Someone in this forum told me I have to understand that I am not my illness. I have to differentiate that I am not my illlness. That this is only a mental illness and not a part of my self/or personality. (Tbh I am not sure about the intention of that person, he is seemingly no longer part of the forum.) This is something which could also stem from one of my therapists. In therapy they tell this to many patients. But personally I struggle with it. This is just me personal perception and probably an unhealthy thinking pattern...I would not recommend it to anyone.
I really think my mind is hugely influenced by my illnesses. I think I am my illnesses. When I analyze my brain there is so much influence of psychosis, paranoia, depression, mania, obsessive thoughts, anxieties etc. But partly only on a very low level. I am not always extremely paranoid if this is what you think now. Probably anti-choice people could use this observation to pretend that I was not able to make a rational decision about my own death. I find that argument pretty hypocritical and I am tired of it. This is not the main topic in this thread. Just to say some words about it: The fact that I am able to see through my cognitive shifts makes me a rational human being. I am way more aware about my biases than most neurotypicals. The joke is: even if I could convince a psychiatrist that I can make a rational choice they would still not give me the right to die.
But now back to the main topic. I have so many mental issues. My illnesses absolutely determine my own life. I think without these illnesses I would be a completely different person. Though this thought makes me somewhat sad because I could have been so happy without all these traumatas. I think different personality disorders would be fitting for my mental state. But it is probably almost impossible to differentiate what stems from which illness. I just know my mind is pretty damned fucked. I think my mental problems are a huge part of me. These are problems which accompany since I am very young. I think as a child my mental problems had different symptoms. There were signs that I become mentally ill. I think the field of mental illnesses in very young children is pretty interesting. I have not read much about it. Maybe I should do that. But I can clearly say it was obvious that I am in mental pain even as primary schol student. I can clearly say when I was paranoid for the first time in my life. I think with 14. And with 15 my bipolar disorder and suicidality started. This had a huge influence on my development.
My mind is a cage. My obsessions reign over me. It is almost impossible not to act pathologically. So many of my thinking patterns or ways how I behave are pathological. Especially my coping mechanisms. So when I try to ease my mental terror I more or less feed my own illness which is quite absurd. I try to calm it down and surrender to it so that I can have a a little space to breath.
But this is only my own perception of it. And probably not a very healthy one. Maybe you have a different experience. I hope so.
I really think my mind is hugely influenced by my illnesses. I think I am my illnesses. When I analyze my brain there is so much influence of psychosis, paranoia, depression, mania, obsessive thoughts, anxieties etc. But partly only on a very low level. I am not always extremely paranoid if this is what you think now. Probably anti-choice people could use this observation to pretend that I was not able to make a rational decision about my own death. I find that argument pretty hypocritical and I am tired of it. This is not the main topic in this thread. Just to say some words about it: The fact that I am able to see through my cognitive shifts makes me a rational human being. I am way more aware about my biases than most neurotypicals. The joke is: even if I could convince a psychiatrist that I can make a rational choice they would still not give me the right to die.
But now back to the main topic. I have so many mental issues. My illnesses absolutely determine my own life. I think without these illnesses I would be a completely different person. Though this thought makes me somewhat sad because I could have been so happy without all these traumatas. I think different personality disorders would be fitting for my mental state. But it is probably almost impossible to differentiate what stems from which illness. I just know my mind is pretty damned fucked. I think my mental problems are a huge part of me. These are problems which accompany since I am very young. I think as a child my mental problems had different symptoms. There were signs that I become mentally ill. I think the field of mental illnesses in very young children is pretty interesting. I have not read much about it. Maybe I should do that. But I can clearly say it was obvious that I am in mental pain even as primary schol student. I can clearly say when I was paranoid for the first time in my life. I think with 14. And with 15 my bipolar disorder and suicidality started. This had a huge influence on my development.
My mind is a cage. My obsessions reign over me. It is almost impossible not to act pathologically. So many of my thinking patterns or ways how I behave are pathological. Especially my coping mechanisms. So when I try to ease my mental terror I more or less feed my own illness which is quite absurd. I try to calm it down and surrender to it so that I can have a a little space to breath.
But this is only my own perception of it. And probably not a very healthy one. Maybe you have a different experience. I hope so.
