Do you think think your death will have a symbolic function in your life?

[noname223]

Some might say they want to set a statement with their suicide.
I am not here to glorify suicide. And personally I don't think I want to set an example with my potential suicide. I think it is way too risky and some people will eventually misinterpret/misconstrue or instrumentalize my hypothetical suicide. I know that self-immolation is considered a politicial protest under some circumstance but I think it really is not worth it.

I am not sure how my life will end. There are many hypothetical scenarios.

My gut feeling (which could be deceiving) tells me my death could be a staircase wit/irony of history. And not solely due to the fact that I often see patterns in coincidental events. Something people with psychosis are prone to. My theory is: my vegetative nervous system is always in high alert. I have a way too high resting pulse from taking benzos in the past. The resting pulse decreases since I quit college though. I think my anxiety will bite me in the ass one day. I could imagine that I will get a stroke or heart attack. It is common in my family. And when my mental issues lead to somatic issues it is over. Because this will induce an anxiety spiral that I will be unable to escape. I could imagine that when I am older I cannot stop thinking about suicide. But I will be unable to do it. I might cling to hope or I will have no means to act on it. And while my anxiety gets out of control I might turn insane overburdened by my daily life.

Another scenario I consider possible. Eventually I will find the love of my life. Then an accident happens I will die of an heart attack, get ill and lose it all in an heartbeat. I wish my whole life that my fucking life should end. But when I reach old age I will regret never have lived my life to the fullest. At the same time if I lived my life to the fullest I would regret the choices I made. I could imagine if I reach the state of happiness something horrible will happen and end the happiness prematurely. And then when it's too late I would wish to have more time on earth.

All this speculation reminds me of the death of Charlie Kirk. The assassination also had a symbolic function. That he becomes victims of gun violence also was a staircase wit/ irony of history.

In general I think though trying to find patterns in coincidental events can be detrimental. You always have to remind you that it is just a hypothesis. I think my thinking in general is often misguided. I once read one should treat potential thoughts of other people as working hypotheses. I have the tendency of mind-reading and overestimating my confidence of what is going on in someone else. I often construe worst case scenarios while the truth is people are often way more ambivalent, don't think as much as I assume, are not rational, and behave contradictory. I think finding a meaning in death can be comforting on the one side. But in general I think it is better to find meaning in living one's life. In the best possible scenario you find both peace with life and death. Though, I am well-aware that this isn't a voluntary choice and many people on here live under extremely toxic and nightmarish conditions.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Like you say- we can't predict how others will view our (potential) suicide. From my own perception of suicide though- I think it fits with my life well. It's been a long time coming too. 36 years of ideation to date- it was almost an inevitability from very early on.

But- I see suicide as a response/ retaliation to a tragic life. While it's self indulgently pitiful, my life did turn pretty tragic early on. From that perspective, I think it's understandable.

As for the more pro- life inclined who believe we need to fight on, no matter what- I think I did that for long enough. I gave it a reasonable shot I would say.

Suicide also appeals (to me) as a rebellious act. I'm a rebel in my heart. Plus, plenty of creative people kill themselves. I may not be as good/ successful as them but, I probably do have that mentality.

But- sure- I believe my suicide would be symbollic in terms of correcting a mistake my parents made. I don't think they should have brought me here to begin with. It's a way of refusing to comply to being a wage slave anymore. I'm tired of being a part of the system- even though I'm not a hugely successful part. Plus, it's perhaps the greatest act of self expression there is- as I see it. Because it sacrifices all and risks all.

Again- not that I would encourage others to glorify or celebrate suicide- this is purely my own view. It's also a somewhat distorted view I suppose but, I see suicide as performance art to some extent. Not that it even needs to be a traumatic or public event. The very action of removing ourselves from this world ought to be sending out a very strong message that- upwards of 700,000 people worldwide annually (according to statistics) hate this world enough to risk killing themselves to leave it. What can be a more symbollically negative review than killing yourself in order to escape from something?