Do I have a right to be suicidal?

[Ceterum]

Hey there,

I've been browsing the forums a lot. Many of you are suffering from trauma, severe physical illness, are broke or whatnot.

I can claim neither... yet from early adulthood on for about a decade my life has much revolved around suicidal thoughts, emptiness and fears. I have not really participated in what normal people would consider "life". Yet I have no financial stress, no severe history of abuse, no major, life-defining physical condition.

Despite being suicidal I have always wanted to have children and have a family, a place to belong. Life got a little better in recent years with regards to constant suicidal thoughts, which have been less ... now I come to realise that I probably never will have a family and children of my own and my thoughts are getting darker again. sometimes I even feel triggered by people with children :/

Yet I often wonder, if I have a right to CTB, if so many people have so much more trouble at hands ... I am really torn on that and this torments me even more.... Am I even entitled to CTB, just because a luxury wish of mine doesn't bear fruit? I don't know, I guess I just wanted to get this one out. Sorry for stealing your time.

 

[Teddybear]

First, you can't "steal" anyone's time, for its a universal product. :D

Second, w/o trying to patronize, maybe you are suffering from a hormononel imbalance?

The human brain produces "uppers" and "downers" naturally as part of its internal reward system, which is supposed to help us learn behaviours that are beneficial to our survival.

Normally the two keep each other in balance but sometimes genetics can cause one or the other to win out permanently. If that happens to the first you end up with an over-confident personallity and an unreasonable risk taker.

If its the later you end up with a chronic deppressive. Combine them both in a swing-from-one-side-to-the-other scenario and you have a bi-polar disorder.

None of that requires any trauma to develop but experiencing a traumatic childhood can amplify the effect by many factors.

I had a bi-polar mother, a bi-polar grandfather on my dad's side and a childhood as messed up as you can possibly imagine. So yeah, some of us ought to be able to sue for a right to die. :(

But if you don't really want to (uncertainty being the clearest sign for that) then maybe you could have yourself checked for some hormonel imbalance.

Hormones govern almost all of what happens inside of us and sometimes, just sometimes, a little pink pill might make all the difference.

 

[jodes2]

It sounds like you have depression? On the one hand, that means it could go away with help and/or time, therefore it's worth sticking around. Also, your ideation is intermittent, strengthening the case that it might get better. On the other hand, you've been on the roller coaster for quite a while, which is still suffering; so as long as you don't CTB impulsively during a temporary low, but while you feel normal, it would be a rational decision, in theory, to avoid more decades of possible rollercoastering. But if you decide to CTB, couldn't that also be depression, fixable? Idk

 

[Teddybear]

It sounds like you have depression? On the one hand, that means it could go away with help and/or time, therefore it's worth sticking around. Also, your ideation is intermittent, strengthening the case that it might get better. On the other hand, you've been on the roller coaster for quite a while, which is still suffering; so as long as you don't CTB impulsively during a temporary low, but while you feel normal, it would be a rational decision, in theory, to avoid more decades of possible rollercoastering. But if you decide to CTB, couldn't that also be depression, fixable? Idk

Not all forms of deppression are "fixable". The media just loves to tell us that they are. Yet my mother was a certified nurse who started her career in a psychiatric hospital. So she knew what was happening to her.

She was on psych meds all her life and it didn't make her depressions or her bi-polar mood swings go away by one bit.

 

[jodes2]

Not all forms of deppression are "fixable". The media just loves to tell us that they are. Yet my mother was a certified nurse who started her career in a psychiatric hospital. So she knew what was happening to her.

She was on psych meds all her life and it didn't make her depressions or her bi-polar mood swings go away by one bit.

But most people don't have treatment-resistant depression, which is why there are only a few meds targeted at that? You shouldn't rob a person of hope when there is some

 

[Teddybear]

But most people don't have treatment-resistant depression, which is why there are only a few meds targeted at that? You shouldn't rob a person of hope when there is some

Hope is the enemy of peace in dispair.

I am all for telling people to seek qualified outside advise, but the media preferrably portrays depression as some sort of mental flu.

But if you're stuck with it for life, then it can make life itself unbearable.

 

[jodes2]

Hope is the enemy of peace in dispair.

I am all for telling people to seek qualified outside advise, but the media preferrably portrays depression as some sort of mental flu.

But if you're stuck with it for life, then it can make life itself unbearable.

I'm not denying that having it, even for short periods, can make life unbearable. Thats why it can lead to impulsive, ill-thought-out suicides. I'm glad that you agree people should try to seek help. I agree, if someone's had depression for a long time, with help not helping, CTB can be rational. But I had my rollercoaster ride for a long time and eventually found a way to cope, that's the nature of depression for a lot of people. It's not worth jumping the gun because depression robs you of the ability to see that it can change, especially if you've had it for a while

 

[Teddybear]

I'm not denying that having it, even for short periods, can make life unbearable. Thats why it can lead to impulsive, ill-thought-out suicides. I'm glad that you agree people should try to seek help. I agree, if someone's had depression for a long time, with help not helping, CTB can be rational. But I had my rollercoaster ride for a long time and eventually found a way to cope, that's the nature of depression for a lot of people. It's not worth jumping the gun because depression robs you of the ability to see that it can change, especially if you've had it for a while

You sound like someone who can look at his life and say: "I should actually be enjoying myself. What's wrong with me?"

But I am part of the crowd that looks at life and concludes: "There is nothing left but shit here and I am still eating it up. What's wrong with me?"

And at 60 years there is nothing "temporary" about it, I can assure you. Please don't judge others from your own experience.

 

[makethepainstop]

Hey there,

I've been browsing the forums a lot. Many of you are suffering from trauma, severe physical illness, are broke or whatnot.

I can claim neither... yet from early adulthood on for about a decade my life has much revolved around suicidal thoughts, emptiness and fears. I have not really participated in what normal people would consider "life". Yet I have no financial stress, no severe history of abuse, no major, life-defining physical condition.

Despite being suicidal I have always wanted to have children and have a family, a place to belong. Life got a little better in recent years with regards to constant suicidal thoughts, which have been less ... now I come to realise that I probably never will have a family and children of my own and my thoughts are getting darker again. sometimes I even feel triggered by people with children :/

Yet I often wonder, if I have a right to CTB, if so many people have so much more trouble at hands ... I am really torn on that and this torments me even more.... Am I even entitled to CTB, just because a luxury wish of mine doesn't bear fruit? I don't know, I guess I just wanted to get this one out. Sorry for stealing your time.

If you are still of reproductive age, children can still arrive. But as far as a right to do anything, that's a whole different animal. Pious religious nutcases will always assure you that you must not suicide, Mental health people will assure you that suicide is wrong, (how else can they stay in business and earn those fat paychecks if their client base croaks themselves off)?

 

[Teddybear]

..., (how else can they stay in business and earn those fat paychecks if their client base croaks themselves off)?

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Hey there,

I've been browsing the forums a lot. Many of you are suffering from trauma, severe physical illness, are broke or whatnot.

I can claim neither... yet from early adulthood on for about a decade my life has much revolved around suicidal thoughts, emptiness and fears. I have not really participated in what normal people would consider "life". Yet I have no financial stress, no severe history of abuse, no major, life-defining physical condition.

Despite being suicidal I have always wanted to have children and have a family, a place to belong. Life got a little better in recent years with regards to constant suicidal thoughts, which have been less ... now I come to realise that I probably never will have a family and children of my own and my thoughts are getting darker again. sometimes I even feel triggered by people with children :/

Yet I often wonder, if I have a right to CTB, if so many people have so much more trouble at hands ... I am really torn on that and this torments me even more.... Am I even entitled to CTB, just because a luxury wish of mine doesn't bear fruit? I don't know, I guess I just wanted to get this one out. Sorry for stealing your time.

I realize this is a minority opinion, even on this site, but I believe the only person in a position to determine whether you have a right to ctb is you. Only you know whether your life is worth living.

Let me first say that you sound like a thoughtful, balanced, and intelligent person. I agree with others that you sound like you have depression and that there could be a path for you that helps you feel better. Please don't discount that.

But as for having the right, I believe your feelings are entirely justified. I used to feel similarly — that there are people way worse off than me, so what right did I have to be sad or to want to end things when they carry on? Then someone told me that saying you didn't have a right to be sad because others have it worse is like saying you don't have a right to be happy because others have it better.

Only you can ultimately make the decision of whether it's worth going on. Antidepressants can have negative effects (I've on three different regimens). It's ultimately up to you if they provide more benefit than harm. (To be fair, I believe they benefit most people. I don't want to put anyone off from trying them.)

I believe it's up to you to decide what elements of your life are necessary to make it worthwhile. If life is not worthwhile, then why should one feel compelled to keep going? I recognize that's an extreme view, but I do hold to it. We have every right to be authors of our own destiny, whether others agree with it or not.

Fwiw, you sound like someone who might enrich society and enrich other people's lives. I don't know you, but am basing that solely on your ability to express yourself, your desire for close relationships like family, and your understanding of and sympathy for the pain of others. So I think the world may be better with you in it. But it's not up to me.

 

[Ceterum]

Thank you so much for all your replies, they mean a lot to me. With regards to depression, I have been diagnosed with ADHS in childhood and later on also with depression, so I don't discard that. It is probably also to some extent responsible for how my life went for me so far, but as I said, others have a harder fate to endure. Thanks for also putting this somewhat in a place, Wisdom.

As for the above mentioned religious argument, my mother actually was pretty religious and in earlier years this possibly also kept me from acting on my thoughts - not that I was very religious, but I was instilled the eternal damnation thing, so there was pretty much fear going along with it back then. That's not really the case anymore. If there is a loving god, he should be able to love you nonetheless. If there is none, well, then there isn't.

I wish I could give all of you a hug.

 

[FuneralCry]

Everyone has the right to leave this world at a time of their own choosing, it's a personal decision as to when to leave this life behind and nobody needs to justify their reasons for leaving, in fact suicide doesn't even need a reason. Nobody has any obligations to continue existing, it isn't like we asked to be here.

And also not bringing life into this world means sparing living beings an existence of enduring unnecessary suffering and problems, to me it can never really be beneficial bringing life here, but I wish you the best. I do believe that someone doesn't have to suffer to such a great extent in order to be suicidal in the first place, at least in my case I know that I would be suicidal no matter what my life circumstances are.

 

[letmebreathe]

It's understandable that you feel guilty about your suicidality when you don't have a clear reason to justify it's existence, I feel you. I know this might be hard, but you must make sure you that you don't invalidate your suicidal ideation because of this lack of clarity. The fact that you currently don't have an explanation for your suffering, does not make the suffering any less real.

For years of my life I had felt the same way as you do right now. Feeling like an impostor not deserving of suicide, because I couldn't point to reasons that would adequately justify it. I have friends alive and in the grave, who struggle(d) through the same dilema.

The best advice I can give you is to internalize the fact that suicidality is a very complex topic. In many cases the reasoning for it's existence is quite ambiguous. Some people who've been through deeply traumatic events and hardships still manage to cling onto their lives. While some people who have every bright promise in their life still suffer from chronic suicidality.

It could be that you fall into that second category, or it could be that you haven't been able to unearth the roots of your suicidal thoughts yet. Whatever the case maybe, resist the urge to compare yourself to others, focus on your own journey.

Have you sought help for your suicidality in the past?

 

[Hirokami]

To me, asking if one has the right to have suicidal ideations is akin to asking if one has the right to have depression. I think everyone has the right to their thoughts. After all, thoughts are involuntary and can't be suppressed without (further) psychological harm. Regardless of your circumstance, you did not choose to have such thoughts. Feeling guilty for something you cannot control will only add further distress.

As others have said, I would seek professional help first if you haven't already. Many people think they need to have something "tragic" happen to them to seek such help, and that just isn't true. People go to therapy, for example, when they're dealing with college stress. Even if you just need someone to talk to, that's a good enough reason. While I'm not saying that's necessarily your mindset, I thought I would put that out there just in case. I can't promise that professional help will be effective for you, though it's worth a shot. It sounds like you have things you want to live for, even if they're not yet achievable. It's ultimately up to you if these goals are worth seeing through, though. Your decision will be respected either way.

 

[actual_fox]

You are not stealing time, your posts are valuable for you and anybody who can even barely relate and I can relate on some level. Or related during some periods of my life. <3 much love
You cannot be entitled to something you did not choose. Like a person cannot be entitled to be struck by lightning.
I think you do not have choice in that matter. You are just in some level suffering, you feel dukkha. It happens to sentient beings.

 

[UtopianElephant]

Yes, people have a right to feel this way, and I believe everyone has a natural right to end their own life if that is what they decide.

That said, everyone deserves to live a decent life without feeling miserable. I hope things go better for you.

 

[NoHorizon]

You have a right to feel anything that you feel. There are no minimum requirements to being depressed/suicidal etc. There will always be someone in the world who has it "worse" than you, but suffering is suffering and someone else's suffering does not devalue your own.

 

[ColorlessTrees]

Many thoughtful replies here, and much I would agree with. However, your life is always yours, and it's your right to do as you see fit with it. Suffering isn't a competition, and it's even a bit subjective from person to person, because everyone experiences things differently. Someone else's pain has nothing to do with or invalidates yours.

That said, if there are still things you wish to experience, what's the harm in sticking around and looking for them a bit longer?