Do I tell my daughters?

[Ipassbutter]

I think things are moving forward with my plans to ctb. Hopefully in a few months or so everything will be in place Wondering anyone's thoughts on the following:

I have two daughters 9 and 11. I live with them and my wife. I'm a good father, have a close relationship with them, and am very active in their lives.

Obviously this will be very hard on them. Should I start planting any seeds about me ctb and how this is not their fault? Do I leave them a note specifically? What should I say to them prior, if anything at all? They have no idea about my depression or past.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Noooo, as a father of two sons roughly that age. They're too young to understand this.

If you must do this then your best bet to cause the least amount of harm would be to just disappear.

I hope you're able to stick it out a bit longer until they grow up. But I can't make decisions for you. I'm in roughly the same boat.

 

[PaYo]

You definately should tell them.

 

[Lara Francis]

I think things are moving forward with my plans to ctb. Hopefully in a few months or so everything will be in place Wondering anyone's thoughts on the following:

I have two daughters 9 and 11. I live with them and my wife. I'm a good father, have a close relationship with them, and am very active in their lives.

Obviously this will be very hard on them. Should I start planting any seeds about me ctb and how this is not their fault? Do I leave them a note specifically? What should I say to them prior, if anything at all? They have no idea about my depression or past.

This is such a difficult situation to be in and I send you hugs x

 

[Ipassbutter]

You definately should tell them.

What would I say? And should I leave them a note?

 

[Lara Francis]

I asked a similar question at one time and someone suggested making a video for them. There suggestion was to make a few videos, one for their current age and other for when they are older or an adult and will be more able to understand the reasons why.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I asked a similar question at one time and someone suggested making a video for them. There suggestion was to make a few videos, one for their current age and other for when they are older or an adult and will be more able to understand the reasons why.

That's not a half bad idea. But when letters and notes get involved they must be done carefully. As alot of times these things are seized by investigators and never see the light of day.

 

[Lara Francis]

I thought it was too.
I also liked how a few videos could capture their level of understanding at different ages

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I thought it was too.
I also liked how a few videos could capture their level of understanding at different ages

Again not a bad idea. Even in a letter form. But it needs to be copied over multiple times. Digital and physical form would be optimum.

 

[Arrow]

You definately should tell them.

why should he tell them? i think it would be an awful idea, they wouldn't understand anyways until many years later what actually happened. how would he even begin to explain it to them? if he's going to do this i think he shouldn't tell them at all.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

why should he tell them? i think it would be an awful idea, they wouldn't understand anyways until many years later what actually happened. how would he even begin to explain it to them? if he's going to do this i think he shouldn't tell them at all.

Yea they're way too young to tell this shit to. If he wants to tell them it should be a timed thing that they don't see tell later in life.

 

[Ipassbutter]

I asked a similar question at one time and someone suggested making a video for them. There suggestion was to make a few videos, one for their current age and other for when they are older or an adult and will be more able to understand the reasons why.

That's a good idea. I might consider something like that. I could even do a future posted email.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Seems like they're too young to really process this ngl. I'd perhaps leave a not for them to be given when they're older as suggested above. Nothing you do will fully dampen the blow of losing a parent, but you can at least make sure they get closure.

 

[rikamonie]

should write a note to your wife and tell her not to tell them you killed yourself honestly, it would be horrible, she should make up a reason for your death and they would never know, my family made up my farthers reason of death and i still dont know the actual reason he died but it definitely wasn't pneumonia but its better for me that i didn't know its easier to cope with someones death when you couldnt have stopped it or helped especially with children i just think it would be better if they never found out

 

[Brick In The Wall]

So many chime into these subjects. But I feel like only a fellow parent would understand.

 

[Oyoy]

If I were a parent I would fear that they would ctb in life or they would date a partner that was self destructive.

 

[PaYo]

No one is really to young. He can leave them criplled by lack of knowingness. Or leave them damaged but understanding by knowledgem there is no good answear but id like to grow up with idea of understanding my father, not bu thibking about him like a coward

 

[BaconCheeseburger]

If you tell the kids or hint to them there's a chance they will tell either your partner or teachers in school/friends which would draw more attention to you and possibly prevent your plan. A letter or a video for afterwards sounds best

 

[K-O]

They have no idea about my depression or past.

hiya mate x
have you considered sharing your past and present truth with them at all? is it you way of shielding them from pain and being a care taker?..
i know when my dad opened up to me about his abuse throughout life it made us closer.. gave us a true and un contaminated mutual space.
and when i was your kids age i personally felt so terrified and trapped and im sure that if he would have shared with me his past truth back then i would have felt loved and shielded. the truth is brave love..
when my uncle ctb his sons went through al the emotions- anger guilt acceptance and more.. its an inner journey.. inevitably painful but so personal and unpredictable.. he didnt leave a letter etc.. they wished he would have..
all one can do is try to love the way you can.. and yes off course other suicidal parents speak your language better but as a daughter of a suicidal mother i can say that honesty is important and children need that desperately.. that was the main destructive issue in my family..
and so i think a future reach out from you to them will be precious and so important to them no doubt.. x

 

[Ipassbutter]

hiya mate x
have you considered sharing your past and present truth with them at all? is it you way of shielding them from pain and being a care taker?..
i know when my dad opened up to me about his abuse throughout life it made us closer.. gave us a true and un contaminated mutual space.
and when i was your kids age i personally felt so terrified and trapped and im sure that if he would have shared with me his past truth back then i would have felt loved and shielded. the truth is brave love..
when my uncle ctb his sons went through al the emotions- anger guilt acceptance and more.. its an inner journey.. inevitably painful but so personal and unpredictable.. he didnt leave a letter etc.. they wished he would have..
all one can do is try to love the way you can.. and yes off course other suicidal parents speak your language better but as a daughter of a suicidal mother i can say that honesty is important and children need that desperately.. that was the main destructive issue in my family..
and so i think a future reach out from you to them will be precious and so important to them no doubt.. x

Thanks. I obviously want them to have the least traumatic experience possible. I also don't want to reveal my plans though. I think based in the responses here that I'll let the know before about my depression but also send them some emails after.

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

I'm so sorry your hurting so much. My dad left when I was 11 a week before Christmas. Very traumatic

 

[SSlostallhope]

should write a note to your wife and tell her not to tell them you killed yourself honestly, it would be horrible, she should make up a reason for your death and they would never know, my family made up my farthers reason of death and i still dont know the actual reason he died but it definitely wasn't pneumonia but its better for me that i didn't know its easier to cope with someones death when you couldnt have stopped it or helped especially with children i just think it would be better if they never found out

It's on any death certificate. A cause of death

 

[Aap]

Perhaps the only thing that will be harder on them if you die is if they feel extreme guilt at knowing they could have prevented your death and didn't. Said another way, they will believe they killed you.

 

[TowerUpright]

The only way that I see that minimizes trauma of ctb is to do it in a way that looks like an accident. Or can be explained by an accident.

Doesn't stop trauma, but it might make it less severe.

 

[autumnal]

That's a good idea. I might consider something like that. I could even do a future posted email.

Do not under any circumstances rely on a future-scheduled e-mail. E-mail providers come and go, change their terms and have system outages etc. Recipients change their e-mail addresses or have things caught in their spam folders and never discovered.

 

[K-O]

Do not under any circumstances rely on a future-scheduled e-mail. E-mail providers come and go, change their terms and have system outages etc. Recipients change their e-mail addresses or have things caught in their spam folders and never discovered.

plus hand written objects from people dear to you are lovely and intimate. x

 

[Dead beat dad]

I think things are moving forward with my plans to ctb. Hopefully in a few months or so everything will be in place Wondering anyone's thoughts on the following:

I have two daughters 9 and 11. I live with them and my wife. I'm a good father, have a close relationship with them, and am very active in their lives.

Obviously this will be very hard on them. Should I start planting any seeds about me ctb and how this is not their fault? Do I leave them a note specifically? What should I say to them prior, if anything at all? They have no idea about my depression or past.

Brother I feel you and your pain and it resonates deeply in me as it will others here.
I am so sorry that you're here and dueling with this conundrum.
Some wise users have already said some pretty sensible things there and I hope this shines some light for you.
Honestly this situation is just so sad with no easy answer.
Yes your children are too young to understand and deal with this discussion, but they may never be able to deal with it - when my Grandpoppa killed himself, I came to understand and forgive him, my mother (his daughter) still rages at him now - however neither of us were or could have ever been in his shoes.
Perhaps through your relationship with them now and notes for when they come of age you could provide a pathway to understanding and reconciliation, working on the premise that they will never again be able to ask you a question and get an answer.
Brother I sincerely hope that you can find peace and know that there is love and understanding for you here.
All the best.

DBD

 

[breachingthevoid]

First, the fact that you're in this position is terrible...I feel for you. The idea of leaving two small children who love you dearly has got to be incredibly difficult for you, which makes me feel that what is pushing you to want to CTB must be even more painful than the joy that they provide to you and you to them. Of course, I'm hoping that you don't do it and you find a way to stay in their lives. Of course, I'm hoping that you have exhausted all means of talking about your problems, seeking help, medication, whatever else may help you to continue living, if not for yourself, for them. With that said and to answer your question:

I would not tell them or drop hints. They are too young to understand or process. They will likely blame themselves in some way no matter what you do, so that's just something you will have to take with you when you leave. I would, however, leave a very detailed letter to your wife explaining EVERYTHING about your depression, feelings, what brought you to this place, etc. That way she will know where it came from and why. If she understands at all she will be better prepared to deal with what she will have to deal with when it comes to your daughters, both when it happens and ongoing.

Next, I would consider spending some time and leaving multiple letters and videos for each of your daughters. I know someone closely who lost her mother in this way and this is what her mother did and it helped her a great deal. She was angry as HELL when it happened, though, and she deleted all of the videos in a rage, but luckily her father had back-up's of the videos (so make sure to do that, copies of the letters too). I don't know what she would have done had she not been able to recover those videos, because now they are a constant comfort to her. So, her mother left her an initial video and letter, and then one for every birthday up until she was 21 (she was 15 at the time) and then for every milestone in her life - college, first job, marriage, kids or no kids, etc. She watched all the videos at once, which I heard most people do who have access to these things, but then she would actually watch them on the dates they were meant for as time went on.

So...you could either ask your wife to dole out the videos and letters at the appropriate times, or someone else who you trust to be there, or you could ask her to give them all to your daughters at a certain time and just keep copies in case they rage and destroy them. In any case, I think you should explain everything to them in videos/letters. Let them hear your voice and see your face explaining what brought you to the place you are and that it has NOTHING to do with them. Be honest and open.

Again, I hope you are able to find a way to stay with them, but if you aren't, leave them with something.

 

[On Edge]

I think things are moving forward with my plans to ctb. Hopefully in a few months or so everything will be in place Wondering anyone's thoughts on the following:

I have two daughters 9 and 11. I live with them and my wife. I'm a good father, have a close relationship with them, and am very active in their lives.

Obviously this will be very hard on them. Should I start planting any seeds about me ctb and how this is not their fault? Do I leave them a note specifically? What should I say to them prior, if anything at all? They have no idea about my depression or past.

Personally id only incrimate and hint to it. Also I think you shouldnt ctb if you have children that young.

 

[limpingtowardfreedom]

I think your children would want to know the truth

I didn't find out my father killed himself for five years when I was a kid and I was furious with everyone for lying to me, and the thought of a universe where your mother or father that you desperately needed could be taken away completely randomly was so much more horrible. I don't know how old your kids are, I was ten, but I wasn't dumb. I could see that he was tired and in pain, and at least that would have made sense to me.

If you can't bear the thought of harming your children, then don't leave your children behind.

quoting myself from another thread. children aren't dumb animals, treat them like people.