I felt that way long time ago but I understood that the only thing matters is if someone really needs you. Like children or someone with a big, big problem that really needs you, otherwise there are only excuses to stay alive. People can handle with their own problems they usually dont need us at all.
I don't have any children or dependents. There's no one in my life that has a "big" problem - not anything that's really serious or life threatening if that's what you mean't. You're right that people can handle their own problems, but I don't want to leave a mess for them to deal with on top of their own stuff.
I don't know what problems do you have right now but if you feel obligated to stay alive have you tried to dedicate some time to stabilize yourself? Not shortime placebos, instead trying to understand the root of all problems and try to solve them one by one
I have tried to stabilize myself many times and it does not work. The root of my problems is me. I dig myself into a bigger ditch every day.
One of my problems is that I live with some family. I have a stand-offish relationship with my mam - always have done. I don't want to cover it too much, but she has done things in the past and in the present that have hurt me; mind games, gas lighting, name calling, passive aggressiveness when I disagree with her; there's a big list of things. This is the reason I want to get away from her.
BUT there is a flip-side: I'm not exactly an angel myself. You see I'm pretty clumsy - I do silly things which frustrate my family. I don't do it intentionally I'm just an idiot I guess. Like today the internet hub was broken and I didn't bother telling my parents. By the time they found out it was getting late. They had to get in touch with our ISP to sort it out, and it was causing them stress. I should have told them straight away... So why didn't I? I didn't think. It's stuff like this, that I do, which annoys my family. Now despite the bad things my mam has done to me I still feel horrible for causing her stress, because the things I do to stress her aren't anything to do with her; I'm just absent-minded and I do it to everyone even though I shouldn't. Basically it has no connection to the stuff I mentioned about her hurting me.
Another reason is because 2 of my family members work at the same shop I do. If I dissapear and CTB they will know something is up because I won't turn up to work. They will start asking around, and they will probably get acquaintances at work involved which I really don't want. Basically I don't want to start any drama. Not just this, but it might affect their jobs if they wasting their time looking for me because I'm supposed to be there.
It's partly why I'm feeling trapped. I'm trying to move away and get another job; that way I can distance myself from them so that when I eventually leave it won't stress them as much. Maybe me moving out will give them all some breathing space anyway.
It's weird because I've never really felt that I have had a connection with my family; we just sort of live together but I still don't want to inconvenience them for some reason. Yet there are friends or "ex-friends" (the ones that I have talked about in other posts) that I was really close with, more so than my family, but I'm not bothered about hurting them because they aren't a part of my life anymore. Everything I've said probably doesn't make sense. What can I say? I'm really conflicted. Anyhow thank you for your reply. Your post was helpful and has given me some things to consider.
Yes, I constantly feel trapped. I'm trapped of living my life to the full by my fears. I'm trapped from ending everything through my fear of death. I'm trapped of living by my fear of the future and the pointlessness of it all. I don't live, I just exist and constantly feel trapped.
Afraid to living but afraid of dying, eh? I know that position all too well. It probably doesn't mean much coming from a stranger, and it sounds a bit generic but I hope you can find some sort of peace in the end; whatever decision you make.
I did feel trapped, physically, but physically now I know I can get up and go, but mentally, i am more trapped then i care to admit, and tbh in some way's I find that the worst feeling.
When you say you are trapped mentally do you mean that you feel as though you some some kind of mental block stopping you?
