Do you keep your normal life going through your suicidal ideation?

[Duality]

I also keep up my regular life. I go to my day job Mon-Fri, I do my scheduled chores, I go grocery shopping when I need to, I go to all of my medical appointments, etc. Recently I had to call some contractors to fix some stuff around my house, and I plan on getting some other things fixed. I even have a small trip planned soon.

I still think about suicide. Maybe not daily, but still a lot. Life is really tough. One day I will absolutely CTB, and I'm sure people will be shocked but that's just how it is.

 

[iwantittobeok]

I try and have been a lot more capable now I'm on Xanax which basically stops my 'episodes' which are intense paranoia,fear,and suicidal ideation. I have epilepsy too, and when I can't sleep my brain 'glitches' and I'll have focal seizures during these episodes. I can't function when they happen unfortunately, but like I said with the meds I'm like really normal and don't want to die. (I get refilled tomorrow at the higher proper dose and am having one of the episodes and have none now so today is a struggle) I have my very accessible quick method available and it makes me feel better that I can at least get out of this life on a dime if I feel I have no other option to continue. Living like this isn't living at all, so it just depends on how much control I can get over my anxiety/hopelessness/grief/guilt/seizures. The seizures fuck up everything and make it so much harder.
So I'm kinda living. I am working 25 hours a week, tried for 37 this week, but after an absolutely intense awful 12 hour shift I had to call out the next day which was another 12 hour shift at the same place, the long intense shift in a complex uncomfortable environment flipped my switch, so I'm looking into shorter shifts that are more manageable with the way I respond to things and my epilepsy. I had a hard brain day epilepsy wise right before this shift and it just blew up my head.
Learning how to live with this, I don't want to hurt my loved ones and am trying to do everything they have available to fix my brain. Starting TMS soon, and if I'm still broken after the doctors recommend I get committed to do the EST 9 week regime, in my city they only do it for in patients so it's my last resort to avoid my backup.

 

[Lewliette]

I go to university, plan my thing for the week, while I have been planning my ctb all this time. Anyway, I have already tried partial hanging, I didn´t loose my mind, it felt really comfortable and for a moment I didn´t think of what I´ve been through. Probably I will do that method. I need to do more research.

 

[prototypian]

I stopped worrying about family and friends. Not because I don't care and love them but because bothering them over and over with my suicidal ideation seeems like a burden.

 

[vadim]

I'm able to clock in and do my minimum wage part-time job because all it really requires from me is to show up there. College has been absolute hell for me because a total lack of motivation and mental energy is not conducive to turning in assignments on time. I'm doing less than adequate there.

In the past, I've made the mistake of opening up to people about some of the things I'm struggling with, so there are quite a few people who know I'm not alright, but they see me appearing to try to improve my life plus I've never spoken to anyone about wanting to kill myself, so I'm able to keep hidden how bad things really are. I can attend social events and be fake and smile and laugh awkwardly while the entire time I'm in such pain I want to jump off a cliff. So maybe I am successful at pretending.

at first i attempted to get my life back into a positive light by making the effort not to isolate myself, and i succeeded, but things around me are worsening, and my mind brought me back here. so yes, i go to parties, i give advice, i'm a hypocrite of shit. people believe i've overcome my issues, my problems and the way i used to push people away is no more, i'm sincere, i promise i am, but i can't imagine what they will think, if betrayed, disbelief, confusion, once i leave this life behind, and them as well, even after being of such trust to them… people usually believe they're a lot closer to me than i really do. it saddens me because i still love and care for them, but i couldn't really sulk in my sadness anymore i made my effort, for people around me to see me better, but also for myself. even in the end, i think i'll still be the hand at my own doom.

I'm in the same position currently. Trying to get my shit together has only made me feel worse, and now there's the pressure to maintain the facade for other people. At least there was comfort in wallowing.

 

[F@#$]

I manage to stumble through the daily bullshit, but I'm about a half step away from completely fuckin loosing it all the time.

 

[lnlybnny]

I don't really have a ''normal'' life, but I still like to keep the house tiddy and I enjoy cooking, besides other ''little'' things

 

[prototypian]

I think that as we age and realize that mediocrity would be the very best we can do if all things are lucky then we should have the choice to just end things all of a sudden without any reason or notice. Just stop being available and stop being a human. Things don't matter and we don't need to even try to exist. I keep this up until I'm ready I suppose.