I don't know. I have some friends who also struggle to become a responsible adult. I am probably the worst but I also have the worst conditions by far.
I often don't think of it in this way. I don't know. I often have goals. I try to educate myself. I often had the feeling I am just doing that. Also I sometimes I torture me to achieve some goals no matter how unhappy I become because of the struggle. I can be disciplined and I invest a lot of energy when I want to achieve a goal. But probably I cannot solve my main problems. I have very good grades at college but I probably cannot work anyway. There is a small chance I might can work. And I am doing it for this.
I don't know sometimes I like to hurt me. I often had the thought I would spend 150% of my energy to achieve some career goals. I don't know I wanted to burn out/die in the process. This was pretty much fueled by my mania and unhealthy coping mechanisms which I learned as a child due to abuse. I never really had the feeling I want to live. I never really felt like anything could really make me fully happy. This is why I did not see it as wasting my time. I rather don't want to have any time at all and just stop existing.
But I am still young. I am also scared that I will look back when I am old and think about all the opportunities which I have missed out. But honestly when I am doing this now and look back at my past I conclude: I was pretty fucked almost all the time. I ask myself how I surivived to this point. Honestly so much horrible things have happened. I somehow steered the ship through on disaster to the next. (not sure if this translates well).
I don't know when I think about past events I am glad many of them are just over. The game was rigged against me from the start. I just want to forget most traumatizing events. It hurts too much. I don't think my youth is wasted. Rather my whole life. I am not responsible for it.
The thing I am way more concerned about. Will I regret having made some decisions? I am really anxious about that. I am scared to be with my back to the wall. I already am but I try to make the smartest choices and not to make it worse. I think it is rather a postponing game. I just hope when I kill myself I don't have to regret my decisions. I don't want to blame myself in my last seconds on earth.
I still try to recover. One could say I wasted some time. For example by rebeling against medication etc. But honestly I had no good advisors and other people have fucked me way worse. I try to find the best solutions. I pressure me a lot.
I have the feeling my life could be over in some years. I don't know I hate suicide as a decision. I hate having to do it by my own. But I feel like my life drives me to this decision. I just suffered too much. I cannot go through this insane pain and agony again.
I think life will fuck me in the future but not necessarily my age will the exact reason. Rather my support network will shrink and I will be more lonely. Maybe that is a side effect of aging. But I don't really have this idealistic notion of being young. I don't like parties, I don't do drugs, I don't really want to experience crazy shit (I have done this way enough). I just want to have a normal and average life.
I often don't think of it in this way. I don't know. I often have goals. I try to educate myself. I often had the feeling I am just doing that. Also I sometimes I torture me to achieve some goals no matter how unhappy I become because of the struggle. I can be disciplined and I invest a lot of energy when I want to achieve a goal. But probably I cannot solve my main problems. I have very good grades at college but I probably cannot work anyway. There is a small chance I might can work. And I am doing it for this.
I don't know sometimes I like to hurt me. I often had the thought I would spend 150% of my energy to achieve some career goals. I don't know I wanted to burn out/die in the process. This was pretty much fueled by my mania and unhealthy coping mechanisms which I learned as a child due to abuse. I never really had the feeling I want to live. I never really felt like anything could really make me fully happy. This is why I did not see it as wasting my time. I rather don't want to have any time at all and just stop existing.
But I am still young. I am also scared that I will look back when I am old and think about all the opportunities which I have missed out. But honestly when I am doing this now and look back at my past I conclude: I was pretty fucked almost all the time. I ask myself how I surivived to this point. Honestly so much horrible things have happened. I somehow steered the ship through on disaster to the next. (not sure if this translates well).
I don't know when I think about past events I am glad many of them are just over. The game was rigged against me from the start. I just want to forget most traumatizing events. It hurts too much. I don't think my youth is wasted. Rather my whole life. I am not responsible for it.
The thing I am way more concerned about. Will I regret having made some decisions? I am really anxious about that. I am scared to be with my back to the wall. I already am but I try to make the smartest choices and not to make it worse. I think it is rather a postponing game. I just hope when I kill myself I don't have to regret my decisions. I don't want to blame myself in my last seconds on earth.
I still try to recover. One could say I wasted some time. For example by rebeling against medication etc. But honestly I had no good advisors and other people have fucked me way worse. I try to find the best solutions. I pressure me a lot.
I have the feeling my life could be over in some years. I don't know I hate suicide as a decision. I hate having to do it by my own. But I feel like my life drives me to this decision. I just suffered too much. I cannot go through this insane pain and agony again.
I think life will fuck me in the future but not necessarily my age will the exact reason. Rather my support network will shrink and I will be more lonely. Maybe that is a side effect of aging. But I don't really have this idealistic notion of being young. I don't like parties, I don't do drugs, I don't really want to experience crazy shit (I have done this way enough). I just want to have a normal and average life.
