Do you have any knowledge based on your or someone's exp?

[ghostdog]

Hello dear suffer warriors .
I am gonna be 31 male soon , 15 years passed since diagnosed with bipolar 1 .
As i took a peak, you fellas are very open minded , so it's gonna be a honest situation-question, i have energy for now and if text gonna be a long sorry in advance.

Ok. From early teens i have been very melancholic kid ,had very bad situation in family and i always tried to run from reality , for beginning i used to just go outside a lot, than at 14-15 started drinking and smoking pot , in seventeen started to take party and designer drugs , and when i was not sober everything felt normal in meantime many traumatic things happened and i dived way deeper in substance abuse. Day would not pass at least for me not drinking alcohol and popping benzos. I graduated went to a college dropped out , got job, got "drunk" married , got sober, things got way worse . mania striked 3-4 for times because of it lost a lot of friends (i was very social when not sober) , divorced (i am not blaming her at all, i initialized it, because i was her anchor in to darkness, we were young and she deserves a good life , still checking me till this day, i am happy that it ended without pregnancy) , got fired , got another job, lost control of reality, i was never aggressive , but when my workers saw when i was speaking about interdimensional feelings and beings got hospitilized for 3rd time if i am not wrong, then got really addicted to alcohol , i kinda lsot 5-6 jobs ? because of it. and of course my depression and urge to kill my self was growing ( i wanted to kill myself from 15?) , everybody told me everyone , therapists , friends , family , that it gets better (i am saying this about me as a individual , for a fact i have seen several people who tried to kill themselves , now living ordinary happy ? life . it's very indivdualistic and you should try ) but every month every year it was and is getting much worse , couple years ago used to think that it is not possible to get more terrible than this but boy i was wrong. I should be honest that i have tried soberity ,meds, exercise .. healthy life style but my mind does not want to change , there is no known fix to take a magic pill and be "happy" . Now i am on welfare check ,loner, i have no communication to any of friends ... i used to have rally good small group of friends , they and family tried everything what person can do , from ordinary to experimental treatment methods , and wasted a lot of time . soo i am taking distance for them to remember me like i was before not so pathetic what i have become after years.

Suicide.. firs attempt for me it was more like a cry for help was when i was 15-16 , my uncle died in car crush, and my answer to it was to cut my wrists and then running and painting everything in home with blood and i was not alone then went to a "madhouse" and got BP diagnose, i had several cry for helps and 3 serious attempts , but in 2 of them with of luck of knowledge survived , 3rd one was 99% sure when i ODed on Tramadol(no tolerance)+benozos+seroquel+alcohol, i made so that i didn't even vomit, but 1% happened when my old neighbour granny who is really cool women brings me homade food and cokckies, i have been living here for 3 years already and i could not manage to understand her walking-visiting schedule it's random, and i could not be angry to very kind old women, she brought cookies again i guess , door was closed but what granny would if she didn't took a peak in a window, i hade music on high volume and she saw me with open eyes? that wat she said.. called police , i was in some kind of coma for 9 days i woke up and WTF??? i saw faces of people who love me .... and thats when i said that i will not do it if i am not sure for 100%...

Question... thing is that i was deep in to religion , spirtualism. i am saying this because it took years for me to not hang on and kill myself, for "material happiness", what would people think , then friends , then religion , and at last parents and siblings. From private experience i know that your sucide fucks up people, my friend in late 20ies ended his life in a car crush , he was a gambler and in a huge debts and my private opinion is that it was impulsive rush decision for solving problems but reality is that nobody knows for sure.. but what i saw was his very cool healthy mother became a living statue literally she does not talk she only said as i know why he does not leave note and blames herself but did nothing wrong i have seen my eyes how she was helping him , friends that we share say that they are blaiming themself they could help and so on.. and my question is about how i kill my self to make it look like natural death, have heard or know anything ? i have no driving license to crash into a tree , if i od again everyone will know that it will be a suicide without note , you can not get in my country syanide or any other poison very strict laws , even SN is in a scheduale 1 controlled substance list with opiates and last thing is i don't ant to go to jail . I am asking this because there is only one thing left that i don't want to damage any more my mother and sisters i know my suicide will kill my mom and she really does not deserve it always by my side never left but mentality here is that nobody accepts suicide also i read some science article about how suicide affects closed ones and it was like -10 years of life , i know that it will be easier when she knows her son died in "car accident" so fellas please if you have any advice shoot. i have plan B , i have found abandoned tall building with asphalt on the ground , and there is no soul there (i think remote place is better to not give somony accidently PTSD) Thanks.

For mods if anything is inappropriate please don't ban or delete i will change if something wron

To you fellas if anything is offending , i don't mean it to anyone except myself feel free to ask any questions andi am sorry for a long post , i have a energy now and maybe for a week or two i will be a zombie againg . thanks again

 

[ghostdog]

no respond . Fuck it building diving it is

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry for all you have been through. It's understandable that you don't want to cause pain to your loved ones. I think it's the major thing we all worry about.

Honestly, I'm never that massively convinced with the whole death by misadventure idea. I suppose it could work. Members in the past have talked about getting drunk and 'accidentally' falling off a bridge. Maybe it's plausible but I kind of suspect people will still at least consider that it was suicide.

I don't know. It's just my personal feeling really- when people just disappear or, the circumstances are odd- it raises so much suspicion. Just look at the current missing case of Dr Michael Mosley. His poor family must be worried sick. But- it means a police investigation- no doubt. They need to rule out foul play if they can't ascertain it was a suicide and in that case- even family members can come under suspicion. Plus, I imagine people will consider that it may have been suicide anyhow. In which case- why didn't they bother leaving a note to say goodbye and clear up any uncertainty? That's really just my feeling though. I'm imagining if someone I cared about died under unusual circumstances. Personally, I think I'd prefer the truth.

 

[ghostdog]

Thx for respond i got what you are saying , but in a perfect situation i aimed to a heart attack or something like that (even it will be physsicaly painful for me), it's like a cheating i know , but as i understand in " accidents " people are less stressed and less blame themselves , it's more like "gods will". of course when i jump i will leave very thankful note and try to comfort loved ones and explain why i did it, but it will way more painful for closed ones then ordinary death .