Do you even have “good” days anymore?

[Chronicillness]

Ever since the worst day of my life, a morning in 2013, I have never been the same. I haven't had a day that wasn't marred by consternation, a gripping sensation of deep regret, and suicidality.

I've been in life circumstances that look like happy ones on the surface, but the feeling of trauma and violation are at the core of my being and I cannot rid myself of them. They go wherever I go. I could be granted a picturesque life, but I'll never be able to remove the physical and emotional changes that took place on that day.

I haven't had a "good" day since then.

 

[Sakura94]

In retrospect many of them might be considered good days but most just feel like soup when in it.

 

[gomenasai]

I understand your sentiment as my life also got destroyed in a split second.

 

[Hirokami]

The last time I was at my happiest was back in 2017 ... Then something took that away for good. I don't have "good days" anymore. Just days where I can cope slightly easier.

I, too, struggle with traumatic experiences. And those traumas caused my mental illnesses to go haywire and me to hate myself. I can't remember the last time I didn't feel at least a little dead inside, even when supposedly "good" things were happening.

 

[sleeps]

not in a while. some days are definitely more bearable than others but "good" is pushing it

 

[NoLightRemains]

I'd say I have some good days. Sure, they aren't ever as good as they were pre-2020, before becoming even more traumatized and in chronic pain, but it's just enough to make me unsure if I can actually commit to CTB. I'm on an upswing now even, but always drawn to the temptation of suicide.

 

[makethepainstop]

I'd rather not have any days. My position is no longer tenable. Time to bring this to a logically calculated conclusion.

 

[outrider567]

No, not since January

 

[almaranthine]

Since the spring of 2015, when I experienced my first manic/psychotic episode (after being raped and then cruelly rejected/blamed by my closest friend)... I cannot say that I have ever been happy or stable again. The lack of care and awareness of my family members whom I stayed with back and forth (because I never finished college, never got a good paying job, thus could not afford to live on my own etc) was astounding. Despite being clearly unwell, either completely manic/psychotic or horrifically depressed... nothing seemed to phase them any longer. I disappeared for 3 days once. My car broke down in the middle of nowhere and I finally had to contact family. They had literally reported me missing. The next day they acted like nothing had happened. I've been thinking about this a lot lately (perhaps so I feel less guilty about emotionally traumatizing any of them through my suicide) and it's genuinely insane to me now that so much crazy shit happened and no one even bothered to try to get me any real help when I was younger. They really shouldn't be goddamned surprised when I do it.

 

[StolenLife]

Last time I felt okay at least was sometime in early 2015. Ever since then I can count the amount of worthwile memories on one hand.

 

[Sad_Sack]

Never. Its been years now. I seemed to cross some kind of line of no relief with my health and brain issues.

 

[hellispink]

I have lived with severe depression for years. I also have a personality disprder. My life itself, doesn't matter if good things are happening or not, is a rollercoaster. I have PAIN engraved to my heart, to my verses, to my tears and pain. I will never be able to escape these demons that destroy me every single day. Life itself is a daily torture, I haven't smile in years because I refuse to do something I cannot truly feel. Hey, I don't even FEEL anymore. It has gotten to the point where all I know is darkness and demons, even if the sun is out and I go to the ocean to observe the beauty of it, in my heart everything is shattered, everything is poisoned, everything is lost and I don't even know why. In me, the only thing that exists is emptiness.

 

[FuneralCry]

I've never wanted to be here at all. I don't even know what a 'good' day would be like. There is nothing even good about existing, any positive emotion or feeling is only a delusion for people to lose and cause them to inevitably suffer more.
But I never feel anything positive towards life, when life itself is the problem only to die could make sense. I hate being conscious and being trapped in this human body. Everything just makes me feel more tired and worse, I'm tired of the same thoughts. There is nothing more comforting than the thought of eternal dreamless sleep.

 

[Someday_Somehow32]

I think good is too strong of a word, but I have moments (possibly even seconds) of just good. Yet in the end it always ends the same

 

[mindless]

I'm glad to have 'neutral' days or hours sometimes. Where functioning isn't really made almost impossible by thoughts I can't get rid of. Can't seem to hold on to those moments though..

 

[idontknovv]

no i dont feel anything at all its so boring

 

[September5th]

It happens... Once in a blue moon. But it happens

No, not since January

Fuck April, by the way. Fuck April 5th when you joined this board. Worst week of my life.
We deserve better than this shitty 2022

 

[Sprite_Geist]

Yes. Yesterday and the day before were good, happy days for me; the same goes for most of previous week too. Good days happen consecutively for me, but then there is always something random - either a mean-spirited individual or event - that breaks it. Some people would say that this is "just life", and maybe they are correct.

 

[DarknessAtNoon]

I am in a similar situation. I have always been depressed but I completely lost the ability to feel happiness one day in 2018 when my dentist inexplicably drilled away a huge amount of healthy enamel from all my teeth on the right side of my mouth, forever ruining my bite. I quite honestly don't think I have gone through a 5 minute span since that time without feeling immense regret at not stopping my dentist from doing what he did. It has also opened up a well of anger towards my parents, as it was their complete neglect of my dental hygiene as a child that ultimately led to this.

 

[Anonymus]

Today is a good day for me (for now), I'm just tense and nervous, but I'm not nauseous, nor dizzy, my hands don't hurt, nor my stomach, I don't see blurry, I don't have strong vertigo... Do I dare to leave the house for a walk? Well, no. Do I draw again?, no. Can I play video games again? I dare not.
Do I have the ability to solve my immediate problems? But today is a good day... just remembering the worst, today is a magnificent day!.

But if I want to get out of it I need to be better, I would like to enjoy this life in my own way not that of others. Being aware of my existence has always pleased me, the pity is that I cannot go further due to my health and the impositions of my mind (I have to cross the limits once!).

I want better days than today, but if they were all like today I wouldn't be sorry either.

//

Avuí es un día bó per mi (de moment), només estic tens i nerviós, però no tinc nàusees, ni marejos, no em fan mal les mans, ni la panxa, no veig borrós, no tinc vertigens forts... m'atreveixo a sortir de casa per passejar?, doncs no. Torno a dibuixar?, no. Puc jugar altre cop a videojocs?, no m'atreveixo.
Tinc capacitat per resoldre els meus problemes inmediats?, tampoc. Però avuí és un día bò... només de recordar els pitjors, avuí és un día magnífic!.

Peró si vull sortir-me'n necessito estar millor, m'agradaría gaudir d'aquesta vida a la meva manera no a la dels altres. Ser conscient de la meva existéncia sempre m'ha agradat, la llàstima es no poder anar més enllà degut a la meva salut i les imposicions de la meva ment (he de rebassar els límits d'una vegada!).

Vull dies millor que el d'avuí, però si fossin tots com el d'avuí tampoc em sabría greu.

 

[lifeORdeath]

I fooled myself had a couple of "good" days the last day or so.
Then woke up this morning feeling doom and ask why the hell am I still here and didn't want to get out of bed, and daydreamed of the worst scenarios.

 

[DonTellMeToStayAlive]

The last time I was at my happiest was back in 2017 ... Then something took that away for good. I don't have "good days" anymore. Just days where I can cope slightly easier.

I, too, struggle with traumatic experiences. And those traumas caused my mental illnesses to go haywire and me to hate myself. I can't remember the last time I didn't feel at least a little dead inside, even when supposedly "good" things were happening.

I don't have "good days" anymore. Just days where I can cope slightly easier.

major m00d. I relate. In fact sometimes I have attempted after days that felt kinda nice, in the wish to end life on a high note (though not always, sometimes I have tried to ride that wave of being able to cope and waiting for time to push me over the edge)

Life just sucks honestly, and I want a way out

 

[spectraltease]

Ever since the worst day of my life, a morning in 2013, I have never been the same. I haven't had a day that wasn't marred by consternation, a gripping sensation of deep regret, and suicidality.

I've been in life circumstances that look like happy ones on the surface, but the feeling of trauma and violation are at the core of my being and I cannot rid myself of them. They go wherever I go. I could be granted a picturesque life, but I'll never be able to remove the physical and emotional changes that took place on that day.

I haven't had a "good" day since then.

I do but I only do because it ends soon anyway.

 

[Silent.Tears]

Hahahahah what is that

 

[Callie Arcale]

Last good day I had was sometimes in 2008 or there about. I'm such a waste.

 

[magnog]

By the best definition of "good" I can think of, having good days would be (somewhat) easily achievable for me. I just think the concept of goodness is really stupid.

 

[Sniffer]

Four and a half years ago. It was part of my beautiful past life. Thing is I have a beautiful life waiting for me now but I suffer from the most severe rare myogenic Tinnitus that rips my skull apart every day. To have this incurable wall between me and a perfect life kills me.

I have no choice but to CTB. I've fought 3 years with not a second of peace but I'm done now.

 

[eryu]

It's been many years. Sometimes days happen that aren't quite as bad but to call them good would feel like a cruel joke.
Even 10+ years ago, days I might have called good would be, to an average person, mediocre at best. What was going on inside all the time was horrific and made any enjoyment impossible. I only would call a day "good" then out of delusion and forced optimism.

 

[LastFlowers]

Hell fucking no.

And idk that I ever did.
Even childhood was only held up by the naïve wish for a miracle which was never to come..
a nightmare stepped forward in its place.

 

[JakeMarley22]

Occasionally I have pretty okay days. It happens so rarely that a lot of the time I end up feeling like I don't know how to handle it, and can often stress myself out back into a bad day because I don't know how to handle looking at what my life is like in the cold light of day.