Do you swing between being selfish/self centered and caring too much for others?

[gonegirl1]

Maybe I'm just worrying too much thinking about these things, but I would like to hear what yall guys think of this.

what do you think is the "perfect" balance between being selfish and caring for other people? Or how do you find that balance?

I understand that both are coping mechanisms and been through "phases" of both, where I isolate myself and focus too much on my pain or where I try too hard to help others like my life depends on that. But none of these feel natural to me, im always trying too hard, maybe because of mental illness.

 

[Enlighten]

You should care for other people whenever you can, but at the end of the day: Always put yourself first. Most people will return the favour when you do stuff for them, but some won't. It's a tough world and you should be your own #1 priority.

 

[livinginsorrow]

this is a super good question! i definitely don't know the "right" answer. but i think it's always okay to care about people and be there for them when you can be, but as soon as you feel yourself drowning or need to take time to yourself then it's okay to be selfish and drown out the world. i feel strung out often because i don't give enough time to myself and try to be there for everybody. i suppose it's just about balancing and knowing yourself well enough to know when you need a break? sending love

 

[tiger b]

Balance?

Oh. Now someone tells me

Great thread idea.

 

[outrider567]

Since my girlfriend lost her life, I care little about others anymore, and care even less about myself

 

[livinginsorrow]

Since my girlfriend lost her life, I care little about others anymore, and care even less about myself

i'm so sorry for your loss. i'm here to talk if you need xx

 

[sadproton]

I 100% understand. My ex would ask if I'm an angel from doing so much caring stuff, and at other times be breaking down in tears when she thought about selfish, stupid things I had said to her in a selfish phase.

Highly likely that yeah, this is related to mental illness. I personally have extremely insecure self image and a huge fear of being abandoned. I think that's maybe what causes this?

I wonder what is the actual cause... I might be a "vulnerable narcissist" or have BPD. Really hard to figure that out. Either way it feels like I'm in some way intrinsically just a piece of shit.

 

[deadbody]

I always care about others more than myself. I believe that this way I can leave at least a little kindness in this world before I die.

 

[livinginsorrow]

I 100% understand. My ex would ask if I'm an angel from doing so much caring stuff, and at other times be breaking down in tears when she thought about selfish, stupid things I had said to her in a selfish phase.

Highly likely that yeah, this is related to mental illness. I personally have extremely insecure self image and a huge fear of being abandoned. I think that's maybe what causes this?

I wonder what is the actual cause... I might be a "vulnerable narcissist" or have BPD. Really hard to figure that out. Either way it feels like I'm in some way intrinsically just a piece of shit.

as someone who struggles with bpd this sounds super similar to what i deal with : ) i'd love to discuss more if you wanted to, but from my understanding narcissism is more about wanting validation and typically doing caring things for said validation. i might be wrong in this understanding but at least from what you said it sounds similar to my experience! you definitely don't sound like a pos xx

I always care about others more than myself. I believe that this way I can leave at least a little kindness in this world before I die.

i hope you're able to care about yourself someday the same way you care about others too because you sound lovely and deserve all that care from both yourself and the others around you too <3

 

[gonegirl1]

I 100% understand. My ex would ask if I'm an angel from doing so much caring stuff, and at other times be breaking down in tears when she thought about selfish, stupid things I had said to her in a selfish phase.

Highly likely that yeah, this is related to mental illness. I personally have extremely insecure self image and a huge fear of being abandoned. I think that's maybe what causes this?

I wonder what is the actual cause... I might be a "vulnerable narcissist" or have BPD. Really hard to figure that out. Either way it feels like I'm in some way intrinsically just a piece of shit.

I relate so much to this. I would do the same things in relationships.

I'm actually also struggling with realizing if I'm a covert narc or have bpd traits. They are really close to each other but I think what mainly differs them is you being kind to others to receive praise and attention (narcissism) or because you don't want them to leave you (bpd)

Either ways I think even if we may have some disorder, we can still be nice to others and care just for the sake of it, at least I feel this way
I'm open if u want to talk more about this

 

[LonelyKitten]

Yes absolutely!
I've been what felt like extremely selfish to gain but also given up my all for other people.
In the end now I feel like neither matters or is remembered, beyond close to the moment.
People just don't pay that much attention to you... maybe it's just me.

But don't count on being 100 % returned in kind if you invest far too much for someone if it left you in ruins, and don't count on being 100 % unable to mend or otherwise re-instate a relationship where you took too much.
I learned both the hard way...

 

[deadbody]

i hope you're able to care about yourself someday the same way you care about others too because you sound lovely and deserve all that care from both yourself and the others around you too <3

Thank you for such kind and lovely words for the stranger like me. I'm sure you are a wonderful person. I hope you are well and taking care of yourself.

People just don't pay that much attention to you... maybe it's just me.

Please don't blame yourself. If a person is not able to perceive your good attitude towards itself and treat you the same way, this is problem of this person.

 

[Enlighten]

I relate so much to this. I would do the same things in relationships.

I'm actually also struggling with realizing if I'm a covert narc or have bpd traits. They are really close to each other but I think what mainly differs them is you being kind to others to receive praise and attention (narcissism) or because you don't want them to leave you (bpd)

Either ways I think even if we may have some disorder, we can still be nice to others and care just for the sake of it, at least I feel this way
I'm open if u want to talk more about this

Almost nobody is kind to others for no reason. Everyone wants at least something out of it: Attention, the good feeling inside you knowing you helped someone out,...
There is a famous quote saying: "Altruism is the highest form of egoïsm" and there is definetely truth behind it.

 

[livinginsorrow]

Almost nobody is kind to others for no reason. Everyone wants at least something out of it: Attention, the good feeling inside you knowing you helped someone out,...
There is a famous quote saying: "Altruism is the highest form of egoïsm" and there is definetely truth behind it.

yes i suppose this is true. one reason i am here is to find people who understand me, but i also want to be there for people who need support too. i think it does give me a good feeling inside, but the way i think of it is; i didn't have someone there at my lowest times and want to be that for other people if i can be. i'm not doing it for my own benefit but for the hope that i can benefit someone else, even slightly. is this still egoism (genuinely curious)
PS when i say i'm not doing it for my own benefit i mean when i reply on these threads to others xx (i've slightly edited it to reflect what i mean clearer)

 

[Enlighten]

yes i suppose this is true. one reason i am here is to find people who understand me, but i also want to be there for people who need support too. i think it does give me a good feeling inside, but the way i think of it is; i didn't have someone there at my lowest times and want to be that for other people if i can be. i'm not doing it for my own benefit but for the hope that i can benefit someone else, even slightly. is this still egoism (genuinely curious)
PS when i say i'm not doing it for my own benefit i mean when i reply on these threads to others xx (i've slightly edited it to reflect what i mean clearer)

I'm already liking you. We think quite similarly. I think there will always be a hint of egoïsm to it, but i'd say the way you and I approach these situations is mostly selfless.

 

[gonegirl1]

Almost nobody is kind to others for no reason. Everyone wants at least something out of it: Attention, the good feeling inside you knowing you helped someone out,...
There is a famous quote saying: "Altruism is the highest form of egoïsm" and there is definetely truth behind it.

Yes I agree, but for example maternal love is unconditional (or should be) you just give and give and expect nothing in return

 

[wildflowers1996]

I relate to this yes
I worry I am a narcissist but I think I do have genuine empathy for others
I think the closest you can get to a selfless good deed is doing something anonymously to help someone? so you don't get anything back
but even then you might feel good about doing something nice, I don't think selfless good deeds exist
but that doesn't mean that what you did wasn't worth doing

I relate to this yes
I worry I am a narcissist but I think I do have genuine empathy for others
I think the closest you can get to a selfless good deed is doing something anonymously to help someone? so you don't get anything back
but even then you might feel good about doing something nice, I don't think selfless good deeds exist
but that doesn't mean that what you did wasn't worth doing

and it's ok for you to benefit from helping others it's a good motivator for kindness

 

[Enlighten]

Yes I agree, but for example maternal love is unconditional (or should be) you just give and give and expect nothing in return

Maternal love is a natural instinct for self-preservation: No creature can live forever. You live forever through your kids. It is essentially a mutation that some animals started doing and thus, their offspring survived more often, causing for it to become the norm.
But in this way, it is not unconditional. You do it so the child survives and indirectly so your genepool survives.

 

[tiger b]

Maternal love is a natural instinct for self-preservation: No creature can live forever. You live forever through your kids. It is essentially a mutation that some animals started doing and thus, their offspring survived more often, causing for it to become the norm.
But in this way, it is not unconditional. You do it so the child survives and indirectly so your genepool survives.

Fair enough (and it's the best we have), but why do people adopt, then, when it often makes little biological sense?

 

[LonelyKitten]

Fair enough (and it's the best we have), but why do people adopt, then, when it often makes little biological sense?

Human society is a lot about the outward self, identity, rather than simply genepool like in the animal world.
You can "live on" identity-wise in an adopted child you raise and teach. (as much as I hate these concepts, blegh)

Or perhaps they want/need the child for something later on (like a caregiver, older age support?)
Some people may also just be unable to have children for one reason or another, doesn't mean an adopted child can't in theory fulfill the same societal roles often expected of a biological child.

 

[Enlighten]

Fair enough (and it's the best we have), but why do people adopt, then, when it often makes little biological sense?

Exactly like Loney Kitten says, it fills in the function that they can't biologically have themselves. And let's say they can get kids and they adopt some africa kid, it's prob out of empathy/egoïsm (as i explained earlier) too.

 

[voyager]

Fair enough (and it's the best we have), but why do people adopt, then, when it often makes little biological sense?

One could argue, following this school of thought, that the intention is to pass on one's persona and ideas, improve one's own outcome by shaping someone else's or to enhance one's lonely home or... or.... too many to mention. There certainly are such motives and one of the worst is probably for political statements. Think Jim Jones for instance, who adopted a rainbow family, and despite always riling up people on racism, focused some of his recruitment on poorer black neighbourhoods, where people were more receptive to his ideas. Eventually, of course, he killed 900+ of them in Guyana. But the dead were people of all colours, so one could argue, he achieved something... *facepalm*

Personally though, I think we shouldn't ask the question of ulterior selfish reasons in everything people do, not least in ourselves, because doubt, in my experience, is also one of the messiest human emotions and can destroy one.

Will get back to this topic in a second, either by edit or new post... it's a very good and intriguing question.