Venting Do you hate the fact that you’ve managed to exist for this long?

[FuneralCry]

I really do. I feel like I've been in this world for far too long and I'm so incredibly tired of it all. I should have left a long time ago but in reality I should had never existed at all. To me it's such a tragic thing how life even has the ability to exist in the first place as I do view non existence to be the most ideal option and always have done.
I so envy those who have their suicide planned out with a reliable method, they are the lucky ones, but sadly suicide involves risks and complications for me personally and it's beyond horrible how the world that we exist in denies us access to peaceful and reliable suicide methods.
I especially think that those who left this world at a very young age were the most lucky ones as I do believe that the more years prevented in this horrific world the better. It's such an awful thing to actually manage to reach 22 years here and I will always hate the fact that I didn't die at a much younger age. Continuing to delay our inevitable fate could never be beneficial and such a thing just leads to unnecessary problems and torment and then we will just inevitably deteriorate.

It's all so tedious as well, and from this point the amount of suffering experienced will only increase and this existence will just torture us more, so of course it fills me with dread the thought of being here for another year. It really is such an incredibly cruel thing to bring life into this world as life itself will always be the true problem no matter what people say. The existence of life is such an incredibly disturbing thing that should had never existed in the first place and I've never wanted anything to do with existing. Even one second in this world is more than enough so of course I will always hate the fact that I still exist. Pretty much every waking moment of mine is spent wishing to die.

 

[Lost Magic]

Sorry, you feel like 22 is a long time. I was still optimistic back then (foolishly so). It's even more tiresome when you are pushing 40. I feel like I should have been gone at least 10 or 15 years ago. I hope to God, I just say fuck it all and pull the plug sometime next year. Next time, I will be better prepared. However, I encourage anybody to at least give life a shot at their goals and desires. I tried and failed, but it doesn't have to be the same for everyone. At least that's how I see it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, I've often thought there were ages it would have been good for me to have gone at...

My Mum had an undiagnosed malignant melanoma (skin cancer) when she found out she was pregnant with me. (Crap doctor.) That was my first 'chance'. If she had chosen to have chemo then- that would have been it for me... She didn't.

I sometimes wonder if there is a purpose to life. Some people even believe we choose to be born. While I don't necessarily agree with it- I have run the scenario through my head: Why on earth would I have chosen to be born?!! So- the nice part of me thinks- perhaps I did it for her (or- them- my Mum and Dad.) She especially wanted children. (Even though they were told it was a 'medical impossibility'... Starting to think all their doctors were inept...) That's a comforting thought. I think I did make her happy (although I was obviously clueless at the time.) Still- if that was my 'purpose' or 'function'- why didn't I die when she did? I was 3, she was 40.

Years 3-10 weren't so bad- but I REALLY could have done with dieing at some point then, because years 10-18 were horrible.

Since then, I've always been convinced I would die young like my Mum. I stupidly passed up the chance a couple of years ago when a gallstone moved into the bile duct- I expect that would eventually have resulted in death but three days of pain and I couldn't cope with it anymore (not even knowing what it was at the time.)

I was SO upset when I reached 40. I hated the thought of out living my Mum but now I'm 42.

I'm SO sorry for you @FuneralCry . I've been unhappy plenty in my life but I don't think I've experienced the level of anguish that you clearly do. I wish you could find some peace from it. It must be exhausting to suffer like you do.

 

[Himalayan]

Yes. Yes, i do

 

[Lost Magic]

Yes, I've often thought there were ages it would have been good for me to have gone at...

My Mum had an undiagnosed malignant melanoma (skin cancer) when she found out she was pregnant with me. (Crap doctor.) That was my first 'chance'. If she had chosen to have chemo then- that would have been it for me... She didn't.

I sometimes wonder if there is a purpose to life. Some people even believe we choose to be born. While I don't necessarily agree with it- I have run the scenario through my head: Why on earth would I have chosen to be born?!! So- the nice part of me thinks- perhaps I did it for her (or- them- my Mum and Dad.) She especially wanted children. (Even though they were told it was a 'medical impossibility'... Starting to think all their doctors were inept...) That's a comforting thought. I think I did make her happy (although I was obviously clueless at the time.) Still- if that was my 'purpose' or 'function'- why didn't I die when she did? I was 3, she was 40.

Years 3-10 weren't so bad- but I REALLY could have done with dieing at some point then, because years 10-18 were horrible.

Since then, I've always been convinced I would die young like my Mum. I stupidly passed up the chance a couple of years ago when a gallstone moved into the bile duct- I expect that would eventually have resulted in death but three days of pain and I couldn't cope with it anymore (not even knowing what it was at the time.)

I was SO upset when I reached 40. I hated the thought of out living my Mum but now I'm 42.

I'm SO sorry for you @FuneralCry . I've been unhappy plenty in my life but I don't think I've experienced the level of anguish that you clearly do. I wish you could find some peace from it. It must be exhausting to suffer like you do.

I'm sorry that your mother died fairly young while you were a child. That must have been really hard on you. I also lost my mother to cancer a few years back. I have never gotten over her death. She was the best thing in my life, although, at times I took her for granted. Sometimes you don't know what you have got till it has gone. I am getting close to your mother's age myself, but thankfully I don't have any children, pets or dependents to worry about when I die. May our mother's rest in peace, and when it is our time to pass we can rest too. Peace X

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry that your mother died fairly young while you were a child. That must have been really hard on you. I also lost my mother to cancer a few years back. I have never gotten over her death. She was the best thing in my life, although, at times I took her for granted. Sometimes you don't know what you have got till it has gone. I am getting close to your mother's age myself, but thankfully I don't have any children, pets or dependents to worry about when I die. May our mother's rest in peace, and when it is our time to pass we can rest too. Peace X

Thank you so much. ❤ So true- I think the loss of a parent at any age is very difficult to get over. I've had work colleagues who lost their Mum in adulthood and still haven't gotten over it. Thank you- I'm sorry for your loss also and I hope they are at peace. X

 

[lonely_k1d]

yes because now i have friends, people who would care if i took my life. there were so much time when it was. a perfect time to kill myself like i had no friends,well the friends i had i isolated myself from for months, not close with family and shit

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I don't know if it's hatred so much as surprise. To make it 10 more years seemed unthinkable 10 years ago. Though time is like a ball rolling down an endless slope. If nothing gets in the way (ie killing yourself) then it's eventually going to become years later in time. I do feel bad that all this time has passed and I have neither improved life or ended it.

I'm sorry you're suffering. Normally people would consider 22 to be smack dab in the prime of life when you're supposed to have fun (though it's not necessarily that case for everyone) yet you're completely unhappy. I wish you didn't have to endure any longer.

 

[Zegers]

Yes, because everything has reached a point where it's hard for me to get up and i don't find enjoyment in almost anything, but i had no resources before like this forum or a firearm.

 

[Papilio_polyxenes]

I've made a lengthy post about this before, but yes I genuinely do. I should have committed to CTB at age 20 when I dropped out of college.

For six years afterwards, I've been a friendless loner with no career prospects or degree still living at home with family. None of that has changed, obviously.

During 2022, I got within 1-2 semesters away from finishing my degree and learned to drive. Unfortunately, the year as a whole ended as an unmitigated disaster.

My mother passed away from pancreatic cancer, and I'm getting forced out of my dead-end side job because my coworkers despise me.

While I'm sure there are autistic adults who live happy and meaningful lives, I'm not one of them. I have a lifetime of ingrained bad habits, character flaws, and unresolved past trauma. Plus, I'm disabled and a black man - worst possible combination.

Ready to end this, I never asked for any of it.

 

[Hurt]

Yes. I wish I had died some years ago. Although I'm still here I don't enjoy it. I am unhappy.

 

[aforestfire]

yes. i've reached my breaking point so many times, it saddens me that somehow i still here.

 

[resolutory]

I intended to die this year. Alas, I didn't. The fact that I'm still alive is kind of terrifying. Not to mention a tiring embarrassment.

 

[Emmie]

I really do. I feel like I've been in this world for far too long and I'm so incredibly tired of it all. I should have left a long time ago but in reality I should had never existed at all. To me it's such a tragic thing how life even has the ability to exist in the first place as I do view non existence to be the most ideal option and always have done.
I so envy those who have their suicide planned out with a reliable method, they are the lucky ones, but sadly suicide involves risks and complications for me personally and it's beyond horrible how the world that we exist in denies us access to peaceful and reliable suicide methods.
I especially think that those who left this world at a very young age were the most lucky ones as I do believe that the more years prevented in this horrific world the better. It's such an awful thing to actually manage to reach 22 years here and I will always hate the fact that I didn't die at a much younger age. Continuing to delay our inevitable fate could never be beneficial and such a thing just leads to unnecessary problems and torment and then we will just inevitably deteriorate.

It's all so tedious as well, and from this point the amount of suffering experienced will only increase and this existence will just torture us more, so of course it fills me with dread the thought of being here for another year. It really is such an incredibly cruel thing to bring life into this world as life itself will always be the true problem no matter what people say. The existence of life is such an incredibly disturbing thing that should had never existed in the first place and I've never wanted anything to do with existing. Even one second in this world is more than enough so of course I will always hate the fact that I still exist. Pretty much every waking moment of mine is spent wishing to die.

Could you get on benefits for your autism and then move out on your own? Once that's done you can order SN and prepare to CTB without worrying about your family interfering.

It's sad to think about you spending another two years on here posting such grim messages every day. I wish you would try recovery since you're so young, but I'm also autistic and have been suicidal since I was a teenager so I understand not wanting to be here.

 

[Sadgirldaisy]

Yes. I wish I'd ended it at 24 like I said I was going to, but I had a really public breakdown and was watched too closely. I went from having the chance at a career to working in dead end jobs with no prospects and no friends. Back then at least some people would have cared if I died. I feel like I become worse the longer I live. My life is an embarrassment now and I have nothing going for me.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I've made a lengthy post about this before, but yes I genuinely do. I should have committed to CTB at age 20 when I dropped out of college.

For six years afterwards, I've been a friendless loner with no career prospects or degree still living at home with family. None of that has changed, obviously.

During 2022, I got within 1-2 semesters away from finishing my degree and learned to drive. Unfortunately, the year as a whole ended as an unmitigated disaster.

My mother passed away from pancreatic cancer, and I'm getting forced out of my dead-end side job because my coworkers despise me.

While I'm sure there are autistic adults who live happy and meaningful lives, I'm not one of them. I have a lifetime of ingrained bad habits, character flaws, and unresolved past trauma. Plus, I'm disabled and a black man - worst possible combination.

Ready to end this, I never asked for any of it.

Sorry for your loss. i'm not part of that golden group of autists either. Education was always stymied because of mental health problems. Since you were so close, is finishing it really unfeasible?

 

[Leiden]

Could you get on benefits for your autism and then move out on your own? Once that's done you can order SN and prepare to CTB without worrying about your family interfering.

It's sad to think about you spending another two years on here posting such grim messages every day. I wish you would try recovery since you're so young, but I'm also autistic and have been suicidal since I was a teenager so I understand not wanting to be here.

There's no recovery for some people, I'm one of them, and the sooner people understand this the sooner people will stop pushing it on others.

 

[Unending]

Some days I am willing to play along and distract myself as much as possible to put off the future grief of my parents but today is the type of day where I feel like I want to seriously destroy myself. In general though, I do feel like I would be terrified to see what future suffering exists for me in this gross life and have thought this way on and off for years. Unfortunately, I've stuck around to find out. Spoiler alert: it's nothing appealing in the slightest.

Even when things balance out and become somewhat bearable for me in the short term, I absolutely mourn the future. It repulses and disgusts me. It's completely horrid.

 

[SamTam33]

Absolutely. Some people marvel at the human body and how it operates. I loathe it.

I've done so much research on ways to get it to stop functioning and I'm always appalled at how resilient it is.

The liver is capable of regeneration after being damaged or partly removed. That took the cake for me. You can't even destroy your organs without them shits growing back! Horror show.

Looking back at all the physical trauma I've survived, I started thinking that I'm incapable of dying.

A part of me really believes that. And it's frightening.

I ingested Oleander (supposedly one of the most poisonous plants on earth ) and nothing happened besides a single stomach growl?!

That's just the tip of the iceberg.

Throw me down a flight of stairs? That's fine. I'll land squarely on the softest part of my ass, get up and walk away.

Try and choke me to death? You'll get cramps in your hands as I wait, unimpressed, for you to give up.

I can't even share the most horrific things I've survived because if anyone I knew stumbled across the forum, it would surely identify me.

I'm like a damned demon alien who refuses to die.

I bet if I drank SN, I'd have one poop and a mild headache.

 

[yive]

"Everyday I am still alive feels like I am betraying myself. I deserve better. We all deserve better". — eternalmelancholy

 

[Ineedtodie]

Your feeling are well understood. It's a harsh reality we have been experiencing. My first attempt was 11 years ago. Was 21 at the time. My mind knew there will be unbearable suffering as i felt alone in my problems and already confused and dreading life. Imagine the suffering accumulated 11 years after. Short answer I hate that fact.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Yes, 1 day is even way too long for me to have been AMAB. I can't believe I was so young and naïve to think that at worst, it's neutral.

 

[leeloosnow]

@SamTam33 "one poop and a mild headache" rofl that'd be my luck too. i also find this meatship in which i exist to be completely revolting. any bodily function i could think to list, theyre all disgusting. except farting, farting is fun.

 

[ShuttingDown]

Yes, everyday, every fucking day

 

[FuneralCry]

By the way, I'm not looking for any kind of advice given by someone who knows absolutely nothing about what I go through. And also there is so much wrong with saying 'I wish you would try recovery'. Like no, I'm not even young, 22 is old and I really have existed for far too long. Calling someone so young is so patronizing, I'm pretty sure that people don't come to this site in the first place to be looked down upon like that.

I also think that those who push the idea that others should 'recover' are so ignorant. I'm sorry but the whole idea of 'recovery' is just people deluding themselves, there is no recovery from the cruel and harsh reality of this existence. Life is just a cycle of insignificant and meaningless suffering that continues to repeat when new life is brought here. We suffer, then deteriorate and then just die. It's not admirable or desirable continuing to suffer and I do think that life shouldn't be glorified in such a way. Some people might not be able to understand this but wanting suicide is not a mental illness and isn't something to 'recover' from. Wanting suicide is what makes sense and is the most rational thing. It seems quite absurd to me in a way when people go on about 'recovery'. Like why would anyone want to get old anyway, the thought of that is disturbing to me.

 

[Csmith8827]

I don't hate it but like at the same time I feel like it's time for me to go or has been time. When you like being asleep more than being awake, it's definitely time to go. I just wish our brains knew that and could relase a chemical while we were sleeping so we could die peacefully and get out of here. That'd be some crazy evolutionary biology type a shit.

 

[Rairii]

At times. Sometimes I feel like I should have been eradicated at birth like my mom loved to tell me I would have and should have been.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

At times. Sometimes I feel like I should have been eradicated at birth like my mom loved to tell me I would have and should have been.

Ugh, I'm so sorry you were told that.

 

[Shivali]

Nope, not really. I endured a long time and gave life a chance again and again. Basically I stoll do that again and again. But ctb has always been my secret back door and it will come the right time to use it ...

 

[Zegers]

Some people marvel at the human body and how it operates

I assume that if you're healthy and have a well-built physique you can even be comfortable with it.