Yes, I think some elements of my life were ojectively speaking, fairly tragic. I realise I could have done better at getting over certain things though. So- it's a mixture really. I feel pity for some things, I took responsibility for others, I failed to take responsibility for some.
A friend once asked me: Do I believe in luck or, do I think people make their own luck? That stayed with me and, I tried to make opportunities for myself- with varying success.
I feel like I'm at a weirder stage though where I'll say: This about my life was tragic. This is where I tried to get over it. This is where I didn't bother so much.
But- to the pep talkers who insist we need to take responsibility and quit feeling sorry for ourselves, I would say: You can't shame me for the not bothering bit because- I'm not asking for sympathy for one.
Plus- it's a decision now- more than anything else. I probably don't value life the same way you do so- I don't see so much point in fighting. I'll simply accept that my decision to be inactive means I will stay where I am- stuck being held back by certain things.
If they found that their fight yielded good enough rewards- that's great but, it can be a conscious decision not to fight just as much as a pitiful withdrawal from doing so.
In terms of suicide though- no. That's a reasoned decision for me. I could stay here and fight more. I doubt it would have a massively positive affect on my life. I've fought fairly vigorously in the past. It just brought more problems into my life. What would I be fighting for anyway? Life? I want to be rid of life! Why would I fight for it?
Maybe feeling sorry for myself hasn't done much good. But, neither has believing I could overcome everything and live a 'normal' life. The closest I got to a 'normal' life wasn't particularly satisfying! A reward has to be good enough to put yourself through discomfort to achieve it.
I feel sorry for every other living being that suffers too. I also believe we can do things to either improve our situations or, make them worse. I think the 'improvement' road can often be more challenging.
I think you can do both though- feel pity for yourself but also think- that's happened now- what do I do next to get over it? I don't think one excludes the other.
I don't think suicide is necessarily a declaration of defeat either. I think it can equally be a f*ck this! I'm not playing this pointless game anymore- so- a declaration of defiance too. Why play a game that's rigged from the start? Why go along with positive affirmations if you don't believe that what they are presenting as your 'reward' is worth fighting for?
