ferret-in-a-sock
Member
- Jan 25, 2023
- 72
i just have not been feeling well at all recently. What's more is my mental state is reflected in an opportunistic staph infection (thank you immune system for being utterly useless) and so with extra work I picked up on the horizon, when I was invited to go ziplining and out for lunch I thought "Let's take it."
I know in DBT and general therapy they promote "You have to MEAN it when you act opposite of your feelings. You should put on a smile and tell yourself you're happy."
But I'm not really able to feel present enough to be...well present like the method requires and it didn't work.
It feels like a cop out that you have to fake happiness until you are happy.
I felt dead inside, and dissociation crept up even on a zipline to the point friends of my coworker who invited me said "why do you look sad? You don't look happy." I shrugged it off and insisted I just have resting b*ch face.
I felt bad because I didn't mean to kill the mood.
Worse is we rode Uber and it's first time sitting front seat since my car accident and both drivers on 2 separate trips made very, very obvious mistakes that gave me flash backs to my own driving and subsequent crash. It made my appetite vanish right before we were going to eat.
One of the mistakes the first driver made was not slowing before turns and taking them hard in a way that jumps the white line a few inches and my nails shot into my skin and drew blood, remembering that being what got me my car accident. She laughed it off saying "whoops, didn't realize it was that sharp" but I was as pale as a ghost, dripping sweet and grinding my teeth.
The other was the driver staying in left lane despite being at speed limit and traffic being faster, he finally moved over to the right when a teed off motorcyclist finally passed him and gestured harshly to the right. Though while doing so due to not signaling or checking his blindspot he nearly hit another car that slammed on the horn.
I felt clammy getting out of the car both times.Despite being a grown man I was nearly crying.
Just that awareness now of just...I don't know if I can ever be safe, but I need to drive, I need a car, but feel just shaken harder.
I just don't feel good. Worse is also getting a comment on a story I wrote praising it and the "I can't wait to see what you write next" when I haven't managed to for months.
I just feel like a failure. The whole "failure to thrive" kind of talk I got as a teenager rings true. I was always told "you have so much potential, but you don't do anything with it" and then being politely kicked from DBT after my therapist said I was right, I wasn't a good fit for it, and after she said that I just let 4 sessions go unattended so I'd be kicked
Like it would have been cheaper if I just stayed home, shutdown and waited for the dissociation to hit whether I want it to or not. I really didn't want to face trauma I didn't address and like I'm crying now, all over the idea of driving/being in a car because of that fear.
Worse is just the "you can just ground yourself when you dissociate!" I don't get why that's there go to advice. Like my brain is trying to protect me, have you ever considered there's no adequate countermeasure in place. Grounding myself doesn't always mean my brain will go "oh, reality? Like you wanted reality?" Sometimes I ground myself and my brain's like "you got it. Horrifying hallucinations that will make you uneasy and upset. Just like you wanted. Or did you want to be convinced there's bugs buried in your skin? Or did you want to become hyperfocuzed on your body and how you very much don't like it."
Like the 3 options seem to ever be dissociate, sleep and self destruct.
Another of my friends messaged me "You're out of character silent" kinda message, but answering the "are you okay?" is near impossible.
No. Not really. I can send you the message that says "I'm fine" and then you'll stop worrying. I don't know if I want to say that. I don't want to say "I'm not fine" because I don't want to vent to you. You aren't the friend I need to solve problems with. I feel like I'm the problem at the core of it. It might be easier on memories of me if at the end there was one moment where I clearly said "I'm done" and stayed done. You weren't a part of the failed solution or contributing to the problem. You just were. And that's better for us both.
So I don't respond. Because I don't want to reopen the door there. Because my thinking keeps gets more disorganized. And I don't want you to see me get worse.
And as for my other friend. I don't even know what I want anymore. I don't know what I feel or what I want and it's too much to answer. So I just don't. Because they're not in the headspace for it.
And I can't handle it all. I just need my brain to be silent
I know in DBT and general therapy they promote "You have to MEAN it when you act opposite of your feelings. You should put on a smile and tell yourself you're happy."
But I'm not really able to feel present enough to be...well present like the method requires and it didn't work.
It feels like a cop out that you have to fake happiness until you are happy.
I felt dead inside, and dissociation crept up even on a zipline to the point friends of my coworker who invited me said "why do you look sad? You don't look happy." I shrugged it off and insisted I just have resting b*ch face.
I felt bad because I didn't mean to kill the mood.
Worse is we rode Uber and it's first time sitting front seat since my car accident and both drivers on 2 separate trips made very, very obvious mistakes that gave me flash backs to my own driving and subsequent crash. It made my appetite vanish right before we were going to eat.
One of the mistakes the first driver made was not slowing before turns and taking them hard in a way that jumps the white line a few inches and my nails shot into my skin and drew blood, remembering that being what got me my car accident. She laughed it off saying "whoops, didn't realize it was that sharp" but I was as pale as a ghost, dripping sweet and grinding my teeth.
The other was the driver staying in left lane despite being at speed limit and traffic being faster, he finally moved over to the right when a teed off motorcyclist finally passed him and gestured harshly to the right. Though while doing so due to not signaling or checking his blindspot he nearly hit another car that slammed on the horn.
I felt clammy getting out of the car both times.Despite being a grown man I was nearly crying.
Just that awareness now of just...I don't know if I can ever be safe, but I need to drive, I need a car, but feel just shaken harder.
I just don't feel good. Worse is also getting a comment on a story I wrote praising it and the "I can't wait to see what you write next" when I haven't managed to for months.
I just feel like a failure. The whole "failure to thrive" kind of talk I got as a teenager rings true. I was always told "you have so much potential, but you don't do anything with it" and then being politely kicked from DBT after my therapist said I was right, I wasn't a good fit for it, and after she said that I just let 4 sessions go unattended so I'd be kicked
Like it would have been cheaper if I just stayed home, shutdown and waited for the dissociation to hit whether I want it to or not. I really didn't want to face trauma I didn't address and like I'm crying now, all over the idea of driving/being in a car because of that fear.
Worse is just the "you can just ground yourself when you dissociate!" I don't get why that's there go to advice. Like my brain is trying to protect me, have you ever considered there's no adequate countermeasure in place. Grounding myself doesn't always mean my brain will go "oh, reality? Like you wanted reality?" Sometimes I ground myself and my brain's like "you got it. Horrifying hallucinations that will make you uneasy and upset. Just like you wanted. Or did you want to be convinced there's bugs buried in your skin? Or did you want to become hyperfocuzed on your body and how you very much don't like it."
Like the 3 options seem to ever be dissociate, sleep and self destruct.
Another of my friends messaged me "You're out of character silent" kinda message, but answering the "are you okay?" is near impossible.
No. Not really. I can send you the message that says "I'm fine" and then you'll stop worrying. I don't know if I want to say that. I don't want to say "I'm not fine" because I don't want to vent to you. You aren't the friend I need to solve problems with. I feel like I'm the problem at the core of it. It might be easier on memories of me if at the end there was one moment where I clearly said "I'm done" and stayed done. You weren't a part of the failed solution or contributing to the problem. You just were. And that's better for us both.
So I don't respond. Because I don't want to reopen the door there. Because my thinking keeps gets more disorganized. And I don't want you to see me get worse.
And as for my other friend. I don't even know what I want anymore. I don't know what I feel or what I want and it's too much to answer. So I just don't. Because they're not in the headspace for it.
And I can't handle it all. I just need my brain to be silent
