Discussion Do you want to do suicide to repent?

[ikiruNObungaku]

Partial of the reason I want to do suicide is to repent. Not for the reasons of sin, but for my own reasons. I want to apologize to my family that I could not be a fulfilling person. I think about some of the things I have been told by my parents, and I believe sometimes I do not have the strength to carry their hopes. In order to erase the possibility of an unsuccessful future, I think death is a better option. I think this is cogent. Not only is it an apology, afterwards I think they will eventually be in a better state financially with me gone.

Does anyone else feel similarly? I wonder if suicide is a good way of apologizing. I know the people I am apologizing to will not acquiesce to my reasonings, but if the result is good then I think it is fine.

 

[madeincruddy]

Yeah, I feel pretty much the same. It's kind of a cope, since I know suicide also just transfers misery to the people around me, but from what I've seen they're 1000% more well equipped to handle it than me.

 

[Captain laser]

Partial of the reason I want to do suicide is to repent. Not for the reasons of sin, but for my own reasons. I want to apologize to my family that I could not be a fulfilling person. I think about some of the things I have been told by my parents, and I believe sometimes I do not have the strength to carry their hopes. In order to erase the possibility of an unsuccessful future, I think death is a better option. I think this is cogent. Not only is it an apology, afterwards I think they will eventually be in a better state financially with me gone.

Does anyone else feel similarly? I wonder if suicide is a good way of apologizing. I know the people I am apologizing to will not acquiesce to my reasonings, but if the result is good then I think it is fine.

three to four years ago my main reason was definitely "everyone will be so much happier when im gone" my parents did end up finding my notes and putting me in therapy and meds, after two years i was able to love living and find a reason, but uhhhh... as you can see im here, for different reasons but still here.

 

[WiltedDreams]

ctb to repent/redeem oneself is one of my top reasons to go along with it. Definitely relate to that part. I have made some bad decisions and made some bad judgements in the past. The hole I'm in is too deep and the footholds are too slippery to cling onto. I'm not strong enough, not smart enough. I feel as if as time goes by I end up screwing more people over. Everyone's better off without me.

 

[K14~♡]

I have the same thoughts, but I don't think of it as repentance/an apology. For me, It's more of a permanent means to lessen the baggage on my family, but ctb will also give them a new large baggage to deal with...

 

[ikiruNObungaku]

I have the same thoughts, but I don't think of it as repentance/an apology. For me, It's more of a permanent means to lessen the baggage on my family, but ctb will also give them a new large baggage to deal with...

I see. I believed they were synonymous to me. If you do not mind me asking, do you believe that the baggage lifted off their shoulders when you go will be greater than the result of your death?

 

[K14~♡]

I see. I believed they were synonymous to me. If you do not mind me asking, do you believe that the baggage lifted off their shoulders when you go will be greater than the result of your death?

I think they'll have less financial and familial obligations, and they'll have less stress from no longer having to deal with a child that's not up to their standards (I still live with them). But whether the emotional damage and guilt that may result from my early death will be a bigger baggage than the current one, I'm not sure...I rarely feel it cuz of my constant dissociation and emotional numbness, but I know they care and love me, even if they haven't been good overall as a family. The pain of a parent losing their child can be long-lasting, but the current baggage I mentioned, most of it can probably disappear if I just become independent. So I guess, that's one reason for why it would be more detrimental if I ctb?

 

[ikiruNObungaku]

I think they'll have less financial and familial obligations, and they'll have less stress from no longer having to deal with a child that's not up to their standards (I still live with them). But whether the emotional damage and guilt that may result from my early death will be a bigger baggage than the current one, I'm not sure...I rarely feel it cuz of my constant dissociation and emotional numbness, but I know they care and love me, even if they haven't been good overall as a family. The pain of a parent losing their child can be long-lasting, but the current baggage I mentioned, most of it can probably disappear if I just become independent. So I guess, that's one reason for why it would be more detrimental if I ctb?

Your situation sounds similar to my own. Thank you for telling me your thoughts. I suppose I don't understand the extent of how a person is supposed to feel when someone close to them dies via suicide. I figured that, if it is beneficial for them, then the grief would not last long. Knowing it is an apology might be better. But if you say it can be long-lasting, I guess that is something for me to think about. I wonder how I can prevent that.

 

[SoLowHollow48]

Imo, if you do die now, you'll be proving them right and letting them step all over you. Even in death.

I don't find repentance in death. That's bullshit. You repent while you're breathing so you can take actual accountability and do something about it.

When I die, I'm going to die unapologetically because there's nothing to do there anymore. I've repented the most that I can, now it's time to go.

 

[K14~♡]

I figured that, if it is beneficial for them, then the grief would not last long. Knowing it is an apology might be better. But if you say it can be long-lasting, I guess that is something for me to think about. I wonder how I can prevent that.

If your situation is similar and you also have a family that loves and care for you (despite whatever they've done, if there's anything), then I doubt they would think "My child dying have lifted off so much from my shoulders, I don't feel so bad about it anymore" (This is probably not what you've thought about, but just what it seems to imply in my opinion)
There's a chance they'll also feel that it's their fault, if you'll be making a suicide note and say it's a repentance/apology to them. Cuz that means you did it for them

There's ways to lessen it, but I dunno how you can prevent it completely. Unless they don't care much about you at all and have only thought of you as a burden all their life, or simply see you as an individual who has a role of fulfilling their ideals
Though yea, there's a chance they can handle it well and still live on without having grief affect them much

Maybe you can look into experiences of people who have lost a loved one to suicide if you wanna get an idea of how it will be? Even if not every experience is the same.

But take my words with a grain of salt, It's just my thoughts after all