I do, but the goals seem to change. Right now, I'm finding my list of life goals is very short. I had an art business I wanted to grow. In another life, I was majoring in Japanese to become a translator. I'm eligible for reconstructive surgery to try to fix damage from a series of botched surgeries. But none of that matters anymore. I give up.
Anhedonia and apathy have been hitting me super hard for months now, and I just don't care. I have a solid method/plan, but I also keep making other plans as if I'm still going to be around to enjoy the outcome. It's contradictory, but it's not a conscious thing. I guess I'm just living until I'm not anymore.
I keep doing home improvements I've always wanted to do. Planning a bathroom remodel, picking out new furniture I want to save up for and buying new stuff. Finally putting up display shelves and hanging pictures on the walls that have been packed up for years. Stuff like that, that shouldn't matter at all. It's a slow process because I don't have much money, but I think the planning is the part I like most anyway. It might be a form of procrastination. I've always done that, my whole life. Detailed plans, little follow through.
Maybe I'm just chasing ways to feel good again. I have this tiny hope I'll somehow override the suicidal feelings and get happy again if I can be content with just one part of my life. Or maybe it's a way to be in control of something tangible?
Each time I do a thing it makes me kind of feel good for a little while, but because it doesn't actually change my situation, I'm still depressed and suicidal. And to be honest, because of that, completing goals kind of makes me feel worse. Maybe that's why I'm always just planning? It's avoiding disappointment. I don't know how this could happen, but I have a tiny fear suicide will end up somehow disappointing me too. It's absurd.
...and that concludes the dumb rambling book nobody asked for. Haha
