bugfart
12x mental hospital stays
- May 21, 2023
- 20
Hello. All my life ever since I could be conscious I was insecure. I've never had anything close to a flat stomach and since I turned 5 I spent all my time daydreaming about cutting off all my fat and when I was 10 I thought that it would be better to have open wounds all over areas that have fat on them to the bone than have my fat there. I get all the body positivity advice, the lizzo advice, the "every body is beautiful advice",
but all that has really stuck with me is the fact that 1. Insecurity is illogical and designed to get you to buy buy buy something forever whether that is a surgery or a product 2. If everyone was beautiful the goalpost would shift, someone has to be the pig or the rat at the bottom of the barrel or the dirt to wipe off to make everything else shine and 3. In our evolutionary history we were never supposed to see so many people. We are not meant to see and idolize and look up to people with plastic surgery and there were fads back in the day of portrait painting rather than photography, but not much as intense as today, unless you count scientific misconceptions (leads in makeup, clothes, paint) or hyper specific cultural ideals such as lily feet and the black stained teeth of that one Asian tribe.
Even still I can look around, I can turn off my phone and the tv and the books with pictures and avert my gaze to billboards and I would still be affected by how the average Joe looks and how it is different and superior to me. I've always wondered why I've had this hump on the back of my neck and I hoped and prayed it was skeletal, muscular, cushings or some hormonal disorder, or a lipoma so I could have it removed. It is no such thing. It won't go away at any weight. I have to hide it with long hair and clothes constantly draped over it. Its just unlucky luck of the draw. Cant get insurance to cover any removal or fixing because it's not medical.
I am also female and have never once been thin. It's affected my health and my joints and my parents over fed me. I had the kind of parents who binge ate personally and passed it down to me. It would be a comment about my body and then they'd buy McDonalds for the umpteenth time instead of teaching me some moderation and letting me play around outside like a normal kid. There is no denying that being bigger has its health consequences and I'm just now getting into the gym as an adult and lost 60 pounds in a year and I'm still medically 30 pounds overweight. I was nearly 100 pounds overweight and only lost it when I was away from my parents. And I can't pretend that I can just be on board with all body positivity and ignore all health consequences.
What I hate is my fat placement and how I can look around and see that the vast majority of people have a different looking back and neck, a different looking set of hips and backside that fit a more general category of nicer looking shapes that I don't align with, and a pair of breasts that haven't deflated like a 60 year old woman's at 19 years old. To be on par with my peers I would have to get several cosmetic surgeries to even approach normal. And I can't stop thinking that I am this way with the things I can't change because I exist to be the metaphorical pig or rat to point at and be like "at least that's not me, I feel way better about myself" or the mediocre to blend in with very boxy clothes on so no one can see one bit of me. While my peers are able to wear bikinis and all of these nice clothes because their body is something I'd need plastic surgery to achieve.
I'm also immune to being hit on. I have to protect my girls verbally and physically when we go out because they are so attractive and appealing to men but I stopped getting any sexual or romantic attention from men once I turned 17, it started from men when I was 5. I get called "the fridge protecting the snacks" from creepy dudes and dudes in general all the time when I'm just communicating what my friends are too passive to say and intervening because I am in a good friend. I want to stop hanging out with attractive people. I'm always in some negative situation because of them. Such as being chased down the street and filmed when I've always been safer on my own and my friend can't run or hardly walk because she chose to go out in heels and a skirt that's a belt and a tube crop top.
I guess I went on a bit of a ramble but I just really hate feeling like I'm just chopped liver next to everyone else and having to be delegated to the "cockblocker" or a "prude", and just being seen as sort of funny sometimes and incapable of a romantic relationship. I'm just "friend material" and everyone who's ever been into me has been after the plot of land I have (their ticket to ever owning a home with a farm in this economy), some sort of resource I could provide, or some sadistic pleasure in abusing me. It sucks. I'm wondering whether to just go ahead and get some plastic surgery on the most pressing things or whether I'll magically stop feeling this way eventually.
but all that has really stuck with me is the fact that 1. Insecurity is illogical and designed to get you to buy buy buy something forever whether that is a surgery or a product 2. If everyone was beautiful the goalpost would shift, someone has to be the pig or the rat at the bottom of the barrel or the dirt to wipe off to make everything else shine and 3. In our evolutionary history we were never supposed to see so many people. We are not meant to see and idolize and look up to people with plastic surgery and there were fads back in the day of portrait painting rather than photography, but not much as intense as today, unless you count scientific misconceptions (leads in makeup, clothes, paint) or hyper specific cultural ideals such as lily feet and the black stained teeth of that one Asian tribe.
Even still I can look around, I can turn off my phone and the tv and the books with pictures and avert my gaze to billboards and I would still be affected by how the average Joe looks and how it is different and superior to me. I've always wondered why I've had this hump on the back of my neck and I hoped and prayed it was skeletal, muscular, cushings or some hormonal disorder, or a lipoma so I could have it removed. It is no such thing. It won't go away at any weight. I have to hide it with long hair and clothes constantly draped over it. Its just unlucky luck of the draw. Cant get insurance to cover any removal or fixing because it's not medical.
I am also female and have never once been thin. It's affected my health and my joints and my parents over fed me. I had the kind of parents who binge ate personally and passed it down to me. It would be a comment about my body and then they'd buy McDonalds for the umpteenth time instead of teaching me some moderation and letting me play around outside like a normal kid. There is no denying that being bigger has its health consequences and I'm just now getting into the gym as an adult and lost 60 pounds in a year and I'm still medically 30 pounds overweight. I was nearly 100 pounds overweight and only lost it when I was away from my parents. And I can't pretend that I can just be on board with all body positivity and ignore all health consequences.
What I hate is my fat placement and how I can look around and see that the vast majority of people have a different looking back and neck, a different looking set of hips and backside that fit a more general category of nicer looking shapes that I don't align with, and a pair of breasts that haven't deflated like a 60 year old woman's at 19 years old. To be on par with my peers I would have to get several cosmetic surgeries to even approach normal. And I can't stop thinking that I am this way with the things I can't change because I exist to be the metaphorical pig or rat to point at and be like "at least that's not me, I feel way better about myself" or the mediocre to blend in with very boxy clothes on so no one can see one bit of me. While my peers are able to wear bikinis and all of these nice clothes because their body is something I'd need plastic surgery to achieve.
I'm also immune to being hit on. I have to protect my girls verbally and physically when we go out because they are so attractive and appealing to men but I stopped getting any sexual or romantic attention from men once I turned 17, it started from men when I was 5. I get called "the fridge protecting the snacks" from creepy dudes and dudes in general all the time when I'm just communicating what my friends are too passive to say and intervening because I am in a good friend. I want to stop hanging out with attractive people. I'm always in some negative situation because of them. Such as being chased down the street and filmed when I've always been safer on my own and my friend can't run or hardly walk because she chose to go out in heels and a skirt that's a belt and a tube crop top.
I guess I went on a bit of a ramble but I just really hate feeling like I'm just chopped liver next to everyone else and having to be delegated to the "cockblocker" or a "prude", and just being seen as sort of funny sometimes and incapable of a romantic relationship. I'm just "friend material" and everyone who's ever been into me has been after the plot of land I have (their ticket to ever owning a home with a farm in this economy), some sort of resource I could provide, or some sadistic pleasure in abusing me. It sucks. I'm wondering whether to just go ahead and get some plastic surgery on the most pressing things or whether I'll magically stop feeling this way eventually.
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