Do you often have like death urges, something deep inside your heart ?

[Ros]

Hello everyone,
I'm new here, but I've been reading this site for several months, maybe even a year. Let me explain the situation. I'm 22 years old. I have friends, I passed my teaching exam, and I got my master's degree.
However, it's been since COVID-19 hit that I've lost my zest for life. I've regularly felt like dying for the past five years, and I've been writing in my journal, which is now over 50 pages long, about everything I've been feeling for the past four years, (I began it after a breakup).

I often have death urges. Have you ever experienced this? How do you cope when they happen, and how do you react? A kind of urge in the heart, so painful. They often happen in the evening, but in some cases, they occur during the day as well.

I'm seeing a therapist, but I've never been able to talk to her about this. To tell the truth, no one knows what I'm feeling, not even my best friend, with whom I share my entire life. I'm discreet about it.

I convince myself that these urges will disappear, but in reality, they're still there, always. In fact, I see no point in them, other than suffering. In and of themselves, I just want the end to come faster than the others. I'd like to shoot myself, in this country where guns are strictly regulated.

Today, I live with my parents. The rare times they leave and I find myself alone, I do absolutely nothing productive. I stay in my bed, inert. Almost already dead. In September, I'll have a placement at a school. I'll have my own apartment. I plan to kill myself there because I know I won't survive alone. But I want to.

I'm so afraid this site will disappear, with the increasing censorship in this country.
Thank you in advance for reading .
PS : sorry if my english is bad, I'm not native.

 

[TheEmptyVoid]

Hello everyone,
I'm new here, but I've been reading this site for several months, maybe even a year. Let me explain the situation. I'm 22 years old. I have friends, I passed my teaching exam, and I got my master's degree.
However, it's been since COVID-19 hit that I've lost my zest for life. I've regularly felt like dying for the past five years, and I've been writing in my journal, which is now over 50 pages long, about everything I've been feeling for the past four years, (I began it after a breakup).

I often have death urges. Have you ever experienced this? How do you cope when they happen, and how do you react? A kind of urge in the heart, so painful. They often happen in the evening, but in some cases, they occur during the day as well.

I'm seeing a therapist, but I've never been able to talk to her about this. To tell the truth, no one knows what I'm feeling, not even my best friend, with whom I share my entire life. I'm discreet about it.

I convince myself that these urges will disappear, but in reality, they're still there, always. In fact, I see no point in them, other than suffering. In and of themselves, I just want the end to come faster than the others. I'd like to shoot myself, in this country where guns are strictly regulated.

Today, I live with my parents. The rare times they leave and I find myself alone, I do absolutely nothing productive. I stay in my bed, inert. Almost already dead. In September, I'll have a placement at a school. I'll have my own apartment. I plan to kill myself there because I know I won't survive alone. But I want to.

I'm so afraid this site will disappear, with the increasing censorship in this country.
Thank you in advance for reading .
PS : sorry if my english is bad, I'm not native.

yes. every single day, the reason why I still didn't do it yet is because I need to make sure it is highly fatal and painless and to do it correctly...

 

[Ros]

yes. every single day, the reason why I still didn't do it yet is because I need to make sure it is highly fatal and painless and to do it correctly...

You have all my support, I understand you so much,it's so tiring to feel that every time...

 

[Michelstaedter]

Curiously, I've been experiencing that desire you're talking about more since 2020. In fact, about 80 days ago, one of my last beloved pets died (I had 8), and they've been dying over the last 10 years. The last 6 died in the last 4 years, and even worse, the last 4 died within a span of 6 months.

To summarize, I think, reading your story, you should try seeing a psychiatrist, taking medication, or something that justifies your curious feeling that arose as a result of COVID-19, since many people around the world became susceptible around that time, and it's relatively natural that it has caused depression, anxiety, and other mental and physical disorders in many people.
Hey! I'm not minimizing what's happening to you, nor am I trying to persuade you of anything. I just find it curious that this has happened to you in recent years and not for 10 years or more, enough to suggest that there's something deeper that's making you feel this way.
Personally, I'm a decade older than you, and 20 years ago I began experiencing suicidal thoughts, depression, sadness, loneliness, and more recently, anxiety and that urge to die, especially following the death of my beloved pet friends.

P.S. What's your native language? Because I speak Spanish, and if you do, I'd be better able to answer you in that language.