I've noticed this personally. Not that I've achieved all I aimed for in life by any means. But then, when I have achieved some things (mostly via a creative job,) they then weren't so much something to be proud of. There were still either things I still wasn't happy with or, they still weren't as good as they could have been or, as good as other people's achievements. Other people being pleased with the result would bring some relief but then, not totally.
To an extent, it's been good to have this. It meant there was never a sense of having accomplished enough so- there were then new things to strive for.
On the other hand though, not experiencing much joy from achieving certain goals means it makes you then question whether any other or higher goals are worth struggling towards. If none are going to bring satisfaction- why bother?
I suppose because there was also a sense of failure if I didn't try at all. Plus, the practical danger that I may have to return to a menial job that I would hate even more- I would and still do try.
More strangely, a boss of mine once commented that I shrugged compliments off- as if someone else had done the work. Partly, it's because I know there are far better people out there than me. People I would never reach their standard- no matter how hard I tried. So, their compliments didn't even feel that accurate.
Also though, being creative became my coping mechanism in a difficult period in childhood. It was my means of escaping this world. So, to some extent- I get lost in work. It's appealing because of that. Because- for some periods during that work, I was so preoccupied in what I was doing- it was more like I didn't exist for that period. I suppose then- complimenting that feels wrong because the need to try and escape this world in the first place is mal- adjusted. Why celebrate a trauma response- effectively?
Does anyone else experience this?
To an extent, it's been good to have this. It meant there was never a sense of having accomplished enough so- there were then new things to strive for.
On the other hand though, not experiencing much joy from achieving certain goals means it makes you then question whether any other or higher goals are worth struggling towards. If none are going to bring satisfaction- why bother?
I suppose because there was also a sense of failure if I didn't try at all. Plus, the practical danger that I may have to return to a menial job that I would hate even more- I would and still do try.
More strangely, a boss of mine once commented that I shrugged compliments off- as if someone else had done the work. Partly, it's because I know there are far better people out there than me. People I would never reach their standard- no matter how hard I tried. So, their compliments didn't even feel that accurate.
Also though, being creative became my coping mechanism in a difficult period in childhood. It was my means of escaping this world. So, to some extent- I get lost in work. It's appealing because of that. Because- for some periods during that work, I was so preoccupied in what I was doing- it was more like I didn't exist for that period. I suppose then- complimenting that feels wrong because the need to try and escape this world in the first place is mal- adjusted. Why celebrate a trauma response- effectively?
Does anyone else experience this?
