Disclosing CTB plans

[dumbash]

Recently, I've may have messed up by telling my coach about my plans to ctb.

Prior to this, he already knew that I had dealt with depression and self harm for a while, but it still came as a slight shock. Things have escalated since I've bought my SN, finished most of my letters, set a date/time, and generally pieced up everything I'd need to do before I leave.

Originally, I planned the opposite; to convince him that I was getting better, go when I was ready, and arranged for a friend to send out all of my emails. Figured that there wasn't much point to people knowing since letting them know and then ctb right after would probably cause more damage than if they hadn't in the first place. A bit selfish, you know?

Guess I wanted to know his preference and reaction, asking a few hypotheticals because I was worried about the plan not going through the way it needs to. Or maybe that's what I tell myself. But I ended up telling him the vague date, that I was going to OD (before I discovered SN, I planned on using caffeine), that I was almost finished with my letters, etc. Ended up trying to play everything off, but at that point, there wasn't much point. Most of what was going on in my head was that I was stupid for telling him my plans, for dragging another person down, and regret.

Fast forward to yesterday, he asked me if I could promise to last until my BA and get a job since I'm only in my first year. He asked me this the day before, which I told him that I wasn't sure that I could promise him. Maybe it's kind of dumb, but I couldn't bring myself to lie, and I knew that I just couldn't. The whole situation is just stressful, and I spent the entire day leading up to it stressing out about my response, but ended up ignoring his question for most of the ride. At the end, I couldn't bring myself to promise that I would try to last until then, and to try to improve myself and my lifestyle. Told him that I wasn't sure, but even when he said that I could at least try to do it, though I was unsure, guess do it until you've convinced yourself. That I couldn't promise or answer him. At that point, he was beaming because he thought that I would, but it completely melted away when I said I still couldn't promise him… all I could say was sorry again and again. Just straight up said he was saddened. Probably disappointed… And that to prepare for the worst.

He gave me until Jan 2 to give me answer. Exactly a week before my planned date. Before he tells my family. Up to this point, he hasn't, and I don't plan on them ever finding out, much less this way. Picked up my SN today. I don't know what to do anymore. Said that if I did ctb, he'd likely go on a long teaching hiatus, and wouldn't try to go that far with a student like this anymore. Feels like I've just ruined a man. Contemplated about going with it and lying. Or recovery… know for a fact that he'll try and help but don't know if it's enough. First time I've really went through with this, but also the first time I've received any real support.

Just… at a loss now. I don't know anymore. What should I do?

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

I really wish I could give you some solid advice that would click in your head and make all this seem so easy and clear.

I can't.

Only you can answer your own question. Only you can say whether or not your story ends, or continues. You need to have a long think about this. What brought you to this point? What would it take for you to make it through another day, and then another? Can things turn around for you?

I hope that they can. I hope that you can heal and one day look back at this as just a bad memory that you were able to get through. I really do.

One thing I can say, based on your words, is that this coach of yours sounds like a good man. And it sounds like he sees something in you that maybe you can't see in yourself.
Regardless of what you decide to do, I think you've reached out to this person for a reason, and that you're lucky that they are throwing their support behind you. People like that are very rare. I could have really done with someone like that at several points in my life.

Whatever you decide, and whatever you need to do. I wish you the very best. I mean that genuinely. We may be strangers, but I'd like to think we're all a fucked up family of sorts here. Take your time, think it through. Best of luck to you

 

[LaVieEnRose]

You must be very young. Would you like to share some more detail about what's brought you to this point?

 

[dumbash]

You must be very young. Would you like to share some more detail about what's brought you to this point?

Think we've met before, actually.
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/decided-on-my-method.105163/post-1805644
In a way, guess it's an update.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm sorry you've been pushed even closer to CTB. You asked us what you should do....telling you what you "should" do isn't something I'm inclined to do but if you're okay with me expressing myself that way I think you should finish your degree and wait a few years before making the decision to CTB. I know that's a tall order given what you've Bern struggling with and the apparent lack of support. Your coach seems to be helpful but at the same he might limited in how he can help, mental health not being a speciality of his. It wasn't clear in your other thread if that's been something you've tried. In any case, I know it's difficult when you have only one person to lean on, professional or not.