Discussion Do you remember when suicide seemed unfathomable?

[Niko]

It's just something I remember from my youth. I distinctly remember being completely confused as to how & why someone would ever even contemplate ending their life. Like I couldn't register even a little bit why in the world someone would want to do that to themselves.
I guess I had a pretty decent childhood, until high school, but it's kind of jarring when I compare my state of mind then and to now.
I guess i became a completely different person after all these years because I understand it more now (this may be obvious).

It's freaky how I became something that at one point I couldn't even begin to imagine.

 

[starcrossedfate]

Yeah. *blank stare*

 

[+ + + +]

Yes, and the sentence 'she hung herself' in my language sounded the most dark in my mind, leaving me scared that this could even happen in this world. In my language the meaning of it sounds worse than in English to my ears. It's easier to stay in forum where I don't feel the words so much as I do in my own language. I'm still this scared little child!

 

[lv-gras]

no, not sure it ever did completely, remember pretty young looking at picture of someone who hung themselves ith a little bit of longing.

 

[bigj75]

When I was 15-16 suicide seemed very unlikely concept to me.

 

[Jaded]

Not after I was a young teen, no .

 

[Niko]

no, not sure it ever did completely, remember pretty young looking at picture of someone who hung themselves ith a little bit of longing.

woah that seems intense. I mean i can understand that now, but as a kid i think i would've freaked out at that picture.
what's kept you here for all this time then? if you don't mind me asking

 

[Niko]

Yes, and the sentence 'she hung herself' in my language sounded the most dark in my mind, leaving me scared that this could even happen in this world. In my language the meaning of it sounds worse than in English to my ears. It's easier to stay in forum where I don't feel the words so much as I do in my own language. I'm still this scared little child!

yeah it almost seems like saying 'Voldemort' or something. it's too heavy to even speak about in polite society, in fact i've never really had a face to face conversation about this kinda stuff. the only thing that comes close are those occasional late night drunken ruminations with friends that just alarmed everybody.

 

[satou]

I remember first considering suicide as a possibility when I was maybe 12 or 13. This was also the age at which I started refusing to go to church because I didn't believe in god and heaven. So it was a time of increased self-reflection. There was also a train jumper incident and I remember being shocked by it.
I am uncertain if I understood what suicide was before that time, perhaps only in an abstract and detached way from history books, but not as something real people do.

 

[Final Escape]

It's just something I remember from my youth. I distinctly remember being completely confused as to how & why someone would ever even contemplate ending their life. Like I couldn't register even a little bit why in the world someone would want to do that to themselves.
I guess I had a pretty decent childhood, until high school, but it's kind of jarring when I compare my state of mind then and to now.
I guess i became a completely different person after all these years because I understand it more now (this may be obvious).

It's freaky how I became something that at one point I couldn't even begin to imagine.

Yes. I remember feeling hopeful even though I was struggling in my youth. It wasn't till I got into late 20's that I started to be concerned that I'm screwed. I watched other friends make progress and started to see I was way behind but I was not living in a way that would help me grow and mature into an adult.

I just got stuck in my shitty job with no future in it, then I got myself into student loan debt now in default. I separated sex from marriage because I watched my mother's horrific marriages. I didn't feel I could trust myself to pick an appropriate guy. This sadly led to multiple abortions in an effort to avoid single motherhood.

By the time I hit my mid to late 30's I was having bouts of homelessness, where I wasn't necessarily without a place to stay. I just had no stable housing and moving from place to place like my mother's place, motels, or friends who I really couldn't stay or live with for long because personality or living conflicts. I also believe Adderall has had something to do with what happened to me. It's been destructive but I was in denial because it's so powerfully addictive for me.

 

[Niko]

I also believe Adderall has had something to do with what happened to me. It's been destructive but I was in denial because it's so powerfully addictive for me.

Your post hit so close to home.
Adderall is a subtle mindfucker for me. but good luck getting me to give it up.

 

[josh228]

I remember it being a lingering thought for most of my life, but just thoughts and curiosity. Now that its real, its heartbreaking and scary.

 

[Justanotherconsumer]

I grew up before the age of the internet, wasn't invented till I was in my 30's.Cable tv didn't exist till about Jr. High. and tv never reported suicides,might have been in the newspaper but as a kid your not reading the paper much. was usually word of mouth if you heard at all. It was just nothing I ever thought about, mental health treatment didn't gain mass popularity till about the mid to early 90's.

 

[Time2Go?]

I remember as a child there was a town near me, Cuna, Idaho, where a lot of people would go to commit suicide. I think my first shitty attempt at it was when I was seven. I had just told the police, at the request of all the other kids in my situation, that the baby sitters husband was playing help-yourself to my privates. My parents were pissed because they didn't have anyone else to watch me....

Mattie

 

[GeorgeEastman]

Even when I was a little kid, every time I fought with the old man I'd say I'll just kill my damn self.

I wasn't as serious about it back then though. Jumping off a bridge was all I thought about. Now there are all these methods. Too many. If there was only one, I'd have probably already done it.

 

[1234dave]

yeh probably about 3 months ago

 

[Stephen]

I remember I was about 12. I was struggling with feelings towards a friend of mine as well as some other guys at school, and wondering what was wrong with me. My stepfather wasn't the nicest person, and I didn't have an ideation of suicide as much as just a general feeling that the world was wrong, I was wrong in it, and I needed to leave to somewhere else than this universe.

It stayed with me for several months, then abated somewhat as I loved my mum and had a good summer when it turned around from recollection.

However that feeling - of not belonging, stayed in the background. As I got older, as in most things, life took off. I moved state, went to Uni, met a girl, got married, had kids and got a job all over about 6-7 years. When I was diagnosed with a chronic disease and became really unwell a few years ago things probably went pear shaped, and culminated in the rather nasty dissolution of my marriage (was jointly at fault, and she cheated on me, but convinced myself I was to blame really).

It's been over the past 2-3 years that feeling has returned. I see things on the news and it just reinforces my belief there is something wrong with this place, and rather than being happy people go out of their way to beat, take, lie, cheat, and generally hate each other. I see little glimpses of beauty, but they are far far in between all the crap people heap on each other.

I've come to the conclusion that while I couldn't exactly verbalise it when I was a kid 30 odd years ago, I was probably experiencing suicidal ideation then, buried it for a number of years and while it was always bubbling away in the background just got on with trying to survive. In more recent years I think my mind has now moved to a point where I am aware of it, gradually coming to terms with it, and more recently landing in a head space where I think it's very near time for me. I don't want to be in a world like this, and my biggest regret is I've punished my kids by putting them here too, given I see the echoes of what it was like for me in them, when they don't understand why people are like they are.

Either way they will benefit from my demise, their mum loves them regardless of how we get along and I can only hope for them it is better.

 

[Trashcan]

Yes. For a while it didn't make any sense to me.... I couldn't comprehend why anyone would want to die. Then around age 12 or so it started making sense.

 

[stargazer]

I remember I was about 12. I was struggling with feelings towards a friend of mine as well as some other guys at school, and wondering what was wrong with me. My stepfather wasn't the nicest person, and I didn't have an ideation of suicide as much as just a general feeling that the world was wrong, I was wrong in it, and I needed to leave to somewhere else than this universe.

It stayed with me for several months, then abated somewhat as I loved my mum and had a good summer when it turned around from recollection.

However that feeling - of not belonging, stayed in the background. As I got older, as in most things, life took off. I moved state, went to Uni, met a girl, got married, had kids and got a job all over about 6-7 years. When I was diagnosed with a chronic disease and became really unwell a few years ago things probably went pear shaped, and culminated in the rather nasty dissolution of my marriage (was jointly at fault, and she cheated on me, but convinced myself I was to blame really).

It's been over the past 2-3 years that feeling has returned. I see things on the news and it just reinforces my belief there is something wrong with this place, and rather than being happy people go out of their way to beat, take, lie, cheat, and generally hate each other. I see little glimpses of beauty, but they are far far in between all the crap people heap on each other.

I've come to the conclusion that while I couldn't exactly verbalise it when I was a kid 30 odd years ago, I was probably experiencing suicidal ideation then, buried it for a number of years and while it was always bubbling away in the background just got on with trying to survive. In more recent years I think my mind has now moved to a point where I am aware of it, gradually coming to terms with it, and more recently landing in a head space where I think it's very near time for me. I don't want to be in a world like this, and my biggest regret is I've punished my kids by putting them here too, given I see the echoes of what it was like for me in them, when they don't understand why people are like they are.

Either way they will benefit from my demise, their mum loves them regardless of how we get along and I can only hope for them it is better.

When it's possible, I'd like to hear more of your story Stephen. Just give me a PM in coming days if you care to talk more about your story.

 

[Fucking loving it]

Probably at a very early age. I was 6 when I started having suicidal ideation. So it seemed very possible to me early on.

 

[Lifeisatrap]

I don't think there ever was a time when suicide was unfathomable to me tbh. I've pretty much been suicidal since before I even knew what the word meant. I remember asking my parent's the first time I stumbled across the word. After they told me they asked why? My answer was because I think I might be that, they were furious!

 

[OkTotti]

i must be wired differently, I've only thought about suicide in early september.... turned 46 and went through an unexpected job layoff. I started reading about middle age suicides and looking at hotels where i can jump, first found reddit, then ended up here....

 

[Jen Erik]

First experience want to ctb somewhere around age 10-12. Unfathomable then, but only because I was interested in making sure any effort to do it would succeed, and I knew I did not have enough information to do that, until recently.

 

[Threads]

I always knew I was going to die by my own doing, I just didn't realize I'd make it to the age I'm at.

The days of blue skies and optimism died when I left the cult and realized how truly bleak and gray humanity is.

 

[Jadon91]

Up to 18 years old I thought suicide was something far from me, life seemed so beautiful that I thought it was impossible to take it away.
But only after so many things change, you can put yourself in the shoes of those who have made such a gesture.

 

[Help_Me]

I can't get rid of that feeling, as i remember the times when i was young and though i'll never think about ctb. I was horribly ... horribly wrong.

 

[LetMeDiePlease]

Yes, there was a time when we were all naive and thought this was a decent world. But then you wake up and realize how horrible it is, despite all these efforts to sugarcoat it.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Yes when I was a child my little brother who is 11 months younger than me was suicidal and whenever I heard it being mentioned I couldn´t understand it no matter how hard I tried, I was so happy as a child and yeah unfathomable would be a perfect word to describe how I felt about it, it would be just as unfathomable as to understand sex as a child because I didn´t understand neither of those things granted I didn´t know about sex until I was 12 but I am just making a point I couldn´t comprehend how anyone could be suicidal or even what it really meant I mean I knew it meant wanting to die but my innocent happy little mind didn´t understand such things since I basically was in heaven back then.

It is actually pretty cool you brought this topic up because I CLEARLY remember how confused I was as a child about this topic and I would become suicidal myself but first at age 13-14.

 

[Letting Go]

"Do you remember when suicide seemed unfathomable?"

Yes, that period of my life was called elementary school. I was only mildly depressed back then.

 

[Virgo]

I can't remember it. Not being suicidal seems unfathomable now.