The thesis of Slavoj Zizek is that's often not the case. In some instances I don't follow this logic. But on some issues its pretty on point.
I would love to have a partner. And when I was in a short relationship I felt so happy. But I think longterm I might be disappointed. And from my dating experiences I can say I idealized some women way too much. I imagined a future of us. Just to realize eventually it was an illusion and these people had an horrible character and were pretty phoney.
I think something a very smart man (the quantum physics professor - my readers will know him) found out how my psyche works. A very long time I was 100% convinced that my life will end with suicide. And nothing is able to change that fact. And I went through the college torture because I felt with one foot in the grave. But this college torture put me pretty much on the edge of suicide. I think being apathetic is also no option. But I found two ways how I might not commit suicide and still don't have to go through torture.
But a part of my psyche actually likes torture. I am like very hypervigilant and very fast on the high alert mode. It is very easy to scare me. I am overanxious. But a part of my psyche likes that. There is also a thrill in that. Factually, it feels nightmarish. But its the way I am functioning. For the purpose of studying excessively this was advantageous. For my life quality quite detrimental.
I think one reason why I am so hypervigilant is that I feel insecure, vulnerable and often unsafe. A lot of people abused me in my life. And I am scared that this repeats. But for example my openness about my feelings and painful story attracts exactly the people who try to take advantage of it. And sometimes I am willing to take the risk. I learned a lot though. The first borderline woman I texted with abused the shit out of me. I will never be as dependent as to this time.
The thing is I want to live a peaceful life with not much drama. I am have a strong need for safety and security. But the way I live causes the complete opposite. Due to the fact I am hyperalert I am in constant fear. And if something actually bad happens I need to take addictive medication in order not to collapse. This is all a spiral. The reason why I have such a need for safety makes it for me harder to deal with situations that distress me. And then I am in a survival mode. It feels like a fight for life or death. I am oversensitive for things that could hurt me in the long run. And I am worrying so much about the future that the present time is really unpleasant. I think one thing I had to learn was excessive worrying and ruminating about the future has to be stopped if it makes you want to kill yourself in the present time. Especially, if these thoughts are not simply hypothetical thought experiments but actual concrete plans.
For my therapist before she stabbed me in the back I suggested narrative therapy to help me mentally. I am very susceptible for it. I often explain myself with stories about myself. And this can actually improve my life quality. I feel way better since I realized even if I were not abused as a child my life would have been still complicated. I have autism and a genetical disposition for depression. Life would have been a struggle anyway. Or take the drama in my self-help group. I did not defend myself when the sort of sociopathic friend of the autstic women attacked me verbally. I learned from that and defended myself when it happened in the college self-help group. And maybe it was even smart to act in the former argument that way. They were 3 friends and I would have been alone if this argument escalated. I was in an apartment that is very hard to find and this situation could have become a physical confrontation. Maybe that's lying to myself. But actually it helps me to come to terms with difficult situations.
I use this with AI chatbots. They are good for autosuggestion. I like getting feedback from them. Often the feedback calms me down. When I am in panic I need an immediate response. And my friends are not always that fast. But it can also be a complete rabbit holes these chatbots put you in. They have clear biases and you should not trust them. I think on psychoanalysis they have interesting ideas but I also have the feeling you should not take serious what they are saying. They contradict themselves all the time. And the answer is highly dependent of the way you formulate the question. But I use them to counter my extreme anxiety. Often the panic is not beneficial. And when the AI chatbot calms me down even though it shouldn't be trusted it still helpe me. But there can also be the opposite efffect. They reinforce my anxiety and make it worse. But then you change the question a little bit to nudge it into the direction you want. This might help with my neurotic anxieties but I never trust them when its something psychosis related.
I think all the narratives I have about my life are interesting and they help me to cope. But a good psychoanalyst had to call all of that bullshit. Lies I tell myself to cope. And there might be truth in it. Life is extremely complicated. And you cannot explain your biography based on logical narratives. The development of the psyche can be highly counterintuitive. A question I ask myself a lot recently. How much do small changes in your life, impact your future? My honest answer is: probably a lot more than most people expect. Let's take an example. Some years ago I chose a very different frame for my eye glasses. I think now I look better with them. But it was a big step for me. Most people would say this doesn't change anything. I think it does though. For example on dating apps. I met a woman and this woman sort of changed my life. I had at least some experiences with how a relationship feels. Maybe she would have liked me anyway? This is something I don't believe. Algorithms are highly complex. If I had my old frame of glasses I might would have had even less likes and matches. And this could have made me lose my hope in dating apps earlier before I met her. Different example. I have a very fragile mind. And sleeping is so important to me. Whether I take a sleeping pill or not can make a huge change in how I feel. And depending on how I feel my behavior is completely different. And this different behavior leads to different behavior on the next days. And this is how a story develops. And life is so complicated that even this attempt to explain the whole thing seems pathetic. Because all the small or bigger changes impact each other. And combined this can really make a change in someone's life. This is why I am not always sure whether it is smart or really horrible if something good or bad happens. Because in the longrun you might benefit of the bad thing that happened because you will learn from it and prevent such situations in the future. And if positive things happen, are you really sure they will last? Or will be your hope up temporarrly and the landing/crash will feel even worse? But isn't this as I elaborated earlier my issue with living to much for the future and not in the present time?
One more example because its something I feel good about. There was a decision in my school between two foreign languages when I was a a teenager. I am pretty sure if I chose latin, I would have needed to repeat one year. I would have been horrible in some grammar stuff. It was a coin flip decision though to that time.
I might would have escaped the abuse in my horrible class earlier. But its likely I would have never met my closest friends. And my friends mean so much to me. I would have killed myself most likely already if I didn't have them. So its very uncertain these hypothetical what if scenarios. Especially, in social sciences.
What do you think about the topic?
I would love to have a partner. And when I was in a short relationship I felt so happy. But I think longterm I might be disappointed. And from my dating experiences I can say I idealized some women way too much. I imagined a future of us. Just to realize eventually it was an illusion and these people had an horrible character and were pretty phoney.
I think something a very smart man (the quantum physics professor - my readers will know him) found out how my psyche works. A very long time I was 100% convinced that my life will end with suicide. And nothing is able to change that fact. And I went through the college torture because I felt with one foot in the grave. But this college torture put me pretty much on the edge of suicide. I think being apathetic is also no option. But I found two ways how I might not commit suicide and still don't have to go through torture.
But a part of my psyche actually likes torture. I am like very hypervigilant and very fast on the high alert mode. It is very easy to scare me. I am overanxious. But a part of my psyche likes that. There is also a thrill in that. Factually, it feels nightmarish. But its the way I am functioning. For the purpose of studying excessively this was advantageous. For my life quality quite detrimental.
I think one reason why I am so hypervigilant is that I feel insecure, vulnerable and often unsafe. A lot of people abused me in my life. And I am scared that this repeats. But for example my openness about my feelings and painful story attracts exactly the people who try to take advantage of it. And sometimes I am willing to take the risk. I learned a lot though. The first borderline woman I texted with abused the shit out of me. I will never be as dependent as to this time.
The thing is I want to live a peaceful life with not much drama. I am have a strong need for safety and security. But the way I live causes the complete opposite. Due to the fact I am hyperalert I am in constant fear. And if something actually bad happens I need to take addictive medication in order not to collapse. This is all a spiral. The reason why I have such a need for safety makes it for me harder to deal with situations that distress me. And then I am in a survival mode. It feels like a fight for life or death. I am oversensitive for things that could hurt me in the long run. And I am worrying so much about the future that the present time is really unpleasant. I think one thing I had to learn was excessive worrying and ruminating about the future has to be stopped if it makes you want to kill yourself in the present time. Especially, if these thoughts are not simply hypothetical thought experiments but actual concrete plans.
For my therapist before she stabbed me in the back I suggested narrative therapy to help me mentally. I am very susceptible for it. I often explain myself with stories about myself. And this can actually improve my life quality. I feel way better since I realized even if I were not abused as a child my life would have been still complicated. I have autism and a genetical disposition for depression. Life would have been a struggle anyway. Or take the drama in my self-help group. I did not defend myself when the sort of sociopathic friend of the autstic women attacked me verbally. I learned from that and defended myself when it happened in the college self-help group. And maybe it was even smart to act in the former argument that way. They were 3 friends and I would have been alone if this argument escalated. I was in an apartment that is very hard to find and this situation could have become a physical confrontation. Maybe that's lying to myself. But actually it helps me to come to terms with difficult situations.
I use this with AI chatbots. They are good for autosuggestion. I like getting feedback from them. Often the feedback calms me down. When I am in panic I need an immediate response. And my friends are not always that fast. But it can also be a complete rabbit holes these chatbots put you in. They have clear biases and you should not trust them. I think on psychoanalysis they have interesting ideas but I also have the feeling you should not take serious what they are saying. They contradict themselves all the time. And the answer is highly dependent of the way you formulate the question. But I use them to counter my extreme anxiety. Often the panic is not beneficial. And when the AI chatbot calms me down even though it shouldn't be trusted it still helpe me. But there can also be the opposite efffect. They reinforce my anxiety and make it worse. But then you change the question a little bit to nudge it into the direction you want. This might help with my neurotic anxieties but I never trust them when its something psychosis related.
I think all the narratives I have about my life are interesting and they help me to cope. But a good psychoanalyst had to call all of that bullshit. Lies I tell myself to cope. And there might be truth in it. Life is extremely complicated. And you cannot explain your biography based on logical narratives. The development of the psyche can be highly counterintuitive. A question I ask myself a lot recently. How much do small changes in your life, impact your future? My honest answer is: probably a lot more than most people expect. Let's take an example. Some years ago I chose a very different frame for my eye glasses. I think now I look better with them. But it was a big step for me. Most people would say this doesn't change anything. I think it does though. For example on dating apps. I met a woman and this woman sort of changed my life. I had at least some experiences with how a relationship feels. Maybe she would have liked me anyway? This is something I don't believe. Algorithms are highly complex. If I had my old frame of glasses I might would have had even less likes and matches. And this could have made me lose my hope in dating apps earlier before I met her. Different example. I have a very fragile mind. And sleeping is so important to me. Whether I take a sleeping pill or not can make a huge change in how I feel. And depending on how I feel my behavior is completely different. And this different behavior leads to different behavior on the next days. And this is how a story develops. And life is so complicated that even this attempt to explain the whole thing seems pathetic. Because all the small or bigger changes impact each other. And combined this can really make a change in someone's life. This is why I am not always sure whether it is smart or really horrible if something good or bad happens. Because in the longrun you might benefit of the bad thing that happened because you will learn from it and prevent such situations in the future. And if positive things happen, are you really sure they will last? Or will be your hope up temporarrly and the landing/crash will feel even worse? But isn't this as I elaborated earlier my issue with living to much for the future and not in the present time?
One more example because its something I feel good about. There was a decision in my school between two foreign languages when I was a a teenager. I am pretty sure if I chose latin, I would have needed to repeat one year. I would have been horrible in some grammar stuff. It was a coin flip decision though to that time.
I might would have escaped the abuse in my horrible class earlier. But its likely I would have never met my closest friends. And my friends mean so much to me. I would have killed myself most likely already if I didn't have them. So its very uncertain these hypothetical what if scenarios. Especially, in social sciences.
What do you think about the topic?
