sannoji
dreaming of flying
- May 4, 2023
- 80
dissociation has always been a sort of escape for me ever since i was a little kid, and at some point in my childhood i guess it got bad enough for me to end up with DID. DID feels like the ultimate form of dissociative escapism. like, as an alter, i can get a different alter to front and i don't remember anything until it's my turn to deal with life again. it's just blackness, kind of like a timeskip. i'd kind of hope that death is a little bit like that.
worst part is, i'm not even meant to be the alter that's doing bad. i don't even remember most of the trauma that happened to cause this. there are tons of parts who do and it's like they're just always suffering. i wasn't even the part who made this account so i guess someone in there is definitely not doing amazing.
sometimes it feels weirdly selfish for me to want to "escape" by switching out because i'm supposed to be the one who can handle living the best. it's just so hard most of the time. even without the burden of most of the cptsd symptoms i still get everything else. i can't imagine how much pain the trauma alters are in, and how much we must be in collectively. it makes me worry about lowering dissociative barriers, honestly… i was the alter who wanted to act like i didn't have DID at all to my psych because i'm a little scared of that. i don't want things to get worse for me, but i don't want to have that all piled on my other parts.
i've heard a lot that recovery from this kinda disorder will get worse before it gets better. i don't know how well i could take that at the moment. maybe i do agree with whatever alter made this account that one day we should just all agree to be finished and ctb. i don't know. everything sucks and everything is great, every single day. it feels polar like that.
i don't know. dissociation protects me from the worst of it, i know that, but it scares me that this is like easy mode when it's so difficult for me sometimes.
worst part is, i'm not even meant to be the alter that's doing bad. i don't even remember most of the trauma that happened to cause this. there are tons of parts who do and it's like they're just always suffering. i wasn't even the part who made this account so i guess someone in there is definitely not doing amazing.
sometimes it feels weirdly selfish for me to want to "escape" by switching out because i'm supposed to be the one who can handle living the best. it's just so hard most of the time. even without the burden of most of the cptsd symptoms i still get everything else. i can't imagine how much pain the trauma alters are in, and how much we must be in collectively. it makes me worry about lowering dissociative barriers, honestly… i was the alter who wanted to act like i didn't have DID at all to my psych because i'm a little scared of that. i don't want things to get worse for me, but i don't want to have that all piled on my other parts.
i've heard a lot that recovery from this kinda disorder will get worse before it gets better. i don't know how well i could take that at the moment. maybe i do agree with whatever alter made this account that one day we should just all agree to be finished and ctb. i don't know. everything sucks and everything is great, every single day. it feels polar like that.
i don't know. dissociation protects me from the worst of it, i know that, but it scares me that this is like easy mode when it's so difficult for me sometimes.
