Discussion discouraged from ctb by the forum?

[janicesoprano]

i was wondering if anybody else sometimes feels discouraged by reading through this forum. i just stumbled across it a couple weeks ago and for me thinking and fantasizing about ctb was always a way to have some relief from this horrible life. i always thought to myself: "well, if i still feel this way in X amount of time, i'll just ctb." or "If this doesnt work out i can just ctb by the end of this year." I would just fantasize about drowning myself with a backpack full of stones or just getting a rope from somewhere and hanging myself.

But now doing alot of research and reading through the threads on here i've realised that most of these methods, if not all of them either require alot of planning, gathering of very hard to aquire materials or are just plain hard and brutal to do or are likely to fail. So i realised maybe ctb isnt an 'easy' way out, and all of the work that goes into finding a good reliable and mostly peaceful method just seams too hard and exhausting to me. so now i barely can escape from my shitty life by thinking "ill just ctb when it really gets unbearable" because i now know it isnt as easy as i thought.

maybe this was all over the place, im sorry
anyone else feels/felt this way?

 

[nightlygem]

I understand how you feel. However, I've come to embrace the complexity of CTBing. That way, I know that this is a decision I've made and thought fully about. It sucks to have to make the realization that it's not really as easy as it seems, but that's what makes it so beautiful to me. Someone methodically planning out their death so they can peacefully leave this world.
Those are just my thoughts.

 

[nozomu]

Even when you have a method at your disposal, giving up that final shred of hope isn't that easy. CTB is just a really complicated decision even when all the parts are available to you.

 

[crxssedho3]

i was wondering if anybody else sometimes feels discouraged by reading through this forum. i just stumbled across it a couple weeks ago and for me thinking and fantasizing about ctb was always a way to have some relief from this horrible life. i always thought to myself: "well, if i still feel this way in X amount of time, i'll just ctb." or "If this doesnt work out i can just ctb by the end of this year." I would just fantasize about drowning myself with a backpack full of stones or just getting a rope from somewhere and hanging myself.

But now doing alot of research and reading through the threads on here i've realised that most of these methods, if not all of them either require alot of planning, gathering of very hard to aquire materials or are just plain hard and brutal to do or are likely to fail. So i realised maybe ctb isnt an 'easy' way out, and all of the work that goes into finding a good reliable and mostly peaceful method just seams too hard and exhausting to me. so now i barely can escape from my shitty life by thinking "ill just ctb when it really gets unbearable" because i now know it isnt as easy as i thought.

maybe this was all over the place, im sorry
anyone else feels/felt this way?

I feel the exact same way. Why does it have to be so hard to find relief? The SN method scares me the most and any pill one does to be honest because of the low success rates. But what you said about drowning with a backpack full of stones is probably the best way. People say drowning is painful but I don't think it's that bad, your body is deprived of oxygen just like if you were to od or use sn so the same suffocating feeling regardless. But looking up through the water at the blue sky while catching the bus is probably my preferred method. I just feel sad that it's simply not that easy.

 

[kkkangkkk]

I feel you. I didn't know it was so hard to actually CTB, no wonder I failed the last two times when I just swallowed random pills. Dying by pills was always my last resort because it seems like the most peaceful and least painful way. But after personal experience and researching through the forum, I realized it's an impossible option for me. There's just no way I can acquire actually lethal drugs to do the trick. But good thing about the forum is, there are a lot of information on other options. I am now preparing for hanging. It actually doesn't seem as painful as I thought and the getting the material is easy.

 

[Brown-Jacket Revy]

Feeling the same way.

I used to feel a sense of relief from the prospect of having "CTB" as a back-up plan if I got tired of it all, but hadn't realized that it takes a lot of gumption and a very unique mindset to finally be at a point where you can override SI and opt out regardless of pain or fear.

When I look at myself, my life, I feel like I should have reached that threshold long ago, but still haven't.

It would definitely be different if we had peaceful, legal fool-proof methods.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

The SN method scares me the most and any pill one does to be honest because of the low success rates.

Would a method with a low success rate alarm medical professionals that much to write out documented cases about its "high fatality rate" when consumed with intentional purposes of suicide. Problem is, people do not have the luxury of choosing from a wide variety of methods that will have a greater chance of death than not so from that, people, even if they are absolutely desperate, will make whatever they can out of that.

I don't know where or how you got your info on SN but you are wrong,

 

[ae300]

Yes, reality can be hard, life is not a petting zoo and you can't immediately think of suicide every time you have difficulty in life.
I think many users here, if not most, will die of a completely natural death! In many cases I read an impulsive and rash act, little life experience too (sometimes so little that they can't even get a knot in a rope ).
Suicide is not an easy thing and the living conditions and future prospects must be fatal to be ready, you have to be ready because it is your final decision!

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

i was wondering if anybody else sometimes feels discouraged by reading through this forum. i just stumbled across it a couple weeks ago and for me thinking and fantasizing about ctb was always a way to have some relief from this horrible life. i always thought to myself: "well, if i still feel this way in X amount of time, i'll just ctb." or "If this doesnt work out i can just ctb by the end of this year." I would just fantasize about drowning myself with a backpack full of stones or just getting a rope from somewhere and hanging myself.

But now doing alot of research and reading through the threads on here i've realised that most of these methods, if not all of them either require alot of planning, gathering of very hard to aquire materials or are just plain hard and brutal to do or are likely to fail. So i realised maybe ctb isnt an 'easy' way out, and all of the work that goes into finding a good reliable and mostly peaceful method just seams too hard and exhausting to me. so now i barely can escape from my shitty life by thinking "ill just ctb when it really gets unbearable" because i now know it isnt as easy as i thought.

maybe this was all over the place, im sorry
anyone else feels/felt this way?

In a sick twist, it turns out to mirror life in that way, yes. The difference being it is deliberately made that way by people thinking they know better or have the right to override your wishes. Everyone could have a pain free exit if laws allowed it to be so. The struggle comes as usual from those who meddle. That's why it becomes an unnecessarily physically painful process.

 

[SpiritualDeath]

You're not wrong at all. I would say that when people start to seriously consider ctb the first thing they'll notice is that it's difficult, and the second thing is probably it's deliberately made so difficult.
Yet people come over and shout "if you're that unsatisfied why don't you just die", "you're not embodying your own philosophy so you're wrong and stupid". These are the same kind of people that continue with their beautiful precious life, striving to ensure that suicide is as difficult as possible (or thinking that there's nothing wrong being this way).
I find it laughable.
It's just like when I was in my early teen, my mother loved to tell me "if you're not happy doing what I want you to do you can always just leave this home", while knowing that at that age I was too young to be independent. It's just so stupid and it's still making me laugh.

 

[Kasumi]

Dying a peaceful death is hard, but not impossible.
It's what pro-lifers don't understand, they think it's easy, a decision that can be made without much thought, it's not.

But I still think it's better to know the difficulties beforehand than to go into it with unrealistic beliefs, shaped by media, that taking some random pills, or cutting your wrist is enough to kill you and then fail and go through a lot of trouble and possibly lasting damage.

If firearms and jumping is too violent for you you can take one of the inert gas methods. If a complex setup like that is impossible for you you can go with chemicals, if that's too hard to aquire you can go with hanging, no method is easy, either to prepare nor to execute, but there are options at least.

@crxssedho3 drowning is both one of the worst but also not that bad as it seems if done right.
The biggest issue with drowning is dealing with CO2 levels and the mammalian diving reflex.
Something professional breath-holders do to lower their CO2 levels and that's also used in shallow water blackout is hyperventilating, but in the case of professional breath-holders, that's only to reduce discomfort, since they have enough oxygen in their body to survive for many minutes.

But even professional breath-holders will eventually hit their CO2 limit and encounter the discomfort of the urge to breathe, but that urge to breathe can actually be overcome and after that it actually disappears.
Which then is a crucial point for professional breath-holders cause they might lose sense of how much longer they can safely hold their breath before blacking out, that's why they usually have other people around to show them the time and of course to pull them out in case of unconsciousness.

What's important to note though is the fact that the urge to breathe has nothing to do with available oxygen in your body, only with CO2 levels in your blood.
Usually when holding your breath underwater you actually have way more oxygen than only for the ~1 minute that you get a strong urge to breathe.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

You're not wrong at all. I would say that when people start to seriously consider ctb the first thing they'll notice is that it's difficult, and the second thing is probably it's deliberately made so difficult.
Yet people come over and shout "if you're that unsatisfied why don't you just die", "you're not embodying your own philosophy so you're wrong and stupid". These are the same kind of people that continue with their beautiful precious life, striving to ensure that suicide is as difficult as possible (or thinking that there's nothing wrong being this way).
I find it laughable.
It's just like when I was in my early teen, my mother loved to tell me "if you're not happy doing what I want you to do you can always just leave this home", while knowing that at that age I was too young to be independent. It's just so stupid and it's still making me laugh.

Yeah I mean, If there was an easy out available without much fuss to restrict it then it would've been better but no, can't have it that way, unnecessarily making difficult to ctb.

 

[Davey36000]

Not too difficult, just go to deep web, order fentanyl and it's done.

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide really is way too unnecessarily difficult and it's why I've been sadly trapped in this cruel and harmful existence for way too long. I find it so incredibly inhumane how we were so selfishly forced into this existence yet so cruelly denied a straightforward way to permanently find peace from all the suffering existing brings, I truly despise this anti-suicide society.

It's disgusting to me purposely making something so relieving as suicide to be so inaccessible, if suicide actually is an easy way out it would be a comfort but sadly it could never be, in my case this forum certainly emphasises the difficulty of suicide.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Not too difficult, just go to deep web, order fentanyl and it's done.

We don't want to encourage people to take a route that could have some legal implication.

 

[MatthieuFrederickW]

Dying a peaceful death is hard, but not impossible.
It's what pro-lifers don't understand, they think it's easy, a decision that can be made without much thought, it's not.

But I still think it's better to know the difficulties beforehand than to go into it with unrealistic beliefs, shaped by media, that taking some random pills, or cutting your wrist is enough to kill you and then fail and go through a lot of trouble and possibly lasting damage.

If firearms and jumping is too violent for you you can take one of the inert gas methods. If a complex setup like that is impossible for you you can go with chemicals, if that's too hard to aquire you can go with hanging, no method is easy, either to prepare nor to execute, but there are options at least.

@crxssedho3 drowning is both one of the worst but also not that bad as it seems if done right.
The biggest issue with drowning is dealing with CO2 levels and the mammalian diving reflex.
Something professional breath-holders do to lower their CO2 levels and that's also used in shallow water blackout is hyperventilating, but in the case of professional breath-holders, that's only to reduce discomfort, since they have enough oxygen in their body to survive for many minutes.

But even professional breath-holders will eventually hit their CO2 limit and encounter the discomfort of the urge to breathe, but that urge to breathe can actually be overcome and after that it actually disappears.
Which then is a crucial point for professional breath-holders cause they might lose sense of how much longer they can safely hold their breath before blacking out, that's why they usually have other people around to show them the time and of course to pull them out in case of unconsciousness.

What's important to note though is the fact that the urge to breathe has nothing to do with available oxygen in your body, only with CO2 levels in your blood.
Usually when holding your breath underwater you actually have way more oxygen than only for the ~1 minute that you get a strong urge to breathe.

Do you have any experience on how alcohol affects SINwith regards to drowning? Does it lull the hypercapnic alarm response and enable one to push through it much easier? I've never really been one for drinking.

 

[Kasumi]

Do you have any experience on how alcohol affects SINwith regards to drowning? Does it lull the hypercapnic alarm response and enable one to push through it much easier? I've never really been one for drinking.

no idea, but my guess is alcohol won't do any good, the hypercapnic response is a basic feature for survival it'll be one of the last things that alcohol will affect, by that point you might as well just die of alcohol poisoning.

 

[Arachno]

Not too difficult, just go to deep web, order fentanyl and it's done.

You make it sound like it's a simple and quick thing to do lol

 

[Davey36000]

You make it sound like it's a simple and quick thing to do lol

Lol. Well I have ordered shrooms and acid from the regular net, it's like that + all the annoying steps (downloading Tor and maybe VPN, good antivirus with firewall, maybe also launching it from a Pen drive or a shitty PC, making a bitcoin acc, having a secondary credit or debit card for deep web/online shopping, finding a good deep website for the drugs and from there looking for the reputable vendors with 5/4 star reviews; among other things and not making silly mistakes like using your real name and maybe it's good to have a separate mail box for this if you can).

So it's a bit annoying but if it's something you really want it can certainly be done. Just very annoying steps, not difficult just annoying.

I think finding a regular web vendor for SN (who isn't a scammer) would take much longer.

 

[UKscotty]

CTB it's self is super easy, especially in a country like the UK or USA. Plenty of quick, reliable methods.

The difficult part is overcoming our SI. Everyone who has managed it is no longer with us to tell us how. Anyone who is living and claims to have the answer is lying otherwise they'd be gone too.

We each have to find our own way to overcome the SI and CTB

 

[Kasumi]

Lol. Well I have ordered shrooms and acid from the regular net, it's like that + all the annoying steps (downloading Tor and maybe VPN, good antivirus with firewall, maybe also launching it from a Pen drive or a shitty PC, making a bitcoin acc, having a secondary credit or debit card for deep web/online shopping, finding a good deep website for the drugs and from there looking for the reputable vendors with 5/4 star reviews; among other things and not making silly mistakes like using your real name and maybe it's good to have a separate mail box for this if you can).

So it's a bit annoying but if it's something you really want it can certainly be done. Just very annoying steps, not difficult just annoying.

I think finding a regular web vendor for SN (who isn't a scammer) would take much longer.

I think deep web market places usually don't even sell fent cause its too dangerous, I've heard people are instead getting cheap heroin from china cause they're often cut with fent.

 

[crxssedho3]

Would a method with a low success rate alarm medical professionals that much to write out documented cases about its "high fatality rate" when consumed with intentional purposes of suicide. Problem is, people do not have the luxury of choosing from a wide variety of methods that will have a greater chance of death than not so from that, people, even if they are absolutely desperate, will make whatever they can out of that.

I don't know where or how you got your info on SN but you are wrong,

I read the info thread on here on SN and the symptoms just sound not worth it especially if it doesn't work but that's just for me

 

[Deleted member 65988]

I read the info thread on here on SN and the symptoms just sound not worth it especially if it doesn't work but that's just for me

To me, Nausea, Vomiting and Tachycardia are small price to pay for ctb in the end especially since I am well prepared with having all the meds I could possibly want. Every method will have some level of discomfort, psychologically or otherwise no matter, just have to find what you are comfortable with.

 

[crxssedho3]

Yes, I still need to find a method that's good for me but it is sad how hard we have to work and think through these methods just to stop suffering. I wouldn't use the SN method personally because like I said in another post I'd rather die than throw up my attempt yk?

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Yes, I still need to find a method that's good for me but it is sad how hard we have to work and think through these methods just to stop suffering. I wouldn't use the SN method personally because like I said in another post I'd rather die than throw up my attempt yk?

Most people throw up and die anyway, just like most people go to the hospital and get to ED but die because of cardiac arrest or other complications that arose during treatment of Methomoglobinemia. Of all the worst ways people have ctb or otherwise, vomiting, nausea and tachycardia does not sound bad to deal with since I'm more familiar with tachycardia myself so the chances of me dying from cardiac arrest is pretty high due to the fact that Pre-existing Cardiovascular issues and/or anemia does exacerbate toxicity of sn.

Unfortunately, nothing in this world is easy at all, in an idealistic scenario I would've loved to have any method of my choosing at my disposal and to use efficiently but it isn't like that. It's rather sad we do find ourselves in a world that doesn't accept that people should have a right to choose to end their existence but we can't since we're told that life is precious at all costs and must be upheld to that standard at all costs even though looking through human history, there's a different story to it for the most part. That's why people resort to all sorts of methods, from the most brutal to the most strangest of ways.

 

[Valky]

Definitely felt the same as well. I thought catching the bus was a lot easier when I was younger but sometimes the human body can be quite indestructible. That's why it's such a shame that the right to die is basically nonexistent unless you're half dead. But I still think that many methods are do-able if you put some thought and work into it. Can also be seen as a positive thing since people at least won't just impulsively do something but took the time to research and understand what taking your own life really means. :)

 

[Foreverix]

I would rather be on this forum and fully informed about all the ways methods go sideways. It beats having it as a nebulous backup plan that fails when you need it the most because you didn't plan accordingly. The reality is that almost anyone can access some straightforward methods, like hanging, but actually committing to it is far from easy, and it's not always a quick night-night. These realities still give me some healthy fear and respect.

Everybody's different. I feel much less alone here, and not so much discouraged, but rather armed with knowledge and a healthy respect for what it takes to CTB in most cases.

I hope you don't go on feeling so trapped. I have to believe I can take back control, empower myself, and give life the final eviction notice.

P.S. - Glad you're here, OP.

 

[crxssedho3]

Most people throw up and die anyway, just like most people go to the hospital and get to ED but die because of cardiac arrest or other complications that arose during treatment of Methomoglobinemia. Of all the worst ways people have ctb or otherwise, vomiting, nausea and tachycardia does not sound bad to deal with since I'm more familiar with tachycardia myself so the chances of me dying from cardiac arrest is pretty high due to the fact that Pre-existing Cardiovascular issues and/or anemia does exacerbate toxicity of sn.

Unfortunately, nothing in this world is easy at all, in an idealistic scenario I would've loved to have any method of my choosing at my disposal and to use efficiently but it isn't like that. It's rather sad we do find ourselves in a world that doesn't accept that people should have a right to choose to end their existence but we can't since we're told that life is precious at all costs and must be upheld to that standard at all costs even though looking through human history, there's a different story to it for the most part. That's why people resort to all sorts of methods, from the most brutal to the most strangest of ways.

Thank you for being so informative I appreciate it

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Thank you for being so informative I appreciate it

No problem

 

[alterationitfinds]

i struggle with the same thing. i sit and i try and cope with how i feel and then it usually after a few hours of sitting with those thoughts i can't cope anymore. and then when i realise that.. i have to cope.. because i'm so young and watched and there's no big red button to remove me.. i usually have panic attacks or lash out. i cannot cope so i literally HAVE TO do something. it horrible. everyone literally expresses their distain for me and how i blow up but i have no option but to behave like that, once the lightbulb moment of "i am stuck in this moment and this feeling" turns on… it's literally like a blind rage of emotions. i think my sum of failed attempts comes to a total of about 16 tries with 3 hospital stays because of them. i've tried fentanyl, morphine, morphine and alcohol, codine and tramadol, dozens of packets of paracetamol, i've even tried drowning. each time i've done my research and i've made sure that "the dose makes the poison" should come true. but it doesn't. despite how much i mentally will myself to ctb. my body just cannot agree. the fact of the matter unfortunately is.. that all of these methods on this site… not a single one of them is 100% guaranteed. and i can tell you that as i got into that body of water there was nothing more i wanted than to ctb. but the freezing water, the crushing feeling on your chest as you sink, the way that you can start to feel your body's mechanism kick in to try and save you, it's almost impossible to overcome. i will never be one to do something like hanging or inert gas. i've tried those also. and i realised very soon that the best way to catch this bus is to do something that you cannot take back. like ridiculous amounts of pills or jumping. planning is great and all but if i'm honest.. planning methodically isn't going to do it. making a specific date for your death isn't going to do it. making a date is going to encourage you to back out when the time comes. decide how you are leaving, do nothing in small amounts and then act on impulse.

i truthfully don't understand how i am supposed to go on like this, i don't think i can and i think i'll just be reporting back failed attempts for years. but if i keep trying.. eventually i have to get it right. that's the only comfort i can offer you. if you keep trying and this is what you really want…one of these days you will get your ending.

please be careful though, i don't want to dissuade you but i do want to make sure that you know that nothing is 100% and so there's no point planning like it is. you have to get lucky, and by the sounds of the stuff we go through on a daily occurance.. surely we must get lucky at some point soon