Do you wish that you ctb at an earlier date

[FuneralCry]

In my case, I always wish that I left this world when I was much younger. I'm 21 and 21 years of existing is more than enough for me and I just feel so tired. It's so horrifying that this life could go on for many more decades. All that lies ahead for me is more misery and it's so dreadful to think about the future. If I ctb at an earlier age it would have prevented so much suffering. In life all that humans do is struggle all for no purpose. I could never see a point to enduring life when instead I could be peacefully not existing.

I think that if suicide is easy I would be long gone, but when I was younger I knew nothing about suicide and I thought that if I tried to attempt then something would go wrong. The difficulty of suicide has kept me here for far longer than I should have been and I still fear failing ctb even know I have access to method information now. I have been thinking of suicide for such a long time now and I have never wanted to be here at all, always felt like I was never meant for life and the thought of dying has brought me a lot of comfort. If only suicide was not so difficult.

I think that it's best to never be born at all, existing in this world is the worst thing possible. To have died as young as possible would have been the best thing for me. I always envy those who die very young. The longer that someone stays alive, the more that they suffer and I see non existence as always being preferable to living, no matter what.

 

[TheLastK]

Absolutely, I had plans to when I was 18 but ended up not. Years on from that now, and things have just gotten progressively worse. In-between then, I was diagnosed with a lifelong illness. I could've avoided all that. Also, my sister was so young at the time and she wouldn't've understood. Now she definitely would at it pains me to think of hurting her, or worse to inspire her to do the same. I'm all for pro-choice but when it comes to the people close to you it's just so different, at least in my opinion.

 

[juraviel]

you've been in pain so long that it's hard to imagine life being anything else. but you weren't always miserable, there are no depressed infants. for some reason though you chose to make your situation worse by spending as much time on here as you do. i mean you're the most prolific writer this website has ever seen so i think that says enough. get off the internet. it doesn't guarantee your situation will get better but doing what you've been doing for whoever many months or years by this point guarantees it stays the same. and being on here hasn't helped you ctb'ing either so the only thing it does is keeping you stuck in the exact situation you can describing over and over again and your every post i mean you write and rewrite the same 2-3 messages all the day all the time non stop. you're obviously having the same thought patterns all day and it's because you're on here.. get off this site it doesn't serve you in any way seriously.

 

[Emmie]

Yes, I've had a couple of failed attempts and have now been in limbo for many years. I'm now in my late thirties and finishing my preparations to ctb with SN in late autumn. I wish I had died during my first attempt in my mid twenties.

The one positive thing about reaching this age is that I feel I know myself much better now. With that said, mellowing with age hasn't reduced my wish to die one bit.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@juraviel that's some tough love right there.

 

[Rational man]

I feel your pain..life is short even for someone who dies at 80. Ive never known ANYONE who died peacefully. Most people i know died brutally. Two people i knew were murdered by a knife attack in seperate incidents. Life is hard, its unpredictable and chaotic. There's no guarantees other than death awaits our reunification with the soil and nature. My fear of death has been reduced but fear of dying process remains. Im 36 and i dont have long so it feels like im on a track and a locomotive is heading my way. I cant even afford assisted dying, But im at peace because for me, the idea of cessation of life is more welcomed than dying in pain. I wish you peace because i can feel immense pain within you. You do however, unlike me, have the option to stand off the track and avoid the locomotive. Its hard work but crb is harder still and you can have many potentially happier Years ahead. Be KIND to you because its something many of us could do more of to help ourselves.

 

[hungry_ghost]

I used to, because my existence is so pathetic now, but if I had killed myself at 18, I wouldn't have known about the soul trap and they would have gotten me to reincarnate.

I ain't coming back here, that's for damn sure.

 

[akana]

Only because dying early makes me feel kind of envious of myself lol. but simultaneously knowing things could easily be a lot better if i tried. probably maybe. Idk. It's the stuff I know I won't have in life and certain milestones ever again that makes me consistently go into limbo.

 

[Klophy]

Yes definitely. I'm almost 30 now, wish I did it when I was younger and more impulsive. Instead I spent that impulse on believing it'll be better in the future. Now i'm too scared to attempt most methods, I too wish it was easier.

 

[I need peace]

Yes, I wish I had ctb the first time I tried it, around age 9, it would be a tragedy but I wouldn't have so many regrets and pain in my life as I have right now, I know I'm young (I'm 21), but I feel like I've lived longer than I should, there's nothing for me here

 

[Zzzzz]

Yes I do

 

[tranquilityseeker]

In my case, I always wish that I left this world when I was much younger. I'm 21 and 21 years of existing is more than enough for me and I just feel so tired. It's so horrifying that this life could go on for many more decades. All that lies ahead for me is more misery and it's so dreadful to think about the future. If I ctb at an earlier age it would have prevented so much suffering. In life all that humans do is struggle all for no purpose. I could never see a point to enduring life when instead I could be peacefully not existing.

I think that if suicide is easy I would be long gone, but when I was younger I knew nothing about suicide and I thought that if I tried to attempt then something would go wrong. The difficulty of suicide has kept me here for far longer than I should have been and I still fear failing ctb even know I have access to method information now. I have been thinking of suicide for such a long time now and I have never wanted to be here at all, always felt like I was never meant for life and the thought of dying has brought me a lot of comfort. If only suicide was not so difficult.

I think that it's best to never be born at all, existing in this world is the worst thing possible. To have died as young as possible would have been the best thing for me. I always envy those who die very young. The longer that someone stays alive, the more that they suffer and I see non existence as always being preferable to living, no matter what.

@FuneralCry I have been through too much now that I can't even explain the amount of agony inside me. Alongwith that I got a chronic painful illness. All my dreams are now destroyed piece by piece. My own betrayed me & tattered my life.

I wish I could follow the path of spirituality that I wanted and attain some enlightenment before going for ctb. I couldn't even complete that unfortunately as my conditions are forcing me to end my life. At Max I have less than a month. All I'm worried of is surviving or not being able to ingest the posion or messing up some step.

I hope you, I & everyone else here attains tranquility forever.

To live is to suffer & keep one mindlessly occupied in material aspects of the world. The one who is enlightened breaks free from this cycle of life & death and attains eternal peace free from suffering & sorrow.

 

[popcorn1234]

I honestly wished I died when I attempted to commit suicide when I was 21 years old. Life would have been more simple....

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Yes, I wish either of my first two attempts were successful. There's been little good in my life since I first tried more than two years ago. I wish that was the end.

 

[Anonymous1997ES]

At sixteen. Would've been understandable... Was bullied daily in high school, lost my first girlfriend due to a misunderstanding and ended up cancelled in Deviantart, found out the reason why my father wasn't around when I was a kid... But I didn't do so.

Nine years later, I wish I had...

 

[Coffeebean77]

I wish I hadn't gotten scared and backed out of my attempt 4 years ago.

 

[xo777]

Yes I regret it every day

 

[want2dienow]

Don't know. I wouldn't have met ryan; someone who doesn't yet know.
nevermind.
この手の質問スレは、最後まで渦中に突っ込むことを望むのでなければ、バリアを曲げさせるような馬鹿な真似はやめてほしいものです。Cease their asinine attempts at making the barrier bend, unless it desires to plumet into the vortex till its end.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, I wish I'd done it when I was 10- when I first wanted to. Still, I had more of my relatives alive then- that it would have really upset. My Dad is the only one I am hanging on for now but it's getting so bad. I couldn't move my mind onto anything else last night.

It's so sad to read so much suffering here but at the same time, there is this selfish comfort that I'm not alone.

 

[Darkover]

yeah 18 years ago now 36 due to a relationship breakup i never recoveryed from that

 

[Un-]

I'm gonna be despicable for saying this, but I think that some people don't understand that there's levels of suicidality. I can only speak for myself, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart when I say that I do not want to be alive. Not even remotely. And a lot of people.. I don't know why (maybe I'm speaking out of my ass)... say that I should hang on.. get medicated, try find friends, etcetera. They say that my life can get better, I can get happier.

I don't know what it is, man. I don't WANT those things. I don't want to be happy. If my situation had a 180 degree flip, I'd still want to die. And I've been wanting to die since childhood. Yeah, there are suicidal folk that wish they could live.. that wish that this and that could happen to them. But I'm sort of confident that them and people like myself are.. quite different, I guess.. I don't have anything to live for, and I have no wishes for life improvement. Like, I'm not angry because it comes from a place of love, I suppose.

To answer your question @FuneralCry , I wish I was never born. If that's not possible, I wish I would have died as a baby (apparently, I had multiple instances where I was near death). If not that, I wish I could've killed myself when I was crying alone in my room, searching up suicide methods. I wish I would have died in one of my attempts when I was fourteen. My life has not gotten better since then.

 

[Hope:-)]

Yes, when n was more.readily available.

 

[bloos]

Yes.. I used to have hope, maybe I still do and thats why I haven't attempted to ctb again. But everything has just gotten worse and harder. I think the hope is just the biological SI ingrained in me, and I can't wait to overcome it and finally be at peace

 

[SofterSoftest]

Three years ago, I was recovering from a major surgery and, after a piece of gauze was removed from one of my wounds, I started bleeding profusely. What is interesting is that the onset of bleeding was delayed, and the nurse who had removed my gauze had left my (private) room, so I could have theoretically just let myself bleed out. What did I do? I called for help because I had a totally unfounded hope that my surgery would bring about positive changes and I should give life another shot. I actually wanted to continue letting myself bleed and I wasn't even(!) alarmed by my amount of blood loss, which was quite considerable. But I still called for help. To this day, I'm so angry at myself - that would've been such an easy end. So yes, an emphatic yes, I wish I had taken this amazing opportunity that was literally handed to me.

 

[lionetta12]

I was suicidal when I was 11 after being diagnosed with PTSD. Regretting now that I'm an adult that I didn't go through with it. If I knew how life would turn out and never get any better, I'd definantly have had just ended it back then.

 

[Hiraeth Grimoire]

Yes sister I totally feel you. Every moment alive is generally spent in negative utility, just depends on exactly how bad it gets. Fuck life and fuck all of it. I am so done as well. I want to leave this place and never, ever return.

 

[Hurt]

At this time I'm regretting that I didn't ctbed. I want to die right now.

 

[outatime_85]

I wish my parents would have aborted me, as one did not want me and the other was hardly around.

Since that was not the outcome, I should have done it myself in my youth, but there is always a point down the road when my adventure will end.

 

[☆AwaitingEntropy☆]

My sympathies towards your suffering. This world is difficult to deal with.

As for me, I also wish I had caught the bus at a much earlier date. People would have been at least somewhat healed if I had ctb in my teens, or even as a younger adult. But I held out hope, and yet I'm still struggling. I know some people do find hopeful things in life, and I am so happy for those people, but I've long since accepted that it's unlikely to happen to me. At this point, I'm just biding my time and trying to find a good moment.

 

[fuhloof]

i dont wish i died at an earlier age, i wish i was flat-out aborted so that i didnt have to do the dirty work myself haha (plus, as embryos i guess we dont exactly have a perception of pain, at least not a significant/noticeable one)