Do you ever get an impulsive urge to just CTB RIGHT this second? Like this very millisecond?

[Unwr!tten]

all the time and i never do it so after i just feel a insane amount of guilt like my feelings are pure selfishness, like i shouldn't feel this way because i "have people around me who care" or "are open to resources" even though I've tried multiple and none seem to work. Then after the guilt washes away i sorta hope the feeling of wanting to CTB comes back so I can do it.

I used to feel insane when that happened to me, but not as much after finding this site, it brings me so much peace.

 

[crimsonpool]

yes very often idk how i have fought it this long

 

[jemetire]

Yep I have that feeling sometimes at school.

 

[cantttdothis]

I feel like this at least 2 or 3x a day. Literally. I hate feeling like this.

 

[ToTheTwillight]

Definitely there are moments where just wish it was triggered so badly.

 

[N0FWayIneedtogo]

Most of the times i wish for my death, have those impulses but then i know its better to plan, slow but sure to chatch it by my own terms with high success rate cuz anithing can happen and i dont want to fail and end up vegetable, by now i know my luck is the worst so i jave to be really carefull i must not fail with this, its my 24/7 project

 

[airconditioner]

I felt this way when I was very suicidal in a day-to-day sense. When I was a teenager, I was on a trip by canyons and kept having to talk myself into or out of running away and jumping. It felt like the opportunity was there but I was with other people, so extremely inappropriate. And it was this sudden urge to make a decision, now was the time and I had to either make the decision or not at all. My face felt hot and it was all I could think, I need to jump now, I really need to jump or it won't happen. I am still sort of confused if it was an intrusive thought or realizing it was one of the few opportunities I had to take my life without potential survival. I had many passing thoughts, but this felt more like an urge or a calling for that very second, that it needed to be now. Even though I hadn't planned for that opportunity, it was right there and I need to make an immediate decision before it passes. Obviously I decided against jumping, but it was an unprecedented sense of urgency. I've had other instances of holding a knife up to my stomach and trying to press in, sort of urgent but I also knew in the back of my mind that the success rate was low and that it would likely be too painful to go through with. I had a long-term plan of carbon monoxide but couldn't work up the courage until the day everyone was returning from their trip. It felt like a decision I put off or was maybe too reluctant to take until it was almost too late (even though the act itself felt urgent and necessary). It was a sort of last minute gamble that was pretty pathetic in comparison to its original plan, and the timeliness it took for everyone else to be out of the house for an extended period of time. In that case it felt almost opposite to urgency, where I was slow to act and fulfill plans even though I felt very ready and had prepped myself emotionally for a long time.

I only feel it now in response to ongoing harassment and violation. I was targeted by extremely sick people online and in daily life, their own careers made them more convincing and groups like anonymous helped in continuing to inflate the issue and basically taunt people into suicide (not a new thing for them). They have so many fake accounts where they'll essentially mimic your "personality," try to befriend you or demonstrate an issue — to convince you of anything really. Most grotesquely a form of care. When I see how bad it gets, it's worse than what some people might do privately (in most cases I wouldn't care to know). They make their harassment inescapeable, and then it feels like, again that immediacy, not so much in suicide but being the only way to put an end to what they (and bolder figures who show their face) do to people. I don't know that it's the same thing as being suicidal, but it's definitely an immediate sense of need.

 

[enough of this]

I am sitting in a Starbucks with a friend on our laptops and I literally have this strong, impulsive desire that is telling me to just go jump into traffic, or go hang myself in the bathroom, or some random ass thing. I don't know. I sometimes get so overtaken with the urge it hurts so much.

Yes, I DO get that urge. I've come close several times.

 

[eashanm]

I know the feels

 

[a flurry of knives]

Yes absolutely. I don't feel "constantly" suicidal. In the sense that most of the time, I feel nothing. I'm devoid of emotions, and that counts suicidality. When I do feel suicidal, it's through intense, VERY intense urges that randomly pop into my mind during the day. Like my mind is screaming at me to just die. And the urge is so intense that most of the time I try to go through it as well just to placate it, though always to no avail.

 

[isthisit?]

Yeah, happens time to time. Usually when listening to music.

 

[Unattainable666]

Yes, often.

 

[ButterflyDream]

I had a really bad night and I took a seat on a bench near Union Square. to calm down I wanted to go home so I made my way to the station, but was overwhelmed by thoughts of jumping in front of a train. I just kept thinking It has to be tonight It has to be tonight It has to be tonight. I snapped out of it and got an uber, but if I made it to the station I'm certain I would've gone through with it. I've never told anyone this as I'm certain it would get me hospitalized yet again. Sometimes I wonder.

 

[FindingHome]

I am sitting in a Starbucks with a friend on our laptops and I literally have this strong, impulsive desire that is telling me to just go jump into traffic, or go hang myself in the bathroom, or some random ass thing. I don't know. I sometimes get so overtaken with the urge it hurts so much.

I can relate. When I have flashbacks I get those urges.

 

[BloodyNobody]

Yes all day every day. I'm sorry you have to go through this

 

[Werewolf.]

I am sitting in a Starbucks with a friend on our laptops and I literally have this strong, impulsive desire that is telling me to just go jump into traffic, or go hang myself in the bathroom, or some random ass thing. I don't know. I sometimes get so overtaken with the urge it hurts so much.

I do, but not because I want to CTB, but it's rather curiosity. "What would happen if I were to jump in front of this train?" "What would happen if I were to jump off of this building?" "What would happen if I jumped out of the window?" These are the thoughts that enter my head and I feel this urge to actually try it out but I have to resist, because I'm not ready to CTB. I guess the saying "Curiosity killed the cat" is eerily true in my case.

 

[ANONYMOUSM]

yep and then i get mad at myself that i can't ctb at the current moment

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

I'm really thinking of just jumping in front of the subway train. I don't want traumatize anyone but goddamn I'm tried of this shit.

 

[Sweet Tart]

I only get impulsive urges to ctb when I'm in a crisis. I haven't acted on it, my response is to drop whatever is going on in my life that is causing overwhelming stress and become a hermit. I'm not recommending this! Just saying it's how I've avoided following the impulse and thus far, it has caused the impulse to subside.

The impulse is always the same for me- jumping in front of the subway or a car. The subway would likely be instant, messy death. I'm not as kind as others here, who feel concern for the driver and those who would have to deal with the mess. When I am that wrapped up in pain, I just don't care. Also, it is a known occupational hazard for train drivers, so I imagine people can get desensitized to it.

 

[LonelyKitten]

During the worst of it, my days are a scrambled mess to process all the mistakes I've made, all the decisions I can't handle anymore, and all the further suffering that's incoming, known and unknown.
The sleep get filled with nightmares of things that happened to me, or mistakes I made that messed up my situation further.

Awake or asleep, everything starts looking like a noose. It'd be so much more manageable to not wake up again!

That's when the impulses get really strong.
I traveled around a lot on trains recently, as there'd been a nationwide 49 €/month ticket in Germany.
The urge to jump whenever a high-speed ICE or freight train was announced to come by, and you just feel it brute-force its way by you...
Enough to make you wish it took you along, but damn what a mess for others that'd be. (and no affairs in order!)
Maybe I just overthink things though, I don't know.