Venting Do you hate life itself overall?

[FuneralCry]

That is the way that I feel, I despise existing in every single way possible, I hate this cruel horrific world and I hate my existence. I cannot understand how anyone cannot hate all of this, it doesn't make much sense to me. I believe that in my case the thing that I have a true problem with is the concept of existing, being here is so unnecessary and I just think that experiencing and being aware of this world is such a pointless and painful thing, it's tedious and suffering is guaranteed which means that existing is completely undesirable.

In fact I will never not suffer as long as I'm here as I don't want to associate with existing in any way, the existence of life is the most incredibly disturbing thing that sadly gets so glorified when in fact anything that is perceived as being positive by someone only exists as a delusion to inevitably cause them to suffer more when that thing is taken away from them. I will always hate life as I don't see any benefit to just being awake at all, being tortured, slowly deteriorating from ageing and being in any kind of pain. Life is all for nothing and leads nowhere and could never be worth it for me. It's such a cruel mistake how all of this is even able to exist and it's horrific how people see it as justifiable continuing to create this cycle of harm. It's sad how delusional those who glorify life are and how they endlessly deny the harsh reality. But I do see non existence as always being the most preferable option as there is nothing so valuable about existing in order to make any kind of suffering worth it. There really is no point to staying here when instead I could already be gone, but unfortunately I'm still here as it's certainly difficult and risky to voluntarily die.

But on the subject of the title, I do believe that many people likely just pretend to be positive around others to avoid questions and I really doubt that such a thing as happiness really exists, as human beings are never satisfied. Life as a concept is focused around the fulfilment of endless needs after all, and at least to me there isn't really such a thing as peace in this world, it could never really exist and I just think that true peace could only ever lie in the absence of everything, which could only be found in death.

 

[jessisme]

I love life and I wish I wasn't pushed to do it. My mental health is not good and I have eliminated every last option to be able to support myself independently. When my mother is no longer able to support me I will be jobless and homeless indefinitely as a result of circumstance. I will starve to death if I don't freeze to death first. Taking proactive measures are more practical to literally avoid a fate worse than death. I wish things were different but they are not.

 

[Dead Ghost]

I already told you once that I would like to help you have different points of view (all valid, including yours). But I don't know how to do it. Sorry. You should give me some hint please.
I am convinced that learning to see the same thing from different points of view would help you a lot to not suffer so much until you do the CTB.

//

Ja ets vaig comentar una vegada que m'agradaría ajudar-te a tenir diferents punts de vista (tots vàl·lids, inclòs el teu). Però no se com fer-ho. Ho sento. M'hauríes de donar alguna pista si us plau.
Estic convençut que aprendre a veure una mateixa cosa desde dferents punts de vista t'ajudaría molt a no patir tant fins que facis el CTB.


* Jo es que avuí no dono més de si.. estic fatal..

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Genuine question for you. Is there anything that affords you any pleasure or enjoyment, no matter how small? I used to think that any person no matter how miserable they were had something that gave a positive feeling (not that it's necessarily worth it overall) but your posts have made me question that assumption.

 

[Rainy_days]

No, I hate mental and physical illnesses, cruelty and injustice, etc. I have no reason to hate their opposites which also exist.

 

[Doom]

i hate suffering, if my life wasn't suffering i wouldn't hate it.

 

[BreathOnAMirror]

In my opinion there are some redeeming qualities to existence, despite how horrible and unfair it can be.

To me the Universe itself is a beautiful thing, all these moons going around planets going around stars going around supermassive blackholes, held together by physics and chemistry, and configured in just the right way to form massive, beautiful structures that we can see simply because photons exist in the way that they do. Personally I find an immense amount of wonder and happiness in both just watching it and learning to understand it, and without my existence that wouldn't have been possible.

Then there are friends, which are a bit more of a mixed bag, but which I do think have some redeeming qualities depending on the situation. Having friends does bring me an immense amount of pain quite often, I worry that they'll leave, I worry that they'll replace me, I worry they're just fakes, pretending. Once in a while however they do have those moments where they come through, the moments where you can really distinguish the real ones from the fakes, where they make you remember why you try to talk to people at all. For me those couple days of pure hapiness are almost equal to the weeks of pain and suffering, and they make life worth living for at least a little bit longer.

Each of those reasons is quite subjective to me, maybe you don't find any beauty in science and our universe, maybe all your friends ended up being fakes (I know what that can be like), but for me those are the two main things keeping me in this stressful, awful, usually lonely, existance.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

No, I don't hate life. Are some parts shitty, frustrating, and sad? Sure, but I think there are good things too, and I'm mournful that I won't get to experience them anymore after I'm gone.

But I'm sick and in pain, so I have to go.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Personally, I think life is a lottery. There are plenty of good things that can happen but bad as well. I personally wouldn't want to play it with someone else's life- ie. bring a child into the world.

That said- it's not like I never enjoy life or being alive. I can still find amazement and beauty in nature. I can still find some fulfilment if I manage to create something that is half way decent for a client (my job is creative.) I still find things funny. I still enjoy a lot of the things that I always have. It's just that none of it is enough for the shit show that I'm sure is coming.

It's more that my current reality is tough. It's likely to get even tougher. Plus, when I look around- it looks like everyone else has it just as bad- or worse. I don't blame them if they can still find some redeeming qualities to it. It's just not a vision I share!

Life isn't worth the risk in my opinion.

 

[FuneralCry]

Genuine question for you. Is there anything that affords you any pleasure or enjoyment, no matter how small? I used to think that any person no matter how miserable they were had something that gave a positive feeling (not that it's necessarily worth it overall) but your posts have made me question that assumption.

No, not at all really. I'm wishing to die pretty much every waking moment and I see existence as being such a burden and a chore and I always dread the thought of waking the next day. There could never really be anything enjoyable about all of this, that idea is insane to me, I see existing as being anything but that. I really just dislike existing and it's just the way that I see things and always have done. Life is simply not for everyone. The only thing close to being pleasurable is thinking about how no matter what I will be dead someday.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I believe it is beyond my pay grade to judge life for others. I can only speak for myself. And yes, I hate my life.

 

[exhausted2314]

I don't hate life per se, I think some of us suffer more than others and that is awful. I don't understand what life is all about and that's the problem. None of us know why we go through what we do. It's frustrating. My mental illness has ruined my life. I was abused as a kid and developed severe mental illness as a result. I feel like I don't have the tools to navigate life. Yet I still am able to feel love, feel a need to belong. I feel that I am just consciousness collecting information from the perspective of being me. The information is processed by something in the unknown then when I die I'll be at peace.

 

[Unending]

I have learned over time that with every silver lining someone else's pain and this makes it hard to see life as a good thing at all. I have moments that I enjoy but they usually include some large traces of suffering and pain within them and are always short lived, seemingly pushing the metaphorical pendulum which inevitably means that gravity is going to push it back even more when my 10-20 minutes of relief is over. It's also worth noting that all my moments of joy are from things like researching suicide methods or fantasizing about cutting since I can't do it in my current living situation.

There is no such thing as a good day for me, only short moments of relief but in contrast to the consistent suffering, it is better. It kind of scares me that it is often nothing more than a mix of our predetermined disposition, brain chemicals, and unpredictable events that dictate what our view on life and threshold of suffering will be. I tried REALLY hard for a long time to fight past this and believe the societal message that life is worth it but the lack of understanding that some people just have an impossible hand or genuinely abhor life conceptually only makes things worse for those who aren't cut out for this bizarre role playing game.

I think there genuinely are people out there who have hope and occasional happiness that fuels an acceptance for life, only that this is a foreign concept to some of us here, which in turn makes it seem highly synthetic and manufactured (at least for me). I'm highly agitated by happy sounding music and weird motivational shit or really just any positivity even if it is mundane because it feels like some fucked up sick and twisted joke. But yeah, I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess these are just some things that your post made me think of. I'm sorry you're suffering Fc, I really wish that you weren't having to deal with this pain every day.

 

[exhausted2314]

I have learned over time that with every silver lining someone else's pain and this makes it hard to see life as a good thing at all. I have moments that I enjoy but they usually include some large traces of suffering and pain within them and are always short lived, seemingly pushing the metaphorical pendulum which inevitably means that gravity is going to push it back even more when my 10-20 minutes of relief is over. It's also worth noting that all my moments of joy are from things like researching suicide methods or fantasizing about cutting since I can't do it in my current living situation.

There is no such thing as a good day for me, only short moments of relief but in contrast to the consistent suffering, it is better. It kind of scares me that it is often nothing more than a mix of our predetermined disposition, brain chemicals, and unpredictable events that dictate what our view on life and threshold of suffering will be. I tried REALLY hard for a long time to fight past this and believe the societal message that life is worth it but the lack of understanding that some people just have an impossible hand or genuinely abhor life conceptually only makes things worse for those who aren't cut out for this bizarre role playing game.

I think there genuinely are people out there who have hope and occasional happiness that fuels an acceptance for life, only that this is a foreign concept to some of us here, which in turn makes it seem highly synthetic and manufactured (at least for me). I'm highly agitated by happy sounding music and weird motivational shit or really just any positivity even if it is mundane because it feels like some fucked up sick and twisted joke. But yeah, I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess these are just some things that your post made me think of. I'm sorry you're suffering Fc, I really wish that you weren't having to deal with this pain every day.

I have two kids that seem to be happy at everything. It's amazing to watch. Especially my baby she's just always fascinated with life. She loves to stare at trees and the birds outside. I wish I could give my kids a better life. And it makes me sad that one they might end up like me. I wouldn't wish mental illness on anyone. Seeing little children so happy makes me realise that mental health makes life so hard to enjoy. I want my mind to be free again

 

[wanttodie]

yes i hate my life itself overall sick of living and ned to end my life

 

[Unending]

I have two kids that seem to be happy at everything. It's amazing to watch. Especially my baby she's just always fascinated with life. She loves to stare at trees and the birds outside. I wish I could give my kids a better life. And it makes me sad that one they might end up like me. I wouldn't wish mental illness on anyone. Seeing little children so happy makes me realise that mental health makes life so hard to enjoy. I want my mind to be free again

I wouldn't wish it on anyone either, it's a truly horrible thing to have to endure mental illness. I hate that there are so many of us suffering without relief.

 

[exhausted2314]

I wouldn't wish it on anyone either, it's a truly horrible thing to have to endure mental illness. I hate that there are so many of us suffering without relief.

I sometimes think of medical solutions that might be available one day. That kinda keeps me going. One thing id like to see is a device or procedure that could erase traumatic memories. Memories that serve no purpose. I really hope our future generations get the medical care we didn't get.

 

[Pluto]

I have two kids that seem to be happy at everything. It's amazing to watch. Especially my baby she's just always fascinated with life. She loves to stare at trees and the birds outside. I wish I could give my kids a better life. And it makes me sad that one they might end up like me. I wouldn't wish mental illness on anyone. Seeing little children so happy makes me realise that mental health makes life so hard to enjoy. I want my mind to be free again

I used to work with children in that age group and I know what you mean. Humans are capable of unconditional love at that age. I can't remember what it was like to feel that way myself, but I do remember that life was a completely different thing when it felt like a hive of activity rather than an endless battle to grind my way through another day of discomfort.

According to a spiritual teacher I follow, young children have only minimal mental activity and lack a heavy psychological sense of self, hence view the world from a place of pure wonderment and spontaneity. Adults who achieve ego death report that the feeling is familiar from early childhood. So it just seems like we accumulate a lot of dead weight and it is a joy to discard it all and return to our natural state.

To the original question, I can't have any opinion about life itself. Even the decision to exit life is based on a combination of visceral pain and a rational assessment of feeling unable to contribute anything to the world, nor function effectively myself. Humanity itself is very dysfunctional because bullies usually win over gentle people, and I feel it doesn't have to be this way. But I will concede that in Eastern philosophy, life is essentially viewed negatively, as a cycle of suffering, and the goal is to find a permanent way out.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Only because I cannot live my ideal life (attractive cis woman) and have to watch other people have the privilage of living it. It's just unfair, but that is how life is. When life gives you rotten lemons, you leave the lemonade stand.

 

[ForeverLonely82]

Yes. Wasn't always like this though. In my 20s up to my late 30s I had friends and people around that I cared about then they all went away. Now I hate waking up, going through life's motions and just existing. Total utter bullshit. I see other people living the life I can only dream of. Feeling total envy,jealousy and jaded beyond belief. Many have support system or people around who seem to care, but what about the rest of us. No...we apparently aren't worthy of that. I don't require much. Just want some friends to chill with, love and be loved. I consider myself easy to get along with. I don't judge others for stupid shit unlike most of the online clientele. However, something about myself just seems to be unlikable and that's ok. Can't accept me for who I am then keep on walking.

 

[freeziepop98]

yea

 

[Pentobarbital_Plz]

Yes. It's torture. Life is fucking torture.

 

[chocolatebar]

I agree on most points.

When we look at live from a greater, non human-centered, perspective, and most importantly, without bringing non-observable elements, we can easily see how absurd it all is.

Most matter is inanimate, but then, we have specific constructions, which we don't have a single clue of how they came to be, that are different from other matter. They're organized in such a way that display behaviors, that act, are animated. Their behavior consists mostly of trying to sustain their structures.

We call this life, from the very simple beings, to the most complex ones. We believe that there's something that feels like being a living organism, or, in other words, that they experience the world, they feel what it is to be themselves, differently from an inanimate object. We can't really prove it (solipsism says hello), but their behavior and the fact that we ourselves experience our lives, make it highly probable.

At this point, we can see the first most important aspect about life: It's unstable. Every living being will decay and die if left unattended, so they have to constantly seek what's necessary to sustain their life, probably suffering if they fail to do it in time.

At this point, we can say that life consists mostly of seeking to sustain itself.

Then, some beings became more complex, developing the ability to consume other beings for their survival, what gives them an easier time sustaining themselves, but at the expense of others, making others suffer and die for keeping their structure alive. This became so common, that life became not just a struggle to seek necessary components, but to hurt and avoid getting hurt by other beings.

Now comes the worst part. These beings don't just sustain themselves, but create more beings like themselves as part of their behavior, in an error-prone process. These errors lead to differentiation, in which, in pair with the survival struggles in the environment, lead to the formation of entirely different beings and behaviors.

But there's a fundamental problem in this process: It acts in order to maximize survival and self-sustaining of the whole, not for a single being, in a way that it won't maximize well-being (I should have defined this concept, but I'm already getting tired from typing, sorry), but will only maximize the perpetuation of life itself. So, this process will deliberately create beings who struggle for most of their lives, as long as they reproduce adequately.

From this perspective, life is absurd and terrible. However, there's something that adds so much nuance to all this:

Human life.

Things get more complex because we are humans and so, we now what it is to exist like an human. We experience all that I described above, and yet, most humans like it (some will go farther, and try to justify if).

I was going to tyoe more about the human perspective, but I forced myself too far. I'm not feeling well today

 

[sadanon3]

i don't hate it. i hate myself for not being strong enough to handle it while everyone else can.

 

[ShatteredSoul]

I don't even want happiness or joy or love anymore. It always dies anyway. Good memories make me feel more depressed and I just want to go in to an endless sleep.

 

[Ineedtodie]

I do not hate life overall. I only hate being trapped. If people argue that's part of life, well then I hate life. All I know is that I definitely hate mine.

 

[whatevs]

I actually am an efilist to a large extent, yeah. I'm not a complete mortalist but a moderate mortalist, in that if society wasn't in the grip of a criminal syndicate (cabal) we might be able to come together and realize the incredible potential humans have to explore this reality and investigate how it came to be. This to me isn't really being done, as the criminal syndicate relies on financing large parts of the scientific/engineering community in a way that let's them exert granular control on humans, example: space travel has been strangely stalling since the Lunar landings but we are all addicted to tiny computers that fit in our hands.

But yeah, the base of cosmic horror is what chocolatebar pointed out, as is well known: all life is struggling, dying and feasting on other manifestations of life to exist. From this premise it follows that everything that emanated from the simplest form of life will manifest the struggle, death and cannibalism that defined life in its conception.

Pretty heavy stuff, it never leaves my mind. It cannot be overstated that the problem is at the root of life itself, so we are truly royally fucked as long as we are around. If at least we had good leaders and an opportunity to investigate en masse this hell realm...

 

[Anon1337]

No. I don't hate existence. I love being outdoors hiking in the forests and mountains. Society is the problem. Everything about it is extremely unnatural and needlessly unfair.

 

[Jadzia]

I've really enjoyed some parts of my life but have battled mental illness since I was a teenager and there were periods where I had not wanted to exist.

I'm in this group though for severe chronic illness. My life is constantly unbearable now and I want it to end. However, if by a miracle a cure came along and I got my health back, I'd want to carry on living for now. I was really enjoying life the 6 months before becoming chronically ill in 2013. I would still be planning a quick way out though if things got unbearable again.

I would prefer it if i hadn't been born though and would never bring a child into this world to risk the awful suffering that they might experience.

 

[ikdwhattothinjof]

yes