Venting Do you ever feel trapped?

[the_etherealmuse]

I feel confined in this body, tethered to this existence. To me, life simply isn't worth it. After years of seeing death as a respite from pain and suffering, my perspective has shifted. I now see living in the long-term - regardless of how enjoyable it might be - unsustainable. Death seems like the practical choice. I make the decision to end my life from a place of decisiveness. I feel no remorse, nor regret about this choice. I am certain that no matter what life I had been thrusted into, I would have come to the same conclusion : death is desirable.

And yet, there's no easy way to bring about death. The human body seems so fragile, and yet so resilient at the same time. There are thousands of ways it can die, but it astonishes me what it can continue to endure, despite everything.

I wish to cross the threshold of life whilst sleeping. That rules out liberation through hanging, firearms, deliberate overdose, inert gas asphyxiation, jumping, drowning. I don't want much room for error either, as I do not wish to somehow survive one of these methods and sustain damage that debilitates my life even further.
SN seems a viable option, but I doubt the legitimacy of the SN I can obtain at the moment. I also have certain obligations I need to see to before I can take my leave.

But it's increasingly exhausting to continue, and each day is draining. I wish I could get it over with already, but I have atleast a few years before I can attempt ctb with any hope of success.
I just feel so trapped, you know? It infuriates me, but my perpetual exhaustion extinguishes my rage only for it to flare up again.
This cycle continues, drawing fuel from my body, until I am little more than a candle stub.
I wish exhaustion could kill me. Even should one's resolve crumble, the body persists - a hollow of itself, true - but it perseveres nonetheless.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand as I always feel so trapped in this torturous, cruel existence and I always suffer so much from being enslaved in this existence I never would had wished for and never would had chose, existence to me really does always feel like the most terrible tragic mistake. I suffer so much from how peaceful guaranteed death is so cruelly denied for me with the suffering and torture of existing seen as to force and prolong no matter what, I'd just never wish to exist rather all I hope for is non-existence, I'd always prefer to not exist but more than anything I wish this existence was never imposed at all.