Discussion Does any one else fear how their loved ones or family members might react to their ctb?

[lifeeternal]

I used to not want to ctb due to knowing how it would affect my at the time boyfriend and family. but now me and him are long since broken up, my mom is dying out in a hospital, and the only other family who I think would maybe miss me is states and countries away. Idk maybe this will fall on deaf ears because I know a lot of people who are choosing to ctb are doing it due to having no one in their lives, but I just wanted to see if anyone was in a similar situation where they feel like they're living for someone because their scared of how that person might react when you ctb. Or any other situations that might be like that.

 

[Hardcore_Henry]

All the time. i do have family and friends that love me, something not all people have unfortunately, and it kills me inside to know that it's potentially going to traumatize them if i do decide to die. it's not the only reason, but it's one reason as to why Ive been hanging around for so long.

 

[lifeeternal]

All the time. i do have family and friends that love me, something not all people have unfortunately, and it kills me inside to know that it's potentially going to traumatize them if i do decide to die. it's not the only reason, but it's one reason as to why Ive been hanging around for so long.

Yeah that's how I feel about my family who's in other states, i'm scared of traumatizing them or sending them down some spiral thinking it was their fault somehow when it wasn't. How have you been treating them knowing you've been having thoughts about death? I've seen a lot of discussion about people who become really close and caring to those around them right before they ctb, and some who become as distant as possible before they ctb; do you have any idea of which one you will choose to do if you to end up choosing to die?

 

[lament.]

I know my parents and siblings would be devastated by my death, which pains me a lot, but ultimately I still want to die. I feel selfish but at the same time it doesn't weigh on me enough to stop myself from ctb. Regardless, I want to be able to explain to them how I feel and how I reached this point, that I love them and that none of this is their fault but I've tried writing notes both short and long but I can't properly put how I feel into words. In my last attempt I had no note written and though I know it's incredibly selfish I feel like that might be the best way for me to go. Thinking about how they will feel in the future and what I could possibly say to them is just too exhausting and I'm already all out of energy. Sorry if this is kind of a ramble, surprise surprise I couldn't put how I feel properly into words.

 

[Hardcore_Henry]

Yeah that's how I feel about my family who's in other states, i'm scared of traumatizing them or sending them down some spiral thinking it was their fault somehow when it wasn't. How have you been treating them knowing you've been having thoughts about death? I've seen a lot of discussion about people who become really close and caring to those around them right before they ctb, and some who become as distant as possible before they ctb; do you have any idea of which one you will choose to do if you to end up choosing to die?

the last thing i want to do is treat the people closest to me as if they don't have any impact on me. i haven't distanced myself from them, even when i feel im at my worst. i want to leave them feeling like they mattered. you?

 

[offtoseethewizard]

It'll blow them to smithereens I'm afraid I've realised after believing they'd be ok or maybe even a little bit relieved for so long. It's a sad thing to realise

 

[brokeandbroken]

I used to not want to ctb due to knowing how it would affect my at the time boyfriend and family. but now me and him are long since broken up, my mom is dying out in a hospital, and the only other family who I think would maybe miss me is states and countries away. Idk maybe this will fall on deaf ears because I know a lot of people who are choosing to ctb are doing it due to having no one in their lives, but I just wanted to see if anyone was in a similar situation where they feel like they're living for someone because their scared of how that person might react when you ctb. Or any other situations that might be like that.

Instead of helping me. My family I think just mourned my death and did virtually nothing. It would be a relief for them I suppose. Then again that implies they think I'm worth a burial. I doubt they'd pay for it...

 

[lifeeternal]

the last thing i want to do is treat the people closest to me as if they don't have any impact on me. i haven't distanced myself from them, even when i feel im at my worst. i want to leave them feeling like they mattered. you?

yeah that makes a lot of sense actually, I've kind of just been torn between the two but i really agree with you, I think the people in my life deserve to know they had an impact on me, and that might be the best way to help them know it's not their fault. I really just don't know how to convey that I care about them, especially considering the one person I care about the most, my sister lives in another state, do you have any suggestions on how I could show my gratitude to them?

It'll blow them to smithereens I'm afraid I've realised after believing they'd be ok or maybe even a little bit relieved for so long. It's a sad thing to realise

yeah, there's a lot of people in my life who I know would be released by my death, it's truly a sad and isolating feeling, i'm really sorry that you have to feel that too, I know it might not be any consolation but I completely get how you feel.

I know my parents and siblings would be devastated by my death, which pains me a lot, but ultimately I still want to die. I feel selfish but at the same time it doesn't weigh on me enough to stop myself from ctb. Regardless, I want to be able to explain to them how I feel and how I reached this point, that I love them and that none of this is their fault but I've tried writing notes both short and long but I can't properly put how I feel into words. In my last attempt I had no note written and though I know it's incredibly selfish I feel like that might be the best way for me to go. Thinking about how they will feel in the future and what I could possibly say to them is just too exhausting and I'm already all out of energy. Sorry if this is kind of a ramble, surprise surprise I couldn't put how I feel properly into a

I know my parents and siblings would be devastated by my death, which pains me a lot, but ultimately I still want to die. I feel selfish but at the same time it doesn't weigh on me enough to stop myself from ctb. Regardless, I want to be able to explain to them how I feel and how I reached this point, that I love them and that none of this is their fault but I've tried writing notes both short and long but I can't properly put how I feel into words. In my last attempt I had no note written and though I know it's incredibly selfish I feel like that might be the best way for me to go. Thinking about how they will feel in the future and what I could possibly say to them is just too exhausting and I'm already all out of energy. Sorry if this is kind of a ramble, surprise surprise I couldn't put how I feel properly into words.

Yeah I have a similar issue with the words and feelings I feel being put into text and words, a lot of the time people tell me to think before I say things without realizing that I over think everything, this might now help you but have you ever thought of leaving voice memos conveying your feeling to those you care about? I feel like that's what I might do when i ctb because I feel like I might get my feelings across better in a voice memo

 

[Hardcore_Henry]

yeah that makes a lot of sense actually, I've kind of just been torn between the two but i really agree with you, I think the people in my life deserve to know they had an impact on me, and that might be the best way to help them know it's not their fault. I really just don't know how to convey that I care about them, especially considering the one person I care about the most, my sister lives in another state, do you have any suggestions on how I could show my gratitude to them?

i honestly just text them occasionally just to see how their doing, especially if they're going thru it.

i have a close friend that's going through some serious shit with his wife. i came over and just listened to him vent. and after a couple days i texted him to see if he was ok. its just one example but its a good habit to put in practice, checking in on people (at the risk of annoying them lol). its a cliche but effective answer.

in my experience, a lot of people just want someone to listen to them, and i like being that for them, especially since i don't like to talk much lol

 

[ScubaCTB]

I am literally in contact with no one. The only people who will notice I'm gone are work clients. That's why I hope by the time anyone finds my dead body in the woods, it's just a skeleton. I brush and floss twice a day (well until 2024), and haven't been to a dentist in a decade because i hate them. So I overdo the oral hygiene. They shouldn't even be able to ID me with dental records. That is my goal.

 

[lifeeternal]

i honestly just text them occasionally just to see how their doing, especially if they're going thru it.

i have a close friend that's going through some serious shit with his wife. i came over and just listened to him vent. and after a couple days i texted him to see if he was ok. its just one example but its a good habit to put in practice, checking in on people (at the risk of annoying them lol). its a cliche but effective answer.

in my experience, a lot of people just want someone to listen to them, and i like being that for them, especially since i don't like to talk much lol

yeah same I love listening to people and then asking them questions off of what they said, I'll definitely start texting and communicating with the people around me more, I just have to remember to do it because I get in this cycle of saying i'll do things then procrastinating for some dumb reason and never doing it. I try to reassure my mother a lot that i'm happy she's in my life tho, she's been in the ICU the past few weeks due to having strokes and idk, I feel horrible that she's in there and I just want her to be in a better place and I don't really know how to reassure her anymore that I care about her, that all my siblings who aren't in state right now care about her too.

 

[Hardcore_Henry]

yeah same I love listening to people and then asking them questions off of what they said, I'll definitely start texting and communicating with the people around me more, I just have to remember to do it because I get in this cycle of saying i'll do things then procrastinating for some dumb reason and never doing it. I try to reassure my mother a lot that i'm happy she's in my life tho, she's been in the ICU the past few weeks due to having strokes and idk, I feel horrible that she's in there and I just want her to be in a better place and I don't really know how to reassure her anymore that I care about her, that all my siblings who aren't in state right now care about her too.

please do communicate, it couldn't hurt. i know procrastination all to well, if you make THAT a habit it'll end up in regret. again, cliche advice, but its the best i can give lol

and i'm sorry about your mom, its never fun seeing someone that you love in pain. have a hug from over the internet from me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, I want to wait for my Dad to go first. I think it would devastate him. He's the last close family member left. It's hard to know how it would affect everyone else. I worry about it but to be honest- I've already had ideation to varying degress for over 30 years. It's not fair to expect someone to just hang around struggling just because the alternative may be upsetting for them. I've done my best to estrange myself from people- although, some have been in touch over Christmas. I feel like that's all I can do though. Not get close to anyone and not make them aware of how I feel- so they don't have to feel guilty about not trying hard enough to 'save' me. (They couldn't anyhow.) Ultimately- it's not our intention to hurt people. It's just a terrible consequence of suicide.

 

[walkingdead2023]

I used to not want to ctb due to knowing how it would affect my at the time boyfriend and family. but now me and him are long since broken up, my mom is dying out in a hospital, and the only other family who I think would maybe miss me is states and countries away. Idk maybe this will fall on deaf ears because I know a lot of people who are choosing to ctb are doing it due to having no one in their lives, but I just wanted to see if anyone was in a similar situation where they feel like they're living for someone because their scared of how that person might react when you ctb. Or any other situations that might be like that.

I think about that every minute! I know they will be damaged and hurt.. I love my family it has nothing to do with them it's me and my depression I will always ask them to forgive me and hopefully they do..that's why I'm looking to see if my death can actually looks natural it will be less pain

 

[thedevilwithin]

this goes through my mind everyday, multiple times a day.

 

[sleepy10]

I truly believe the only person it would sadden is my mom. Everyone else would just brush it off. My brother would say that it was somehow in Gods plan, my sister would just be annoyed that it might interfere with her daughters dance schedule.

 

[bramblebamblebambe]

My family already know, since my first attempt was in my teens, and in and out recovery and other traumatic events, then attempts and the cycle keeps going...I think they might be desensitized by it now, but I don't know.

I know I feel so intense emotions but a of numbness with no hope so can understand, they're busy trying to cope with their lives, so also do not expect more support or understanding they can give, I want them to know they couldn't do anything and it's not their fault,... But I don't know if it would be a shock, but I still feel just as sad and guilty about any pain I would cause them but I'm not a big part of my siblings lives so they might be better then my mum, I don't want to hurt her so I will do my best and lie to comfort her in whatever way possible in the letter. For a long time I angrily wanted the letter to not be horrible just call shit out as it was with everything not just family stuff, like a huge confession of traumas but now I just want to go quietly and cause as little suffering as possible, and pray they never feel like this.

 

[BlackMoon]

Except for one person, no, because I know for sure they don't really love me.

 

[Lostindespair3]

I know my parents and siblings would be devastated by my death, which pains me a lot, but ultimately I still want to die. I feel selfish but at the same time it doesn't weigh on me enough to stop myself from ctb. Regardless, I want to be able to explain to them how I feel and how I reached this point, that I love them and that none of this is their fault but I've tried writing notes both short and long but I can't properly put how I feel into words. In my last attempt I had no note written and though I know it's incredibly selfish I feel like that might be the best way for me to go. Thinking about how they will feel in the future and what I could possibly say to them is just too exhausting and I'm already all out of energy. Sorry if this is kind of a ramble, surprise surprise I couldn't put how I feel properly into words.

No, I think you articulated it quite well…and honestly, I feel the same. I know it will devastate my family, but when I try to write a note explaining my thoughts and feelings around my suicide feels impossible for some reason. The exhaustion is very very real.

 

[toyruin44]

My father and grandma who I live with will be devastated. Mother's gone and for a while maybe my brother would be sad too.

 

[MiMif]

I feel like they'll be happy to be honest. And thinking about that makes me smile with bitterness. They know I'm suicidal and have constantly stated how annoying and troublesome it is for them to deal with (more like ignore)

Today my father literally told me to stop bothering him and stop trying to harm myself then went on to say what a spoiled brat I was.

I feel like apart of him is waiting for me to do it so he can finally be done with the stress of sweeping me under the rug. I hate him too...however even so I feel a bit bittersweet that my death will bring relief to others.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I really don't care how any of my friends or family would react to my CTB. I used to kind of care a little bit about how my mom would feel but I've already postponed it several times for her and it's honestly getting annoying. I am aware that my lack of concern makes me rather immoral as a person and that's exactly why I need to die in the first place. Hopefully with my note and other projects more people will come to understand that my death will be a net positive for the world no matter how much my friends and family cry and whine about it. I hope they all come to resent me for who I was while alive just as much as I do so that they will also see why my CTB was necessary but if they can't see it that way that's on them.

If I got a potential girlfriend however I might start to care how she feels at first but I think that's just hormones talking. Once I've satisfied these disgusting lizard brain instincts maybe I'll stop caring about her after all and she'll also come to realize that I should have died before meeting her and making her life worse by being in it.

 

[cold_severance]

no, on the contrary i wish they would suffer. though they don't give a shit about me, "what would others think" will at least give them some degree of pain. i hope at least.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

No, I don't really have any form of attachment to anybody here so I don't really care about others at all

 

[onbekend]

Definitely. I had a family member who had attempted suicide, it was one of my siblings. Long story short, they failed and they were in a psyche ward for a while and they always talk about just how terrible it was in there. They're doing much better now, but the very thought of me telling anyone or me failing like my sibling did terrifies me.

 

[mortuarymary]

My dogs. I cant leave them.

 

[Schaf]

The only ones who are going to cry is my bf and (spiritually?) my cat, some friends, I'll be remembered but people move on, I'll try to be as low profile as I can and not "influence" anyone

Now, blood related family? They already said they regret to not had me aborted back then. After my 3rd attempt my mom said I better be successful next time (I wasn't lmao mom I'm sorry I'm trying!!!!) (It was the 3rd, but the only one she knew) and said how much she wanted to see me dead already.

Well, we don't chose family, but we chose friends, I know they will be sad. But it won't be shocking (I'm meaning people who doesn't say actively about ctb, I do almost daily, lost lots of friends because of that bc of that too. It's all about supporting mental illness until you have a suicidal interacting near you )

 

[goblin99]

I feel like I used to care a lot more than I do now. I know people will be hurt when I'm gone, but they'll heal. They'll move on. All of them have others to support them. I don't. It might be selfish to put them through that pain. I just hope they can try to understand. They all know how long I've been going through this.

 

[Aim]

I don't think they will suffer, but I do hope they learn something.