Do you often have like death urges, something deep inside your heart ?

[Ros]

Hello everyone,
I'm new here, but I've been reading this site for several months, maybe even a year. Let me explain the situation. I'm 22 years old. I have friends, I passed my teaching exam, and I got my master's degree.
However, it's been since COVID-19 hit that I've lost my zest for life. I've regularly felt like dying for the past five years, and I've been writing in my journal, which is now over 50 pages long, about everything I've been feeling for the past four years, (I began it after a breakup).

I often have death urges. Have you ever experienced this? How do you cope when they happen, and how do you react? A kind of urge in the heart, so painful. They often happen in the evening, but in some cases, they occur during the day as well.

I'm seeing a therapist, but I've never been able to talk to her about this. To tell the truth, no one knows what I'm feeling, not even my best friend, with whom I share my entire life. I'm discreet about it.

I convince myself that these urges will disappear, but in reality, they're still there, always. In fact, I see no point in them, other than suffering. In and of themselves, I just want the end to come faster than the others. I'd like to shoot myself, in this country where guns are strictly regulated.

Today, I live with my parents. The rare times they leave and I find myself alone, I do absolutely nothing productive. I stay in my bed, inert. Almost already dead. In September, I'll have a placement at a school. I'll have my own apartment. I plan to kill myself there because I know I won't survive alone. But I want to.

I'm so afraid this site will disappear, with the increasing censorship in this country.
Thank you in advance for reading .
PS : sorry if my english is bad, I'm not native.

 

[TheEmptyVoid]

Hello everyone,
I'm new here, but I've been reading this site for several months, maybe even a year. Let me explain the situation. I'm 22 years old. I have friends, I passed my teaching exam, and I got my master's degree.
However, it's been since COVID-19 hit that I've lost my zest for life. I've regularly felt like dying for the past five years, and I've been writing in my journal, which is now over 50 pages long, about everything I've been feeling for the past four years, (I began it after a breakup).

I often have death urges. Have you ever experienced this? How do you cope when they happen, and how do you react? A kind of urge in the heart, so painful. They often happen in the evening, but in some cases, they occur during the day as well.

I'm seeing a therapist, but I've never been able to talk to her about this. To tell the truth, no one knows what I'm feeling, not even my best friend, with whom I share my entire life. I'm discreet about it.

I convince myself that these urges will disappear, but in reality, they're still there, always. In fact, I see no point in them, other than suffering. In and of themselves, I just want the end to come faster than the others. I'd like to shoot myself, in this country where guns are strictly regulated.

Today, I live with my parents. The rare times they leave and I find myself alone, I do absolutely nothing productive. I stay in my bed, inert. Almost already dead. In September, I'll have a placement at a school. I'll have my own apartment. I plan to kill myself there because I know I won't survive alone. But I want to.

I'm so afraid this site will disappear, with the increasing censorship in this country.
Thank you in advance for reading .
PS : sorry if my english is bad, I'm not native.

yes. every single day, the reason why I still didn't do it yet is because I need to make sure it is highly fatal and painless and to do it correctly...

 

[Ros]

yes. every single day, the reason why I still didn't do it yet is because I need to make sure it is highly fatal and painless and to do it correctly...

You have all my support, I understand you so much,it's so tiring to feel that every time...

 

[Michelstaedter]

Curiously, I've been experiencing that desire you're talking about more since 2020. In fact, about 80 days ago, one of my last beloved pets died (I had 8), and they've been dying over the last 10 years. The last 6 died in the last 4 years, and even worse, the last 4 died within a span of 6 months.

To summarize, I think, reading your story, you should try seeing a psychiatrist, taking medication, or something that justifies your curious feeling that arose as a result of COVID-19, since many people around the world became susceptible around that time, and it's relatively natural that it has caused depression, anxiety, and other mental and physical disorders in many people.
Hey! I'm not minimizing what's happening to you, nor am I trying to persuade you of anything. I just find it curious that this has happened to you in recent years and not for 10 years or more, enough to suggest that there's something deeper that's making you feel this way.
Personally, I'm a decade older than you, and 20 years ago I began experiencing suicidal thoughts, depression, sadness, loneliness, and more recently, anxiety and that urge to die, especially following the death of my beloved pet friends.

P.S. What's your native language? Because I speak Spanish, and if you do, I'd be better able to answer you in that language.

 

[Ros]

Curiously, I've been experiencing that desire you're talking about more since 2020. In fact, about 80 days ago, one of my last beloved pets died (I had 8), and they've been dying over the last 10 years. The last 6 died in the last 4 years, and even worse, the last 4 died within a span of 6 months.

To summarize, I think, reading your story, you should try seeing a psychiatrist, taking medication, or something that justifies your curious feeling that arose as a result of COVID-19, since many people around the world became susceptible around that time, and it's relatively natural that it has caused depression, anxiety, and other mental and physical disorders in many people.
Hey! I'm not minimizing what's happening to you, nor am I trying to persuade you of anything. I just find it curious that this has happened to you in recent years and not for 10 years or more, enough to suggest that there's something deeper that's making you feel this way.
Personally, I'm a decade older than you, and 20 years ago I began experiencing suicidal thoughts, depression, sadness, loneliness, and more recently, anxiety and that urge to die, especially following the death of my beloved pet friends.

P.S. What's your native language? Because I speak Spanish, and if you do, I'd be better able to answer you in that language.

Hello,

Thanks for your answer and your testimony.
I'm french so we are not so far !
Thanks for your advice, the thing is, before it began I'm not sure I can say I was reall happy you know. But Yeah, I had no suicidal thoughts before. I really think that I just dont like the fact of living. I'm often wondering That I've been put here without my consent in a sense.

For a psychiatrist, Saddly for the moment I dont have the force to speak about it openly.
Again thanks

 

[Forever Sleep]

I definitely feel deeply unhappy in my heart. Grieving for those who are deceased also hurts within my heart. I've had ideation since I was 10 though (45 now,) so, that's more deeply set everywhere.

I think you could consider telling your therapist- so long as you make it clear you have no intention to act on your thoughts, no methods prepared etc. If it's something you want to explore and try to reduce, maybe they could work with you on that.

I definitely relate to not really liking life and feeling like it has been imposed on you without your consent. While my ideation has been a constant throughout my life, my anti-natilist feelings have rocketed up over the past few years.

 

[itwillhappensoon]

I can relate to what you said, I think about death all the time , suicidal thoughts torment me everyday since 7 years ago , what's worked for me to this point is that I kept ignoring them , maybe a day will come when the thoughts win and I ctb .

 

[TBONTB]

I'm so glad you are here.

It's interesting the pandemic set this off. Like the stress and trauma flipped a switch. I actually feel a bit that way myself....I think maybe a lot of people do. Perhaps not obsessed about CTB, but their brains a little messed up.

I think it would be interesting to talk to your psychiatrist when you are ready. As long as you describe as thoughts that you are trying to get rid of, it seems like normal shrink talk. When you are ready.

I hope you don't CTB when you move to your own apartment. I heard you say you hope that too, so I hope it's okay to say that. Give it a little while. Maybe go out with others after work? Sign up for a jewelry making class? Just see if some time will help your brain to flip the switch.

Of course you have choice, so apologies if I've overstepped. Wishing you some relief.

 

[kopebaldy]

All day every day lol.

I deal with it by splashing some cold water on my face, putting on a mask, walking out the door, then coming back home looking at the noose hoping that I won't bitch out this time.

Living is tiring, I always wonder if it's really this tiring for everyone and I'm just a bitch for not being able to deal with it.

 

[Pale_Rider]

It's there, but so is SI. So is the nagging questions about the hereafter. Rock, and a hard place.

Nothing I can think to do about it. Been there for a while now.

 

[hippiedeath]

I know I'm going to kill myself. It's a visceral logos. Like it already happened, but I'm catching up to it.

 

[dead dav]

I feel the same way I get urges to hurt myself and this powerful urge to hang I imagine my dead body often it's tiring tbh I have been told I may have ocd but takes 5 years to get a diagnosis in the uk

 

[Unsure and Useless]

I think I'm also experiencing something similar. Although, in my experience, any emotion ultimately results in an urge to CTB. If I'm too happy, I want to CTB, typically in a violent and painful manner; if I'm too sad, I want to CTB in a quiet and painless manner; if I'm too angry, I want to CTB in a public area. You probably get my point. It's an "all roads lead to Rome" type of situation. The only thing stopping me from actually acting on this urge is my SI. I don't remember when this sort of 'mindset' started, but (obviously) I know that it's abnormal. However, I've dealt with this desire long enough to not be too fazed by it, so whenever it happens, I just let the thought roam around until it eventually drifts away, which is something I learned by briefly getting fixated with the concept of meditation. It's hard to explain. I guess the best way to say it is that I separate myself from the thought and observe it like a fish in a pond.