Do you ever feel like you just arent capable of living?

[waningmoth]

Its the little things, no one ever taught me how to cope and be self sufficient. It feels like life is just a series of unpleasant crisises that i have no way of coping with and just when everything seems to have stabilised something else goes dramatically wrong. Things that just either dont seem to happen or dont bother others at all

I cant look after myself, take care of a home and when my only caregiver who is in their 80's dies my time is up. Although i suspect my time is likely to run out first.

The mental health services in scotland are woefully under funded and completely useless and dont take people whos life has trained them to always appear amicable seriously. Ive tried telling them im suicidal but they just see me as quiet and not screaming and causing a fuss so i must be ok.

The times ive been in hospital were mostly because they didnt know what else to do with me and they just left me there treatment free for months (almost a year over 2 admissions) and ive spent nights hiding from the checks trying to ctb with a tourniquette somewhat unsucessfully and hating myself for failing even at that. They were none the wiser but in hindsight my attempts at being stealthy were pathetic both during When i hid under a desk and left a pillow under my covers and after (i severly bruised and couldnt turn my neck or swallow without quite severe pain) and yet no one cared.
I didnt want anyone to know because i was trying to ctb and it would be counter productive to be stopped and monitored but i did once try talking to someone during my meds review and they just acted like i was being dramatic and didnt take me seriously.

I dont want to die, i find there are things i want to do, things i want to learn even if its just studying at home but i find myself and always have been thoroughly incompatible with life

 

[Optimu$]

I'd almost choose to focus exclusively on that last small paragraph as that's the thing many will advocate for of you feel you still have a choice.

Healthcare is a lottery in the UK between its countries, counties and locales and then can also be as specific as who it is that's treating you. Psych wards are like that too. The help you're getting might not be atypical for Scotland even if you're unfortunately getting bad care in your locale. Sorry to hear that btw. I think ultimately when it comes to pure mental health problems it's all about things like the right medication to stabilise your mood and then therapy and regular reviews to try and help you work your way out of feeling low or unproductive. Sadly this doesn't always work. A lot of autistic people will probably sympathise with your worries about not being able to manage living and caring alone.

 

[waningmoth]

I want to focus on that last part but its becoming less and less of a choice. The amount of suffering to even barely neutral just doesnt add up and hadnt for a long time. Im on medications that i think help as much as any medication can but life seems to like to kick me when im down, or doing ok or just anytime really

 

[whaleandwasp]

"It feels like life is just a series of unpleasant crisises..."

I've felt this way for a long time now. What is there to enjoy? Life is just one conflict, crisis, or problem after another. It never gets better and each day is worse than the one before it.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm afraid for me it's not just a feeling...

 

[BardBarrie]

I'm an absolute fuckup.
Been a NEET for years and even then can't really look after myself.
No goals, no desires for a life.
Very socially awkward and have hurt good people.

The only reason I'm still here is because of fear of dying — if we had voluntary euthanasia I'd be gone a long time ago.

 

[waningmoth]

Same i missed years of primary school due to panic attacks got kicked out of secondary school and have been NEET since, living off benefits and the kindness of the one parent who cares about me but is powerless to help.

One of my experiments came soo close and was so peaceful but every other attempt has just turned out a dissociated failure and i regret not going through with things when i could have

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Yes, I'm not capable of living though, in my case, I never wanted to live to begin with. I have always wanted to be dead as I always preferred inertia and doing absolutely nothing. I personally never understood the value of doing hard work and slaving away until I die painfully during old age. I'd rather skip all of that entirely and jump to the part where I'm dead

 

[sserafim]

Yes, I'm not capable of living though, in my case, I never wanted to live to begin with. I have always wanted to be dead as I always preferred inertia and doing absolutely nothing. I personally never understood the value of doing hard work and slaving away until I die painfully during old age. I'd rather skip all of that entirely and jump to the part where I'm dead

Same

 

[BardBarrie]

Same i missed years of primary school due to panic attacks got kicked out of secondary school and have been NEET since, living off benefits and the kindness of the one parent who cares about me but is powerless to help.

One of my experiments came soo close and was so peaceful but every other attempt has just turned out a dissociated failure and i regret not going through with things when i could have

What was the close experiment which was peaceful?

 

[waningmoth]

What was the close experiment which was peaceful?

Neck Tourniquet with a kevlar covered headphone cord. And steel chopstick to tighten. Must have got the spot right because i immediately lost vision, got static in my ears and felt like everything i was trying to juggle didnt matter anymore because i was dead so i could rest. Nothing mattered because in a few moments id no longer exist. Then i heard my at the time fiance arrive home and it was a test to see if i could so that if things became unbearable i had a way out. Ive tried seriously multiple times since and have never been able to replicate it, every cable has a tiny bit of give in it, i cant get the position right, my stick breaks, i get bloaty head and just end up swollen with eye haemorages. I regret being too concerned with the mess i was leaving behind for others and not just ceasing to be

 

[BardBarrie]

Neck Tourniquet with a kevlar covered headphone cord. And steel chopstick to tighten. Must have got the spot right because i immediately lost vision, got static in my ears and felt like everything i was trying to juggle didnt matter anymore because i was dead so i could rest. Nothing mattered because in a few moments id no longer exist. Then i heard my at the time fiance arrive home and it was a test to see if i could so that if things became unbearable i had a way out. Ive tried seriously multiple times since and have never been able to replicate it, every cable has a tiny bit of give in it, i cant get the position right, my stick breaks, i get bloaty head and just end up swollen with eye haemorages. I regret being too concerned with the mess i was leaving behind for others and not just ceasing to be

Yeah a lot of people seem to struggle compressing the carotids via tourniquet/partial hanging.
Another challenge is being able to maintain a fatal constriction for the time needed to die once unconscious, since convulsions normally follow the black out.

That's why I'm gonna go with full suspension. . . once I have the courage/desperation.

 

[fleetingnight]

I feel that. Some days, I just want to die, but sometimes, I desperately want to live, it just feels like it's impossible for me.

I'm so sorry there isn't decent mental healthcare where you live </3

 

[waningmoth]

Yeah a lot of people seem to struggle compressing the carotids via tourniquet/partial hanging.
Another challenge is being able to maintain a fatal constriction for the time needed to die once unconscious, since convulsions normally follow the black out.

That's why I'm gonna go with full suspension. . . once I have the courage/desperation.

I think im ready to give up on it and try full suspension too when the time comes its just partial seems to not give me si as i can tighten gradually before getting more violent and it makes for a handy portable suicide kit. Ive seen quite a lot of journal articles with case notes on completed partials and i think part of the problem is that my meds made me gain weight. Most if the successful cases ive seen were in the elderly or malnourished and i was very underweight when i had my successful experiment

I feel that. Some days, I just want to die, but sometimes, I desperately want to live, it just feels like it's impossible for me.

I'm so sorry there isn't decent mental healthcare where you live </3

Its hard when you have some hope left but life seems to just be determined to keep making things unbearable, i wish you peace in whatever form that takes, ideally recovery

 

[guest86]

I really don't understand why the people who brought us into this world now tells us that we can't leave it and if we do it on our own terms it is a "sin". I swear my entire life is a sin then

 

[Kokonoe]

Yes, I feel the exact same. I always feel like most people just don't understand it, but some people really are not just capable of living, and I am unfortunately one of those people.

I've tried so hard so many times over the years and yet I'm still completely useless. I can never do anything right, and I can't handle any aspect of life, no matter how simple. I'm as useless as it gets.

Been a NEET for a few years now because of my inability. I hate it and wish I could do something about it but I'm just not capable of it.

 

[onbekend]

If life is so good, Then I'm not worthy living in it. If life is bad, then that's even more of a reason for me to kill myself.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've certainly felt at a huge disadvantage to others when I have done life stuff. I've had awful social anxiety before working various jobs. I think you do think to yourself- is it normal to be this afraid of going in to work, attending a training course, going out for a company dinner? Does everyone feel like this? Some people definitely don't. Some people have it even worse I realise but, when does it become justifiable to say- this scares me too much to do? I wonder about that. When does: 'I don't want to do that' become: 'I can't do that'?

I feel like I was mostly forced to do stuff I suppose. It was expected of me to get a job and become independent. I think the hell I would have gotten in guilt trips from my parents would have been worse if I hadn't! Plus, I suppose I was only too eager to get out of my home environment so, I actually embraced certain aspects of being independent because they signified freedom I suppose. I don't really know if it's better or worse in the long-run to be pushed to do things we struggle with.

 

[Vicolo cieco]

My life is embarrassing. I'm totally inept and one of the biggest losers in the Western world.