Help Do I confront a potential cheater?

[Kore]

This is about off topic as it gets, but I needed an anonymous place to ask for some advice just so it can't possibly get back to the people in question… unless the advice is to get it to them

I have a friend I work with who is married and has two young children. He has been growing increasingly closer to a woman at work. She is very pretty, and has a reputation for being a flirt - but more than this, she actually has a track record for sleeping with two married men that also used to work for us over the years. Not sure what happened to the first couple, but in the second case it led to divorce.

We'll call them Tim and Tina for now. I first noticed them talking at the Christmas party last December, which was at a circus-type venue. The final acts were playing and there was fire and motorbikes and all kinds of crazy stuff… yet these two were completely enthralled by eachother. I was a little concerned at the time, but just let it slide.

Over the months I notice them glance at eachother occasionally. Sometimes if I am directly talking to Tim and she has been near, he'll trip over his words for a sec.

Then recently, I discovered they go on walks together at lunch time. They walk a quiet route next to a river, but it just so happens to be my route home - occasionally instead of brining lunch to work, I'll head home instead. I've now seen them on their walks 4 times over the past several weeks, so I imagine it's happening a lot.

And yes, 'boys and girls can be friends' I know, but trust me - the glances and side smiles and nervousness are typically associated with finding someone hot af

I traveled to another country with him for work recently, and at our partner company, there was a photo of Tina and a couple other colleagues up on the big announcement board, and James took a photo of it. I casually asked why he took it (so far I have feigned total ignorance to the blossoming 'friendship') and he said to show one of the others in the photo, and didn't mention Tina. But I have never once seen Tim interact with this other person, though maybe they do and I'm just unaware.

I don't want to come across as a stalker or obsessed lmao, as I said this is just things I've noticed occasionally over the past 6 months or so.

I've been soooo tempted to pull him to one side and be like hey I've noticed you're getting *veryyy* close with Tina… have you heard about her reputation? But ofc I don't want to spread reputation about someone, I'm reading '13 Reasons Why' rn and I don't want to end up on a tape I also know it's completely and utterly personal and none of my damn business whatsoever.

It's just… really hard to have such a suspicion, knowing it could devastate a family if it turns out to be true, and I knew about it and did nothing to stop it…

So… advice pleaseeee Should I mind my damn business? Or should I confront him?

 

[mythofsisyphus]

I think it depends on your relationship with 'Tim'. If your friends then I'd maybe say something - as a friend you care about him and are looking out for his best interests etc.

But if you're not very close, I'd stay out. If someone's gonna cheat, they're gonna cheat. It sucks, but in some ways if he's able to do that then stepping in and stopping that doesn't change who they are as a person.

If it was my partner, I'd rather my partner cheat and I find out and leave them etc., than it be the case that they were gonna cheat but didn't cause someone stepped in. If they're capable of it, or even considering it, I'd wanna know. The actual act of doing it isn't the worst part for me - the intention and ability to consider doing it is, and whether you step in or not, that can't be changed.

 

[failure383]

The actual act of doing it isn't the worst part for me - the intention and ability

I think this too. The fact that they have no problem betraying and lying to somebody they love, is probably the worst part about it.

 

[astr4]

idk i say to stay out of it. if you tell him then he'll start covering his tracks more. it's better he gets caught early on. if you know his wife's contact info i would go as far as telling her anonymously of your suspicions.

 

[devils~advocate]

Well there are arguments for the various ways of approaching it.......

1) Not getting involved at all, which sounds at first like it absolves oneself, but it might not. It could be a situation where what they are doing affects their work place. Im not sure if you are the owner or another employee, but most employers frown on this type of fraternization.

2) Getting involved directly to him. Like mentioned above, most employers do not condone this type of activity since it might cause all kinds disruptions, distractions, etc. Maybe talking to him directly and seeing where he stands. Or relaying your concerns to management so they can casually confront him. etc etc

3) Getting involved indirectly by telling his wife your concerns. This is where it could be problematic. She could blow up on him or blow up on you by blaming you. I know it sounds weird, but some will deny that their spouse could ever do such a thing & will try to blame the messenger.
You could though anonymously contact his spouse though....leaving a letter on her car, door, etc.

In my opinion, I wished someone would have told me what my spouse was up to when they were cheating. No one stepped forward even when they knew just about everything that was going on. To me, they betrayed me as well since they knew who I was & that they knew it was wrong. One particular person had the same issues with their spouse in their past, but in this case they valued their friendship with my spouse over what was morally right to tell me.

 

[untothedepths]

just tell tina first or whoever the girl is, like, seriously. he might be hiding the fact that hes married and has 3 children attached to his last name. feel bad for the wife if anything happens like fr thats so shitty to do.

 

[Kore]

Thanks all for the thoughts and advice! Generally I'm getting the gist its better to just leave well enough alone. If he has already made that decision or will do in the future, there's clearly something not right in his marriage and he would screw up with or without my intervention.

A good few people have suggested contacting the wife anonymously, I've already thought that over in my head, and the issue is I have no real proof. I haven't even seen them do anything untowards, not even hold hands or hug. Can I really risk throwing fire into a marraige on the basis of "I seen him walking with another female human, divorce him immediately" yaknow?...

There is one other option, which i'm thinking may actually be a good one but hear me out... I tell his MOTHER. Dw it's not as childish as it sounds, his mother also works for our company and happens to be the HR manager. As such, she has posted several anonymous 'suggestion boxes' around site. I thought about writing a short letter addressed to her, saying something like "please tell Tim to be more discreet, people are noticing his and Tina's affections and it is causing distractions." etc. This way, someone who knows them both and has the ability to speak to Tim on a private and personal level may be able to help step in... in would somewhat absolve me, as I have then done *something*, and I can leave it in the hands of his family to sort out...

OR, I just quite simply leave it all alone and let them do whatever the heck they want with their own lives

 

[devils~advocate]

The anonymous suggestion box is a good idea.
Maybe word it in a way that shows caring for someone, so they avoid making a mistake in their lives.
Something like that you saw these individuals together and it looked a certain way etc.
He may take it a few ways.....he might realize what he is doing & self reflect.....or he may just continue.
Either way, he was given the opportunity to realize that others see him doing this.

If it is all true & he really is cheating...his wife/children are the real victim in all this. He is not. He might have issues with his spouse, but doing this is not a solution...his children esp have nothing to do with this either. This is all his actions and responsibility.

 

[Dr. Finklestein]

This is about off topic as it gets, but I needed an anonymous place to ask for some advice just so it can't possibly get back to the people in question… unless the advice is to get it to them

I have a friend I work with who is married and has two young children. He has been growing increasingly closer to a woman at work. She is very pretty, and has a reputation for being a flirt - but more than this, she actually has a track record for sleeping with two married men that also used to work for us over the years. Not sure what happened to the first couple, but in the second case it led to divorce.

We'll call them Tim and Tina for now. I first noticed them talking at the Christmas party last December, which was at a circus-type venue. The final acts were playing and there was fire and motorbikes and all kinds of crazy stuff… yet these two were completely enthralled by eachother. I was a little concerned at the time, but just let it slide.

Over the months I notice them glance at eachother occasionally. Sometimes if I am directly talking to Tim and she has been near, he'll trip over his words for a sec.

Then recently, I discovered they go on walks together at lunch time. They walk a quiet route next to a river, but it just so happens to be my route home - occasionally instead of brining lunch to work, I'll head home instead. I've now seen them on their walks 4 times over the past several weeks, so I imagine it's happening a lot.

And yes, 'boys and girls can be friends' I know, but trust me - the glances and side smiles and nervousness are typically associated with finding someone hot af

I traveled to another country with him for work recently, and at our partner company, there was a photo of Tina and a couple other colleagues up on the big announcement board, and James took a photo of it. I casually asked why he took it (so far I have feigned total ignorance to the blossoming 'friendship') and he said to show one of the others in the photo, and didn't mention Tina. But I have never once seen Tim interact with this other person, though maybe they do and I'm just unaware.

I don't want to come across as a stalker or obsessed lmao, as I said this is just things I've noticed occasionally over the past 6 months or so.

I've been soooo tempted to pull him to one side and be like hey I've noticed you're getting *veryyy* close with Tina… have you heard about her reputation? But ofc I don't want to spread reputation about someone, I'm reading '13 Reasons Why' rn and I don't want to end up on a tape I also know it's completely and utterly personal and none of my damn business whatsoever.

It's just… really hard to have such a suspicion, knowing it could devastate a family if it turns out to be true, and I knew about it and did nothing to stop it…

So… advice pleaseeee Should I mind my damn business? Or should I confront him?

Leave them be, this is not homicide.