I had this feeling recently. Though I am probably one of the privileged one who feels like that. In this context I am also reminded of this quote from this Joker film.
What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash?
You get what you fucking deserve!
Yeah but I am explicitly not refering to becoming violent towards other people. It was just the feeling of getting abandoned by this coldhearted society. I think compared with a lot of people who also cannot work I have it better than them. In my country health care is free. And they probably spend insane amounts on me. The health insurance companies lack a lot of money currently. But I don't really feel like a burden. Fuck the society. I think one shoud not think of oneself as a burden. Especially not towards the society. I have the feeling the people spit on me. When I was delusional (psychotic) a lot of people made "funny remarks" about my behavior and made fun of me. Yeah I feel disgust for people like that. And to be honest I have the feeling this is not a low amount of people. Just when I see internet comments which contain insults to vulnerable people I feel despisement. I have read under comments of gore videos you can read the worst stuff you can imagine.
But I don't need this part of the internet to feel isolated and abandoned. I still think I will ctb due to the poverty. There are so many reports that poverty gets worse and worse. And the poor people will always suffer the most for example when the inflation is high or when climate change hits us. I still have this little hope that there will be more financial help for unemployed disabled people like me but I don't have much hope.
Here are some pro and con arguments whether I am abandoned or not.
Contra arguments: I have good friends. But they do not really represent the society. I get some affirmative action due to my illness. I was in many programms for getting help, to get work, to succeed in recovery. I get my medication for free.
Pro arguments: My therapy ends very soon and I don't feel prepared to carry the weight without help. I am really scared to crash soon. Experiencing another psychotic episode. Like I always appreciated having a therapist. But we could not really solve my main problems. We always were busy to solve the current problems. We all pretended like the big problems are part of the future. There is tiny hope that I will succeed and I cling to that hope. But honestly it is quite a pipe dream. And I think if we look rationally at my past, present and future I don't see much hope for me. Soon the therapy sessions stop and my therapist gives me so many compliments and talks about all the progress I have made. I don't feel like that. I think I have a lot of responsibilites now which distract me from my horrible future. I get this (false???) feeling I could change the outcome of my life. But I think for me personally this is rather escapism. I am spending insane amounts of energy on recovery. And if someone asked me whether I think this is a good decision trying to avoid suicide. I would completely agree on that.
But I just suffer no matter what I do. Everything what I do is so obsessive and kind of extreme. My behavior is always on one side of the extreme. I think without addictive medication I would have collapsed after a short time. I am skilled not to get addicted. But this is obviously also a big threat. I think I had to ctb if I become benzo addict. I doubt my fragile brain could deal with a benzo withdrawal. I mean even low level of stress triggers me a lot.
My life is so sad and empty. I am so traumatized from abuse and bullying. Society did that to me and noone protected me. This is why I am absolutely convinced I should not care whether I am a "burden" for society. I don't think many people care for vulnerable people. So many people who bullied me have great lives. I am now suicidal for 10 years. And when I say to a doctor that I want to die and I want to get help they would either laugh at me or treat me like a child. I also talked with some professionals about assisted suicide but I think for many people this topic is too touchy. I think the psychiatry is absolutely hypocritical on the topic (assisted) suicide.
This is one of my main points why I feel abandoned by the society. What do I have to do when I have the serious, rational and longterm will to die? Assisted suicide is insanely expensive, with mental illness it is very restrictive and my family more or less blackmails me to stop giving me money if I went to such an organization. I think many people look away when people experience severe suffering. I have the feeling many want to live in their fairy tale world where everyone gets an happy end. But suicides won't stop just because we look away from them. And if I have a discussion with an professional about seriously committing suicide the answer is clear. Like a therapist in clinic called people who ctb "insane". The other one was religious and thought people who ctb go to hell. They supported me with their work but their stances on suicide were abysmal and disrespectful. They cannot make me my problems disappaer. It is cowardly to look away when peope reject life. When people suffer so much so that they just cannot cope anymore. People are forced to so unbelievable cruel ways to die. I want to die with dignity and not like a criminal. And due to the fact that most peaceufl methods are illegal there seems to be no other way.
I think society completely fails when talking about suicidality. The people are hypocritical and cyncial. But when it hits themselves they suddenly change their opinion. I think the society/government completely fails concerning this issue. People beg for at least a little bit of dignity in their last moments and society spits instead on them. This is at least how I feel when I hear that people with horrible conditions get rejected from courts when they sue the state in order to get a peaceful way to exit this world.
What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash?
You get what you fucking deserve!
Yeah but I am explicitly not refering to becoming violent towards other people. It was just the feeling of getting abandoned by this coldhearted society. I think compared with a lot of people who also cannot work I have it better than them. In my country health care is free. And they probably spend insane amounts on me. The health insurance companies lack a lot of money currently. But I don't really feel like a burden. Fuck the society. I think one shoud not think of oneself as a burden. Especially not towards the society. I have the feeling the people spit on me. When I was delusional (psychotic) a lot of people made "funny remarks" about my behavior and made fun of me. Yeah I feel disgust for people like that. And to be honest I have the feeling this is not a low amount of people. Just when I see internet comments which contain insults to vulnerable people I feel despisement. I have read under comments of gore videos you can read the worst stuff you can imagine.
But I don't need this part of the internet to feel isolated and abandoned. I still think I will ctb due to the poverty. There are so many reports that poverty gets worse and worse. And the poor people will always suffer the most for example when the inflation is high or when climate change hits us. I still have this little hope that there will be more financial help for unemployed disabled people like me but I don't have much hope.
Here are some pro and con arguments whether I am abandoned or not.
Contra arguments: I have good friends. But they do not really represent the society. I get some affirmative action due to my illness. I was in many programms for getting help, to get work, to succeed in recovery. I get my medication for free.
Pro arguments: My therapy ends very soon and I don't feel prepared to carry the weight without help. I am really scared to crash soon. Experiencing another psychotic episode. Like I always appreciated having a therapist. But we could not really solve my main problems. We always were busy to solve the current problems. We all pretended like the big problems are part of the future. There is tiny hope that I will succeed and I cling to that hope. But honestly it is quite a pipe dream. And I think if we look rationally at my past, present and future I don't see much hope for me. Soon the therapy sessions stop and my therapist gives me so many compliments and talks about all the progress I have made. I don't feel like that. I think I have a lot of responsibilites now which distract me from my horrible future. I get this (false???) feeling I could change the outcome of my life. But I think for me personally this is rather escapism. I am spending insane amounts of energy on recovery. And if someone asked me whether I think this is a good decision trying to avoid suicide. I would completely agree on that.
But I just suffer no matter what I do. Everything what I do is so obsessive and kind of extreme. My behavior is always on one side of the extreme. I think without addictive medication I would have collapsed after a short time. I am skilled not to get addicted. But this is obviously also a big threat. I think I had to ctb if I become benzo addict. I doubt my fragile brain could deal with a benzo withdrawal. I mean even low level of stress triggers me a lot.
My life is so sad and empty. I am so traumatized from abuse and bullying. Society did that to me and noone protected me. This is why I am absolutely convinced I should not care whether I am a "burden" for society. I don't think many people care for vulnerable people. So many people who bullied me have great lives. I am now suicidal for 10 years. And when I say to a doctor that I want to die and I want to get help they would either laugh at me or treat me like a child. I also talked with some professionals about assisted suicide but I think for many people this topic is too touchy. I think the psychiatry is absolutely hypocritical on the topic (assisted) suicide.
This is one of my main points why I feel abandoned by the society. What do I have to do when I have the serious, rational and longterm will to die? Assisted suicide is insanely expensive, with mental illness it is very restrictive and my family more or less blackmails me to stop giving me money if I went to such an organization. I think many people look away when people experience severe suffering. I have the feeling many want to live in their fairy tale world where everyone gets an happy end. But suicides won't stop just because we look away from them. And if I have a discussion with an professional about seriously committing suicide the answer is clear. Like a therapist in clinic called people who ctb "insane". The other one was religious and thought people who ctb go to hell. They supported me with their work but their stances on suicide were abysmal and disrespectful. They cannot make me my problems disappaer. It is cowardly to look away when peope reject life. When people suffer so much so that they just cannot cope anymore. People are forced to so unbelievable cruel ways to die. I want to die with dignity and not like a criminal. And due to the fact that most peaceufl methods are illegal there seems to be no other way.
I think society completely fails when talking about suicidality. The people are hypocritical and cyncial. But when it hits themselves they suddenly change their opinion. I think the society/government completely fails concerning this issue. People beg for at least a little bit of dignity in their last moments and society spits instead on them. This is at least how I feel when I hear that people with horrible conditions get rejected from courts when they sue the state in order to get a peaceful way to exit this world.
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