Discussion Do you have to overshare in order to have a good friendship ?

[psp3000]

I have been thinking about this a lot lately and wanted to get some opinions on it as many people I've interacted with in the past say that I am too private which has led to some very short "friendships" while over sharing/being vulnerable in my experience has led to conflict or judgement sometimes

Is oversharing the same as being vulnerable also what is truama dumping I've seen that phrase floating around on the internet but still have no idea what it means because it seems kind of vague is it that same as treating a friend like a therapist/only going to a friend for struggles while not being there for them when they are struggling ?

Also have your experiences with being vulnerable with your friends been good or bad also how long did you wait to be vulnerable or overshare (personally it took about a year or more) ?

 

[wham311]

Ime overdharing actually is a huge turn off to people.

 

[im gonna grow wings]

i think it depends. a few people i talk with are very open and overshare a ton, but then again everyone is different. i keep most things to myself. mostly cause i think of it as a burden to others.

 

[Pluto]

 

[Forever Sleep]

That's a really interesting question. I think it also points to why I've become distant from my friends. For me, to consider something a deep friendship, I do tend to overshare and trauma dump- I'm afraid. I know that that isn't healthy though. It's neither fair or wise to rely on someone so heavily for emotional support/ regulation. When I figured out that I couldn't rely on people that heavily, I made the conscious effort to withdraw.

So, my friendships don't feel as close as they used to. I think we still care about one another but there are more boundaries now. Which of course- is healthier but, it's changed how I see/ approach friendship. So- for me- it was a crucial element of close friendship but, figuring out it wasn't healthy for either of us made me drop it. Now, I still have some good friendships but, not exatly great or best friendships.

I expect we're all different though. I've never really wanted 'fair weather friends.' I always hoped my friendshios would remain through thick and thin. Most of my deeper friendships were formed from a mutual need for support though. Rather than someone to share fun with. Most are a mixture to be fair but, being such a pessimist, I doubt an optimist would tolerate me and, vice versa.

 

[darksouls]

I never had human friends
my pets were my friends
I tried to be a good mother to them
but they gave me much more than I could give them
they were always there for me
and accepted me as I am
I never got along with people
maybe I am an old dog soul reborn in a human body

 

[ImnotCTB]

For me, I don't think I need to share things they didn't ask.
Found this advice somewhere:
Before talking ask yourself 3 things.
1. Is it true?
2. Is it necessary?
3. Is it kind?

I am 'open' but I don't dump (big or heavy) things out of my open door. They'd have to ask about it and I'd describe the thing first before letting them carry it on their backs.

 

[bankai]

I don't over share anymore with the people in my life. Tried doing it one time with my childhood friend and he asked wtf I was on about?I shut it down real quick never to bring it up again.


And my mother. Even on my several hour long calls with her, I don't talk about anything serious or about anything that's really critical to me. She's old school and will not understand. She loves life. Even with her arthritis and suffering and creaking knees and all that shit she looks forward to every day.

Nothing like the most of us. @psp3000 you're stuck with us I think

You have to confide in us. Unfortunately or fortunately.

 

[Redacted24]

Yes with comments above.

Just an additional thought, if your friend notices that you're a bit down and asks, give them a preview without the full load...

And then ask them if they also have down times, and engage with that.

I found out that a colleague was struggling terribly by asking her... she still doesn't know I'm thinking to CTB.

 

[psp3000]

thanks everyone for your comments/experiences (glad my experiences are not unique and that what I do is not weird)

I do not have much to say but I can relate to some of these and the reasons given so I am reacting so then you know I read your comments/am reading your comments

Just an additional thought, if your friend notices that you're a bit down and asks, give them a preview without the full load...

And then ask them if they also have down times, and engage with that.

I think I will try to do this, I probably have tried this in the past (with varying results/reactions) but then resorted to the "mind reader"/"psychic" thing which is not a good thing to do to anyone

the second half of this comment made me realize that things are uneven / not reciprocated

I don't over share anymore with the people in my life. Tried doing it one time with my childhood friend and he asked wtf I was on about?I shut it down real quick never to bring it up again.


And my mother. Even on my several hour long calls with her, I don't talk about anything serious or about anything that's really critical to me. She's old school and will not understand. She loves life. Even with her arthritis and suffering and creaking knees and all that shit she looks forward to every day.

Nothing like the most of us. @psp3000 you're stuck with us I think

You have to confide in us. Unfortunately or fortunately.

I can relate to this ("wtf I was on about?!") it feels like that one meme where a guy is on some cooking show making pasta and then talks about how he and his friend saved up money to make a rollercoaster but the money was stolen by his friends older brother so then his girlfriend could get an abortion and then he just went right back to cooking the pasta like nothing was said

I am somewhat envious of you, I cannot talk to my parents about anything and I don't want to be *that* person/invalidate what your experience
but at least she is willing to listen/talk although she may not understand or have the same perspective (everything important or not important I say to either or mine is in one ear and out the other, so much so that I was worried about Alzheimer's or some other condition but thankfully and also unfortunately they just aren't listening)

but also your experience with your mother is interesting because I am used to older people being brutally honest about experiences and dropping earth shattering lore maybe it also depends on the relationship (parent and child) so maybe she is protecting you in a way
idk maybe this is all gibberish, sorry for wall of text

For me, I don't think I need to share things they didn't ask.

I am always saying this to people (that I am talking to) "You didn't ask about XYZ, if you did I would share/talk about it"

 

[Ch4in3dcr0w]

Matters how comfortable u feel and the thing u overshare. Generally i try to avoid oversharing my thoughts or opinions and only doing it if we can have a good laugh about it it comes from my past experience while being vulnerable that every insecurity u show will be used against you. About the meaning of trauma dumping its used when someone is vulnerable and the person u are talking to cant be bothered and is annoyed that u dare to vent about something. A bit negative but thats how it is with me. Much love

 

[bankai]

I can relate to this ("wtf I was on about?!") it feels like that one meme where a guy is on some cooking show making pasta and then talks about how he and his friend saved up money to make a rollercoaster but the money was stolen by his friends older brother so then his girlfriend could get an abortion and then he just went right back to cooking the pasta like nothing was said

I am somewhat envious of you, I cannot talk to my parents about anything and I don't want to be *that* person/invalidate what your experience
but at least she is willing to listen/talk although she may not understand or have the same perspective (everything important or not important I say to either or mine is in one ear and out the other, so much so that I was worried about Alzheimer's or some other condition but thankfully and also unfortunately they just aren't listening)

but also your experience with your mother is interesting because I am used to older people being brutally honest about experiences and dropping earth shattering lore maybe it also depends on the relationship (parent and child) so maybe she is protecting you in a way
idk maybe this is all gibberish, sorry for wall of text

Everything you said makes sense.I wish I could share some beers with you and watch some of those SFX horrors you love so much

Although I'm sure I'll shy away from the screen often.

My father passed away a couple of years ago. I love my mother but I can't relate to her. I would die for this beautiful woman. But still. I can't talk to her. I guess that's the generational gap. We just have to understand. It exists. And that's that. I can't talk to her like I can talk to you.

And you're right about our parents trying to protect us in their own way. She edits out a lot that she wants to say lol.

So of course I understand your situation as well. It completely makes sense.

 

[Rynalia]

Other.

I don't think you need to overshare to have a good friendship.

But a good friendship is one that you are able to overshare on occasion without fear of being ridiculed, abandoned, or invalidated by the other person and vice versa.

Sometimes the faucet breaks and you just need to let it out.

 

[bleeding_heart_show]

I hate oversharing, which is why I do it so often on this website, haha.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

There is just something inside of me that, if I don't start puking all those damn feelings out, I just feel extremely anxious and desperate while talking to someone. I need to, for my own good. It doesn't glue with everyone, but I take that as a sort of filter on who's going to accept me for who I am.

 

[Interdegenerate]

Too late…

 

[theboy]

Yes
Building relationships takes time

 

[FoxSauce]

Honeslty depending on the person if I like you right away yes if not or broken my trust then the less I'll tell. Moslty i try not to moslty depends on my mood too.

Sometimes I get thoughts that some people will use that info against me. It lingers I try not to listen to it but still, I get paranoid on people's intentions a bit.

Ofc its gotten me on trouble sometimes for over sharging.