NSFW Do you think it is true that many lonely men actually don't crave for sexual adventures and instead only want to be loved/getting true affection?

[noname223]

I think I read a joke a long time ago in this forum.
It was like: Women try to be very attractive and want to prove their crush that they could fulfil him all the secret sexual desires he ever envisioned. That with her everything and more was possible. (The wording was completely different but it is the best I can deliver.)

Secretly men (I think especially older men were refered to) cry under their shower and only want to find someone who truely loves them and they crave to be hugged and experience real affection.

I am in my mid-twenties. So maybe I was not refered to. I feel extremely lonely. And I crave for a partner. But my sexual desire is not really the main reaon I want a partner. Similar to my best friend who eventually found true love.

I wish someone would hug me. Sometimes I hug with my friends but this is not the same. I don't like to hug my mom. Since her physical abuse of me I can't stand when she touches me. But as a kid I loved to hug and cuddle with her. I miss intimacy not necessarily sexual.

Of course sexual intercourse would be interesting. But my main reason for wanting a partner is being loved. Sending messages to each other. Hugging each other and physical contact. I miss so much just to feel another person.

So what do you think are men often depicted as being solely libido driven? I think it depends on the individual. And there certainly are a lot of fuck boys in my age. I think sex with a stranger could feel very lonely. And I am not the kind of guy for that. I would have too much trust issues being so vulnerable towards a stranger. But all these thoughts are useless I will stay forever lonely and kill myself eventually.

 

[F@#$]

I know it's true.

 

[VidFlumina]

Unfortunately I think you're in the minority. In my opinion, if most men truly craved love and getting affection more than sex then red pill, PUA community that came up with various techniques on how to manipulate a woman so that she let you sleep with her (I even read one that used retraumatization wtf), Andrew Tate, other sexist podcasters and youtubers, violent porn wouldn't be so popular. Numbers don't lie lol

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Why can't a guy want both?

 

[Heavenly Pup]

Unfortunately I think you're in the minority. In my opinion, if most men truly craved love and getting affection more than sex then red pill, PUA community that came up with various techniques on how to manipulate a woman so that she let you sleep with her (I even read one that used retraumatization wtf), Andrew Tate, other sexist podcasters and youtubers, violent porn wouldn't be so popular. Numbers don't lie lol

Premise: The manosphere exists (in which the majority of men in society don't participate, and those that do have varying reasons for doing so).
Conclusion: The majority of men simply crave sex more than love and affection.

Availability bias.

 

[funeraleveryday]

No

 

[VidFlumina]

Premise: The manosphere exists (in which the majority of men in society don't participate, and those that do have varying reasons for doing so).
Conclusion: The majority of men simply crave sex more than love and affection.

Availability bias.

It seems like you are using bias to dismiss my opinion. I never said that my comment is a fact, I even said in the beginning of the second sentence "in my opinion". I think bringing out biases makes a conversation more dry, since most opinions probably have some kind of bias, unless it is based on a conclusion from a scientific study with many participants. For example someone expressed their views that are based on a traumatic experience and someone else said that it's an experience bias - yeah it might be but does it matter? It shouldn't immediately invalidate the discussion.

"in which the majority of men in society don't participate" It's hard to say for sure, manosphere has a lot of content that is increasing everyday and a lot of it has views in millions. We both have our assumptions.

"and those that do have varying reasons for doing so" - and what could those reasons be? I think the reasons surely aren't because they want love and affection from a woman - why is it so misogynistic, anti-woman then?

I don't think OP wanted from us a whole sociological analysis here anyway, but only our opinions.

 

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

To be honest yes. Most men that are lonely I've seen really crave a partner and love but the sex comes later.

 

[greebo6]

Generally speaking....yes, very true.

 

[Valky]

As a girl, absolutely. Even younger people. I notice that in my relationships. :)
Wanting sex can also just mean that that person is craving close intimac,nothing wrong with that!!

 

[heroinhero]

Both. Its usually one more than the other but they're both forms of intimacy that are necessary for humans. I know that incel communities don't really prioritize sex, otherwise they would get a hooker. They value romantic relationships but tend to focus on sex.
And i think sex counts as a form of intimacy and bonding between humans, and is something that our bodies are hardwired to desire and obtain.

 

[migimortis]

Yes. If I really craved sex I'd pay for it. I don't care for it. Having a best friend would be nice.

 

[Shrike]

I think men are primarily status driven. Whether that is expressed via wanting to fuck things or have partner relations is beside the point, the root motivation is corrupt.

I've met a guy recently, it was impossible to keep him off the subject of having a girlfriend. Every other thing he mentioned he'd come back to that. Talked about how he didn't have a girlfriend for many years. How his ex-girlfriend was with someone else. He'd say things like girls don't like guys with this kind of job, or girls don't like guys without enough money. He'd bring up some hobbies he seemed fairly accomplished in, but then he'd say "but that didn't get me any girlfriends, girls don't like guys who are into that stuff."

 

[Slow_Farewell]

Interesting discussion.
My take is it depends on age, and previous experience.
The older you get, the less value physical intimacy carries weight. it's still there, mind you, its just not as heavy as compared to when I was younger.
The physical intimacy you've already experienced also comes into play: if you're not satisfied with what you're getting (even with different partners throughout a specific time), then you'd resign yourself to thinking "ah, sex sucks", and you'd tend to balance it out somewhere else.

 

[Final_Choice]

Yeah, but I think the group that desires more sex than intimacy is the loud minority which makes it seem like a majority. If you craved intimacy more than sex you wouldn't be doing what the other group is doing (living fast-paced sex-filled lives, making strategies to pick up people to sleep with them, hyping it up and showing it off, etc.) you would just live your life and the relation of more intimacy compared to sex would not actually be seen as that compared to those who prefer sex over intimacy. Also, irl I've seen lots and lots of people who prefer genuine connections and only a handful which prefer the opposite though on the internet I see the opposite (since no one would actually bother showing off how they prefer intimacy compared to sex).

 

[sserafim]

I'm a girl so I wouldn't know lol

 

[dragonofenvy]

Men want intimacy and love more than sex, it's just that many of them don't know how to be intimate other than using sex as the path towards it. It's what happens when you're expected to keep all of your emotions to yourself and never express them. So you use the physical act and think "this is what intimacy is." I wouldn't know for sure since I have no experience with relationships. I think most men would rather have lots of close friends than one person they have sex with sometimes. Idk, maybe that's just me projecting.

 

[DarkThoughts]

This is my opinion. I haven't received a hug (that I wanted) since I was 8 probably. I just crave for someone to hold me and ask me how my day went. Never known how that felt, and I never will.

 

[R_N]

Deprived men? Kinda. But I feel successful men will always take what they can including sex with different women.

If you have ways to satisfy multiple needs you go and get it, as long as consequences don't matter or exist.

That is how I see it as harsh as it may seem.

 

[executioner1983]

In my experience, no. Men act like they'll die without sex. If only that were true…

Okay maybe I'm being too harsh. I also partly believe it's not fully their fault. I think culture plays a big part in programming young boys into placing sex on a pedastool above everything else.

 

[SexyIncél]

Men act like they'll die without sex. If only that were true…

Hmm, guys just act that way to gals who bring nothing to the table but their bodies...

Maybe an analogy can help. Women are similarly crazy for men's time/attention — our most limited resource. Like an Apple consumer, they're often very entitled & demanding. But unlike one, they did zero to earn it. Nor pretend they'll do something mind-blowing with it

And they complain about our interest in erotic touch! Like trying to haggle at the Apple store for an iPad discount

Redpilled guys are different. They accumulate high value. To take home iPads in every color

And you know how some guys just climb on top & hump away? The female equivalent is mundanity-spamming: "Blah blah .... that BITCH barista gave me a LOOK ... ok Ted's a capricorn so ... blah blah". Waiting for you to pause, so she can continue talking

But there's simple win-win solutions. Like maybe a handjob to ease the ordeal? I'm not being misogynous, because men do similar. When talking for hours on whatsapp voice, sometimes we practice the art of helping gals cum, with our words

 

[SexyIncél]

Hmm, guys just act that way to gals who bring nothing to the table but their bodies...

btw I'm just being sarcastic. At the usual mean-girl putdowns of men's desire for erotic touch

Obviously I sympathize with decent gals who can't find someone to care about them. Regardless of what they "bring to the table", whatever that means. Not to mention people who can hardly afford food, much less luxury goods like some dumb iPad

 

[dragonofenvy]

Regardless of what they "bring to the table", whatever that means.

I've never understood the "bring to the table" idea. My logic behind a relationship is that you're trying to build a life together, not something to give and take from. It's a combined effort. Almost like building a house together, rather than taking parts of someone else's house and giving them some of your house (weird analogy but it's the best I could come up with). As long as everyone involved is happy and feels that they're in a good place I don't see the problem, and if you both are contributing to the house together it will eventually be built, rather than it always being half-built since you keep giving and taking. Happiness should be what you get out of it overall, not just finances, intimacy, etc. though that does help. I don't care what men and women are supposed to contribute, why can it not be a mutual agreement between the individuals?

 

[Kino_]

It depends on whether you're talking about lonely men, or men in general, since your post doesn't seem to clarify.

This is anectodal, but most guys I've talked with more so crave sex rather than affection. In terms of specifically lonely men, it depends on how you're categorising a man as being lonely or not. If someone is truly lonely, having no relationships/meaningful connections with anybody, then I'm more inclined to believe that they are craving affection rather than sex. But take that with a grain of salt since incels exist and a large part in why some of them may be lonely is because they're an incel. If you categorize a man being lonely because they're not in a romantic relationship, then I'm inclined to believe that they are more so craving sex/sexual acts rather than affection.

 

[dragonofenvy]

I have a new answer: They want both.

 

[Linda]

I think I read a joke a long time ago in this forum.
It was like: Women try to be very attractive and want to prove their crush that they could fulfil him all the secret sexual desires he ever envisioned. That with her everything and more was possible. (The wording was completely different but it is the best I can deliver.)

Secretly men (I think especially older men were refered to) cry under their shower and only want to find someone who truely loves them and they crave to be hugged and experience real affection.

I am in my mid-twenties. So maybe I was not refered to. I feel extremely lonely. And I crave for a partner. But my sexual desire is not really the main reaon I want a partner. Similar to my best friend who eventually found true love.

I wish someone would hug me. Sometimes I hug with my friends but this is not the same. I don't like to hug my mom. Since her physical abuse of me I can't stand when she touches me. But as a kid I loved to hug and cuddle with her. I miss intimacy not necessarily sexual.

Of course sexual intercourse would be interesting. But my main reason for wanting a partner is being loved. Sending messages to each other. Hugging each other and physical contact. I miss so much just to feel another person.

So what do you think are men often depicted as being solely libido driven? I think it depends on the individual. And there certainly are a lot of fuck boys in my age. I think sex with a stranger could feel very lonely. And I am not the kind of guy for that. I would have too much trust issues being so vulnerable towards a stranger. But all these thoughts are useless I will stay forever lonely and kill myself eventually.

People are so varied that it's hard to generalise. I think that most men, at least when they are thinking long term, want to find someone who loves them. But when they are thinking short term - which they often are - they may be more concerned with just getting sex. That's not necessarily a bad thing. What begins as a one night stand can sometimes turn into a lifelong relationship. That's basically what happened with the man who is now my husband. We have been together for over 40 years.

For the most part, sex with someone you know well tends to be better and more satisfying than sex with a stranger. But, again, you can't generalise. Sex with someone you will never see again can sometimes turn out to be a surprisingly fulfilling experience. It doesn't happen often but it does happen. (I had a sufficiently "lively" time when I was young, to know what I am talking about.)

I think your best strategy is just to get out and meet people. If you like a girl, and if she likes you and is willing, go to bed with her. That may lead somewhere or it may not. Don't over-think this. Just get on with life.

 

[SexyIncél]

I've never understood the "bring to the table" idea.

Yeah, I just got it from Fresh&Fit. Their female guests often demand tons from guys & offer little in return other than "I have great vibes"

I mean, when a woman describes men with contempt, it's natural to ask what makes her valuable in return. What if I had an attitude regarding how relatively time-intensive gals are? No, I unconsciously try to figure out what they enjoy doing & discussing, and show that aspect of myself. If they're respectful, I want them to enjoy our time together, in whatever crazy way we enjoy

Sure, guys are often in heat. We're born with a rather greater enjoyment/desire/urge for erotic touch. Oops, how terrible & un-Christian we are

Now, If a gal wants to secure a satisfying long-term commitment or something — not players & fuckboys — sure we can help her with that!

I think that most men, at least when they are thinking long term, want to find someone who loves them. But when they are thinking short term - which they often are - they may be more concerned with just getting sex.

Yeah, and I'd say many guys have 2 buckets: "hoes" vs "someone to love"

Men often present gals an unfortunate puzzle: they want gals to sexually desire them — but are romantically repulsed by gals who've sexually desired lots of guys. Tricky for gals to navigate. May force them to decide early, which bucket they're in

I have a new answer: They want both.

I think you're right

 

[Linda]

Yeah, I just got it from Fresh&Fit. Their female guests often demand tons from guys & offer little in return other than "I have great vibes"

I mean, when a woman describes men with contempt, it's natural to ask what makes her valuable in return. What if I had an attitude regarding how relatively time-intensive gals are? No, I unconsciously try to figure out what they enjoy doing & discussing, and show that aspect of myself. If they're respectful, I want them to enjoy our time together, in whatever crazy way we enjoy

Sure, guys are often in heat. We're born with a rather greater enjoyment/desire/urge for erotic touch. Oops, how terrible & un-Christian we are

Now, If a gal wants to secure a satisfying long-term commitment or something — not players & fuckboys — sure we can help her with that!


Yeah, and I'd say many guys have 2 buckets: "hoes" vs "someone to love"

Men often present gals an unfortunate puzzle: they want gals to sexually desire them — but are romantically repulsed by gals who've sexually desired lots of guys. Tricky for gals to navigate. May force them to decide early, which bucket they're in


I think you're right

A man who is "romantically repulsed by gals who've sexually desired lots of guys" is immature.

 

[RemainingDubious]

Secretly men (I think especially older men were refered to) cry under their shower and only want to find someone who truely loves them and they crave to be hugged and experience real affection.

Secretly? i think i've only cried in the shower once or twice. They'd be nothing secret about it neither. If i feel something. i feel something. i couldn't care less what others thought about it. If someone thought less of me for having feelings i'd think less of them for not having feelings

I am in my mid-twenties. So maybe I was not refered to. I feel extremely lonely. And I crave for a partner. But my sexual desire is not really the main reaon I want a partner.

You can still feel lonely with a partner. There's been times i've settled (i didn't realise at the time.) and been in long term relationshits (no typo) even lived with them and i felt more lonely that i had on my own.

I miss intimacy not necessarily sexual.

Of course sexual intercourse would be interesting. But my main reason for wanting a partner is being loved.

Having a partner doesn't mean you'll be loved. Most people don't really know what love is so they're unable to love. Most people have ulterior motives. They want a partner for selfish reasons. Of course these type of relationshits don't last. How could they when the foundation it was built upon was so weak.

Sending messages to each other. Hugging each other and physical contact. I miss so much just to feel another person.

You don't need a partner for that.

So what do you think are men often depicted as being solely libido driven? I think it depends on the individual. And there certainly are a lot of fuck boys in my age.

Most males are. i completely understand why Women often assume all "men" are the same. Unless they've known a real Man they have no real point of reference to understand that the males they've encountered are childish boys who haven't grew up. Age doesn't define maturity.

There's a lot of fuck boys at every age.

I will stay forever lonely and kill myself eventually.

i don't mean any offence saying this so sorry if I've misunderstood and/or i sound harsh. It sounds like you wouldn't kill yourself if you had a partner? If that's the case why not join dating sites or something?

i'm going to be brutally honest here, it sounds like you're not being brutally honest with yourself

It sounds like loneliness isn't the issue, being desperate for a partner is, since:

Sometimes I hug with my friends but this is not the same.

You clearly have a friend you're close enough to hug.

I miss intimacy not necessarily sexual.

You've stated you have that, yet that isn't good enough for you.

Sending messages to each other. Hugging each other and physical contact. I miss so much just to feel another person.

As for sending messages you can do that with almost anyone. As for the rest, again
you've already stated you have that, yet that isn't good enough for you.

I will stay forever lonely

That's a choice only you can make. You've stated you have someone in your life you're close to. You don't need to be lonely.

You don't need to tell me or anyone the answer but it might be worth asking yourself: "Are you actually being completely honest with yourself?" since:

they could fulfil him all the secret sexual desires he ever envisioned. That with her everything and more was possible.

my sexual desire is not really the main reaon I want a partner.

I miss intimacy not necessarily sexual.

Of course sexual intercourse would be interesting.

So what do you think are men often depicted as being solely libido driven?

there certainly are a lot of fuck boys in my age.

For someone who's not that interested in sex you sure bring it up a lot. Again you don't need to tell me or anyone one else but maybe ask yourself: "Are you sexually frustrated?" "Is being in denial your real issue?"
since sex is the only thing lacking from what you have already

Finally:

I think sex with a stranger could feel very lonely. And I am not the kind of guy for that.

Why give it enough thought to form an opinion on how you assume it would feel if your not that kind of guy for that?

i assume the majority of straight men would agree with me here:

i'm straight so i'm not the kind of guy for gay sex. it's that simple.
i haven't then imagined what it would be like to have a cock up my arse. Why would i since i'm not the kind of guy for that? Period.

 

[Linda]

"You can still feel lonely with a partner. " That is certainly true. But if it happens (or, at least, if it happens a lot) the relationship is going nowhere, will probably end evntually, and you should consider bailing out now.