Venting Divorce

[StalkedByDeath]

To start, I've been suicidal since I was 9 years old, with several attempts over the years. I'm now almost 25, and I finally found something that made the pain worth it: My wife. I still struggled, but the pain was worth fighting through for our future. I started attending school again to work towards a PhD and had nearly a 4.0, and volunteered in 4 different labs. We went on so many vacations and I got to see so many places. Her presence is what made those trips so enjoyable. I was diagnosed with BPD in 2017, and it made so much sense. Unfortunately, I never truly got ahold on my behaviors that result from constant worrying...

I've been looking for therapists, and I finally found one, but last week my wife decided that she was done... Believing things would never get better.... She left, and refuses to talk to me... I'm pretty sure she's moving in with her mother out of state soon. I can barely function now. I had to withdraw from all my classes, and it's so hard to hang on. Her leaving made me realize that a PhD isn't even what I want... I'd rather get a Master's so we can start a family and build a life of our own asap... I feel terrible for my behaviors, and although I wish I had done more to control it, take time off school to focus on therapy, it's too late now... We both love each other, and I know she's hurting, but she's reached her breaking point and while I understand, I don't know how to cope with her leaving.... I don't want a future that she's not a part of, that doesn't involve her having my kids, that doesn't involve waking up next to her every day.... I will never stop wearing my ring and holding to my vows until my day comes, even after a divorce goes through if I'm still here for it. I finally found the one person that made the pain worth it, and I pushed her away.... I feel so lost, and so helpless. I don't want to die, I want to be with my wife, but death is the only thing that will bring me comfort since that's not an option... I don't know what to do, the pain is unbearable....

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I began suffering from clinical depression aged 7.
My condition has now been diagnosed as persistent untreatable depression after years of failing to find meds or therapy that work.
This illness has ruined so many things in my life including relationships.
I understand how you are feeling because I've been through the same things too, and it's beyond heartbreaking.
I hope you find something that works for you as regards meds and therapy.

 

[StalkedByDeath]

I began suffering from clinical depression aged 7.
My condition has now been diagnosed as persistent untreatable depression after years of failing to find meds or therapy that work.
This illness has ruined so many things in my life including relationships.
I understand how you are feeling because I've been through the same things too, and it's beyond heartbreaking.
I hope you find something that works for you as regards meds and therapy.

Thank you for your reply. I honestly am trying to hold on... But I don't know how long I can manage. How long I can force myself to live with the pain. How I can get over losing my wife, the only person I've ever truly loved, the only person that ever gave me hope for a future, and pushed me to work on creating a future worth living for... I'm trying, but I have SN for when I decide to go, and if I can't bring myself to do that/it doesn't work I am fluent with partial and fairly decent with getting the carotids. Like I said... I just want my wife back... I just want to talk to her, and tell her all the realizations, and continue to work to be the husband I want to be... But that's not going to happen...

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Thank you for your reply. I honestly am trying to hold on... But I don't know how long I can manage. How long I can force myself to live with the pain. How I can get over losing my wife, the only person I've ever truly loved, the only person that ever gave me hope for a future, and pushed me to work on creating a future worth living for... I'm trying, but I have SN for when I decide to go, and if I can't bring myself to do that/it doesn't work I am fluent with partial and fairly decent with getting the carotids. Like I said... I just want my wife back... I just want to talk to her, and tell her all the realizations, and continue to work to be the husband I want to be... But that's not going to happen...

Yes, it's soul-crushing.
I lost someone very special to me once.
I loved her more than life itself.
The finality of losing her was beyond painful.
I'm never getting attached to anyone ever again, I would rather be alone now.
Yet maybe there is hope for you yet, maybe you can give it another try and work things out.

 

[StalkedByDeath]

Yes, it's soul-crushing.
I lost someone very special to me once.
I loved her more than life itself.
The finality of losing her was beyond painful.
I'm never getting attached to anyone ever again, I would rather be alone now.
Yet maybe there is hope for you yet, maybe you can give it another try and work things out.

I wish I could... With the life directions I've changed my mind on, and with therapy, I truly believe it would work and she would be happy with the person I become... The person I've always wanted to be.... But she's given up.. She's a dismissive avoidant, and I have an anxious attachment, so it is hard. She left... She won't talk to me at all... And she's moving out of state.... The chances of reconciliation aren't there anymore... All I want is her to give it a chance, and to work with me to better our marriage, but she refuses.. And with my attachment/protective problems I've had I'm sure anyone in her support circle is telling her to stay away.... I know I have problems, I've been actively trying to fix them, but I truly love her with all my heart and will always love her. I will never stop wearing my wedding ring because I will stand by my commitments. But she'll never know anything....

 

[saddavyd]

We are designed to become attached to our loved ones and we suffer when we are separated permanently from them. It's the cost of love.

In order to carry on without them we have to grieve. It's so incredibly painful but it is a process too that comes to an end in time, although it is complex and sometimes seems like it is getting worse again. But it is grief and each day is progress through it. Grief comes in waves. It is a process that allows you to adjust and accept the loss. Please hang in there.

You will get through this. You are getting through this. Each day is a win. Many millions of people get through this. You can too.

Because you have BPD, it may well be worse for you emotionally than most, but you can do this. Your pain will subside in time and you will be able to carry on with your life and move on.

I lost my son to suicide in 2016. He was 23. I have bipolar with BPD traits and it was the most painful experience imaginable. He was suffering from loss of his granny and grandad. He couldn't get through it. I will miss him forever.

I do think the best thing for you is to not see her. It will make it easier for you to get over her. Likewise taking off the wedding ring.

I wish you well.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I wish I could... With the life directions I've changed my mind on, and with therapy, I truly believe it would work and she would be happy with the person I become... The person I've always wanted to be.... But she's given up.. She's a dismissive avoidant, and I have an anxious attachment, so it is hard. She left... She won't talk to me at all... And she's moving out of state.... The chances of reconciliation aren't there anymore... All I want is her to give it a chance, and to work with me to better our marriage, but she refuses.. And with my attachment/protective problems I've had I'm sure anyone in her support circle is telling her to stay away.... I know I have problems, I've been actively trying to fix them, but I truly love her with all my heart and will always love her. I will never stop wearing my wedding ring because I will stand by my commitments. But she'll never know anything....

I suffer from limerance , which is basically a profound romantic attachment to someone, yet not in a creepy kind of way.
I guess I'm just too sensitive and love too much.
And yes, I understand anxious attachment all too well, it's exhausting.
So sorry you are going through this.

 

[doneforlife]

I suffer from limerance , which is basically a profound romantic attachment to someone, yet not in a creepy kind of way.
I guess I'm just too sensitive and love too much.
And yes, I understand anxious attachment all too well, it's exhausting.
So sorry you are going through this.

I learned a new thing today. ..

 

[StalkedByDeath]

We are designed to become attached to our loved ones and we suffer when we are separated permanently from them. It's the cost of love.

In order to carry on without them we have to grieve. It's so incredibly painful but it is a process too that comes to an end in time, although it is complex and sometimes seems like it is getting worse again. But it is grief and each day is progress through it. Grief comes in waves. It is a process that allows you to adjust and accept the loss. Please hang in there.

You will get through this. You are getting through this. Each day is a win. Many millions of people get through this. You can too.

Because you have BPD, it may well be worse for you emotionally than most, but you can do this. Your pain will subside in time and you will be able to carry on with your life and move on.

I lost my son to suicide in 2016. He was 23. I have bipolar with BPD traits and it was the most painful experience imaginable. He was suffering from loss of his granny and grandad. He couldn't get through it. I will miss him forever.

I wish you well.

Thank you. I know my mother would be in a similar position as you were with your son, and I'm around the same age. My father possibly even worse than my mother; they're divorced, we live together, and I'm his only son. My younger sister avoids him at all costs. He said he'll make my car/insurance payments while I get through this, but it's so hard... I don't know how long I can do this.... My wife is everything to me. No matter how our relationship deteriorated on account of my mental health (and her refusing counseling; I do understand I'm not 100% to blame), I have always loved her with all my heart since the day we met, through all our struggles, and even if I heal I always will.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I learned a new thing today. ..

Do you mean " Limerance " ?

 

[StalkedByDeath]

I suffer from limerance , which is basically a profound romantic attachment to someone, yet not in a creepy kind of way.
I guess I'm just too sensitive and love too much.
And yes, I understand anxious attachment all too well, it's exhausting.
So sorry you are going through this.

I definitely have that problem too. As unhealthy as it is, I find meaning through relationships, and never have I found meaning or a reason to live stronger than with my wife... I was looking forward to my future for the first time in forever, since at least 8 years old when I started therapy. Because of that I am terrified of being hurt... I read into things too much... I'm always looking for things that would hurt me, which is seen as "trying to start stuff", but I'm really not.... I know my behaviors are completely out of pocket, and that they're what ultimately pushed my wife away.... I wanted to work on them, but 90% of therapists are telehealth nowadays which doesn't work, and because she's an avoidant she refused counseling; marriage or individual. Even though it would help me, she couldn't bring herself to do it... She had problems communicating, and I'd get upset because I didn't understand her attachment style until after our separation..... There is so much I would have done differently, and although I forgive her for everything on her end, I know she doesn't forgive me for mine, and sees things as hopeless... I would give anything to get back together with what I know now, and with my therapy appointments, but life doesn't work that way..... It's too late...

 

[saddavyd]

Thank you. I know my mother would be in a similar position as you were with your son, and I'm around the same age. My father possibly even worse than my mother; they're divorced, we live together, and I'm his only son. My younger sister avoids him at all costs. He said he'll make my car/insurance payments while I get through this, but it's so hard... I don't know how long I can do this.... My wife is everything to me. No matter how our relationship deteriorated on account of my mental health (and her refusing counseling; I do understand I'm not 100% to blame), I have always loved her with all my heart since the day we met, through all our struggles, and even if I heal I always will.

You seem, in general, to have a balanced view of things. However it would be worth using language like 'when I heal' not 'if I heal', because you will and because it will help you to recover more quickly.

You will work through your grief for as long as it takes. It sometimes helps to limit it to just a day, sometimes less than that. You can do a day. You only really need to get through the present moment and you can do that. If it's 'survival mode' at times then that's good enough.

 

[StalkedByDeath]

You seem, in general, to have a balanced view of things. However it would be worth using language like 'when I heal' not 'if I heal', because you will and because it will help you to recover more quickly.

You will work through your grief for as long as it takes. It sometimes helps to limit it to just a day, sometimes less than that. You can do a day. You only really need to get through the present moment and you can do that. If it's 'survival mode' at times then that's good enough.

It's my Achilles heel. I am generally an extremely rational, logical person. All my beliefs are based on scientific reasoning. However, when it comes to emotions I am very "unintelligent". I have very little emotional intelligence. I'd like to use "when I heal", but I truly don't know if I will. Perhaps it would be beneficial to tell myself that to trick my brain, but it's hard. I guess part of me doesn't want to heal. All I know is I don't want to live without my wife, and to heal means to put in tremendous effort (if I even can heal). I have gone through the process of getting antiemetics, and I received my sodium nitrite, so all that's left is benzos which given my severe mental health issues I shouldn't have a hard time getting again, so if I reach a point where I'm tired of hurting, I will see to my way out. It's comforting to know I have a way out other than partial hanging, which is a bit tricky, but at the same time I will admit it is a dangerous thing to have as far as "accepting the healing process" goes. If the pain doesn't go away I don't want to try. Quite frankly, I want to heal for my wife... In hopes that some day she'll come back, even if not-so-deep down I know she's gone for good...

 

[doneforlife]

Do you mean " Limerance " ?

Yes .