Discussion Do any of you guys ever wonder if you really want to ctb? Or if your somehow forcing yourself to be suicidal?

[MiMif]

Pondering things so I wanna hear from you guys.

 

[sserafim]

Pondering things so I wanna hear from you guys.

I think life is forcing me to be suicidal. Not myself, but the circumstances of my life (adulting and having to be an adult). Tbh being an adult is making me want to die

 

[MidnightDream]

I don't think its possible to force yourself to be suicidal.. But I do think change is scary, particularly when it comes to perspective, and it can be comforting to remain within the same train of thought rather than actively seeking to change it. Right now, I don't know whether I ever will ctb, or gain the courage to really try. But I feel a deep connection to the part of myself that craves death, and it feels unsettling to me to consider moving away from it. Would I have to, in order to ever successfully pursue recovery? Most likely. Is that preventing me from wanting to pursue recovery at all? Perhaps. Am I now stuck at a weird cross roads? Yes, absolutely. But I've made peace with that.

 

[MiMif]

I don't think its possible to force yourself to be suicidal.. But I do think change is scary, particularly when it comes to perspective, and it can be comforting to remain within the same train of thought rather than actively seeking to change it. Right now, I don't know whether I ever will ctb, or gain the courage to really try. But I feel a deep connection to the part of myself that craves death, and it feels unsettling to me to consider moving away from it. Would I have to, in order to ever successfully pursue recovery? Most likely. Is that preventing me from wanting to pursue recovery at all? Perhaps. Am I now stuck at a weird cross roads? Yes, absolutely. But I've made peace with that.

Yeah I kinda feel the same as what you wrote I think

 

[ayaneechan]

If i would be sure that I could pass, I would prob attempt now
Since it's not so simple I have to still wait here, I hope not too long

 

[Baron]

Of course I'm forcing myself to be suicidal. I prefer death over living by a long shot, but I am lazy and not motivated to do anything that I don't explicitly have to. I just hope that I will take the next best opportunity. I'm always afraid of failing and then having to live with the fact that I failed to die. I think that would completely break me.

 

[sserafim]

If i would be sure that I could pass, I would prob attempt now
Since it's not so simple I have to still wait here, I hope not too long

Same

 

[SVEN]

Believe me, I take no forcing.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think I tend to wallow in depression and self pitty certainly. I suppose sometimes it just feels more familiar, comforting and less challenging- melancholy I suppose would be the best description for it. I think it's because I'm tired of fighting and that's what the alternative would be. Forcing myself to be optimistic and have hope and try and change my life. I've already done that lots of times. I'm getting pretty fed up with it. There's a weird kind of calm that comes over me when I tell myself I don't have to try anymore. Of course, that's followed by feeling really upset and frustrated that I don't feel able to just end things now. Still- sometimes even that feels safer than pushing myself out into the world again. That doesn't appeal now at all. In terms of suicidal feelings though- no- they don't feel forced at all. They feel like the natural conclusion for me.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Honestly yes. I self-sabotaged, pushed people away, and donated all my items and didn't obtain higher education to make my life as bleak and depressing as possible to will myself to attempt.

 

[Maeve]

Inmade my plan and date got even the plane ticket and the ok from security to bring my sn with me and now my Si got really strong I don't even know if i want to go through suddenly my friens like seam to care more bout me and stuff fuck ahhhh i wish i could just leave without leaving people or live and not think of suicide but this thos sucks

 

[MiMif]

Honestly yes. I self-sabotaged, pushed people away, and donated all my items and didn't obtain higher education to make my life as bleak and depressing as possible to will myself to attempt.

Omg I relate to this so much besides I still suffer through school cause my parents pay for it. Love you

Honestly yes. I self-sabotaged, pushed people away, and donated all my items and didn't obtain higher education to make my life as bleak and depressing as possible to will myself to attempt.

Inmade my plan and date got even the plane ticket and the ok from security to bring my sn with me and now my Si got really strong I don't even know if i want to go through suddenly my friens like seam to care more bout me and stuff fuck ahhhh i wish i could just leave without leaving people or live and not think of suicide but this thos sucks

I feel like the exact same way as you. Suddenly the friends I felt abandoned me and didn't give a damn about me are acting like they care again...I'm conflicted.

 

[Foreverix]

I forced myself to go to work, to smile, to socialize, to go for walks, to eat healthier, to shower, to brush my teeth, to check in with family, to work overtime, to make sure my bills were paid, to challenge negative thoughts, to go to therapy, get my groceries, etc.

Suicidal thoughts I've never willed. They were always just there, calling.

 

[dazed_dreamer]

I don't think its possible to force yourself to be suicidal.. But I do think change is scary, particularly when it comes to perspective, and it can be comforting to remain within the same train of thought rather than actively seeking to change it. Right now, I don't know whether I ever will ctb, or gain the courage to really try. But I feel a deep connection to the part of myself that craves death, and it feels unsettling to me to consider moving away from it. Would I have to, in order to ever successfully pursue recovery? Most likely. Is that preventing me from wanting to pursue recovery at all? Perhaps. Am I now stuck at a weird cross roads? Yes, absolutely. But I've made peace with that.

I haven't clearly thought of it in this way, but this resonates a lot with me. There's a comfort in having that option, when life gets overwhelming. When I get overwhelmed at the thought of all I need to do to set up a decent, productive life for myself and how intangible that feels with my mental illness, I distract myself with fantasies of suicide.

I'd say I've made progress in recovery from depression, but it's still a prominent part of my life. I now feel my "default" state exists outside of my depression, with that voice that takes over me during bad days and episodes feeling foreign. But when I do slip, in that moment it feels like I'm coming back into my self--the version that's been there for 10 years, rather than a few months. Like my more recovered mindset is just a delusion, a stack of cards that the slightest breeze, the slightest dilemma after the honeymoon phase, will completely collapse.

I guess I'm a bit further along, as I'd say I'm somewhat recovered, so I'll say this: it feels weird, you'll still feel pulled in two directions, maybe we always will be. But the pull in the brighter direction does get stronger slowly over time-- not linearly, but consistently. It's a strange loss of comfort from previously using suicidal ideation as escapism, and even a partial loss of identity if it's been chronic. But I'd say the discomfort is worth it to create that sense of separation between your suicidality and yourself, to come out of a bad episode with a moment of gratitude for being alive, the fresh air, the gentle sun, the feeling of the fresh breeze on your face.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm not doing the forcing. Life is.

 

[dazed_dreamer]

I forced myself to go to work, to smile, to socialize, to go for walks, to eat healthier, to shower, to brush my teeth, to check in with family, to work overtime, to make sure my bills were paid, to challenge negative thoughts, to go to therapy, get my groceries, etc.

Suicidal thoughts I've never willed. They were always just there, calling.

Do you think this makes you less suicidal? I'm on a similar grind, but I'm wondering whether it's genuinely paying off, or just creating a cycle of denial through distraction, then inevitable burnout, depression, and suicidality. I wonder if I'm really making progress or just running, you know?
But maybe the real, achievable goal isn't erradicated suicidal thoughts, but the avoidance itself? Should I appreciate the temporary distraction the running gives and the life I manage to build within it, and have mercy on myself in the burn out? Idek...

Honestly yes. I self-sabotaged, pushed people away, and donated all my items and didn't obtain higher education to make my life as bleak and depressing as possible to will myself to attempt.

I'm honestly curious about this. What motivated you to do it? Did you have more assets and potential in life but were still suicidal, just not enough to ctb? Do you regret any of it? Did others in your life say anything about it?

 

[dogbreath]

There are times where I wanna die because life is boring and I really don't wanna participate in it anymore cause of how boring it but there are also times where I feel like I need to die so I can preserve my image. Currently my parents are paying for my college tuition and are financially helping me cause they want me to graduate and succeed in life but I don't think I can meet their expectations. 100% feel like i'm gonna end up in a ditch somewhere homeless + starving and I don't want my parents or siblings to see that so its best to just die now so I don't become an embarrassment. In general I just feel like im gonna make a fool of myself in the future ( already struggling with making friends on campus) so I need to end it all now before everyone ends up hating me or something

 

[sserafim]

I'm not doing the forcing. Life is.

Literally

 

[dialogos]

I forced myself to go to work, to smile, to socialize, to go for walks, to eat healthier, to shower, to brush my teeth, to check in with family, to work overtime, to make sure my bills were paid, to challenge negative thoughts, to go to therapy, get my groceries, etc.

Suicidal thoughts I've never willed. They were always just there, calling.

I haven't clearly thought of it in this way, but this resonates a lot with me. There's a comfort in having that option, when life gets overwhelming. When I get overwhelmed at the thought of all I need to do to set up a decent, productive life for myself and how intangible that feels with my mental illness, I distract myself with fantasies of suicide.

I'd say I've made progress in recovery from depression, but it's still a prominent part of my life. I now feel my "default" state exists outside of my depression, with that voice that takes over me during bad days and episodes feeling foreign. But when I do slip, in that moment it feels like I'm coming back into my self--the version that's been there for 10 years, rather than a few months. Like my more recovered mindset is just a delusion, a stack of cards that the slightest breeze, the slightest dilemma after the honeymoon phase, will completely collapse.

I guess I'm a bit further along, as I'd say I'm somewhat recovered, so I'll say this: it feels weird, you'll still feel pulled in two directions, maybe we always will be. But the pull in the brighter direction does get stronger slowly over time-- not linearly, but consistently. It's a strange loss of comfort from previously using suicidal ideation as escapism, and even a partial loss of identity if it's been chronic. But I'd say the discomfort is worth it to create that sense of separation between your suicidality and yourself, to come out of a bad episode with a moment of gratitude for being alive, the fresh air, the gentle sun, the feeling of the fresh breeze on your face.

I'm not doing the forcing. Life is.

Its a force that keeps pulling and calling but mostly whispers and taps, when bad things in life forces me to thud down loudly. It's as if these forces are working together.
If I don't end myself, these other forces connive to make life not worth living under these bad conditions, so the other force taps and whispers, "end it".
I hate being played around because I feel a lot of evil manipulating this world, regardless of human origin or not.
So to piss them off, I hang around just a bit longer. I'm not strong but I'm sure they get pissed off.
Things do fall in place after some time.
Prayer helps a lot to fight off these dark forces.

 

[lwlaiet8887]

My body is so messed up and debilitating I see it as a necessity. Sure I could plod along but I'd only become more miserable as time passes so it's not worth it. I have been trying very hard the recent past 5 years to get my life together although I've only ever failed and repeatedly at that. I can never be the man I wanna be so toss it to the wind and be done with it.

 

[d3j3ct3dl0s3r05]

Deep down I want to be to live the rest of my life with someone I love who supports me in all my endeavours and encourages me to be a better me. I want a quirky/silly group of friends of which I'm a core member of and not just an outsider. I just want to be loved honestly but unfortunately I'm just annoying, unlikeable and doomed to be isolated forever. I don't want to die but I have to do it for the greater good

 

[dazed_dreamer]

Deep down I want to be to live the rest of my life with someone I love who supports me in all my endeavours and encourages me to be a better me. I want a quirky/silly group of friends of which I'm a core member of and not just an outsider. I just want to be loved honestly but unfortunately I'm just annoying, unlikeable and doomed to be isolated forever. I don't want to die but I have to do it for the greater good

This is relatable. I also would love that sort of romantic partner, but I would want/need to be that same anchor for them as well, and I'm not sure if I'm capable of consistently being that for someone else at this point. I think most all of us are ultimately seeking love, and the rampancy of isolation and atomization today is driving up depression rates (imo).
Do you perceive yourself as at outsider, or has it been made more legitimately clear to you in action? I feel a similar sense a lot of the time, but often times it's just my insecurity convincing me I'm on the outside or unwanted, and a self-fulfilling prophecy of avoidance borne from that insecurity.

 

[MidnightDream]

I haven't clearly thought of it in this way, but this resonates a lot with me. There's a comfort in having that option, when life gets overwhelming. When I get overwhelmed at the thought of all I need to do to set up a decent, productive life for myself and how intangible that feels with my mental illness, I distract myself with fantasies of suicide.

I'd say I've made progress in recovery from depression, but it's still a prominent part of my life. I now feel my "default" state exists outside of my depression, with that voice that takes over me during bad days and episodes feeling foreign. But when I do slip, in that moment it feels like I'm coming back into my self--the version that's been there for 10 years, rather than a few months. Like my more recovered mindset is just a delusion, a stack of cards that the slightest breeze, the slightest dilemma after the honeymoon phase, will completely collapse.

I guess I'm a bit further along, as I'd say I'm somewhat recovered, so I'll say this: it feels weird, you'll still feel pulled in two directions, maybe we always will be. But the pull in the brighter direction does get stronger slowly over time-- not linearly, but consistently. It's a strange loss of comfort from previously using suicidal ideation as escapism, and even a partial loss of identity if it's been chronic. But I'd say the discomfort is worth it to create that sense of separation between your suicidality and yourself, to come out of a bad episode with a moment of gratitude for being alive, the fresh air, the gentle sun, the feeling of the fresh breeze on your face.

That's.. exactly how I feel. Wow. It sounds a bit vain but I never really considered that other people may feel exactly the same way I do.. and it's incredibly comforting to read your experience and have it mirror mine so closely. You're absolutely right, it does feel like being pulled in two directions, and I do question which version of myself is the 'real' one more than I probably should. That loss of identity that you mention is exactly what I've been afraid of, and almost definitely what has prevented me from taking any further steps into recovery.. So I really appreciate you sharing what lies beyond that. It sounds really, really nice.

 

[d3j3ct3dl0s3r05]

This is relatable. I also would love that sort of romantic partner, but I would want/need to be that same anchor for them as well, and I'm not sure if I'm capable of consistently being that for someone else at this point. I think most all of us are ultimately seeking love, and the rampancy of isolation and atomization today is driving up depression rates (imo).
Do you perceive yourself as at outsider, or has it been made more legitimately clear to you in action? I feel a similar sense a lot of the time, but often times it's just my insecurity convincing me I'm on the outside or unwanted, and a self-fulfilling prophecy of avoidance borne from that insecurity.

I didn't initially see myself as an outsider but had to eventually accept and adopt the label after continuous negative experiences at both home and school (or more recently, work) made me realise that I must be some anomaly in the system. Things don't make sense to me and I don't make much sense to others. There's just this inherent mismatch between myself and society and I'd much rather not be perceived at all, than perceived as an outsider to be honest.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Do you think this makes you less suicidal? I'm on a similar grind, but I'm wondering whether it's genuinely paying off, or just creating a cycle of denial through distraction, then inevitable burnout, depression, and suicidality. I wonder if I'm really making progress or just running, you know?
But maybe the real, achievable goal isn't erradicated suicidal thoughts, but the avoidance itself? Should I appreciate the temporary distraction the running gives and the life I manage to build within it, and have mercy on myself in the burn out? Idek...

I'm honestly curious about this. What motivated you to do it? Did you have more assets and potential in life but were still suicidal, just not enough to ctb? Do you regret any of it? Did others in your life say anything about it?

I'm not sure what you mean.

Motivate me to do what?

What do you mean by not being suicidal enough to ctb? Are you referring to why my attempt failed?

Not offended by anything you said. Just trying to understand what you're asking so I can provide a more thorough response. I appreciate your interest. It's a story I need to tell.

 

[vitbar]

Sort of. When in a depressive episode I engage in behaviours that push me up to the edge of suicide. Sometimes I know I am doing this. Ideally I won't do it and instead find a way to live a decent life. I want the pain to stop, not for life to stop exactly.

Some of this is tricky to untangle. Where do I end and my mental illnesses begin? There isn't a clean divide imo. Either way the depression leads to self destructive behaviours. Does it force me, or should that be I, or even we?

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Not forcing myself at all. The world is forcing me. You need tio lie, cheat and steal to get ahead in this world - and I'm just not about that. If there was an easy way to CTB, I'd be gone by now.

 

[dazed_dreamer]

There are times where I wanna die because life is boring and I really don't wanna participate in it anymore cause of how boring it but there are also times where I feel like I need to die so I can preserve my image. Currently my parents are paying for my college tuition and are financially helping me cause they want me to graduate and succeed in life but I don't think I can meet their expectations. 100% feel like i'm gonna end up in a ditch somewhere homeless + starving and I don't want my parents or siblings to see that so its best to just die now so I don't become an embarrassment. In general I just feel like im gonna make a fool of myself in the future ( already struggling with making friends on campus) so I need to end it all now before everyone ends up hating me or something

I can relate, I'm being supported through college, things objectively are pretty good right now. But I can already feel the cracks breaking through; I'm unreliable with my frequent depressive spells, my GPA isn't great because I'm scatter-minded, have a hard time organizing my tasks, and am just not that smart. People had high expectations of me, I was pretty bright when I was younger, but that started to dim once my mental health issues flared up. I suspect I may have some cognitive/executive function problems from a particularly bad time a couple years ago.

While I'm still in school, there's more mercy for my failures; my professors and other mentors are generally understanding and flexible, and struggling in a class, undergrad lab work, etc. doesn't have the consequences of screwing up in the "real world." I'm terrified of what will happen to me when I graduate, because I know that flexibility is a lot harder to come by out there. And I hate myself for needing that accomodation anyway.

Another aspect is the easier socializing. I've also built a decent community for myself here (after a lot of time and a lot of progress with my social anxiety), because I had to in order to survive. But without the structure of college, I don't know what I'll do. My internship this summer was a taste of that--back in my hometown, a 9 to 5 research job I was useless at, and a lot less social opportunities, and within a month I had majorly regressed mentally. I could really see myself C'ing TB (lol) after graduation...

If it's any encouragement, do know I was almost completely alone my first three semesters, before slowly confronting my social anxiety, going out a bit, and connecting with like-minded people/comfortable communities, and it was absolutely a life line. As well, on-campus psych resources may be helpful, even if not great. I didn't really learn anything from my on-campus therapist, but they at least were someone to talk to, and the psychiatrist helped too. Those two things have made college bearable for me, no idea what to do from here though. DM if you want to hear more about my experiences, as a junior who was super similar to you as a freshman (and still am).

Sort of. When in a depressive episode I engage in behaviours that push me up to the edge of suicide. Sometimes I know I am doing this. Ideally I won't do it and instead find a way to live a decent life. I want the pain to stop, not for life to stop exactly.

Some of this is tricky to untangle. Where do I end and my mental illnesses begin? There isn't a clean divide imo. Either way the depression leads to self destructive behaviours. Does it force me, or should that be I, or even we?

That question has been haunting me for years: to what extent is this in my control? What is the line between my personality and my illness? Are they two separate entities, the happier "I" and the monstrous "it," or an entangled "we"...

I'm not sure what you mean.

Motivate me to do what?

What do you mean by not being suicidal enough to ctb? Are you referring to why my attempt failed?

Not offended by anything you said. Just trying to understand what you're asking so I can provide a more thorough response. I appreciate your interest. It's a story I need to tell.

Sorry for the confusion! I hope I can explain this better--It sounds like you previously had more people in your life, educational opportunities, valuable items, etc., but were still suicidal, which of course makes sense and is common.
I'm curious why you intentionally self-sabotaged and gave up some opportunities. I've heard similar stories of self-sabotage, it's just something I've never done or fully understood the motivation for. And this stems from genuine curiosity and wanting to empathize, because this could totally come across as more condescending questioning lol
tldr-what motivated the self-sabotage, if you want to elaborate (no obligation ofc)

 

[Cloud Busting]

Sort of. When in a depressive episode I engage in behaviours that push me up to the edge of suicide. Sometimes I know I am doing this. Ideally I won't do it and instead find a way to live a decent life. I want the pain to stop, not for life to stop exactly.

Some of this is tricky to untangle. Where do I end and my mental illnesses begin? There isn't a clean divide imo. Either way the depression leads to self destructive behaviours. Does it force me, or should that be I, or even we?

This is exactly it. You've nailed it. I relate so much, and it's exactly what happened before I attempted to CTB. Interestingly, after I failed, I realized all my self-sabotaging efforts that ostensibly fucked my life "forever" were actually fixable. I still haven't mended all of them and it's been two weeks since the attempt, but I'm going easy on myself. I'm exhausted. I'll fix my life when it's time. But donating all my possessions and factory resetting my phone was not the death sentence I assumed it was.

I too want to end my pain, not life. So when I'm in a depressive episode, I make decisions that make life unbearable to get me to act on my suicidal thoughts. That way it's not just pain that I want to end; it's life as well, because it's ruined now! I'm usually not aware I'm doing it, so you have better insight than me.

also yes, the chicken and the egg question. Is it my depression, or is it me? At this point, does it matter?

Do you see depression as intertwined to you, an extension of yourself, or separated from yourself?

 

[vitbar]

This is exactly it. You've nailed it. I relate so much, and it's exactly what happened before I attempted to CTB. Interestingly, after I failed, I realized all my self-sabotaging efforts that ostensibly fucked my life "forever" were actually fixable. I still haven't mended all of them and it's been two weeks since the attempt, but I'm going easy on myself. I'm exhausted. I'll fix my life when it's time. But donating all my possessions and factory resetting my phone was not the death sentence I assumed it was.

I too want to end my pain, not life. So when I'm in a depressive episode, I make decisions that make life unbearable to get me to act on my suicidal thoughts. That way it's not just pain that I want to end; it's life as well, because it's ruined now! I'm usually not aware I'm doing it, so you have better insight than me.

also yes, the chicken and the egg question. Is it my depression, or is it me? At this point, does it matter?

Do you see depression as intertwined to you, an extension of yourself, or separated from yourself?

I'm glad to hear you are able to be kind with yourself. I'm on a similar path having gone from my worst depressive episode to finding some antidepressants that work for me.

Often I'm not aware in the moment. Depression can be like a paid of blinders that stop you seeing any possible route out. The way it narrows everything down is really insidious.

I don't think it really matters. I suspect a concrete answer is out of reach anyway. After so many years it shaped me and I shaped it. I frame the depression in different ways at different times and try and frame it in ways that are helpful. I treat it as separate when challenging certain thought patterns for instance; I'll tell myself it is the depression talking. Other times framing it as part of me gives me more agency over it and helps avoid being passive and letting it drive. I believe there is truth in each way it can be framed.