Discussion Do you think my death will change my parents?

[hexesandcurses]

A big part of why I stay is because I am the oldest of six kids, all under the age of 15. I've grown up taking care of them and still do (I basically play third parent) and the idea of leaving them behind fills me with so much guilt I hesitate. I'm by no means a good sister, definitely not a fun one, but I've done all I can to try and keep heat off of them and give them a taste of normalcy and support when our parents couldn't. Ive become bitter and angry, unable to cope myself with my lack of childhood, so my jealousy makes me act cruel to them from time to time. I know I could have been better, should have been, and my inability to be what they deserve has hurt our relationships forever, but I still think I did better than my parents at least.

I don't think my parents are bad people, but I don't think they're good parents. I gave them a lot of leeway when it came to me because they were teens and I was not an easy child to raise, but what makes it so upsetting is their resistance to change. They all claim to have changed, and in a way they have, but not to a degree they need to be good parents. Both of my fathers are still riding the violent pendulum between emotionless and then overwhelmingly angry (to the point of causing us fear), my biological mother is bipolar and flips between being good and taking her meds then believing they "suppress her true self" and going off the rails, and my stepmother has never healed from her own trauma so now competes with children for affection and attention.

This brings me to my main question of whether or not my death could change them for good?

I've been wondering on if I should include in my suicide notes my feelings towards my parents in the hopes that it wakes them up, or spare them that pain.

It's not their fault that I want to die, but they didn't help make it easier either.

I'm sorry for all the personal dumping lately. The closer I get to having everything in place, the more lonely I feel. I wish things had been different. Sometimes I think that even if my childhood had been slightly better, if my parents had just been warmer and more open to accepting their mistakes, if I hadn't been forced to be a parent rather than a big sister (and feeling like a failure at both), I would want to keep going. But right now the only thing I can really see that can change them is my death.

 

[theboy]

Suicide always changes the lives of those we leave behind.

 

[hexesandcurses]

Suicide always changes the lives of those we leave behind.

This is true. I just hope something good will come from mine.

 

[jodes2]

Don't blame yourself for your struggles raising them, your parents should never have put you in the position of being third parent in the first place.

Unfortunately I don't think your death would change them based on reflection on their parts, but it might force them to become better parents to your siblings

 

[Idiotic]

This is true. I just hope something good will come from mine.

"I just hope something good will come from mine."
Something good meaning your parents will change somehow, or you receive rest? Either way, I think that's what you can get from suicide, a final way to sleep forever without worries. Once you do it, don't bother about what you left behind on Earth, You'll be at peace finally!

 

[hexesandcurses]

Don't blame yourself for your struggles raising them, your parents should never have put you in the position of being third parent in the first place.

Unfortunately I don't think your death would change them based on reflection on their parts, but it might force them to become better parents to your siblings

Thank you for your kind words They really mean a lot to me.

I think you're right. I really hope that's going to be the case. In a weird way, I wish I could stick around to see the outcome or have one of those movie moments where I see an alternate future of what would happen if I do it, if that makes sense. All I can do is hope, though.

"I just hope something good will come from mine."
Something good meaning your parents will change somehow, or you receive rest? Either way, I think that's what you can get from suicide, a final way to sleep forever without worries. Once you do it, don't bother about what you left behind on Earth, You'll be at peace finally!

I mean more so that my parents will change, but some rest would be good as well. And you're completely right. It's not going to matter either way once I'm finally gone.

Thank you for your kindness

 

[Hollowillow]

A big part of why I stay is because I am the oldest of six kids, all under the age of 15. I've grown up taking care of them and still do (I basically play third parent) and the idea of leaving them behind fills me with so much guilt I hesitate. I'm by no means a good sister, definitely not a fun one, but I've done all I can to try and keep heat off of them and give them a taste of normalcy and support when our parents couldn't. Ive become bitter and angry, unable to cope myself with my lack of childhood, so my jealousy makes me act cruel to them from time to time. I know I could have been better, should have been, and my inability to be what they deserve has hurt our relationships forever, but I still think I did better than my parents at least.

I don't think my parents are bad people, but I don't think they're good parents. I gave them a lot of leeway when it came to me because they were teens and I was not an easy child to raise, but what makes it so upsetting is their resistance to change. They all claim to have changed, and in a way they have, but not to a degree they need to be good parents. Both of my fathers are still riding the violent pendulum between emotionless and then overwhelmingly angry (to the point of causing us fear), my biological mother is bipolar and flips between being good and taking her meds then believing they "suppress her true self" and going off the rails, and my stepmother has never healed from her own trauma so now competes with children for affection and attention.

This brings me to my main question of whether or not my death could change them for good?

I've been wondering on if I should include in my suicide notes my feelings towards my parents in the hopes that it wakes them up, or spare them that pain.

It's not their fault that I want to die, but they didn't help make it easier either.

I'm sorry for all the personal dumping lately. The closer I get to having everything in place, the more lonely I feel. I wish things had been different. Sometimes I think that even if my childhood had been slightly better, if my parents had just been warmer and more open to accepting their mistakes, if I hadn't been forced to be a parent rather than a big sister (and feeling like a failure at both), I would want to keep going. But right now the only thing I can really see that can change them is my death.

Can you stop doing their job and just be carefree? Let your siblings wake them up with demands. They are outnumbered 6 vs 2.

I think you should tell them now that their neglect and having to do their job burns you out to death and you need their care before it kills you

Oh id shame them not just in a letter but face to face.
Your dad needs a vasectomy... Like... 6 kids ago. If you kill yourself they lose their best kid and the only good thing they did. Useless jerks. Flee, sweet fluff, you deserve better. Even death's cold embrace is warmer

 

[hexesandcurses]

Can you stop doing their job and just be carefree? Let your siblings wake them up with demands. They are outnumbered 6 vs 2.

I think you should tell them now that their neglect and having to do their job burns you out to death and you need their care before it kills you

Oh id shame them not just in a letter but face to face.
Your dad needs a vasectomy... Like... 6 kids ago. If you kill yourself they lose their best kid and the only good thing they did. Useless jerks. Flee, sweet fluff, you deserve better. Even death's cold embrace is warmer

I really appreciate your kindness and understanding.

Unfortunately, it's not that simple for my siblings and I. I'm not financially independent enough to risk getting kicked out (again) and while I could stop taking care of my siblings, that just leaves nothing between them and my parents and I can't stand by while that happens. I've had talks with them through the years and we even attempted some family therapy sessions but nothing sticks because they truly don't believe they need to change.

I would rather die than have to face homeless or be cut off from my siblings, and I know that's really defeatist of me. I'm just so tired. Thank you so much for trying to help, I'm sorry that I can't muster up any more hope to tell you a better ending. You've got an incredibly kind spirit

 

[anxiety cat]

I'm a parent and probably around the same age as your parents and stepparents. One of my kids is a young adult and probably around your age. Honestly your parents failed you in their expectation that it's your responsibility to care for your siblings. They chose to have six kids. That's their responsibility and not yours. I'm so sorry they did that to you. What they did was wrong and you didnt deserve that. You deserved to have your own life. I don't care what anyone says, it was robbed from you.

You say you weren't an easy child to raise, well they didn't provide you the kind of support you needed. I am betting they throw that in your face because they know deep down they have screwed up in so many ways and don't want to fully admit it. I don't believe for a second that's really true. You basically raised 5 kids as a kid. What the hell do they expect?

Whether you taking your own life will change them for the better is really hard to say. They may get their shit straight and get on the right path or they may use it to further excuse their bad behavior because people will feel sorry for them.

No matter what you decide to do, they need to hear the truth.

I'm so sorry my dear. Sending hugs.

 

[hexesandcurses]

I'm a parent and probably around the same age as your parents and stepparents. One of my kids is a young adult and probably around your age. Honestly your parents failed you in their expectation that it's your responsibility to care for your siblings. They chose to have six kids. That's their responsibility and not yours. I'm so sorry they did that to you. What they did was wrong and you didnt deserve that. You deserved to have your own life. I don't care what anyone says, it was robbed from you.

You say you weren't an easy child to raise, well they didn't provide you the kind of support you needed. I am betting they throw that in your face because they know deep down they have screwed up in so many ways and don't want to fully admit it. I don't believe for a second that's really true. You basically raised 5 kids as a kid. What the hell do they expect?

Whether you taking your own life will change them for the better is really hard to say. They may get their shit straight and get on the right path or they may use it to further excuse their bad behavior because people will feel sorry for them.

No matter what you decide to do, they need to hear the truth.

I'm so sorry my dear. Sending hugs.

I can't even begin to thank you enough for writing this out. It genuinely made me cry. Thank you for sticking up for both me and childhood me. I have to say that I am a little jealous of your own kids that they have you as a parent. I don't open up to most people in real life about these things so to hear that they were wrong and it wasn't my fault was one of most touching things someone has ever said to me. I've spent a long time feeling so guilty about not being a good kid, not being a good sister, thinking I was fooling everyone else besides them into thinking I was a nice person when clearly I wasn't since I couldn't be what my parents or siblings wanted (not their fault). And you're right, I should tell them in some way otherwise they may never know that they need to change.

From the bottom of my heart I hope that you have a wonderful, happy life. I wish I had an adult like you around growing up.

 

[Pluto]

First thing: understand the effects of parentification so you can see what they have done to you.

14 Signs You Were Parentified as a Child

How to heal your "inner child."

www.psychologytoday.com

Second thing: from my experience, nothing changes stubborn parents. Otherwise it would have done so already.

Don't have time to write more right now but at least this is a start. There are ways forward if you are ready to stand up for yourself.

 

[freedompass]

Your death won't transform them into good, responsible parents, no. It doesn't work like that. As I see it you do have options. You aren't forced to continue as you are. You can go 'on strike' and refuse your 'duties' to care for the 5 siblings. You can approach social services or just a mental health professional and explain the situation. You can get the hell out as soon as possible. Hope this doesn't come across cold, I'm not trying to downplay your distress and no one here likes to 'gate keep' suicide but you have a right to a life before you die, imho.

 

[anxiety cat]

I can't even begin to thank you enough for writing this out. It genuinely made me cry. Thank you for sticking up for both me and childhood me. I have to say that I am a little jealous of your own kids that they have you as a parent. I don't open up to most people in real life about these things so to hear that they were wrong and it wasn't my fault was one of most touching things someone has ever said to me. I've spent a long time feeling so guilty about not being a good kid, not being a good sister, thinking I was fooling everyone else besides them into thinking I was a nice person when clearly I wasn't since I couldn't be what my parents or siblings wanted (not their fault). And you're right, I should tell them in some way otherwise they may never know that they need to change.

From the bottom of my heart I hope that you have a wonderful, happy life. I wish I had an adult like you around growing up.

Aw. You just made me cry! You are so sweet.

Anytime you want to talk, feel free to PM me.

Take care my dear

 

[brokensea]

I wish you could escape your situation. Even take out a student loan or get financial assistance in the future and go off to college, make a new life away from them.

I'm not going to lie to you and say your siblings won't be affected. They most likely will be. If someone close to you commits suicide it increases your own chance of suicide. They may feel you didn't want to be around or feel angry and a lot of emotions they may carry for years or forever.

That is not to say you shouldn't do it out of guilt. Sometimes we get depressed and feel worthless and think everyone sees us as worthless and won't care but I think people should read forums written by suicide survivors and the agony they go through to make a clear decision that yes I know I'm causing people pain but I deserve to escape my pain and this is the choice I'm making for myself.

I know some people will not take it well when I die. I have to make the decision that's right for me. I had to realize the brutality of the pain I was going to be causing others to make sure I fully wanted to do this.

I don't want to make a decision to commit suicide just because I'm depressed and not seeing the world clearly or my effects on others I want it to be done with full knowledge and still make that choice.

If there's any way out, running off to college, starting a new life someday, getting a new job, finding a relationship. If any of those things can make you happy they are possible. It can take years to achieve them. It can take longer than you want to. But it is possible to find a lot of times a future or life you're looking for by making it yourself.

If none of those things would ever make you happy or you're in physical pain or for some reason it's impossible to create important reasons to live or be happy, then that's someone's choice. Who wants to live in pain forever? You have to think of yourself too.

Some people are greatly affected by suicide and I've read stories of close family members or one parent who has committed suicide after someone leaves. One man I read about, his child committed suicide. The mother couldn't handle it so she committed suicide too and he was alone with these two suicides. His child and wife gone.

So no you should never have to live if you don't want to but it's dishonest to think everyone will always be happy and fine with you gone. Sadly that's maybe true if you don't know another soul in the world but someone probably will be affected to a lesser or greater extent by it and I think it's ok to be honest about that with yourself and know what you need to do for yourself regardless of that if you come to that decision.

 

[Hollowillow]

I really appreciate your kindness and understanding.

Unfortunately, it's not that simple for my siblings and I. I'm not financially independent enough to risk getting kicked out (again) and while I could stop taking care of my siblings, that just leaves nothing between them and my parents and I can't stand by while that happens. I've had talks with them through the years and we even attempted some family therapy sessions but nothing sticks because they truly don't believe they need to change.

I would rather die than have to face homeless or be cut off from my siblings, and I know that's really defeatist of me. I'm just so tired. Thank you so much for trying to help, I'm sorry that I can't muster up any more hope to tell you a better ending. You've got an incredibly kind spirit

Oh wow thank you. I'm not that kind... I have murderous thoughts... Against mean people. Not you. I wish you could escape...

You can't do it all. Your siblings should help each other and tell the parents...

How dare you kick you out. They took you back as a slave I bet... Missing your work

I wonder... If you just stop helping and let the consequence unfold... Maybe they'd have no choice. We call that an enabler. People helping people avoid the consequences of their bad actions. Like giving money to gamblers, alcohol to alcoholics... Paying the rent of people spending it on drugs... They keep doing it because someone bail them out... Sometimes not helping might be better. You'll be dead, you won't help anymore. The parents will be forced to feed the kids themselves, otherwise the kids will have to gang on the parents for care.

Why don't you pretend you're dead, stop helping, and see what happens?

Maybe your siblings will grow more independent. Maybe you'll finally save energy to find a job so you can move out...

Yeah I wish life was simple. I bet you're exhausted to death... Too exhausted to flee...

Just focus on delf care and if someone make demands tell them you feel sick and to do it or ask the parents? Just lie in bed claiming to be tired. You are.

My sister worked at night to sleep while my mom was there... She did everything to flee her... Sad... She seemed like a hardworking hero so my mom couldn't complain... But she just seeked reasons to escape the house... Even spending days at the park would probably by more relaxing.

Just put your needs first. You deserve a break. And people don't learn when we do their job... People keep telling me that and it pisses me off because I tried everything & can't figure it out. I need someone with skills I don't have.

But your parents aren't even trying. They need to be against the wall and forced to do it. Rest & let all hell break lose. It's too sad if you need to die to rest. Try while alive? You can die after if it doesn't work out.

If they repriach you being sick doing bed rest... They're jerks.

I can't even begin to thank you enough for writing this out. It genuinely made me cry. Thank you for sticking up for both me and childhood me. I have to say that I am a little jealous of your own kids that they have you as a parent. I don't open up to most people in real life about these things so to hear that they were wrong and it wasn't my fault was one of most touching things someone has ever said to me. I've spent a long time feeling so guilty about not being a good kid, not being a good sister, thinking I was fooling everyone else besides them into thinking I was a nice person when clearly I wasn't since I couldn't be what my parents or siblings wanted (not their fault). And you're right, I should tell them in some way otherwise they may never know that they need to change.

From the bottom of my heart I hope that you have a wonderful, happy life. I wish I had an adult like you around growing up.

Oh yeah, I second that. There is NO WAY that someone as devoted as you was hard to raise. You raised yourself, your useless childish parents, and 5 kids. They all took advantage of you and it had to stop. Say no. At this point you can't do anything that will make you be a bad kid or sister. You could have a nervous breakdown, throw things, scream, and after how they put all their pressure and burdens on you... Exploding like a bomb is reasonable. Yet, here you are, willing to implode & die quietly, feeling guilty.

They stabbed you and you say sorry!

Claim back your childhood. I bet you have siblings who are as old as you were when you started acting like a mom. It's their turn! Let them learn to fly. Don't worry, they can get their own juice, teach them to cook then let them.

You have the urge to care because you're kind. Time to be kind to YOU!

I'm pro death. But live for yourself a little before you go.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm not sure about the question, I think that it would be impossible to know how people would really react after we die as we simply won't be there at that point, but of course notes might give them some understanding if there is some sort of explanation included. It sounds like you have suffered a lot and it must be really tiring what you have to endure. I wish you freedom.

 

[hexesandcurses]

Your death won't transform them into good, responsible parents, no. It doesn't work like that. As I see it you do have options. You aren't forced to continue as you are. You can go 'on strike' and refuse your 'duties' to care for the 5 siblings. You can approach social services or just a mental health professional and explain the situation. You can get the hell out as soon as possible. Hope this doesn't come across cold, I'm not trying to downplay your distress and no one here likes to 'gate keep' suicide but you have a right to a life before you die, imho.

Thank you so much! I don't think you came across cold at all and I find it very heart warming that you want me to be able to get to actually live a life. I'm definitely considering my options right now and really appreciate all your kind words and advice!

First thing: understand the effects of parentification so you can see what they have done to you.

14 Signs You Were Parentified as a Child

How to heal your "inner child."

www.psychologytoday.com

Second thing: from my experience, nothing changes stubborn parents. Otherwise it would have done so already.

Don't have time to write more right now but at least this is a start. There are ways forward if you are ready to stand up for yourself.

Thank you so much for sending me this so I can better understand my situation and help me try to get out! The outpouring of help I've received from kind strangers like you literally brings me to tears. That fact that you took any time at all to help me is worth so much to my heart

 

[locked*n*loaded]

None of us can control how others react to events or situations, whether brought on by us, or others. Who's to say how your ctb it will affect them? How it does, if it does, is out of your control. I'm sure I'm older than you, and one thing I've learned in my life is that it's difficult for a leopard to change its spots.

 

[hexesandcurses]

I wish you could escape your situation. Even take out a student loan or get financial assistance in the future and go off to college, make a new life away from them.

I'm not going to lie to you and say your siblings won't be affected. They most likely will be. If someone close to you commits suicide it increases your own chance of suicide. They may feel you didn't want to be around or feel angry and a lot of emotions they may carry for years or forever.

That is not to say you shouldn't do it out of guilt. Sometimes we get depressed and feel worthless and think everyone sees us as worthless and won't care but I think people should read forums written by suicide survivors and the agony they go through to make a clear decision that yes I know I'm causing people pain but I deserve to escape my pain and this is the choice I'm making for myself.

I know some people will not take it well when I die. I have to make the decision that's right for me. I had to realize the brutality of the pain I was going to be causing others to make sure I fully wanted to do this.

I don't want to make a decision to commit suicide just because I'm depressed and not seeing the world clearly or my effects on others I want it to be done with full knowledge and still make that choice.

If there's any way out, running off to college, starting a new life someday, getting a new job, finding a relationship. If any of those things can make you happy they are possible. It can take years to achieve them. It can take longer than you want to. But it is possible to find a lot of times a future or life you're looking for by making it yourself.

If none of those things would ever make you happy or you're in physical pain or for some reason it's impossible to create important reasons to live or be happy, then that's someone's choice. Who wants to live in pain forever? You have to think of yourself too.

Some people are greatly affected by suicide and I've read stories of close family members or one parent who has committed suicide after someone leaves. One man I read about, his child committed suicide. The mother couldn't handle it so she committed suicide too and he was alone with these two suicides. His child and wife gone.

So no you should never have to live if you don't want to but it's dishonest to think everyone will always be happy and fine with you gone. Sadly that's maybe true if you don't know another soul in the world but someone probably will be affected to a lesser or greater extent by it and I think it's ok to be honest about that with yourself and know what you need to do for yourself regardless of that if you come to that decision.

Thank you so much for opening up to me and being honest with me about this, I know I've been saying this a lot but I really do appreciate it so much. It's a very bittersweet thing to remember that I do have people that love me and would be devastated if I go through with ctb. I appreciate that even though you were candid about how they might feel, you also gave validation to my own emotions and that I shouldn't be kept here by guilt.

Your point about making ctb out of a clear decision rather than a depressed state of mind has given me a lot to think about in regards to my own decision. I hope you find peace someday

Oh wow thank you. I'm not that kind... I have murderous thoughts... Against mean people. Not you. I wish you could escape...

You can't do it all. Your siblings should help each other and tell the parents...

How dare you kick you out. They took you back as a slave I bet... Missing your work

I wonder... If you just stop helping and let the consequence unfold... Maybe they'd have no choice. We call that an enabler. People helping people avoid the consequences of their bad actions. Like giving money to gamblers, alcohol to alcoholics... Paying the rent of people spending it on drugs... They keep doing it because someone bail them out... Sometimes not helping might be better. You'll be dead, you won't help anymore. The parents will be forced to feed the kids themselves, otherwise the kids will have to gang on the parents for care.

Why don't you pretend you're dead, stop helping, and see what happens?

Maybe your siblings will grow more independent. Maybe you'll finally save energy to find a job so you can move out...

Yeah I wish life was simple. I bet you're exhausted to death... Too exhausted to flee...

Just focus on delf care and if someone make demands tell them you feel sick and to do it or ask the parents? Just lie in bed claiming to be tired. You are.

My sister worked at night to sleep while my mom was there... She did everything to flee her... Sad... She seemed like a hardworking hero so my mom couldn't complain... But she just seeked reasons to escape the house... Even spending days at the park would probably by more relaxing.

Just put your needs first. You deserve a break. And people don't learn when we do their job... People keep telling me that and it pisses me off because I tried everything & can't figure it out. I need someone with skills I don't have.

But your parents aren't even trying. They need to be against the wall and forced to do it. Rest & let all hell break lose. It's too sad if you need to die to rest. Try while alive? You can die after if it doesn't work out.

If they repriach you being sick doing bed rest... They're jerks.

Oh yeah, I second that. There is NO WAY that someone as devoted as you was hard to raise. You raised yourself, your useless childish parents, and 5 kids. They all took advantage of you and it had to stop. Say no. At this point you can't do anything that will make you be a bad kid or sister. You could have a nervous breakdown, throw things, scream, and after how they put all their pressure and burdens on you... Exploding like a bomb is reasonable. Yet, here you are, willing to implode & die quietly, feeling guilty.

They stabbed you and you say sorry!

Claim back your childhood. I bet you have siblings who are as old as you were when you started acting like a mom. It's their turn! Let them learn to fly. Don't worry, they can get their own juice, teach them to cook then let them.

You have the urge to care because you're kind. Time to be kind to YOU!

I'm pro death. But live for yourself a little before you go.

I definitely stand by what I said earlier about being a kind spirit, especially after reading this. You gave me some validation today that I haven't had probably ever and gave back a lot of my confidence. I cannot explain how happy it makes me to know that people believe, even after everything, I deserve to be upset and that I should get to have a life of my own. Those seem like such simple and true ideas but I really have spent so long thinking all I'm good at is causing misery.

After everyone's kindness and hopes for me, I've been reconsidering if now is my time. At the very least, I think I can try out life as my own person before I make a decision of its it's not worth it.

I really hope I can come back here soon and give you so good news. I'm so grateful to you and everyone else here and I hope that you find lots of peace and joy in your life

 

[brokensea]

Thank you so much for opening up to me and being honest with me about this, I know I've been saying this a lot but I really do appreciate it so much. It's a very bittersweet thing to remember that I do have people that love me and would be devastated if I go through with ctb. I appreciate that even though you were candid about how they might feel, you also gave validation to my own emotions and that I shouldn't be kept here by guilt.

Your point about making ctb out of a clear decision rather than a depressed state of mind has given me a lot to think about in regards to my own decision. I hope you find peace someday

I definitely stand by what I said earlier about being a kind spirit, especially after reading this. You gave me some validation today that I haven't had probably ever and gave back a lot of my confidence. I cannot explain how happy it makes me to know that people believe, even after everything, I deserve to be upset and that I should get to have a life of my own. Those seem like such simple and true ideas but I really have spent so long thinking all I'm good at is causing misery.

After everyone's kindness and hopes for me, I've been reconsidering if now is my time. At the very least, I think I can try out life as my own person before I make a decision of its it's not worth it.

I really hope I can come back here soon and give you so good news. I'm so grateful to you and everyone else here and I hope that you find lots of peace and joy in your life

I am so happy to hear this and it's so so absolutely unfair and unimaginable what you're going through. What you've dealt with for years. I've had really hard times and sometimes just telling myself it won't always be this way. That you can get a loan or financial assistance and run off to college, find something you want to you to do and you won't be living this life every day helps. Try to think of the life you want to have. Having friends, living alone or with others. Having a partner. Having freedom away from all of this someday. Just try to imagine another life you can make for yourself. Your parents have taken away your choices and your power but you have so much more power than you know. Once you're an adult you can just go down to the local college even ask what scholarships they have and even if you wrote about your story it would be something they'd really be interested in giving you a scholarship for. College isn't for everyone but it's one of the few places you can go to get room and board and take out student loans if you have to just to get away. You can go to school for anything you want. Your siblings will be inspired by you. You can show them life can be different. There are other ways to escape but most jobs won't pay for you to live on your own if they're entry level but something like that could and you can get a better job with an education to live on your own. Just keep focusing on your future another future and another life. That what you're going through is temporary. You seem like such a sweet and lovely person. Always be careful going out in the world and learn boundaries as soon as you can. Give yourself time to get to know people out there to make sure they have good intentions. It's so great that you came on here for support. I know your siblings love you and whatever your parents are doing is not your fault. You've gotten a very bad hand in life and deserve the freedom to live and enjoy life. To make the rest of your life the way you want it without such tremendous burdens. Life will never be perfect but it can be a lot better than it is for you now and you will have leaned such a deep compassion and strength from your experiences. Depression can be like being in a tunnel and you can't see outside of it but people love you and people you haven't even met yet will love you. You matter and if having a better life someday can make you happy than you can live if you want and work towards that life. Suicide is always an option but I am really proud of you for giving yourself a chance to try and see what happens first because you certainly deserve it. More than deserve it. They also may have counseling services that can help as well. You've dealt with so much and need much more support than you have been getting.

 

[Pluto]

Thank you so much for sending me this so I can better understand my situation and help me try to get out!

You're more than welcome. In fact, your story has been touching for me. I was not parentified per se, but some of what I've experienced is similar because my family consisted of energy vampires who made me feel like I don't matter at all. It means a lot to be able to give you the support that I never had when I was your age.

If you do decide to give recovery a shot, I've done a bit of searching. There are some support groups for this situation. There is a Facebook group that may be worth a look, and also a Reddit:

r/Parentification

r/Parentification: A place for parentified people to tell their stories Parentification is when the child takes on the role of being their own …

www.reddit.com

The main purpose for this type of support is:
1) to see that you are not alone in going through this,
2) to repeatedly challenge the brainwashing which has made you feel you have to be a martyr for the family, and
3) to gain practical advice on steps you can take to detach from caretaking roles and focus on your own independence, health, fitness, financial management and - heaven forbid - learn to have fun! It is likely that you will need to prioritise a new living arrangement with other people of your age when possible. It should be an exciting journey of healing and self-discovery.

The big life lesson is that self-care has to come first. The 'aircraft oxygen mask' analogy is a good one to remember. Feel free to PM me if you ever want a chat or any advice. Whatever you decide and however things pan out, you're never alone.

 

[SuzeWantsOut]

Thank you so much! I don't think you came across cold at all and I find it very heart warming that you want me to be able to get to actually live a life. I'm definitely considering my options right now and really appreciate all your kind words and advice!

Thank you so much for sending me this so I can better understand my situation and help me try to get out! The outpouring of help I've received from kind strangers like you literally brings me to tears. That fact that you took any time at all to help me is worth so much to my heart

This is my first post here. I definitely understand oh so well the "toxic positivity" that is mentioned elsewhere on this site. I hate it as much as others here do.

But in your case, there is real possibility for some positive change, real change that will give you at least the opportunity to try to have a real life, a decent life.

I have children older than you, which means, of course, I am much older than you are. I know what parentification is, and you are definitely being parentified. I would second the notion that you look into that more (I personally do not think that the linked article adequately addressed the pressure on parentified children or the very nasty consequences, but it at least opened the door for you to look into this.

You ave being neglected, big time. You are still a child, and yet because of the selfish decisions, made daily, by the people who chose to bring you i not this world, you are suffering terribly. That's their fault, and it will always be their fault.

Would they change into decent parents if you were to take your life? NO, no, and NO. They don't oope well at all with normal every day life now; they will only become worse if you end your life. That's not your fault. That's also their fault. I think it is very very important, however, that you understand with no ambiguity, that sacrificing your life in the hopes that they will become better parents will never happen. More likely is that their refusal and inability to cope with everyday life will become worse. That's their fault, and it's not something you should even be pondering. Forget them for now.

I'm so glad to read in his thread that you are at least thinking of other options.

My teenage years were filled with abuse and neglect and a horribly dysfunctional family life that set me up for a lifetime of crippling depressions, anxiety, and the whole gamut that brought me to this forum. There was no one, not one single person anywhere, who ever said to me, "You deserve better, and you can access that better." None.

I read Reddit from time to time and a few years ago I was blown away by a question posed on one of their subs to the entire membership reading that particular sub. Here's the question:

"If you could go back in time and talk to your fifteen-year-old self, what would you tell that person?"

Wow. That blew my mind, and I still think about it today, it was that mind blowing for me.

If I could say only one sentence (which was not part of the question), the most important thing I would tell my fifteen-year-old self is this:

YOU ARE RIGHT: they are wrong.

The rest of it would go something like this:

You are right. They're wrong. They've always been wrong. You're not crazy or bad for hating them, for hating your life. You are RIGHT. They really suck, just as you know deep down inside. You keep turning away from that voice because they have taught you that stocking up for yourself will only get you punished. They are wrong in every way, including morally wrong . And here's what you can do: forget hoping that they will one day wake up and love you and be sorry for what they've done. Don't think about them. They're miserable and will never change. Think only about yourself. No, that is NOT selfish, despite what they've told you. Try to put behind you how your mother sabotaged your academic success. Go to a guidance counselor and tell them you need help to get your grades back up. And then stick with it. Forget trying to find love among your peers. They are as clueless as you are and finding a boyfriend to love you will do nothing to make your future good. Make your future your goal, and to make that happen in a good way, your answer lies in using your academic talents to get into college, where you will finally be away from all of those hateful people at home. Study hard, find out what interests you, not someone else, but you, and then study that. You have talents. You have a right to a good life. You have a right to live for yourself and it is possible that you can escape this hell hole and make a life that will not include these disordered, disease people. YOU ARE RIGHT. Listen to that voice inside. YOU ARE RIGHT.

***********

And you are right too, HexesAndCurses. You have been dealt an unfair hand by a bunch of incompetent, selifsh very wrong-headed people who are all too happy to exploit you and make you do their work. YOU ARE RIGHT about them. THEY ARE WRONG.

I second the advice of the person up-stream who asked you to consider that you might actually have a chance at having a decent life f you can hang on and get away when the time is right, get an education that will enhance your ability to earn a decent living so that you will never need anyone else to provide for you.

YOU ARE RIGHT about them. Every time you have a thought that you are going to end your life to escape the hell they have created, you are right about them. Your feelings are an indictment of the people who were supposed to nurture and care for you. They have failed you completely. There is at least a glimmer of hope for you. YOU ARE RIGHT. They stink as parents and as human beings.

Please think about yourself in a different light. Every time you reach the conclusion that you need to end your life to escape their wrongs, it is a result of their failures, not yours. YOU ARE RIGHT. Not them. Be selfish. Think only about what is going to serve you well to get out of there and build the life you deserve. There are people whose job it is to help you--guidance counselors, maybe; social workers, maybe. Don't stop until you find someone who will help you form a plan to get out alive and then create the lie you were born deserving.

YOU ARE RIGHT.

 

[Lifeaballache]

This reminds me of the episode of supernanny when the parents left the eldest son to look after his siblings (about 5 of them) while the parents would go out. He was stressed to fuck.