bigtasty
still tickin'
- Feb 15, 2020
- 37
basically all questions aside from the title are rhetorical, i'm just tryna put myself into badly written mess.
----
i do and i don't know why, my life has been great, i have no phyical health problems, my childhood was absolutely fine.
since birth until i was 13/14 my mother was single parenting me and 3 siblings but she nailed it, provided everything any of us could ask for.
i've had decent paying jobs for the past 5/6 years, i basically have or have access to whatever i want, aside from happiness. admittedly my current workplace is utter toxic and takes a mental toll on me.
no amount of purchases will provide me long-time happiness.
for some reason i just dislike life and have done since a young age, and it's hard to explain why. i remember often expressing how i felt when i was younger but just getting told
"you shouldn't be saying things like that" and since then, i've basically kept myself bottled up and very very rarely express how i actually feel cause i struggle to find words.
i would really love to be able to take someones health problems away from them and let them live a happy, worry free life.
everything i do when i'm not alone is all a persona, what people see in me isn't me, i put fake emotions on because i can't be arsed to discuss it with people, no one around can really understand because i don't understand, i tailor myself to other peoples liking but i have no issue with that, their liking is close to the "real me" in sense of humour.
i've tried so many things to "become a better person" or to "improve myself and my mentality" but no matter what or how much i do, i just end up in the same place, feeling the same. i can't seem to outrun it anymore.
i'm not satisfied with anything i do anymore, depression has taken away everything i enjoyed from gaming to socializing. i used to love but i avoid it for being a burden on anyone else.
if people ask what's wrong, i just reply with "i'm tired", if they keep digging, "i've just been working on myself" but i can only use them so much.
i set my ctb date to be before or when i'm 25, only 3 more years to go, i picked that age when i was around 13/15. i haven't thought about how i'll go about it, but i'll figure it out in the next 2 years.
i feel like i set 25 years old cause it'll give me time to try things, live my life and hope that "it gets better" but the main thing what's keeping me here right now is my mother.
orignally i cared about how all my family would feel after my death but i've gone past the point of caring about how they'd feel, they're strong, they'd be able to cope, maybe not right away obviously but they'd get there, i've been distancing myself from everyone for a reason.
i dream about just buying a one way plane ticket somewhere but why will that stop me feeling like how i currently do after the first few months there?
i'd much rather live my animal crossing life even if i get into millions of debt.
the last time i felt worry free, happy, carefree was when i dropped acid. do i do it again? will it become a regular thing? will i need to rely on it?
am i selfish? do i deserve any of this? do i deserve more? will i ever want to actually live? will this ever stop?
do i start taking meds again? do i try therapy? do i just suck it up and continue until something other than me kills me? will i ever stop questioning everything? am i alone?
here's to the next 3 years.
g'night and thanks for coming to my bullshit tedtalk.
----
i do and i don't know why, my life has been great, i have no phyical health problems, my childhood was absolutely fine.
since birth until i was 13/14 my mother was single parenting me and 3 siblings but she nailed it, provided everything any of us could ask for.
i've had decent paying jobs for the past 5/6 years, i basically have or have access to whatever i want, aside from happiness. admittedly my current workplace is utter toxic and takes a mental toll on me.
no amount of purchases will provide me long-time happiness.
for some reason i just dislike life and have done since a young age, and it's hard to explain why. i remember often expressing how i felt when i was younger but just getting told
"you shouldn't be saying things like that" and since then, i've basically kept myself bottled up and very very rarely express how i actually feel cause i struggle to find words.
i would really love to be able to take someones health problems away from them and let them live a happy, worry free life.
everything i do when i'm not alone is all a persona, what people see in me isn't me, i put fake emotions on because i can't be arsed to discuss it with people, no one around can really understand because i don't understand, i tailor myself to other peoples liking but i have no issue with that, their liking is close to the "real me" in sense of humour.
i've tried so many things to "become a better person" or to "improve myself and my mentality" but no matter what or how much i do, i just end up in the same place, feeling the same. i can't seem to outrun it anymore.
i'm not satisfied with anything i do anymore, depression has taken away everything i enjoyed from gaming to socializing. i used to love but i avoid it for being a burden on anyone else.
if people ask what's wrong, i just reply with "i'm tired", if they keep digging, "i've just been working on myself" but i can only use them so much.
i set my ctb date to be before or when i'm 25, only 3 more years to go, i picked that age when i was around 13/15. i haven't thought about how i'll go about it, but i'll figure it out in the next 2 years.
i feel like i set 25 years old cause it'll give me time to try things, live my life and hope that "it gets better" but the main thing what's keeping me here right now is my mother.
orignally i cared about how all my family would feel after my death but i've gone past the point of caring about how they'd feel, they're strong, they'd be able to cope, maybe not right away obviously but they'd get there, i've been distancing myself from everyone for a reason.
i dream about just buying a one way plane ticket somewhere but why will that stop me feeling like how i currently do after the first few months there?
i'd much rather live my animal crossing life even if i get into millions of debt.
the last time i felt worry free, happy, carefree was when i dropped acid. do i do it again? will it become a regular thing? will i need to rely on it?
am i selfish? do i deserve any of this? do i deserve more? will i ever want to actually live? will this ever stop?
do i start taking meds again? do i try therapy? do i just suck it up and continue until something other than me kills me? will i ever stop questioning everything? am i alone?
here's to the next 3 years.
g'night and thanks for coming to my bullshit tedtalk.
