Thank you all for your replies!, They have given be a bit more insight into my own feelings :D
yes
i've never been in a relationship, & i haven't had an actual friend since freshman year (im 21 now). i also have no real family.
ppl seem to like & gravitate towards me when i put on my persona, but our bonds never deepen. i've tried long & hard enough to feel confident in saying that there is no1 for me. there's no family to find or a 'My Person' to meet. it was infuriating for a time, but now im not sure how i ever expected anything else.
also, your English is v good<3 ur post's much better written than most native speakers.
I can relate to that, Putting on a persona seems like the obvious answer but in my experience (and yours too) it will almost always remain surface level. You can try to change yourself to allign yourself with this horrible world and its people but itll be disingenious and you will get back to where you started. Real connections with people is something I have exeprienced only with a few people. I guess i have survived this long without being loved, whats a few more years. (thank you for the compliment :D)
I enjoy parental love, but it's still not enough, or beside the point, so eh. A lack of parental care would lead to a broken psyche, but if you can overcome it, you're probably good to go?
How do you overcome it though? I'm too broke and don't think stuff like just talking about my feelings is going to fix such a deep rooted issue that has plagued my entire life. Your statement about parental love not being enough really intrigues me, I guess i am even further down in the dumps than I imagined lol.
Its funny cause someone gave me a hug on my last birthday and i was totally shocked.
When i saw their arms come towards me i was getting ready to start swinging, i thought we were fighting.
Nah just a hug, never been hugged off anyone so i didn't know what was happening, i was like why the fuck are you coming at me lol
I don't know why i got hugged, i don't get the importance of a birthday anyways
Ah I would be quite shocked as well. I guess It was a gesture to show some sort of compassion they had towards you. I don't remember the last time I have been hugged or had any form of affection given to me. Just shows how shitty life has been to us ig, That other who offered to hug seems like a nice friend though.
Someone told me that I can't allow someone to like me before I like myself.
More important than what they did to you is what you will do with what they did to you.
my mother didn't hug me, my father never taught me anything, it was as if we were strangers living in the same house, my cousin says I'm a survivor, I don't know if it would make a difference in my life to get involved with someone, but I don't think so.
I have heard that same piece of advice from many people, that you must "love yourself before anyone else can love you" from multiple self help books I tried out when I still had hope left, But when the hate is so deeply ingrained into my brain, I don't have any inkling of how to fix it. I agree with the fact that your intrepretation also plays a large role in how those things affect you, too bad for me my child brain already intrepreted it as me being unloveable, things kept on happening in my life that kept validating that belief and well I'm here now.
You most definetly are a survivor. Neglect in itself is a form of abuse and while you weren't outwardly just hurt or abused, we aren't playing the trauma olympics here lol. You were not given any form of love as a kid (like most of us) and I guess that is why you can't even imagine yourself being romantically involved with another person. If you can, I think you should try it out. I think my longing for a partner stems from a longing to have meaning and trying to get vicariously through other means like a romantic partner. It might help show you another aspect of life you haven't experienced yet. Althought in this shithole of a world, actually good people who are worth spending your life with are few and far between.
To be honest I am not sure I would know what to do if people actually loved me. I feel like the universe was wrong when I got into medical school and it course corrected when everything happened. I think I am fucking terrible person and everyone knows it that's why I can't get help... Universe going he made it where? Fuck that guy got to fix this.
It is an uphill battle that we are fighting. We want to feel love but we do not even know what love is. It is kinda morbidly funny in a way. I don't think you should demean yourself like that though, A lot of the times we get stuck in our heads, what I did was acknowledge i cant change anything except myself and just try to work on myself and my self image, while it's not miles better than before, at least my will to die has lessened a bit. The world is a horrible place and if you base your opinion on what it gives you back, You will feel even more miserable. I wish you the best of luck my friend! I hope medical school works out for you, It is a very noble cause. :)
Love always feels odd for me. I'm an apostate to my childhood religion and since I left I've had to redefine what true love means for me and it's been hard. Ever since my last breakup I get into delusional monologues that no one could ever love me again... it's an awful feeling knowing almost deep to you core you'll be forever aching.
I relate to a lot of y'all. Thanks for sharing.
Ah, I can understand that. Breakups for someone in our conundrum must be much worse. It is something you have to make peace with but It hurts so much. Seeing people happy in relationships and having good relationships with their parents, whether that be in real life or in media is so infuriating. Why couldn't it be me? Why was I born this way? Why didn't I ever get love?, etc etc. The only things I see feasible is trying to find fulfillness in other ways in life or just... giving up. It is something most of society doesn't have to deal with it and Something that is very hard to even comprehend. Please try to stay out of your own head and if possible try working more on yourself and your self image.
I was loved by my mother for the most part, yet I'm still completely socially awkward and beyond a failure in terms of romantic relationships.
My "nobody could love me" instinct simply comes from rejection from teenage years and beyond for the most part, it doesn't really relate to my childhood or family.
Hm, That's an interesting thing you've brought up. People can also get this mindset from things other than the absence of parental love. I was too much of a pussy to even try to ask anyone yet, so you're braver than me lol. Not to undermine your own issues or anything, but I think you could try and push past it if you can summon the motivation to work relentlessly on your own self (which is a hard task ik, even after countless attempts to try small normie self improvement advice i still fuck up) you could find love. I find my self hatred is so rooted in my psyche there's no way i can fix it. but you have gotten your mindset through reactions of other possible partners or friends, the outer world. It can be fixed although it is a very uphill battle.
Thank you all for responding once again, I am a bit of a newbie to this forum but it feels so refreshing to talk about feelings I've had to keep buried for so long, may we all find peace in one way or another.
