Do I really want to die?

[tinyfox]

Hello, everyone. Like many others, my life has long since turned into a struggle for survival and suffering. Due to health problems, every day has been torture for the last few years. Medicine cannot help, and there is no guarantee that my condition will improve. Every day I experience pain, I can't get out of bed for long, I have mental health problems, I'm addicted to medication, and I have a huge number of other symptoms. The most upsetting thing is that the disease is not fatal.
I have been thinking about CTB for a long time, but every time I realize that I can't take it anymore and want to leave, as I approach this decision, my brain starts to come up with many reasons why I can't do it now... Fear of death, pain, I don't live alone, I don't have the tools, and so on.
It would seem that I could easily do it with a gun, but I don't have access to firearms.
I would like to hang myself, but I don't have a rope and I'm rarely home alone.
When I'm alone, I realize that I'm afraid to do it now with the tools I have, and I also worry that I can't do this to my family and loved ones...
I would like to take drugs, but I am afraid of dying slowly, and it doesn't make sense because my family will check on me and call an ambulance, and I will end up in a mental hospital...
I am afraid to jump out of the window because I am very afraid of heights, pain, and falling...
Try to kill myself with a knife? It's not very likely, and again, I'm afraid of the pain...
It seems like I could do it if I lived alone, if at some point I could muster up the courage and take that one step, but I don't live alone and I constantly think about how my family would feel...

Question: Is it normal that my mind keeps looking for excuses and reasons not to do it, or am I just a weakling who is afraid to make an effort?

How can I stop looking for excuses and just do it? How can I fight these thoughts? Does this happen to everyone or just to me?
If anyone has similar thoughts and knows what to do about them, I would liketo hear your opinion.

 

[itsgone2]

Yes, it's normal. Your body and brain want to survive. Unfortunately. Many of us feel trapped

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think it's probably more normal than not- to have all of these concerns. I would think anyone who has considered suicide seriously enough to actually think through the practicalities of a method will have concerns.

I'm not convinced they necessarily mean we don't want to die- if we have definitely established that we can't find a way of making life tolerable. I think a lot of us are in the same boat as you in that we want to be dead but, we don't want to have to die in order to get there. Not with all the frightening variables we will have to risk. So- while passive ideation may feel comforting to us- when life is such a struggle, active ideation can feel deeply troubling.

I suppose whether any of us can eventually get over our fears is down to the individual. Maybe it is motivated by how much we want it. Or, how unable we feel to cope with the opposite- more life. Maybe we do need greater threat or a greater pull to death to push us to take the risks we'll need to.

Risk analysis is obviously a thing too. Ultimately- when we commit, we'll want to succeed. So, of course we'll be worrying about things like the reliability of the method. How likely it is we'll be discovered and prevented.

Some of us have that psychological battle going on too. Can I do this to my loved ones? I'm stuck on that one. Other people are trapped here because of religious beliefs.

It's a hugely complicated decision though. I hate it so much when people seem to portray it as some flippant, fickle, easy choice because a person didn't fancy living anymore. I imagine most of the time, it's so much more complicated than that.