Help Do my scars define me?

[Antigonish]

So I have visible scars. And anyone who has them know they kinda stick out. And sure they fade with time, but the newer they are the more the stand out, like a sore thumb. What I'm curious about is, are people treating me the way they are because of them. Will they ignore me, like me, hate me, or love me; because of what they see. Sometimes when I meet someone they dont even look at me, they just blatantly stare at my arms, like those aren't my very precious private parts. Sometimes they'll just come straight out and say you dont have to do that. Or look at me like I wan all the attention, which I do, but the cutting has nothing to do with that. I'm kinda curious if every time a person has been nice or sweet to me, if it was because what they see or if it was me and my almost perfect personality?

I know you guys can't answer for them. But maybe you can give insight. What do you feel or how do you react towards people you meet who obviously self harm. Do you try to step beyond your place and help, even when it may not be needed. Do you treat them sweetly because you're scared to speak your mind, and be responsible for something that really has nothing to do with you. Do you give them tough love. Or do you treat them like a human being, and never really see the scars in the first place?

 

[woknows]

My friend has scars from self-harming. I saw them. We have talked a bit about self-harm in the past. I guess he knows me pretty well and I know him pretty well. Does not make a difference to me. I have not even thought about the scars in a long time. I suppose it does make an impression when people first meet you.

 

[Makko]

I haven't met many people with visible scars but when I did, I just ignored it. I'm not their mother or their psychiatrist, I don't know what's good for them and I don't pry into other people's private business unless I get paid for it.

That said, it does affect people's perception of you. It's a very clear sign that you're mentally unwell. I wouldn't rely on this to attract angels who'd step beyond their place, though. I'd expect this would instead invite a lot of poorly conceived "concern" that will only cause you trouble. It's something best shared with someone you trust, not worn like a badge for public view. Parading scars in front of strangers is a form of TMI. It might get you some sympathy in the short term but it's not good for your overall image.

 

[hoffnungstod]

I treat them like everyone else with the usual kindness. There is only one difference when I smile at those people: the smile is real and not pretended.

 

[Shades of Grey]

I don't judge. I worry that it might appear that I do, because I suspect that I can be a bit obvious when I notice them sometimes. It's not judgment, though... it's a look of knowing. My scars aren't visible (I cut only in places that are easily concealed), but they're very much there.

I think sometimes it's easy to forget that not seeing visible scars doesn't necessarily mean that someone hasn't "been there" (or loved someone who has). My two favorite employees both have a history of self-harm (one has visible scars, the other does not), as does one of my mentors (to look at her, you would have no idea). Another has children who have struggled with it.

I realize that I'm probably not really the audience you're looking for here, but I don't treat people differently when I notice scars, with one exception... I'm probably a bit more intentional about being gentle in my interactions because I know they've been through some hard things.

I try to approach most interactions that way, though. My own (hidden) scars (that would shock almost everyone who knows me) are proof that there's a lot we don't know about the people around us at any given time.

 

[Sherri]

I also have lots of my scars on my left arm from trying to slit my wrists, I can't say they define me, but hate the fact that I have to cover it at work to avoid questions about it. The the biggest scars I have I took 20 stitches or more on it. Just hit tissue and no important veins, barely bled. hugs to you. I'm no one to judge either.

 

[signifying nothing]

I think the more important thing is how do you feel about them? And how does this influence how you are around other people?

In other words, could it be that your own feelings in relation to the scars are affecting how others react to them?

 

[LunarPyotr]

Personally I wouldn't judge someone, if they would have some visible signs of self harming. Even if I would live or be friends with that person I wouldn't like like treat them differently to be honest.
Even if they're trans, gay, bi etc. since nobody is perfect and even I have my own flaws like I'm struggling with depression and I'm a bit of an introvert.

The only problem is..
What would that person think about me?
The thing is that I'm generally a nice and carrying guy and I'm kinda worried that this person might think that I'm only nice to them because of the whole deal with self harming.

 

[nolongerhuman]

I have my own scars. If I happen to see somebody with some I purposefully don't mention it because my assumption is they probably don't want attention drawn to them. Treat people like I would want to be treated, you know. I'm sorry about the rude comments. People can be awful sometimes.

 

[painoflife]

I have met a few people with scars, I don't treat them any different to other people. They are just another person to me, no matter what.
I have scars myself, some visible and some not, and I have only ever had comments about the visible ones from medical professionals when I go to have a blood test etc. I do my best to try and hide them but sometimes I forget until I see them doing an obvious "I'm looking away" thing and then I try and move so they can't see anymore.

Spoiler: TW:Scars

 

[Mentalmick]

Most of my scars are hidden on my legs. It doesn't really bother me if other people see them, but I don't like them myself. There's so much scar tissue my skin isn't smooth anymore and the hair doesn't grow properly. If you can stomach it zoom in and guess how many. And don't pretend you don't love my socks.

 

[painoflife]

don't pretend you don't love my socks.

How can anybody not love them? They are so cute!

 

[ashedout]

I have visible and obvious self harm scars on my wrists to elbows. I also have a very colourful tattoo over part of them from a book series that I am often requested to show off when people recognize it. Not a single person has ever asked about the scars, commented on them, or treated me poorly after seeing the tattoo (and the scars).

I have a list of things that I would say describe and define myself. I try to keep "person who self harms" pretty low on the list and focus on the stuff on the top of the list. Those values and identifiers are hopefully what people think of when they encounter me instead of all the dark stuff. I am a person who self harms but I am also a person who is *insert positive attribute here* before that. That one single thing doesn't define me.

And then for seeing self harm scars on someone else? I just try to treat the person with kindness like I would anyone else. It's just one single part of them that doesn't define their whole life either.

 

[Antigonish]

I haven't met many people with visible scars but when I did, I just ignored it. I'm not their mother or their psychiatrist, I don't know what's good for them and I don't pry into other people's private business unless I get paid for it.

That said, it does affect people's perception of you. It's a very clear sign that you're mentally unwell. I wouldn't rely on this to attract angels who'd step beyond their place, though. I'd expect this would instead invite a lot of poorly conceived "concern" that will only cause you trouble. It's something best shared with someone you trust, not worn like a badge for public view. Parading scars in front of strangers is a form of TMI. It might get you some sympathy in the short term but it's not good for your overall image.

So I dont parade them for sympathy. I do it because even though I don't want to be defined by them. They are a part of who I am. And they aren't going anywhere. Believe me I tried. They fade but remain. And it's weird and uncomfortable wearing long sleeve year round. Plus they are on my wrist and forearms the worst place to try and hide scars.

There had been times when I just wouldn't leave the house because I was afraid I'd never be able to be apart of society again. And that made me stay home and cut more. Hell my mother even told me no one would ever love me because of them. I'm recovering, but I will no longer be ashamed of them. Like my sexuality, gender, or race. I'll wear them proudly and without shame. Because they represent part of my struggle.

'Dont go parading you scars' 'Don't go parading around like a fairy' 'Dont go parading around like a girl' 'If I dont ask, you don't tell'...
All sounds the same to me.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Long sleeves, pants, turtleneck, bandages with excuses, cosmetics. Easy to hide.

 

[Antigonish]

I don't judge. I worry that it might appear that I do, because I suspect that I can be a bit obvious when I notice them sometimes. It's not judgment, though... it's a look of knowing. My scars aren't visible (I cut only in places that are easily concealed), but they're very much there.

I think sometimes it's easy to forget that not seeing visible scars doesn't necessarily mean that someone hasn't "been there" (or loved someone who has). My two favorite employees both have a history of self-harm (one has visible scars, the other does not), as does one of my mentors (to look at her, you would have no idea). Another has children who have struggled with it.

I realize that I'm probably not really the audience you're looking for here, but I don't treat people differently when I notice scars, with one exception... I'm probably a bit more intentional about being gentle in my interactions because I know they've been through some hard things.

I try to approach most interactions that way, though. My own (hidden) scars (that would shock almost everyone who knows me) are proof that there's a lot we don't know about the people around us at any given time.

Thanks for the comfort. And no there was no wrong advice. I'll be honest when I see people with self harm scars I stare. But out of compassion and curiosity. I even go as far to try and strike up a friendship with them before I ever mention my own scars or their's. I know it's a sensitive subject. But it's always nice to talk to someone who's like 'I understand' instead of someone who's like 'stop that or you dont have to do that'

Long sleeves, pants, turtleneck, bandages with excuses, cosmetics. Easy to hide.

Guess what I'm saying is should i have to hide them?

 

[Makko]

'Dont go parading you scars' 'Don't go parading around like a fairy' 'Dont go parading around like a girl' 'If I dont ask, you don't tell'...
All sounds the same to me.

Maybe parading was not the right word, but it would distract from the rest of you and make people focus on this one particular trait. Although it's a part of you like any other part of you, it demands attention from "normal" people in a way that many other traits don't. By showing the scars openly, you're putting emphasis on them.

 

[Antigonish]

I think the more important thing is how do you feel about them? And how does this influence how you are around other people?

In other words, could it be that your own feelings in relation to the scars are affecting how others react to them?

I forget they're there until I catch someone trying to sneak a glance, making a prolonged look at them, or just blatantly mentioning them. It's just the whole sympathy thing that gets me. It's like telling a cancer patient you're sorry that they're dying. Which btw is the worst thing to do. You cant stop it from happening and it's not your fault it's happening. They only thing you can do is offer a pretty smile and a warm hug. And hope the problem goes away. I'm not saying ignore it but sometimes the way you acknowledge it can make it worse. One time I hadn't self harmed in like 3 months. Went to work, a coworker mentioned them, went home started up again. And then I quit the next day...

Maybe parading was not the right word, but it would distract from the rest of you and make people focus on this one particular trait. Although it's a part of you like any other part of you, it demands attention from "normal" people in a way that many other traits don't. By showing the scars openly, you're putting emphasis on them.

I was going to apologize for that. Honestly felt like I overreacted. Sorry. It kinda triggered me.

Personally I wouldn't judge someone, if they would have some visible signs of self harming. Even if I would live or be friends with that person I wouldn't like like treat them differently to be honest.
Even if they're trans, gay, bi etc. since nobody is perfect and even I have my own flaws like I'm struggling with depression and I'm a bit of an introvert.

The only problem is..
What would that person think about me?
The thing is that I'm generally a nice and carrying guy and I'm kinda worried that this person might think that I'm only nice to them because of the whole deal with self harming.

So that helps. And is exactly the kind of answer I was looking for. Because that's exactly my dilemma. It's hard to tell if they genuinely like me or if I'm just projecting on my scars. Sometimes I'll get people who are generally assholes to everyone else, but who are really nice to me. And I'm surprised to find out they are assholes. While also looking stupid, to everyone when I tell them things like so and so is soooooo sweet. (Not calling you an asshole was just the best analogy I had up my sleeve.) It's hard to tell if it's me or did my scars give me a short cut (pun not intended). Did I not get that promotion because I suck. Or because the little not so little marks that shroud me.

I have my own scars. If I happen to see somebody with some I purposefully don't mention it because my assumption is they probably don't want attention drawn to them. Treat people like I would want to be treated, you know. I'm sorry about the rude comments. People can be awful sometimes.

Yep they are. It just seems like I'm gonna be cursed to a life void of short sleeve shirts. I've already sacrificed shorts. If only everyone were like you. And knew how uncomfortable those situations are. My number one rule, is never talk about or mention my scars unless I do. But of course people wouldn't know that. Maybe I should get a tshirt made.

I have met a few people with scars, I don't treat them any different to other people. They are just another person to me, no matter what.
I have scars myself, some visible and some not, and I have only ever had comments about the visible ones from medical professionals when I go to have a blood test etc. I do my best to try and hide them but sometimes I forget until I see them doing an obvious "I'm looking away" thing and then I try and move so they can't see anymore.

I'm constantly putting one arm behind my back. Sometimes I do it subconsciously when I meet someone who I am attracted to or find attractive. Or someone who I adore. But most of the times I just forget they're there. I can't feel them unless I touch them. Also do you get this weird feeling when others touch them. It feels like I'm being molested or groped.

 

[painoflife]

I'm constantly putting one arm behind my back. Sometimes I do it subconsciously when I meet someone who I am attracted to or find attractive. Or someone who I adore. But most of the times I just forget they're there. I can't feel them unless I touch them. Also do you get this weird feeling when others touch them. It feels like I'm being molested or groped.

Whenever somebody comes to my door my immediate reaction is scrabble around for a hoody to put on and cover my arm. It has become a part of life to cover it up as best I can but sometimes I dont realise I havent. Like my dad came a few weeks ago and I was washing dishes so had my sleeves rolled up, answered the door and he handed me something. Wasnt until I saw his face drop that I realised what he had seen. He never mentioned it at all but he clearly saw the scars and couldn't hide his disappointment.
I have a long term partner and he gets upset by me doing it but understands and doesnt judge. I have noticed, however, that he always avoids touching my scars whether on my arm or legs. My legs are just normal sensation for me but the skin feels lumpy and bumpy but my arm gives a painful pin prick sensation when touched and has raised up smooth feeling scars. Only a couple of times have people touched either the scar or wound but it just felt wrong, it is like it is intimate because it meant a lot when I was self harming there. I hate people touching them to the extent that when I was cutting during inpatient I wouldn't let anyone near. I refused treatment unless they would give me the necessary supplies to do it myself and they learnt the hard way that I meant it, they insisted on putting steri strips on me (forcefully) so when I was alone I removed and worsened the wound and it was left overnight. I woke up with clothes covered in blood, bedding covered and even in my hair! It looked like something from a horror scene when I turned up at the nurses office after it has been bleeding (slow but steady) for about 9 hours, obviously they hadn't noticed anything unusual during the 15 min checks all night. Only then did they realise that not listening to my wishes about my care would only make the situation worse for me.
It is a very private thing and I wouldn't want anyone asking question because I would feel like I would have to come up with an elaborate lie. I dont want to be forced to share details about it because they have asked, I only feel comfortable to talk about it when its my choice to.

 

[WornOutLife]

I think scars are certainly interesting. They can show a person's journey and experiences.

 

[NodusTollens]

I don't think they define you, it explains a portions of your past, where things were difficult for you, a need for release, it could be any number of things, but it couldn't possibly define all that you are as a person.

Eventually I got a tattoo to cover the worst of my scars. I know where they're hiding & can see them if I look, but it's no one else's business.