QteStimBnnuy
Qtpuppet
- Feb 9, 2023
- 144
Don't feel the need to read, comment or like. I just need a place to vent, whether or not I delete later probably depends on whether I remember if it exists/if I care. Just my dissatisfaction with the NHS and where I'm at, increasing my already passively increasing thoughts
Not sure how much longer I can really go on, I was meant to commit suicide half a year ago- but couple of my friends caught on and took me out of it while I was left in a trance like state. Now it's not really on my list because well fuck, I'm here. That's that. Just that I hate how held back I am in everything, a variety of untreated mental health issues, insanely far behind on education, far behind on general life, behind on a lot. Yet all my friends look up to me a lot and see me as the most intelligent person they've known to date and tell me as such despite being in high end fields, but despite seemingly being on top at 192 and grow to try understand everything/be great at everything; I have nothing for myself and can't take advantage of any of it no matter what I do. Granted there is some aspect of them looking at me like that that may boost how I feel, but whether I have friends, have any comparison to anything or not, I'll still feel the same way. Just utterly stuck. I know I'm capable of being great at things or most things. I'm automatically decent at anything I start, just if I were able to actually do what I want to do and stick to things. Hell I can't even stay consistent with hanging out or talking to my friends to help or encourage/ increase their joy in things more.
See, I point that my default self sounds great and sounds like an ego brag post- they should be completely solveable issues right and I'm just being a prick right? I wish. The apparent good things about me is being said because it greatly adds to my frustration with living and dealing with this. Though woah, behold, I can't do the things I enjoy, I can't stick to the things I want to do, horrible (specifically) short term memory or stay interested in anything. I'm just sort of existing, improving at my new temporary interests, but have no where to go beyond a point because my brain will turn away. I can't focus on irl, education or related because well shit, I can't do those to begin with due to the nature of my issues until they get treated + severe adhd. However, I live in the UK. NHS, go figures. The reputation isn't a joke! I've heard people say minimum of 5 years going through it before they get fully treated if not turned away. Others? 2 (minimum) and haven't heard of it being less than this. I don't even know what point I'm on, just that it took 10 months for my first psychology appointment and it took a whole year+ for her to realize that the issues that have been stuck since forever (aside seemingly psychosis-schizo sided issues which took appearance as a teen)- is actually there! I don't even know how long it took for the first psychiatrist appointment after referal took. I don't want to wait another year because I've lost so much time and of my life and it feels a bit too late for me (I'm 24, yeah I know every age says the exact same line and I know a 50 year old is even capable of going to college and say-become a doctor), I don't want to miss my prime time. Not prime career, I want to try maximize mental capabilities and grow in my current age as quick as possible to try learn and go to college, help my friends and generally be a person I actually want to be; which has been denied my entire life no matter how hard I try. Either that or I just simply want to enjoy time while I'm still relatively young. It frustrates me to an extreme degree knowing what I can do, but can't do any of it no matter what I do (funny to say). I've had several massive breakdowns in my journal when my psychiatrist asked me to try it (he timed it with me admitting I'm self medicating with concerta, so it should have been a bit more possible (it was)). If I wasn't aware as I was to begin with I'm pretty sure they'd just throw me in a ward and call it a day, wasting my life even further while continuing to ignore what I'm trying to tell them. Funny story, I heard of someone attempting suicide and being put in the hospital several times, just to still not get checked out by a psychiatrist once for help. It's just ggs from the beginning if you live here. Even if you get seen it's probably not guaranteed they'll take you seriously or if the meds will even work. If they don't for me, it's genuinely over. I've tried absolutely everything I can
I kind of miss the days blissfully thinking some things were only just due to lacking discipline or I just need to "lock in" or exercise, or optimize my waking, eating, sleep, ect, water intake, start a journal, try abuse my obsessive nature, you name it. I've been at it for over 5 years now when I really wanted to get my life going. But the massive growing up issues combined with the clear mental health issues, I had to drop out of college because it was simply impossible for me to do work I should be capable of doing. It has absolutely nothing to do with its difficulty and that's even worse, it also has absolutely nothing to do with me being told "you have mental disorders so you can't do this"- as popular as that argument is. Even then I was still severely unsure what was going on, nor did I even think it could be one because the issues were so normal to me. There's also the fact I want to go into science fields and grow my education for them, but I'll have to start at the very beginning for official/formal degrees and such, so hey that's gonna be even more time of my life I have to spend from what I should have been able to do many years ago
As of today, Im back to self medicating with speed(amphetamine) to enjoy things more. Just makes it more bearable. However talking to friends, encouraging on some things and my general mass improvement across my hobbies in recent times has me feeling down and returning back to the idea of suicide. Well truth is it has been growing passively again for a while now, getting more heavy nowadays despite things seemingly going well for me in my little areas. I know it's not staying and I will never be able to capitalize on it or do any more than what I'm currently doing and I hate it so much. I usually hate ranting a lot and regret it, I typically had to rip out pages of my journal when I did it because I couldn't stand the idea of it being there. But today it's just hitting hard the more things seemingly get better and the better I feel. The further up I go, there's an equal mental force pulling down. I really don't know how much further it will go or what will happen with it crashes. I really shouldn't be alive by what seems to be law. Yet here I am, waiting on the remainder of my 5(+?) month wait for my next psychiatry appointment that will likely be cancelled again once it comes up in 2 weeks. I've been growing information on going private and that it apparently costs a lot, but I have some doubts. My short term memory, having to re explain every single little detail, the reputation they have in not taking people seriously even if they get significantly quicker appointments, the med costs. Ectect, it all ways heavy on my already garbage functionality. Naturally, as humans and I will do. I shall keep doing what I can and going forward, I just desperately hope this appointment actually sticks and makes significant progress. If it gets delayed another 2 months, I have no idea. Maybe I'll try private as a one last attempt. Regardless, at the moment my more common psychology appointments feel so incredibly pointless to attend to. Yet I do, because I'm desperate and I know by nature I'll always want to keep improving myself, so I'll take what I can get until I either hang myself or get the help I need
All that being said, I feel I should at least add a note that if you are feeling like turning away from the help. It seems to be all one has for official help, so regardless of how trash it is, it's worth going to try get help for the long term if you want it. I just needed to waste a few hours thinking and spilling out my thoughts, so hopefully I can continue doing what little I can enjoy at the moment if it doesn't start getting significantly more heavy. Apologies for the absolute mess of a post if anyone bothered reading
Not sure how much longer I can really go on, I was meant to commit suicide half a year ago- but couple of my friends caught on and took me out of it while I was left in a trance like state. Now it's not really on my list because well fuck, I'm here. That's that. Just that I hate how held back I am in everything, a variety of untreated mental health issues, insanely far behind on education, far behind on general life, behind on a lot. Yet all my friends look up to me a lot and see me as the most intelligent person they've known to date and tell me as such despite being in high end fields, but despite seemingly being on top at 192 and grow to try understand everything/be great at everything; I have nothing for myself and can't take advantage of any of it no matter what I do. Granted there is some aspect of them looking at me like that that may boost how I feel, but whether I have friends, have any comparison to anything or not, I'll still feel the same way. Just utterly stuck. I know I'm capable of being great at things or most things. I'm automatically decent at anything I start, just if I were able to actually do what I want to do and stick to things. Hell I can't even stay consistent with hanging out or talking to my friends to help or encourage/ increase their joy in things more.
See, I point that my default self sounds great and sounds like an ego brag post- they should be completely solveable issues right and I'm just being a prick right? I wish. The apparent good things about me is being said because it greatly adds to my frustration with living and dealing with this. Though woah, behold, I can't do the things I enjoy, I can't stick to the things I want to do, horrible (specifically) short term memory or stay interested in anything. I'm just sort of existing, improving at my new temporary interests, but have no where to go beyond a point because my brain will turn away. I can't focus on irl, education or related because well shit, I can't do those to begin with due to the nature of my issues until they get treated + severe adhd. However, I live in the UK. NHS, go figures. The reputation isn't a joke! I've heard people say minimum of 5 years going through it before they get fully treated if not turned away. Others? 2 (minimum) and haven't heard of it being less than this. I don't even know what point I'm on, just that it took 10 months for my first psychology appointment and it took a whole year+ for her to realize that the issues that have been stuck since forever (aside seemingly psychosis-schizo sided issues which took appearance as a teen)- is actually there! I don't even know how long it took for the first psychiatrist appointment after referal took. I don't want to wait another year because I've lost so much time and of my life and it feels a bit too late for me (I'm 24, yeah I know every age says the exact same line and I know a 50 year old is even capable of going to college and say-become a doctor), I don't want to miss my prime time. Not prime career, I want to try maximize mental capabilities and grow in my current age as quick as possible to try learn and go to college, help my friends and generally be a person I actually want to be; which has been denied my entire life no matter how hard I try. Either that or I just simply want to enjoy time while I'm still relatively young. It frustrates me to an extreme degree knowing what I can do, but can't do any of it no matter what I do (funny to say). I've had several massive breakdowns in my journal when my psychiatrist asked me to try it (he timed it with me admitting I'm self medicating with concerta, so it should have been a bit more possible (it was)). If I wasn't aware as I was to begin with I'm pretty sure they'd just throw me in a ward and call it a day, wasting my life even further while continuing to ignore what I'm trying to tell them. Funny story, I heard of someone attempting suicide and being put in the hospital several times, just to still not get checked out by a psychiatrist once for help. It's just ggs from the beginning if you live here. Even if you get seen it's probably not guaranteed they'll take you seriously or if the meds will even work. If they don't for me, it's genuinely over. I've tried absolutely everything I can
I kind of miss the days blissfully thinking some things were only just due to lacking discipline or I just need to "lock in" or exercise, or optimize my waking, eating, sleep, ect, water intake, start a journal, try abuse my obsessive nature, you name it. I've been at it for over 5 years now when I really wanted to get my life going. But the massive growing up issues combined with the clear mental health issues, I had to drop out of college because it was simply impossible for me to do work I should be capable of doing. It has absolutely nothing to do with its difficulty and that's even worse, it also has absolutely nothing to do with me being told "you have mental disorders so you can't do this"- as popular as that argument is. Even then I was still severely unsure what was going on, nor did I even think it could be one because the issues were so normal to me. There's also the fact I want to go into science fields and grow my education for them, but I'll have to start at the very beginning for official/formal degrees and such, so hey that's gonna be even more time of my life I have to spend from what I should have been able to do many years ago
As of today, Im back to self medicating with speed(amphetamine) to enjoy things more. Just makes it more bearable. However talking to friends, encouraging on some things and my general mass improvement across my hobbies in recent times has me feeling down and returning back to the idea of suicide. Well truth is it has been growing passively again for a while now, getting more heavy nowadays despite things seemingly going well for me in my little areas. I know it's not staying and I will never be able to capitalize on it or do any more than what I'm currently doing and I hate it so much. I usually hate ranting a lot and regret it, I typically had to rip out pages of my journal when I did it because I couldn't stand the idea of it being there. But today it's just hitting hard the more things seemingly get better and the better I feel. The further up I go, there's an equal mental force pulling down. I really don't know how much further it will go or what will happen with it crashes. I really shouldn't be alive by what seems to be law. Yet here I am, waiting on the remainder of my 5(+?) month wait for my next psychiatry appointment that will likely be cancelled again once it comes up in 2 weeks. I've been growing information on going private and that it apparently costs a lot, but I have some doubts. My short term memory, having to re explain every single little detail, the reputation they have in not taking people seriously even if they get significantly quicker appointments, the med costs. Ectect, it all ways heavy on my already garbage functionality. Naturally, as humans and I will do. I shall keep doing what I can and going forward, I just desperately hope this appointment actually sticks and makes significant progress. If it gets delayed another 2 months, I have no idea. Maybe I'll try private as a one last attempt. Regardless, at the moment my more common psychology appointments feel so incredibly pointless to attend to. Yet I do, because I'm desperate and I know by nature I'll always want to keep improving myself, so I'll take what I can get until I either hang myself or get the help I need
All that being said, I feel I should at least add a note that if you are feeling like turning away from the help. It seems to be all one has for official help, so regardless of how trash it is, it's worth going to try get help for the long term if you want it. I just needed to waste a few hours thinking and spilling out my thoughts, so hopefully I can continue doing what little I can enjoy at the moment if it doesn't start getting significantly more heavy. Apologies for the absolute mess of a post if anyone bothered reading
