SplitInfrastructure
becoming the lastnames by will wood
- Jun 7, 2023
- 109
Ever since I was little I remember thinking theres something always around the corner waiting to jump me when I was coming back from music school, I was like 10/11 and the lessons started at 20 sometimes, I was expected to come back alone nearly every time despite voicing my concerns to my mother. I would go by bike every time and speed through the darkness while being scared of it, all I got from my mom in response was that its because of the phone, despite her being the one who would warn me about rapists and kidnappers being everywhere, I eventually stopped reacting to this fear so much, I just lived with it
Im on medicine now, been for nearly a year, after a corona void from my previous treatment. As much as I feel somewhat better now, while being on a quarter of the dose I was at 14, I still break down whenever I forget my evening anxiety pill. Ive come to realize that all of my fears and issues persist no matter how much I just run from it, talk about it or do anything. Im not keeping anything from my therapists, Im quite open actually, but I feel like Ill have to be on medicine untill I go to the otherside.
Medicine has its side effects too, for the majority of junior high school I just felt like I wasnt feeling anything as close as I did beforehand, that feeling persisting even after I stopped the treatment. I feel like Im not even here sometimes, Im isolated from myself and whenever I talk to people I just feel a brick wall between us.
I feel like I can be only understanding. I cant be empathetic and its been killing me for a long time since I had a little drug problem in which I just felt so connected to everyone during the highs, it was like a piece of me was finally able to express itself and I every now and then just go back to thinking how nice it was to feel close with anyone
I do know I wasnt always like this, first I was crying to dumb corny ads on the TV, then I started internalizing what my mother was telling me, then the meds made me numb and it feels like I just lost myself and cant find myself again. I dont even remember how it feels like to sit next to someone and just understand each other while crying, I feel like Im lying to everyone about who I am but I dont even know who I am, nothing is natural to me, the only thing I have left after the times before everything started is art and even it is starting to exhaust me
Im on medicine now, been for nearly a year, after a corona void from my previous treatment. As much as I feel somewhat better now, while being on a quarter of the dose I was at 14, I still break down whenever I forget my evening anxiety pill. Ive come to realize that all of my fears and issues persist no matter how much I just run from it, talk about it or do anything. Im not keeping anything from my therapists, Im quite open actually, but I feel like Ill have to be on medicine untill I go to the otherside.
Medicine has its side effects too, for the majority of junior high school I just felt like I wasnt feeling anything as close as I did beforehand, that feeling persisting even after I stopped the treatment. I feel like Im not even here sometimes, Im isolated from myself and whenever I talk to people I just feel a brick wall between us.
I feel like I can be only understanding. I cant be empathetic and its been killing me for a long time since I had a little drug problem in which I just felt so connected to everyone during the highs, it was like a piece of me was finally able to express itself and I every now and then just go back to thinking how nice it was to feel close with anyone
I do know I wasnt always like this, first I was crying to dumb corny ads on the TV, then I started internalizing what my mother was telling me, then the meds made me numb and it feels like I just lost myself and cant find myself again. I dont even remember how it feels like to sit next to someone and just understand each other while crying, I feel like Im lying to everyone about who I am but I dont even know who I am, nothing is natural to me, the only thing I have left after the times before everything started is art and even it is starting to exhaust me
