Discussion Do you really think you’ll ever go through with it?

[LocalAngel]

I think i will. as to when, that's...a very good question, lmao.


I'm fully convinced that I won't die to natural causes unless something unexpected happens. I want to do it sooner rather then later to prevent that.

 

[Kattt]

Oh absolutely. I nursed my grandmother through the final days of old age. It took the dignity of a beautiful and proud lady.
That's not for me.

 

[LADY007]

Everybody here has a plan, but are you really prepared to leave this life behind? To take that leap of faith down the road of no return? Or are you doomed to suicide ideation forever?

I think it is very situational for all of us. I learned something very applicable to this recently. I had a cataract that caused me to feel what it would be like to be blind. I have never been able to stop smoking cigarettes until now because the fear of blindness that the cataract caused was strong enough to motivate me. Had the cataract removed....not painful....20/20 vision again. Have not had a cigarette or even a puff of one since then. Been over 2 weeks now and will never touch them because they can cause eye problems. I have a 40 cft tank of nitrogen and the exit bag, etc. to go with it. I know that when it is obvious that circumstances dictate using it ...I will be able to do it. I am 70 years old and have always been a positive person. The reality of getting older is that you lose people, places and things. That is what old age is about. At a certain point, the loses are greater than the positives in life. It differs for all of us...but that is inevitable. So motivation can go from mild to very determined. Hope this helps someone to understand the future.

 

[userguy993]

I have no current plans to do it. Ideally, if i make it to old age, i'd find the right time while i'm still lucid. Really live it up and do what i want for about a week, then do it when the weather is beautiful and i feel like i've lived enough.
I'll probably die of something stupid sooner though, and that terrifies me. I want to choose my time to go.

But suicidal ideation, oh my god. Fantasizing of suicide when i feel trapped in a situation is sometimes what pulls me through. I feel like it's there for me to fall back on, even though i won't do it. Just knowing it IS an option is so calming.

And i'm kind of obsessed with it in some weird way? I read (fiction) books about it, i picture myself doing it, i read about different methods.
I even bought SN. It's approximately five feet away from me as i type this, along with metoclopramide and instructions for the entire process.

I guess i like knowing i always have something to fall back on if i need it.

Can you PM me where you got your SN?

 

[feels_like_rain]

Can you PM me where you got your SN?

The source is gone now :(

 

[userguy993]

The source is gone now :(

Was your source IC?

 

[feels_like_rain]

Was your source IC?

Nope. My source was very easy, until things blew up on the news about them selling "suicide kits" (I HATE that phrase and the news was VERY misleading, but that was it.. lol)

 

[figtree]

hope so. my wish would have to win out over my fear of inconveniencing others. but it could happen.

 

[cookiecuttersarerad]

Definitely! I'm just conflicted for when would be the exact right time for it and getting the supplies. Surely hope I'll succeed though, see there's no mental trouble with it but only circumstantial

 

[cujoh]

i feel like it's set in stone that i will very soon. i don't know how much longer I can endure our society of wage slavery, I'm miserable. my time is definitely soon.

i feel like most of us on this forum are doomed to this path. once you've decided to make an account on a place like this you've more or less decided your fate. i don't think I'm ever turning back.

 

[SeekingOasis]

I most likely will. Even if I don't, I feel like I will always have suicide as an option or "back up plan" so to speak.

 

[mafuyu]

The pain only gets worse. Every time I reach a certain breaking point, I only come closer. Plus, I don't want to leave my death up to the world. I choose my fate. Fuck the earth.

 

[SunnysSunset]

I have to. I'm not strong enough to face the future, and me somehow surviving is too scary to think about. This is my only option.

 

[UntilTheLast]

I don't know. And I'm okay with that. I'll stay here for a month or for the rest of my natural lifespan, and then I'll Catch the Bus into permanent oblivion. I don't think that dying is something that you should force, any more than living is something that you should force. Both are okay. Knowing that I can and will choose to leave when I choose to leave honestly brings me a lot of peace, and makes this utterly fucked up world easier to live in.

 

[mang0sp1der]

Everybody here has a plan, but are you really prepared to leave this life behind? To take that leap of faith down the road of no return? Or are you doomed to suicide ideation forever?

Eventually All hope will be lost. Because that's what's holding everyone here back.
This selfish biological blind faith that maybe—just maybe— this life will have some meaning to it. That something or someone will come along the way, or that we will do the things we always wanted to do.
Similar to drug addicts we are scrounging up enough money/resources to recapture those brief moments of happiness. Oh, to be 16 and driving around with my friends again…or to fall in love again, the same way we did before our hearts were wrecked, before we were afraid, vulnerable, naive, beautiful…blissful ignorance.

But, it doesn't happen—or not like how we expected. Life is a series of compromises and depending your luck of the draw, you will have to make so many sacrifices that your life is unrecognizable and you can't believe this is the person you became.
Some degree is human nature, but the moving pace of the modern world (I.e. social media, political corruption, capital control, climate change, social isolation) is just all too much.

So, yeah. Probably won't be today, or tomorrow, or this month, maybe not in the next few years, but I can't see myself getting old. Idealistically I will buy the farm

 

[LastFlowers]

I have to.

 

[princess-oph]

I know I will.

 

[haiku]

I've been mentally planning to do it before the end of this month. I'm scared tbh. I feel guilty for leaving my loved ones behind. But I just don't have it in me to continue on with everything. I really hope I'll be able to

 

[cowie]

I know I will at some point, whether it's this month or 2 decades from now. The only reason I would not is instead dying young from some freak accident or sudden health issue. I'm not afraid of death. My only concern is failing at CTB and making even more of a mess of things.

 

[suisuiforum]

I have everything I need for CTB, so I don't have issues with logistics or anything, but I still have extremely strong SI to the point where I actually see myself unable to ever commit. Like don't get me wrong, I have absolutely no reason to live, and I really don't care about how other people would feel if I did it (I know this sounds rude but when have they ever cared about how I felt about my life lmao). My method is the literal gold standard but something about CTB is just so terrifying, so I'm resigned to live in purgatory, unable to die but unhappy with everything in life.

 

[heyrabu]

I'm planning on ctb this year. But will I have the courage to go through with my plan? I don't know.. I'm so afraid of disappointing people around me. It's the number one reason I want to ctb while it's the only thing that bound me to this world.

 

[AerialBoundaries]

I know I've already commented on this, man, but I feel like doing something right now.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I have no choice. I am at the point of no return. Severely overweight with 0 motivation to take care of myself, mid 30s, dysphoric. There is no happy future for me, so death it is.

 

[sylver]

I very much would love to at some point in my life. I'm fairly confident I'll never stop being suicidal, but there will always be things that prevent me from actually going through with it. Maybe as I get older and more cynical I'll be able to put my needs in front of others'. Maybe I should just stop taking my meds and let bipolar take me down.

 

[FadingFast2023]

That's a fair question I often wonder about. You never know for sure if you will really do it until after the fact. I have had specific days I planned to do it over the years ... ate my final meal, cleared up loose ends, said goodbyes (albeit veiled), prepared my Will ... and then when the time comes I think I cannot do this to my mother ... I will wait until she passes. Now I cannot do it until my cat passes. When all the decks are cleared will I really do it ... I feel 99% certain I will ... but part of me wonders if I am too scared and those were excuses. I don't think so, but I'll never know until after the fact.

 

[bpdblackout]

I am a juvenile felon. My record is expunged, however, I can not purchase my preferred method (shotgun) until 10 years past the date of conviction. I have about 3 years until I can legally obtain a firearm.

I am afraid of every other method besides heroin/fentanyl OD, which I would have difficulty finding to begin with. Not to mention I've never shot myself up before, so I'd need a partner for that one.

and in all honesty, I have no problem waiting the 3 years. I am equally persuaded to CTB as I am to just see what happens.

I am curious if I could find love/have or adopt children

Either way I am at peace. For now, no (preferred) methods available

 

[Blackroom_57]

I am a juvenile felon. My record is expunged, however, I can not purchase my preferred method (shotgun) until 10 years past the date of conviction. I have about 3 years until I can legally obtain a firearm.

I am afraid of every other method besides heroin/fentanyl OD, which I would have difficulty finding to begin with. Not to mention I've never shot myself up before, so I'd need a partner for that one.

and in all honesty, I have no problem waiting the 3 years. I am equally persuaded to CTB as I am to just see what happens.

I am curious if I could find love/have or adopt children

Either way I am at peace. For now, no (preferred) methods available

If I could get a gun I probably wouldn't even be here right now. It would be too easy. Unfortunately I have the most fucked psych record so I can never get a gun legally.

 

[toro]

the only thing stopping me so far has been the lack of a method, everything seems too messy or painful, and I live with family, the last thing I want is to possibly risk my little brother or mum walking in and seeing me dead lol. if I was in America, I would've CTB years ago, getting a gun and going to the woods sounds about as quick and effective as it gets, though I guess id feel terrible for whoever walks in on my corpse. there's also the issue of how to say goodbye.. every note I've ever written sounds corny and id hate to leave without an explanation, my family thinks im getting better and I know my parents would blame themselves for it somehow X_X

id like to think that someday ill go through with it, especially when I have a method nailed down and somewhere to do it peacefully and isolated.

 

[jessisme]

I think once I lose access to basic shelter, food, and amenities, I'll have the motivation needed to go.

Right now my survival needs are being met at the expense of an elderly parent, and once they finally pass away, I'll pretty much have nothing.

There's already the guilt of living off of them as it is, but it isn't enough to compel me to destroy myself physically.

I also live off an elderly parent due to mental illness. When they are no longer able to support me I will lost my shelter and ability to provide for myself (food, clothing, etc…) too. This is my main reason for wanting to ctb. And doing so is fairly urgent much as I don't want to leave them alone here. It's a push and pull that won't resolve itself and is the main thing that is holding me back.

 

[JusTired]

I have seriously attempted 5 times of various methods in my adult life…3 times a part from those were what I thought were serious but never would have actually killed me.

Now, older and with no fight left in me at all, it is just a question of which sure fire method.

You get to a stage in life when nobody will be looking for you and thus all you have to do is choose wisely.

It makes me really angry to think about how bad people get away with everything and then I am just angry at myself that I am still here.

We all know life isn't fair, so what am I going to do about it?

I told myself I would live and prosper to "get back" at all those who have abused me but I don't see my life ever getting better. Every year, every month, every week it has just gotten worse.

I know very soon I am just going to calmly end it for good. I actually feel relief because I know this time will be it.