because of parental expectations, the pressure from peers and professors of being in a competitive program, and health issues.

Depression, suicidality, and constant emotional distress have been part of my life since my early teens. I started SH when I was in highschool and attempted suicide twice in university. I was diagnosed with BPD after an inpatient hospitalization, which explained a lot, but didn't help much. I tried various antidepressants, which never felt like they did much, and never really got far with therapy / DBT.

When I was researching suicide methods, I found this forum through looking at medical academic papers documenting suicide cases. Although I'm not currently intending to CTB (I still do have suicidal thoughts everyday), I've been lurking in it since as it is one of the only places where you can talk about suicidality without stigma.

 

[SomethingsOff]

I was a loud kid. A teachers pet. I was different from the beginning when i think about it. Gullible, gullible me. They'd jeer at me with silly tricks to make me curse in accident. I was the only one who fell for it.
I never had more than, like, three friends at once. Other oddballs. I think the worse period of bullying was like… fourth grade ish. Three boys. Four at the end if the year. No one would hang around me because of them. I think it was the first time i wanted to die. I didn't realize it. But I wanted to disappear. The bullying never ended.
I was disposable. To everyone. My mom says the bullying wasn't real, was exaggerated. Where you there when they whispered horrible things to me? When they laughed at every little FUCKING thing i did? When they took my stuff, made me feel like less than trash, made me KNOW how worthless and unlovable i was? Haha. No. Shut up. You've never taken me seriously the only thing that matter's about me is that i do good in school.
I turned to a god. I hoped I could be loved. By god, by fellow believers.
Things never change. They bullied me too. Called me weird. Whispered and posted unflattering pictures of me on the internet and laughed.
Then i found out i was queer.
My first girl crush was named McKenna. Or McKayla. Funny how i don't remember. She was so pretty. Her hair was soft and she was so nice and I wanted her to hold my hand.
My friends thought gay people should burn in hell. I didn't. Never did. But i never said anything. They were the only people i had. I was told i could be fixed. What i had was an illness. Hated god.
I was trans too. Hated my body. Still do. I wanted it torn apart with my soul.
I'd go online for validation no one in real life would give me. Was groomed for nudes and i hated being called a girl but at least i was a pretty girl. Good for something.
I started hurting myself when i was like fifteen. Around when covid started. I'd use a pencil sharpener and make little lines in my palm. Tiny. I kinda hoped someone might notice. No one noticed me though. I was always either a target or to be ignored.
Switched to bolder, bigger cuts. I went deep from the start once i got a real blade. I was always so angry and sad. I'm covered in raised purple and red lines. Everywhere.
I will never be gendered right. I dont like being alive and i dont want to be. I have no future- i have never had a purpose other than good grades and i cant even do that now. I plan to be dead before i graduate in may.
I have NEVER seen myself being alive past like 20. Im tired of feeling like i want to kill myself every day. I don't want to get better. I just want to finally die.
They always say that people who want to die just want the pain to stop but i just want to be dead. I dont want to live for another 60+ years.