do you ever feel like life is TRYING to drive you to suicide

[JigsawFeelin]

This is likely the same for a lot of you, but oftentimes I actively try to improve my life. I look on the 'bright side', I make an effort to see people, I apply for jobs and I PUSH for help with my health conditions like a Karen demanding to see the manager.
But every time I do so, something happens.
I get an invite to a gig, I get excited, buy an outfit for it, look forward to seeing people I haven't seen since lockdown and then find out my happily situated ex is going. Or I pay £££ for a private health consultation and I'm told things can't be fixed. I eat intuitively and happily and then weight gain happens that shouldn't even be possible with my consumption. It seems like every time I get up, get washed and face the day head-on, something catapults into me and I'm just not sure what to do anymore.
I've learnt recently I'm a super resilient person. And that's why I'm still here, it has little to do with survival instinct- I think I mostly believe life can get better.
But my luck just seems, frankly, really awful. I have a lot of the ingredients for a good life, I'd argue a lot of ingredients my peers who've done better than me don't have are at my disposal. But I'm beginning to think my bad luck is mathematically impossible.

It just seems criminally unfair, this constant cycle of going 'fuck it, stay on benefits and see no one, you're actually a lot safer on your own and it's evident by the thousands of jobs you've applied to and not heard back from that you're meant to be unemployed' and then going 'no, you're going to live a life you're proud of'. I just need *one* break in luck. Maybe a good date turning into a relationship, or somehow my C.V being picked from a pile, or a doctor saying 'we can fix this'.
I'd be happy with just one little piece of luck. Anything on the above list would bring me unfathomable happiness.
But I'm currently stuck single, mostly friendless, without a job in a market the UK news outlets claim has now ceased to be tough and suffering from so many ailments it makes me anxious to be around people.
I never wanted my life to be like this. And I was certainly told if I tried and if I kept trying things would improve. But how long can I keep battling this disappointment? I'm terrified in two years time, something will resolve itself in some way, and I've spent so much energy obsessing over this really basic want that everyone else has that I'm basically broken and utterly defensive.

 

[JigsawFeelin]

Weight gain isn't determined by how happy you are lol

Weird to pick up on that, but sure. For me, it is.

 

[JigsawFeelin]

Huh, so you can break the laws of thermodynamics.

when I'm happy I eat more, resulting in weight gain. What about my declaration is so violently stupid that it requires you to result to be weirdly mean. to a complete stranger

 

[Happy deathday!]

Yeah I'm honestly convinced that life is trying to drive me to kill myself while simultaneously making it as hard as possible for me to kill myself. It sucks

 

[JigsawFeelin]

Exactly. Your happiness doesn't affect weight gain in itself

fairly sure anyone could grasp my meaning from the original post without this expose, tbh.

 

[watchingthewheels]

I know the feeling. It's like Tetris, sometimes; no matter how good you are, how prepared you are, the situation just starts to get too be too much and overwhelming, like a "war of attrition", meant to wear you down.

 

[JigsawFeelin]

I know the feeling. It's like Tetris, sometimes; no matter how good you are, how prepared you are, the situation just starts to get too be too much and overwhelming, like a "war of attrition", meant to wear you down.

do you consider it a luck thing, or are there more components at play for you?

 

[Superdeterminist]

Yeah, shit's fucked. At some point you just get tired of trying and just seek out death instead because life is fucking you around too much, making it impossible to enjoy. Or maybe none of that's true for you, that's just my feeling about life really, the message I have gotten over and over.

 

[signifying nothing]

I'm not sure the message from life/the world is necessarily to drive you to suicide, but more that your expectations are too optimistic, which would explain why you are continually being disappointed.

Rather than trying to look on the 'bright side' maybe look at just being more realistic about things, ie a more comfortable medium between 'unfathomable happiness' and suicide?

 

[Meditation guide]

It does get to be a bit much.

 

[JigsawFeelin]

I'm not sure the message from life/the world is necessarily to drive you to suicide, but more that your expectations are too optimistic, which would explain why you are continually being disappointed.

Rather than trying to look on the 'bright side' maybe look at just being more realistic about things, ie a more comfortable medium between 'unfathomable happiness' and suicide?

I don't really feel like I am asking too much, though? Just the same basic needs most everyone I know is able to meet :/

 

[watchingthewheels]

do you consider it a luck thing, or are there more components at play for you?

do you consider it a luck thing, or are there more components at play for you?

Not so much luck on its own as "outside interference".

 

[it's_all_a_game]

Yeah I feel the same way. I try my hardest but things continually backfire. I have battled racism, parental abuse, homelessness, etc. but this universe screws me over no matter what. It's hard to keep trying when I keep having a setback for every win.

 

[saltshaker]

I feel like there's a conspiracy against the human race, in so many ways we are being simultaneously fucked :S

 

[watchingthewheels]

(And when I say "outside interference", I don't mean the universe, per se; I mean PEOPLE. The universe, the world itself, I find knowable and amenable.)
It's more the "Cause and effect" of the actions of the people in it that makes me feel that war of attrition.

 

[blue_muse]

Personally; it's not so much life, but more a case of a select few orchestrating things to make them look naturally unfortunate. Before anyone says it, I know it reads like someone on the verge of a nervous breakdown .

 

[FuneralCry]

Yeah, I literally feel like i'm cursed. I think for me life was an problem from the start due to being born with neurological issues which affected the way my brain is wired. I think I have low capacity to deal with suffering and I lack the resillience to deal with life.
I have basically had lifelong depression. I do feel like life always works against me and many of the things that have happened to me I couldn't have prevented such as health issues.
All the times I have tried to improve in life it has never gone my way and I have ended up worse than I was originally.
I think the thing with life is, we cannot predict the future and we don't know how bad things can get and we set expectations on ourselves. Those two things go against eachother and can lead us into an mental despair.

 

[signifying nothing]

I don't really feel like I am asking too much, though? Just the same basic needs most everyone I know is able to meet :/

Idk then, if they really are just basic needs - as opposed to things you feel you should have/expect to have because other people you know have them?

But then I suppose even basic needs can be different for different people...

 

[WornOutLife]

Yeah, life is putting barriers on my way all the time but I'm still trying to fight.
This is the last shot I'll give life.

Anyway, hope things get better for you.

Hugs and love,

Matt

 

[Isisnefert]

I am also tired of this useless fight with the Life.
I just get Back. IT is the Last chance for My Life, Live is hell

 

[watchingthewheels]

Yeah, there are days that feel like the world is trying to kill me. On my more defiant days, that's when I liked to quote Captain Mal Reynolds: " Well, I ain't them. And don't you ever stand for that sort of thing. Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back."

 

[Simba]

yes i feel like as if life wasnt really meant or built for people like us.. the minute something happens to you that makes you or turns you a tiny bit different ,thats it ,youre finished. But its not to say its like that for everyone ,thats just how i feel.. im not great at social stuff ,life or God always finds a way to screw me over as always..

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

There is a misconception perpetuated by individualistic bootstrap culture, that if we simply keep pushing on eternally and do x y and z, eventually we will reap the rewards-- guarenteed recipe for happiness.

Of course, most people are content with their lives, so it makes sense that they would expect everyone else to be capable of this acceptance too. Our world blames those who are kicked down and disparaged time and time again, insisting that somehow we bring about this misery by our own decisions and actions. To that I say, bullshit.

You could do everything right, follow every reccomendation, nugget of wisdom, and self help book affirmation to a tee, and life could still trap you in a pit of despair. Often times, through no fault of our own, this world beleaguers us with amounts of misfortune and tragedy.

Do not blame yourself for your unemployment. So many people are in the same boat right now, and the leadership in the UK government does fuck all to remedy it. Do not try to find fault with your efforts when the onus is on the politicians who allow this competitive, unsustainable system to continue whilst providing no tangible assistance to those who are left behind.

 

[Flippy]

There is a misconception perpetuated by individualistic bootstrap culture, that if we simply keep pushing on eternally and do x y and z, eventually we will reap the rewards-- guarenteed recipe for happiness.

Of course, most people are content with their lives, so it makes sense that they would expect everyone else to be capable of this acceptance too. Our world blames those who are kicked down and disparaged time and time again, insisting that somehow we bring about this misery by our own decisions and actions. To that I say, bullshit.

You could do everything right, follow every reccomendation, nugget of wisdom, and self help book affirmation to a tee, and life could still trap you in a pit of despair. Often times, through no fault of our own, this world beleaguers us with amounts of misfortune and tragedy.

Do not blame yourself for your unemployment. So many people are in the same boat right now, and the leadership in the UK government does fuck all to remedy it. Do not try to find fault with your efforts when the onus is on the politicians who allow this competitive, unsustainable system to continue whilst providing no tangible assistance to those who are left behind.

I may be mistaken but I think it was you who posted about attribution error, or words to that effect. I've been instinctively conceptualising a similar theory throughout most of my adult life so it was nice to see that someone has formalised it :-)

It seems to me that often when people in our shoes experience negative circumstances we are told that we created them due to some innate inadequacy. But when we drag ourselves up by the bootstraps despite how improbable a sustained recovery might be and experience some brief positive circumstances, it turns out it was the psychiatrist's doing, or a whole long list of others wanting to take the credit.

Of course they all earned their good fortune. But when it turns out that you essentially ran the same gantlet they did and just as successfully, only to fall apart due to the damage other people and circumstances did to you, it is *your* fault. Naturally. There is usually some kind of lecture about how you should conduct yourself based on their superior ability and experience. Never point out the holes or fallacies in their logic, to do so will be construed to be "lashing out" or "tantrumming", regardless of how calmly and rationally you express yourself.

Make no mistake, you are required to buy in to the illusion of always having control. You are as responsible for your situation as JFK, for not having the foresight to dodge a bullet at the appropriate time with no prior warning.

 

[progeria]

This is likely the same for a lot of you, but oftentimes I actively try to improve my life. I look on the 'bright side', I make an effort to see people, I apply for jobs and I PUSH for help with my health conditions like a Karen demanding to see the manager.
But every time I do so, something happens.
I get an invite to a gig, I get excited, buy an outfit for it, look forward to seeing people I haven't seen since lockdown and then find out my happily situated ex is going. Or I pay £££ for a private health consultation and I'm told things can't be fixed. I eat intuitively and happily and then weight gain happens that shouldn't even be possible with my consumption. It seems like every time I get up, get washed and face the day head-on, something catapults into me and I'm just not sure what to do anymore.
I've learnt recently I'm a super resilient person. And that's why I'm still here, it has little to do with survival instinct- I think I mostly believe life can get better.
But my luck just seems, frankly, really awful. I have a lot of the ingredients for a good life, I'd argue a lot of ingredients my peers who've done better than me don't have are at my disposal. But I'm beginning to think my bad luck is mathematically impossible.

It just seems criminally unfair, this constant cycle of going 'fuck it, stay on benefits and see no one, you're actually a lot safer on your own and it's evident by the thousands of jobs you've applied to and not heard back from that you're meant to be unemployed' and then going 'no, you're going to live a life you're proud of'. I just need *one* break in luck. Maybe a good date turning into a relationship, or somehow my C.V being picked from a pile, or a doctor saying 'we can fix this'.
I'd be happy with just one little piece of luck. Anything on the above list would bring me unfathomable happiness.
But I'm currently stuck single, mostly friendless, without a job in a market the UK news outlets claim has now ceased to be tough and suffering from so many ailments it makes me anxious to be around people.
I never wanted my life to be like this. And I was certainly told if I tried and if I kept trying things would improve. But how long can I keep battling this disappointment? I'm terrified in two years time, something will resolve itself in some way, and I've spent so much energy obsessing over this really basic want that everyone else has that I'm basically broken and utterly defensive.

yes, life is like a mockery