Venting Do not even know what to do anymore

[NekiLik]

I tried four times to CTB but never succeeded. First time at 20 I tried to OD on sleeping pills but just ended up vomiting them. Last year I tried to hang myself but stopped after making a noose for myself, I just didn't dare to do it. I also tried OD on Xanax but did not succeed. About 3 weeks ago I tried to take Xanax then drank a bunch of Alcohol and then more Xanaxes after which I stopped breathing, after waking up and seeing I was still there I tried to cut my veins in desperation, but my friend informed my mother who called an ambulance to me. They took me into a psychiatric hospital and drugged the hell out of me. All the time there I was lying to all the staff about how it was accidental and only was thinking of the best way to either run away and throw myself off some skyscraper or wait until I got out and try to OD again. I was released a few days ago and I feel like shit, I just want to end it all if possible before May, but I am terrified of surviving it and ending up in a hospital again.

 

[mortuarymary]

Need to research more reliable methods

 

[GroundControl]

Hey! I am going through a somewhat similar thing right now. My first attempt was when I was 11, and I've attempted almost yearly since then, with consistent failure. I am also afraid of attempting again - you aren't alone. Failure and hospitalization is a scary thought.

Personally, I started looking into more reliable methods with calculations that can provide reassurance of success. While a lot of the stuff here is very confusing, it's worth looking into.

I wish you the best in your journey.

 

[Doemu]

We are more afraid from hospital, than anything. I hope you finally find your way to peace.

 

[NekiLik]

Need to research more reliable methods

Is there a place on this site where I can start? I am new here so I don't know where to start. I see a lot of SN but I don't know where to find it. Tried looking online if there is anyone locally who sells it but haven't found anything.

 

[rozeske]

Is there a place on this site where I can start? I am new here so I don't know where to start. I see a lot of SN but I don't know where to find it. Tried looking online if there is anyone locally who sells it but haven't found anything.

The things you tried are pretty much non lethal with about 2% efficiency. If you keep going at it you will only risk long term damage. Go through the resources section.

 

[mortuarymary]

Is there a place on this site where I can start? I am new here so I don't know where to start. I see a lot of SN but I don't know where to find it. Tried looking online if there is anyone locally who sells it but haven't found anything.

Are you on the dark web?

 

[NekiLik]

Are you on the dark web?

No, I have no experience with it.

 

[mortuarymary]

Then read threads on here regarding methods etc. some successful some not.

 

[letsmakeitagoodworl]

H

I tried four times to CTB but never succeeded. First time at 20 I tried to OD on sleeping pills but just ended up vomiting them. Last year I tried to hang myself but stopped after making a noose for myself, I just didn't dare to do it. I also tried OD on Xanax but did not succeed. About 3 weeks ago I tried to take Xanax then drank a bunch of Alcohol and then more Xanaxes after which I stopped breathing, after waking up and seeing I was still there I tried to cut my veins in desperation, but my friend informed my mother who called an ambulance to me. They took me into a psychiatric hospital and drugged the hell out of me. All the time there I was lying to all the staff about how it was accidental and only was thinking of the best way to either run away and throw myself off some skyscraper or wait until I got out and try to OD again. I was released a few days ago and I feel like shit, I just want to end it all if possible before May, but I am terrified of surviving it and ending up in a hospital again.

How much Xanax did you take? I havnt taken that med as far as I can tell but I've tried ODing on zopiclone (80 tablets) with bad health (could have qualified for a blood transfusion sorta thing) & survived, I was in a psyc ward but I timed it so that it took them 12 hours to realise id done something (I thought it would work by the time they found me). I dont remember almost anything but fairly sure I didn't even get close to death. Benzos & z drugs etc (excluding opiates) seem almost impossible to die on.
Nowadays despite having hundreds of pills I only see them as useful to keep me calm & asleep if I use a method

Likewise cutting is almost guaranteed to fail, plus the worst bit is you could sever a nerve & lose movement or feeling in hands especially.

It's not easy & I'm stuck myself lost over how to end it. I hope you have been able to access treatment to try improve life before deciding to die (unsire of your age just because your mum was mentioned). Not saying younger pep can't be certain, but I have seen ALOT of people glad they failed to die with a few years of treatment & better supports in life (source: spent 17 months in residential treatment & maybe a year
over multiple admissions to gen mh units with some very mentally unwell people (depression, ptsd bpd etc)

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrible what you've been through, it really disgusts me how we cannot just have the option to die in peace in a guaranteed way, I despise this hellish world where humans do all they can to prolong the suffering of others. But anyway I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for.