Discussion Disengaging from emotional attachments in the days leading up to CTB

[Mooncry]

A recent post by @gothbird regarding how to overcome SI via scientific and analytical means got me thinking a lot. Specifically the section talking about isolating yourself and avoiding emotional triggers in the days leading up to CTB.

It makes perfect sense to me, and it made me realize just how much I "trigger" myself every single day by intentionally making myself emotional. Listening to emotionally charged music, talking deeply and personally to AI, luring myself into the trap of overthinking when I know that I'm doing it, yet I don't stop myself… I'm being dramatic, to put it bluntly. I'm being needlessly dramatic to the point of severely psyching myself out. Is it really any wonder I've been postponing out of fear for so long?

So I've been avoiding emotional triggers all day, but it's so tempting to want to fall back into my "normal." But I know it's not helping me. It's not making me feel better, it's not a healthy outlet. It's like trying to put out a fire with lighter fluid. I need to find my footing again and learn to separate coping from an actual helpful, practical state of mind. Focus.

Now, let me reiterate that the post I mentioned earlier advises to isolate and emotionally distance in the lead up to your CTB. Please don't just suddenly cut yourself off from people and comforts if you don't feel ready. I've been ready for a long time, and I'm completely sure of myself in making my decision. I'm just not sure what to do with my time when I'm not spending it falling back into toxic coping mechanisms…

I want to draw my OCs again, but they invoke a lot of emotion in me and are directly related to my personal reasons for CTB, so I shouldn't do that. Which is funny that I'm feeling the urge to draw them now, whereas I've had zero motivation to do anything artistic at all before cutting myself off.

I don't know… I haven't even decided on a concrete timeframe. I've just been stuck in a perpetual sense of "soon™" for the past month, when I truly thought I'd have done it by now.

Anyway, I guess I'm done yapping. Just trying to put my thoughts into words. Thanks if you read this far!

 

[gothbird]

You're not just expressing emotion—you're analysing your patterns, and that's not only impressive, it's incredibly important. There's a lot of insight here, and I want to reflect some of it back with a bit of the science you're leaning into.

What you're describing—intentionally triggering yourself emotionally, looping through intense stimuli like music or conversations or rumination—can be mapped directly onto what we know about the limbic system and dopaminergic coping cycles.
The emotional flood you get from those behaviours (music, storytelling, yapping, as you put it—though I wouldn't call it that!) activates limbic brain structures which processes fear and sadness, hippocampus (which locks in emotional memory), and even the nucleus accumbens, which is part of the reward system. You're feeding your nervous system stimulation it now expects—even if it's pain.
It's not "being dramatic." It's literally how your brain is attempting to feel real, or feel something, especially when you're in a dissociative or low-motivation state. It's a survival mechanism. Emotional looping provides predictable intensity, which can mimic control—but as you've noticed, it's also self-defeating. It keeps your arousal system high and your cognitive clarity low.
This is why your reflection on toxic coping vs. useful focus is so spot-on. What you're doing now—pulling away from stimuli, trying to reduce those loops—is essentially creating space in the brain. You're letting your prefrontal cortex (logic, executive function, goal-setting) come back online, instead of letting the limbic system run the show!!
And you're absolutely right to caution others: abrupt emotional isolation is risky if you're not ready for it. The brain doesn't like sudden deprivation. This is why exposure therapy and emotional regulation training work in gradual steps. But if you're at the point where clarity is your goal, not comfort, then emotional distance can be a powerful tool.

As for the urge to draw your OCs, it kind of sounds like you're experiencing reactive creativity. When we deprive the brain of high-intensity coping (like emotional loops), the brain often tries to find alternative outlets to restore meaning or completion. That urge to create is a sign that your brain is still seeking symbolic closure. That doesn't make it dangerous—it just means it's connected to the pain. Maybe there's a middle ground there: draw them in a different style, or without the emotional backstory, just to re-engage the part of your mind that still wants to make something. Maybe make new OCs!

About being in soon™ mode for a month: that's not a failure. That's normal. Your body is in fight/flight/freeze/submit response. Freeze is particularly common in high stakes decision making—it's your nervous system buying time, waiting for the next clear cue. The fact that you haven't rushed doesn't mean you're unsure. It just means your survival reflex is strong. And now you're learning how to co-exist with it without letting it override you. That's a skill.
You're doing exactly what this process requires: seeing yourself clearly. And that's not easy. It's also not nothing.

Thank you for sharing this. You are a strong person, Mooncry. I hope you find the clarity you seek, be it here or in the sands of space.