[It's not obligatory to read, it's too long]
I don't know, i obviously wish to ctb successfully and it sucks that it takes a lot of planification, effort, motivation and time, I anyways don't have any way out to my access and it's so frustrating. and obviously my fear is to fail, I wish the methods were all easy, reliable and quick, and possibly painless too but im asking too much already. But i just have no way out anyways, for that id have to work, force myself to put/have "interest", "energy", "motivation", "desire", "strength" and all that crap to the 'job'/'profession',whatever the fuck that is, and id be with people and id have to wait idk how many years until i have "enough money" to buy a damned house and ugh no*, that's too much to wait and so many efforts and sacrifices like having to force myself to "care about" things and put "interest" and "dedication"/"motivation" and all that crap into 'things'/'job' and all that crap and siiiigh what a nightmare, that's so exhausting, i wish it was as easy as pressing a button and that's it but the reality is that ill have to go through all this crap even though i simply just don't give a shit about/don't want/don't have any "interest" for absolutely ANYTHING and wish i never had to move any fucking finger at all and that this 'thing' called 'human body' "im" in was completely inert but well... i literally just dont want to do any single fucking thing but i have no choice but do and move/think/say/speak etc and other shit like that or else ill be suspicious and taken to a psychiatrist/psychologist assuming that i have "depression" and insisting for a "reason" (lol there's no reason dammit, its not because of any f reason, why there has to be one....) And forcing me to take meds and all that crap, i try to avoid that happening at all costs no matter how exhausting is to pretend and force myself to continue etc all the fucking time. Im not in any "rush" ,im not "suffering" nor anything like that, (i have a 'good'/'normal'/'great' 'life' and i couldn't care any less.)(*I dont want to have any fucking house nor apartment nor literally any other thing sigh, why it has to be so difficult to just disappear, what if im "suffering" (that's not my case, that's the case of all of you, but not mine) or i SIMPLY just don't give a shit about 'life' nor anything and i simply just don't want to participate in it nor live/do/experience it however it is etc neither 'explore' 'the world'/'planer earth' nor literally any other thing?, and well as much as i simply just literally don't give a shit about 'life'/'the world'/'planet earth' in general nor literally any other thing of any fucking type/kind/way no matter how it is, (and no it's not because of any damned reason) 'my parents'/'my family' ((or whatever 'my' 'parents' mean/are and i dont give a shit that they're 'nice'/'kind'/'supportive'/'loving' to 'me' and that they 'want'/'love'/'value'/'appreciate'/'support' 'me', I don't give a shit. I don't want anything/anyone to have any "value" nor "importance" not "relevance" nor "utility" nor "meaning" nor any other "positive" shit like that. I couldn't care less if im "valuable", "important", "worthy" or whatever other """positive"" x thing lol I don't want to be any way at all. [or whatever that means lol i couldn't care any less jfc why do "I" have to care about 'something' and give 'things' 'importance' and all that crap what if i literally simply just dont want anything at all without it being "because of a reason" why isn't that possible ... It sucks that 'this' is an obligation and that i can't simply just not give a damm shit about it/not want it/not 'be' 'interested' in it at all nor any other thing, but wel...) or whatever other "positive" thing, i just don't care ffs i don't give a shit about anything from/about 'life'/'the world'/'planet earth', everything/anything in general whatever/however that hing is)) would be 'traumatized'/'shocked'/'hurt'/'devastated' and my 'mother' or whatever/'whoever' 'my' 'mother' is) (i put the 'words' between 's bc i couldn't give any less of a fuck about the meaning) would also be crying and well blah blah, that would obviously will never make me not ctb, I definitely will (ha, i wish. If only i could) anyways however they'll be/react and that if it hurts them, which will and i guess i actually I feel "sad"/"bad" for them because they care about life and things and blah blah and they 'dont want to lose their child' and blaaaah blah blah and well it's actually a bit shocking to imagine the scenes where they find the body and cry and can't believe it and are devastated/traumatized/shocked but well, what can i do about that? I won't stay 'here' and exist /live 'life'/'enjoy life' etc etc just because they want me to and just because they are 'my parents' and 'brought me here'. What if i just don't want to? I have nothing against anyone nor anything, I just dont care at all and dont want to care. Im sorry if they'll suffer and if theyll be devastated but that will never change 'my mind', i will always want to just disappear and crave/desire non-existence anyways. I will never give a shit about 'life'/'the world'/'planet earth' nor literally any other thing no matter what. (i actually couldn't give any fucking less of a damn and you all can call me "cold-hearted" "cruel" "broken" and all that ""negative"" things all you want, i just don't care. I mean why do "I" have to 'do'/'experience'/'live' a 'thing' called 'life' (or whatever other 'name' it could've been given, and i dont only not want 'life'/'human life' in general nor any other of 'these things' and 'places' that 'we' were 'brought to' called 'planet Earth'/'the world' etc, i don't want ANYTHING AT ALL in general, I. JUST. DONT) but well, im sorry and well it's kinda 'sad' to imagine their reaction crying/screaming because of impotence and being shocked/traumatized/hurt/devastated (i guess 'my mother' would even commit suicide if i die, but as ""cruel"" [[i dont give a shit if it sounds "cruel" or whatever]] as it sounds, i don't care. I just don't want to exist at all nor 'do'/'experience' anything anywhere and it's not be. I dont "hate" nor "dislike" 'her' or whatever, nor any other thing and she has never done anything "bad/"terrible"/"painful" to 'me', she /'my father' nor anyone else has ever make me "suffer" at all in any way about anything, and she and 'my father' want me to be/want me to 'happy'/'healthy'//"do what I want/what 'makes me happy'/'what 'i enjoy'/'what I like'"/"all 'the best' for me"/"be 'however'/'whoever'/'whatever' I want to be"/"live my life and life in general 'the way I want to', literally anything/everything 'good'/'positive' that you can imagine, im allowed to "anything I want"/"whatever I want" and all that crap AND I SERIOUSLY JUST DONT CARE. I'm supposed to act "grateful" or whatever "being 'grateful'" means but i literally just dont care at all, i just dont want nor need anything, why do "I"? i just need an explanation. Why isn't possible to literally just not want to and just not care at all about not only 'life' very very generally speaking, but literally anything at all, not only 'the world' in general (not reffering to anything in particular/specific, and I couldn't care any less is 'the world'/'planet earth' is a """bad place"""" or a """good place""" lol i dont care, i just don't. Its completely indifferent to me, everything/anything no matter what/how it is, it's completely indifferent to me and will always be.), not only 'planet earth' in general, but literally anything , from/about 'these things'/'places' and "beyond", i just dont want anything. I keep trying to understand what's so ""wrong"" about literally just not wanting 'existence' in general, any 'existence', nor any sort/type/kind/way of 'life'/'world'/'planet' nor literally any other thing, ok for most 'people' all this sounds """boring"""/"""depressing""" (as if i gave a fucking shit lol) but it's WHAT I WANT. The ONLY THING IVE ALWAYS WANTED/WILL ALWAYS WANT AND THE ONLY THING ILL EVER WANT TO WANT. i have NO problem at all with that although well, i know that whoever reads this will make typical assumptions.)) DONT WANT NOT ONLY ANY OF THAT, I DONT WANT ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING IN GENERAL. and i just cant understand where's the f problem. {{{I don't want to do any fucking thing of any fucking type/way/kind ffs, i dont want to be 'happy' nor 'healthy' nor any other """positive"""" way/thing whatever that is, and i dont want to be any "kind of 'person'" nor any fucking way in general at all, and I don't want to live 'life' in general /'my life' in any way at all, i dont want to do anything at all with/in 'my life'/'life' in general and I don't want to have/live any 'life' of any 'type'/'kind'/'way' at all. I. Just. Don't. That's it. And it's POSSIBLE to LITERALLY SIMPLY JUST NOT WANT, PERMANENTLY, without being "because of 'depression'/'trauma'/'bad life'/'low selfesteem'/'bad situation'/'illness'/'loneliness'/'suffering and pain'/'boredom'/'emptiness'/'apathy'/'loss of interest'/'loss of motivation'/'chemical imbalance' nor literally ANY other 'reason') but what if I literally just dont want to 'be part of'/'participate in'/'live'/'do'/'experience' 'life' nor 'the world' nor 'planet earth' nor literally any other thing and simply just don't care about/don't have ANY 'interest' (and don't want to 'have it' and never will no matter what/how it is, what it is about/how it works, the way it is, the "life standard" that there is, whatever things there are/it has, no matter what happens neither how what happens happen etc. the question is WHY, why I have to) about 'life' nor in general any other single thing? I don't want to be 'brought' anywhere nor 'experience' any thing at all. I just don't.
I fucking wish i had a method/way out but sigh for that to be possible without any risks/worries and more or less guarantee a "reliable"/"painless"/"quick"/"successful" and not have problems buying Sn or a rope (because no, i wouldnt risk buying n if i could, i mean that's like the dream but nahh i simply just want to disappear and i dont care if there's pain involved, at least ill know that as soon as it ends ill be FINALLY nothing nowhere at all and wow.. i wish that so much that but instead im inevitably 'something'/'someone' , a 'living being'/'human being'/'person' or whatever that is (i dont want to be any 'human' nor 'person' nor literally any orher thing), 'im' 'here' (i dont want to 'be' ANYWHERE at all no matter what/how the fuck it is etc , im not 'suffering' nor have 'bad life' nor literally any other "negative"/"bad" thing and so what lol, i don't give a fucking shit) attempt id have to get a job and have own money/own house and all that crap and no for fucks sake no that takes many years and ewww id have to force myself to pretend that there's a job that i "want"/"care about"/have "interest" for and all that crap/"like" (its not that I "like" or "dislike" things, i neither "dislike"/"hate" nor "like"/"love" anything nor anyone in general, I just DONT care,never cared and never will) and all that and id have to force myself to have "interest", "motivation", "energy", "will", "desire", "strength", "dedication" and other garbage like that when 'working' (or whatever the fuck 'work', 'working' means, i dont want to do any fucking type of thing for fuck's sake i just DONT, i just don't give a damn shit about anything);also id have to see / be with 'people' and 'interact'/'socialize'/'communicate' with them and no please no ugh , its not "social anxiety" nor any other thing like that, I don't have any type of 'depression'/'anxiety' about anything, its that i simply am just not "interested" in anyone/people in general no matter how/who/what 'they' 'are', and wish i could avoid every social contact possible at all costs because I simply just couldn't care any less about anything/anyone, again I don't "dislike" nor "hate" anyone, I have nothing against anything nor anyone, it's that i simply have no "interest" in anything nor anyone and i simply NEVER will. (and never had and never will, and don't ask for a reason because there isn't any, and I've never been 'bullied' nor 'abused' nor any other thing like that, in case there are people already making assumptions and who wonder that, no, there isn't any reason at all, and nothing "bad" has ever happened to 'me'/in 'my life'. It's that i simply just have no interest nor desire at all for anyone at all, it's overwhelming and frustrating for me to have no choice but be around people and have to 'see' them and 'talk' to 'them' , i just wish i wasnt anything and all that I didn't exist at all but well, im inside a meat carcass/suit, a vessel, whatever it is, couldn't care any less, called 'human body' and "I" have no choice but 'use'/'move' it and 'take care of' it and all that crap or else 'my parents' will be suspicious and take me to a psychologist and say: "oUr dAuGhTeR dOeSnT cArE aBoUt hEr ApPaReAncE aNd sHe sHoUlD uNlEsS sHe hAs dEPrEsSiOn, aPatHy aNd loSs Of InTeReSt aNd mOtIvAtIoN oR wHatEvEr oThEr rEaSoN, iS sHe dEpReSsEd? WhAt hApPeNs tO hEr?" Why the f do "I" have to....(as if ie gave a fucking shit what "appearance", "health", "hygiene" and all that fucking shit is lol i just don't want to be anything for fucks sake i couldn't care less about 'life' nor any other thing i simply just don't give not even a single fuck and i simply just dont want to 'experience'/'do'/'live'/'know about'/'learn from'/' it sucks that I have to depend on it to finally just not be anything at all nor be anywhere at all/not exist at all. I just don't want to be inside any 'human body' nor inside any other 'thing' in general. I can't just get rid of 'being'/'existing' and finally not exist at all for eternity, so, ill have to keep pretending and faking that life "interests" me and all that to not be suspicious and not be sent to a psychiatrist/psychologist assuming that im "depressed" and other things like that and forcing me to take meds and attend therapy and other sh_t like that I neither want nor need.
